REVIEW: Smucker’s Up & Apple Uncrustables

Some young hooligan called me “Unc” the other day, and it’s been sticking in my craw ever since.

While his tone suggested it was derogatory, I’m gonna choose to take it another way – Gen Alpha must know about my affinity for Unc-rustables, something I know we have in common. Yeah, I’m still cool.

Speaking of cool, allow me to introduce the most revolutionary handheld Apple product since the O.G. iPod – Up & Apple Uncrustables. Smuckers has blessed us with a new flavor of its amazing frozen PB&J, and it’s arguably its best effort to date.

Actually, I’m not here to argue, I’m here to review. Up & Apple is unequivocally the best Uncrustables “sandwich” ever.

Have you ever had a peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwich? If not, I’m telling you now to start eating peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwiches. I’d never had a peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwich until now, and I’m not going back. The only thing that’s ever gonna stick in my craw again is, let’s all say it together, peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwiches!

That said, I only want them in slightly thawed crimped UFO form. The best form.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the often imitated, never duplicated freezer PB&J at this point. Trader Joe’s made a valiant effort, and there are some decent knockoffs out there, but no one has come close to Uncrustables. Don’t even get me started on the Lunchables “attempt.” Those should be called “Untrustables.”

I didn’t think Smucker’s could improve on its formula, but Up & Apple is the new king.

The apple jelly looks like honey with little specks of cinnamon, and it tastes amazing.

I was always a fan of cinnamon applesauce as a kid, and this really brought me back. The flavor reminded me of Mott’s with the jelly obviously being smoother and stickier than gritty apple sauce. I’d say it’s also less clumpy than the Uncrustables berry-centered counterparts.

I imagine some people might find these a little cloying, as the jelly is dangerously close to being too sweet and artificial. However, the cinnamon cuts it and melds with the peanut butter and “unbeatably soft bread” to perfection.

I’m an “al dente” Uncrustables enjoyer. I let it sit for about ten minutes to keep the peanut butter a little on the firmer side, and, man, is it good with this jelly. It also made me realize I’d probably enjoy Uncrustables with crunchy peanut butter, so consider this my pitch for “Uncrustables Crunchables,” if that name isn’t trademarked.

Speaking of names, “Up & Apple” stinks to its core, but I’m just reaching for a nitpick because this review is too positive.

Uncrustables were one of my favorite snacks before this, and they’ve only moved up the list.

I can’t imagine them topping this, but I’m holding out hope for a marmalade flavor. I know I, and that little pantless freak Paddington, would truly appreciate it. Paddington is Unc.

… I’m not cool.

I really don’t like giving out perfect scores. I don’t believe in perfection. It’s too finite for me.

Anyway, these are elite. Ten out of ten.

Purchased Price: $10.46
Size: 2.8 oz. (8 Sandwiches total)
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 10 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 320 calories, 18 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of total carbohydrates, 13 grams of total sugars, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of protein.