There are many terrible things I am more likely to do before I ever again eat the latest addition to Taco Bell’s signature FirstMeal menu:

Walk barefoot in an Irish bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

Get some fillings when I don’t really have cavities, “just for the heck of it.”

Watch Paranormal Activity by myself in an empty house and then leave the bedroom door open when I go to bed.

Steal my boss’s corporate card to buy myself an expensive lunch and defiantly say it’s because “they owe me.”

Accidentally swallow a goldfish.

That is how little I enjoyed these pudgy little artery-cloggers they call the Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwraps. Speaking of which, let’s break down the title of this new breakfast item: “Taco Bell” – OK, so we know where we can buy this. “A.M.” – Only available in the morning. Check. “Crunchwrap” – Woah, now… slow your roll. There wasn’t anything crunchy inside these wraps. Just chewy, oily, and rubbery things.

The A.M. Crunchwrap comes in two inexpensive, standard breakfast varieties, Bacon or Sausage. I tried both, and let me tell you that while the grilled flour tortilla is warm, toasty and crisp around the edges, the insides do not crunch. Both A.M. Crunchwraps come with the meat on top of a layer of scrambled eggs and cheese paired with a once-crispy hash brown. Unfortunately the hash brown patties inside of the two A.M. Crunchwraps I got were soggy with grease and excess moisture from being trapped in between a jacket of melted cheese and a flour tortilla, so what had probably been a nice, hot golden exterior was now golden mush. They get some points for even thinking of including hash browns though. It’s the idea of hash browns that counts.

That still isn’t the worst of it. Let’s talk specifically about the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap. Contrary to my preconceived notions, there were no crisp, savory strips of bacon in this breakfast contraption, just bacon bits — the kind you’d probably find in a pre-packaged Cobb salad sold for $10.95 at the airport sandwich express counter right next to the case of SoBe and Evian. If Taco Bell were being really honest, they would’ve named this thing the “Bacon Bits A.M. Crunchwrap.” And if Taco Bell were being really, really honest, they would call it the “Chunks of Rubber A.M. Gushwrap.”

The hash brown made everything excessively oily. The bacon bits were tough. I imagine ground-up eraser tips from #2 pencils would taste like those bacon bits. Furthermore, they were stuffed inside one corner of the wrap instead of sprinkled throughout, so when I sliced it in half, all the bacon bits spilled out onto the plate. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I had been eating this straight out of the wrapper. Best case scenario, I would’ve ended up with a final bite filled with nothing but bacon bits. Worst case, a shower of bacon bits on my lap. The decent flavor of the scrambled egg and cheese was the only factor that kept the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap from being 100 percent garbage.

The good news is that the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is better. Not excellent, but better. The Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is sufficiently savory. Ironically, it wasn’t dripping with grease like the Bacon one. I’d think that a thick sausage patty would be oozing with the slick stuff, but alas, no. The sausage patty inside the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap was of a decent diameter, too, and it was thick — a nice meaty counterpart to the egg, cheese and fried potato inside the tortilla. It also had some heft and felt like more of a substantial meal than the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap.

The Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap seems like the final draft while the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap was the shitty rough draft Taco Bell churned out in 30 minutes because they were working under deadline and hadn’t slept a wink after watching Paranormal Activity by themselves the night before.

If you’re in the mood for something relatively cheap and quick that’s not the worst fast food breakfast you’ll ever eat, then the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is for you. But if you’re interested in flavor, texture and experiencing complete satisfaction with your breakfast, then why are you eating at Taco Bell?

(Nutrition Facts – Bacon – 680 calories. Sausage – 720 calories.)

Item: Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap (Bacon & Sausage)
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 2 out of 10 (Bacon)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Sausage)
Pros: Tortilla is warm and crisp around the edges. Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap has nice heft to it. Sausage patty is savory and thick. The idea of hash browns.
Cons: Greasy. Bacon tastes like #2 pencil erasers. Something totally slamming that bedroom door shut in the middle of the night. Soggy hash browns.

First off, I have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because her face isn’t shown ad nauseam on the Food Network.

Secondly, I also have no idea who Lorena Garcia is because she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. But she shouldn’t feel bad because I also don’t have one and you probably don’t have one, so she’s in good company.

Thirdly, I wonder if she would slap Guy Fieri in the face for me if I gave her metal gloves to protect her hands from his spiky hair?

Finally, she’s making Taco Bell all fancy and shit, and I don’t like it. For years, it’s been the late night place for those under the influence who order menu items with funny names that sound even funnier to them when they say it over and over again. CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA! CHALUPA! GORDITA!

They also sound like the noise drunk people make when they throw up. The new Cantina Bowl and Cantina Burrito Ms. Garcia helped develop for Taco Bell don’t have funny names or sound like someone puking. Although, every time I hear or say the word “cantina,” the music from the Mos Eisley Cantina scene in Star Wars, when Han Solo is introduced, plays in my head.

These ingredients she’s using sound too classy for the usual Taco Bell clientele. Citrus-herb marinated chicken, cilantro rice, and cilantro dressing? Taco Bell regulars aren’t used to eating their herbs, they’re used to smoking their herbs. Although, they’re going to laugh at the fact she’s using Hass avocados.

But those under the influence will be impressed with the size of Taco Bell’s Cantina Burrito. They’ll be like, “It’s the size of my arm, man. It’s like I’m eating my forearm.” Although, it’s not even close to being Chipotle-thick.

The Steak Cantina Burrito I bought was stuffed with grilled and marinated steak, cilantro rice, black beans, guacamole made from the aforementioned and funny Hass avocados, pico de gallo, roasted corn & pepper salsa, Romaine lettuce, and a creamy cilantro dressing. Despite all those ingredients, I have to say the Steak Cantina Burrito’s flavor was extremely disappointing. It was as boring as a lecture about world economics of the 1800s. As I was eating through it, and there’s a lot to eat, I thought to myself, “I’m getting no pleasure out of this. I think I could get more flavor from stamp licking.”

I know there was a lot cilantro dressing in it because it dripped out of the bottom of my burrito. The guacamole also oozed out, but it didn’t provide much flavor. The steak was tender and didn’t taste any different than the stuff inside Taco Bell’s Triple Steak Stack. As for the rice and beans, they made for an awesome burrito filler and fiber giver.

The only explanation I could come up with for its blandness is that the flour tortilla dampens the ingredients in the burrito, because the Chicken Cantina Bowl, which contains the same parts as the burrito minus the steak and tortilla, was delicious.

Taco Bell’s Chicken Cantina Bowl was hearty, brought back memories of my beloved Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, and made me rethink my objections to Lorena Garcia turning Taco Bell “all fancy and shit.” The vegetable-filled picture above makes the Cantina Bowl look more like a Cantina Salad, but I assure you, there’s rice, chicken, and beans under dem greens.

Without a flour tortilla restricting flavors like a culinary straitjacket, I thought the flavors would do a culinary run around naked with their arms flailing and screaming obscenities, but it wasn’t like that. The marinated chicken was better tasting than the usual chicken Taco Bell uses, but the guacamole lacked a strong avocado flavor and the cilantro dressing was light, along with the pico de gallo and roasted corn & pepper salsa. However, everything as a whole was damn satisfying. I enjoyed it several times more than the Steak Cantina Burrito.

The Chicken Cantina Bowl doesn’t have a bold flavor. Instead, it has a wonderful mild flavor that should appeal more to mature taste buds, and not drunk/high college kids who, thanks to the weed and/or alcohol they purchased, only have a few bucks to spend on Gorditas and Chalupas, which they may throw up later.

(Nutrition Facts – Steak Cantina Burrito – 750 calories, 28 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 2040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein. Chicken Cantina Bowl – 560 calories, 22 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1520 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Cantina Menu (Cantina Burrito & Cantina Bowl)
Purchased Price: $6.19* (Cantina Burrito)
Purchased Price: $6.49* (Cantina Bowl)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Steak Cantina Burrito)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chicken Cantina Bowl)
Pros: Cantina Bowl was hearty and had a wonderful mild flavor. Cantina Burrito was the size of my forearm. Citrus-herb marinated chicken was better than Taco Bell’s usual chicken. Awesome source of fiber.
Cons: Pricey for those who just spent a whole bunch of money on booze or weed. Steak Cantina Burrito lacks flavor. Flour tortilla holds back flavor like a culinary straitjacket. Lorena Garcia lacking a Wikipedia page. Awesome source of sodium.

*here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we pay a bit more for our Taco Bell.

I imagine the executives in the Taco Bell wing of Yum! Brands sitting in their secret think tank. The foreboding hidden base is heavily fortified by seven layers of sour cream, guacamole, seasoned rice, beans, cheese, and tomatoes. Security guards armed with squirt bottles filled with “Fire” sauce ready to squeeze into the face of any unwelcome visitors.

Preening and fretting in their dark tailored suits, the executives were going over the 3rd quarter sales while trying to figure out the next big thing. “We need something that will put us at the Gorditop!” shouted Mr. CEO. “We need the public to get Chalupexcited again!!”

“I sure love Doritos,” said Executive One as he mowed in such sloppy fashion, leaving orange fingerprints on the papers he shuffled. Narrowing his eyes, Executive Three had an idea. She scribbled her notes in a frantic manner as everyone at the long conference table stared at her.

While clearing her throat, she asked, “What if we joined with Frito-Lay and asked them to make a big ass Doritos taco shell?” The silence was uncomfortable as everyone’s eyes now laid on Mr. CEO. More awkward silence and Executive Three began to wonder if the position at Taco Viva was still available.

“Get me Frito-Lay!” Mr. CEO gruffly said into the intercom. “…And give Executive Three the keycard to the grand executive bathroom with the chaise lounge! Begin phase one of our Meximeltamaster plan!” (Cue brooding evil music)

That is how I imagine the origins of the Doritos Locos Tacos began, but I am sure that it is much more mundane. I love Taco Bell. I love Doritos. Not since the team up of Marvel and DC comics in the late 90’s where they gave birth to joint character, “Access”, have I been looking forward to a shared creation.

Taco Bell and Frito-Lay should be commended. I am sure amongst the egos, logistics, and red tape; both companies eloquently persevered through all of it. And unlike the maligned superhero “Access”, I suspect that this product will prove to be popular with the consumers out there. I mean it’s a freaking taco with a nacho cheese Doritos shell. Gluttony be damned, this thing is tasty to put it directly.

Now we all know that Taco Bell has recently encountered controversy whether the beef is real. Coupled with the “pink slime” stories making the rounds at news outlets, some of you may still be put off by the idea. Look it’s Taco Bell, it’s the handjobs of food. We’re not talking about a meal worthy of Michelin stars or a dissertation of what the “chef” thought about when creating this. It’s Taco Bell and if you don’t like at least one item from the dependable Bell, you have no soul.

Excited I rode my scooter up to the drive-thru and bought the handy Doritos Locos Tacos big box. Each kit contains a burrito supreme, normal taco and a Doritos Locos taco (sauce packets not included so get out of your introverted shell and ask). By the way, is it me or don’t you love the way they are simplifying things and just handing you a box?

Anyhoolies, the Doritos Locos Taco is basically a taco supreme dressed up in a giant Doritos chip. It’s akin to exchanging your shorts and Stereolab t-shirt for a pair of Banana Republic boot cut jeans and a black blazer. So if you do not like Taco Bell or their taco (you soulless bastard) then this item is not going to persuade you to turn.

The wrapping of the taco is decorated with bold typeface proclaiming things such as “Awesome!” and “Doritos!” It put a tingle in my reconstructed metal reinforced spine. Tossing the paper, I am greeted by the smells of alpha male beefiness that is tempered by the crisp scent of lettuce. My urge to ravish this taco was uncontrollable but first I had to remove the additional wrap that said “Taco Bell on the inside. Doritos on the outside.” Yes, voice in my head, I will do your bidding.

The richness of the beef in the taco sauce balanced extremely well with the generous amount of crunchy shreds of lettuce. The tomato bits were slightly sweet and added a necessary acidic touch. Additionally the cold milky sour cream is pleasant with the warm taco meat. I don’t know if it is real sour cream or something made in the back with powder, Taco Bell’s sour cream is aces. If I could buy the sour cream, I would and brush my teeth with it.

The cheddar cheese scattered in the taco didn’t really do much for me on its own. It was on the lettuce so it’s not melted and the bits are so thin, it was almost flavorless. A taco, however, is a complete package. Unless you are psychopath, no one deconstructs a taco and eats each part separately. The cheese makes its personality known when you eat everything as a whole, as it accentuated the creaminess in texture.

Be careful, my taco fell apart after a couple of bites. Sometimes the sauce will soak through the shell and the end result is messy. The filling slathered my hands like the worst but most delicious lotion ever.

The nacho cheese Doritos shell adds a slight punch of saltiness to the taco that gives it a satisfying full mouth flavor. The shell alone has a slight smoky flavor that lends well to the taco. This is not a gimmick alone, the shell makes a difference. The shades of salt and vinegar from the nacho Doritos shell compliment the taco very well.

I bought the taco twice from two different Taco Bell locations to ensure consistency and taste. They were both identical and damn yummy. One notable drawback is if you wait too long to eat the taco, it will get soggy within its package. That’s not the fault of Taco Bell, it is only natural that occurs.

I believe these should be available at Taco Bell’s near you as most of the ones around me carry it. The Doritos Locos Taco is pure sadomasochistic joy joy for your tongue. The wrapper says “Celebrate Awesomeness” and yes, every time you bite into one of these you are doing just that.

(Nutrition facts – 1 taco – 200 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 9 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco reviews:
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An Immovable Feast

Item: Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco
Price: $1.79 just for the taco or $5.00 for the box (which includes a normal taco and burrito supreme)
Size: N/A
Purchased: Taco Bell
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The Doritos shell adds depth and flavor. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you like them. Great texture. All the tastes balance extremely well. Gimmick or not, this taco is delicious. Darkclaw.
Cons: Soggy if you don’t eat it right away. It’s Taco Bell, so you know what to expect if you do not like them. Unhealthy but you have to live once in a while. Falls apart at times. Access.

You know how you’re not supposed to play with food? Well, how the hell can I contain myself from playing with the Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack? Its flatness makes me want to bust out my die-cast toy planes and turn it into an aircraft carrier called the USS TSS (Triple Steak Stack). Also, because it’s flat and has a light exterior, I want to pretend its Barbie’s waif Russian supermodel friend, Katherina, who likes to go shopping with Barbie during the day, but is a secret KGB spy at night.

The list of ingredients for Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack isn’t very long, although, because I feel sorry for its lack of ingredients, I’m going to try to make it look longer than it really is by using the power of unnecessary words. The Triple Steak Stack contains a triple serving of marinated steak and a triple cheese blend of low moisture part skim mozzarella cheese, pasteurized process Monterey Jack cheese, and American cheese in between a nine-inch bolillo flatbread.

With a limited number of ingredients, I expected Taco Bell’s newest addition to be bland, and it turns out I was correct. Taco Bell’s “improved” steak may be an upgrade over what they used to serve, but it still tastes like cheap meat. How cheap? It tastes like the roast beef and gravy from a 99 cent frozen meal. However, that cheap meat was tender and the triple serving of steak was enough to nicely fill the nine-inch flatbread.

The cheese just lies there like its Jabba the Hut after being choked by Princess Leia and it adds almost nothing to the Triple Steak Stack’s flavor. Speaking of things that don’t have much flavor, the bolillo flatbread was not only quite bland, it was also not sturdy enough to handle the amount of steak in it. The soft, but thick flatbread easily felt apart while I ate it.

If you’re going to eat the Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack, might I suggest asking for extra Taco Bell sauce packets on top of the handful they already give you, because you’re going to need a lot of sauce to cover the taste of the cheap meat and to spread across the nine-inch flatbread. I’d also suggest taking more money than you usually do when visiting Taco Bell. Five bucks will usually get you a full Taco Bell meal, but that same five dollars will get you only one Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack.

Video Review

(Nutrition Facts – 690 calories, 120 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,950 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 46 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Triple Steak Stack
Price: $6.49 ($4.99 at most locations)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It’s long. Lots of tender marinated steak. Awesome source of protein. Makes me want to play with my food.
Cons: Bland. Pricey. Steak tastes cheap. Cheese and flatbread bring very little flavor. Going to need a lot of Taco Bell sauce packets to give it some flavor. Flatbread not sturdy enough to handle the steak in it.

I wanted to ask the slightly above minimum wage earning person behind the Taco Bell counter if I could buy a large container of their nacho cheese sauce.

I didn’t ask because I wanted to be a dick, I asked because if all it takes is their nacho cheese sauce to magically come up with new menu items, like turning their Double Decker Taco into a Cheesy Double Decker Taco, then I’d rather to do it myself. I could also use it as a prop to act out what I imagine the Taco Bell new product brainstorming session was like when the Cheesy Double Decker Taco was created.

Taco Bell Executive #1: We need a new product for next month and I need it right now. And I need it to be good.

(Rumbling among the other executives)

Taco Bell Executive #2: How about we offer the Crunchwrap Sandwich, which has a generous helping of seasoned carne asada steak, sour cream, and refried beans in between two Crunchwraps The tagline for it can be, “Your mind has to wrap around it before your mouth does.”

Taco Bell Executive #1: That’s a horrible idea. Are you trying to kill our customers? Let me ask, are you high right now?

Taco Bell Executive #2: Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #2 giggles)

Taco Bell Executive #3: I got it. Since we’ve done a red taco shell and a black taco shell, how about we make a blue taco shell and use it for a shrimp taco. It’ll look like the shrimp are swimming in water.

Taco Bell Executive #1: Really? Lemme guess. You just watched Avatar again, and you’re probably high too?

Taco Bell Executive #3: Maybe.

(Taco Bell Executive #3 giggles and then high fives Taco Bell Executive #2)

Taco Bell Chihuahua: Yo quiero Milkbone Crunchwrap Supreme.

Taco Bell Executive #1: NO!

Taco Bell Bell: DONG!

Taco Bell Executive #1: NO!

(Taco Bell Executive #1 rolls her eyes.)

Taco Bell Executive #1: All right. We’ve got a lot of this nacho cheese sauce, so let’s just squirt some of it into our Double Decker Taco and call it the Cheesy Double Decker Taco. Are you all okay with that?

(Other Taco Bell executives nod to approve)

Taco Bell Executive #1: Good.

Taco Bell’s original Double Decker Taco is my favorite Taco Bell menu item and was the number one cause for my Freshman fifteen in college. The combination of a warm, soft flour tortilla, filled with refried beans, wrapped around a taco that contains seasoned beef, shredded cheddar cheese, and shredded lettuce gets my heart to beat quickly, although that could just be from the sodium. Combining the nacho cheese sauce with the refried beans obviously adds a lot more cheesiness, and that was nice. However, I didn’t find it to be better than the original, but I did think it’s just as tasty as a regular Double Decker Taco

While I didn’t think the nacho cheese sauce makes it better, I do think it makes it several times messier than the original Double Decker. Alone, the viscosity of the refried beans is high, but when combined with the nacho cheese sauce, it significantly lowers it, causing refried beans and cheese sauce to ooze out from in between the taco shell and tortilla when you bite into it. If you’re eating the taco with the wrapping it came in below you, you’ll find yourself scooping up escaped refried beans and cheese from it.

Overall, I liked the Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco, but that’s mostly because of my love for the original. Sure, it’s not very inventive and a monkey with a picture book of ingredients could develop something better, but if you think about it, it’s what we expect from Taco Bell. Personally, I think not straying too far creatively is the reason why when they introduce something a little more outside of the box, perhaps a blue shell taco, it blows our minds a little more than it should.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 taco – 350 calories, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 760 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco reviews:
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Item: Taco Bell Cheesy Double Decker Taco
Price: $1.49
Size: 1 taco
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Just as good as a Double Decker Taco. Nacho cheese sauce brings on the cheesy. Provides 8 grams of fiber — thanks beans! I <3 Double Decker Tacos. Pretending to hold a Taco Bell new product brainstorming session.
Cons: Nacho cheese sauce makes it messier than a regular Double Decker Taco. Not inventive. A monkey with a picture book of ingredients could come up with something better.