Wendy’s new chicken tenders are boneless, but I’ve still got a bone to pick with America’s 9th favorite Redhead.

For years, on this great site, I’ve famously, tirelessly, breathlessly, and relentlessly asked – nay – begged Wendy’s to release a line of Frosties chock full of fix-ins called “Wendy’s Blendies.”

Imagine my disappointment when Wendy’s finally added some toppings to their Frosties and called them “Girlie Swirlies” or whatever instead of the more obvious name, “Blendies!”

Now, imagine my suspicion when I saw their newest menu item – Wendy’s Tendys.

“Tendys,” huh? Sounds a little bit like… Blendies!

If you’re thinking, “well, that’s just simplistic wordplay, and parallel thinking at best. You don’t own the abstract premise of rhyme schemes, and to be honest, ‘Tendys’ sounds better than ‘Blendies’ anyway. They didn’t actually blend anything into the Frosty,” then you’re correct, and very blunt. Take it easy. Jeez.

I’d still like an assist though – at least one of those secondary hockey assists where I get an assist for passing the puck to the guy who passed the puck to the guy who actually scored.

Tendys obviously aren’t Wendy’s first foray into chicken fingers/tenders/strips, but they’re a revamped recipe, and as a bonus, they’re being released with a new “Signature Sauce.”

Full transparency, I think Wendy’s chicken offerings have fallen off a cliff in the past decade, but I still enjoy their nuggets from time to time and snagged a free 5-piece to compare. I actually think Tendys are superior, but I might be on an island.

My three strips were salty, dry, and slightly overcooked, but crispy and just tender enough that I actually really liked them. As weird as it sounds, I like dry food, plus that’s what the sauce is there for! Anyway, the flavor and texture alone would have probably gotten a “meh” rating at best, but these things started to taste like something.

This could just be (chicken) selective memory, but as I bit down and racked my brain trying to figure out what they reminded me of, I came to the conclusion – McDonald’s Chicken Selects.

Why and how do I even remember those? They haven’t existed for well over a decade, yet I had a sense memory that I was eating them. Why would Wendy’s remind me of McDonald’s? I don’t know, but Tendys tasted more like Selects than McDonald’s new mediocre tenders.

As for the “Signature” sauce, it’s fine. It’s creamy with a little kick and tastes, I’ll be honest, like all new sauces just taste like some variation of Thousand Island to me. It’s like Russian Dressing and Ranch, maybe. If you told me this was just “S’awesome” sauce from a few years ago, I’d shrug and trudge on with stuffing my face. It gets a B on my patented Sauce Tier list.

So, with the Tendys and the Signature Sauce, there’s really nothing “new” here, but they’re both worth trying. I’d like to know if anyone else had a “Chicken Selects” nostalgia rush while eating them. Try ’em, but just know, three small strips are almost $6. They shoulda called these “Spendys.”

Actually, I’ve come around on the name. It’s fun to say, and definitely better than when my local greasy spoon, “Wendels,” added “Tendels” to the menu. Nasty.

Tendys are solid though!

Purchased Price: $5.39
Size: 3 pieces
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Tendys only) 420 calories, 22 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1050 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 33 grams of protein.

My digestive system wondered how much misfortune Wendy’s x Wednesday Meal of Misfortune would cause it. Because the meal’s main highlights are the two spicy mystery flavor chicken nuggets dipping sauces included, my mouth, stomach, and digestive tract were concerned about how spicy they could be. Will they have to contend with digesting and processing Wendy’s Takis heat all over again? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

The Meal of Misfortune features:

• Rest in 10-Piece Nuggets (just regular nuggets, but can be swapped for Spicy Nuggets)
• Small Cursed & Crispy Fries (just regular fries)
• Dips of Dread, which are four “inferno-inspired” mystery sauces. They include You Can’t Hyde, This Will Sting, Grave Mistake, and Nowhere to Woe. While there are four total sauces, two of them are added randomly with every meal.
• A small Raven’s Blood Frosty, which is a
  Vanilla Frosty with a dark cherry swirl, served in a Wednesday-themed cup, and with a “Spoon of Gloom.” You can also get it with a Chocolate Frosty.

The limited time meal inspired by the hit Netflix show is supposed to come in Wednesday-themed packaging, but as you can see in the photo above, by pure mischance, mine didn’t, except for the paper bag my order came in.

Let’s start with the Mystery Sauces, which is an idea that every fast food chain should adopt. (Also, why weren’t these called “Mistery Sauces”?)

The first one I opened had an unexpected purple color that made me wonder if the demented person who runs Wendy’s social media accounts had melted Grimace to make the sauce. It had a Tabasco-ish flavor to it, and had a spiciness that I’d put at a 3-4 on my personal heat index.

The second one was a blood red, and spicy ketchup came to mind the moment I tasted it. It’s probably as hot as the purple one, which means my digestive system was misapprehensive. I enjoyed both a lot and I wouldn’t mind getting them randomly again.

If you’re not into spicy sauces, you can get the nuggets with ranch or whatever sauce on the menu that would make you dance like Wednesday Addams.

While the sauces weren’t as spicy as I was expecting, the Raven’s Blood Frosty extinguished whatever lingering heat quickly. While it’s supposed to be dark cherry-flavored, my taste buds thought differently because the sauce didn’t taste like anything cherry-flavored I’ve had before. I kept thinking it tasted more like mixed berries. I guess my taste buds were mistaken. Overall, it’s an okay Frosty Swirl, but it’s not as satisfying as other Frosty Swirl varieties, and I wouldn’t order it again.

I’m not sure Wendy’s x Wednesday Meal of Misfortune is a meal that’s worth misappropriating funds for. While my digestive system believes the Mystery Sauces are worth a try, it doesn’t feel the same about the meal’s Frosty.

Purchased Price: $10.19*
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Mystery Sauces), 6 out of 10 (Frosty)
Nutrition Facts: (Whole Meal) 1250 calories, 69 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 120 milligrams of cholesterol, 2080 milligrams of sodium, 159 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 87 grams of sugar, and 36 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.