Nostalgia is a fascinating emotion.

It leads some of us on online quests to acquire Sega Genesis smash hits, like Earthworm Jim, for the sole intention of casually displaying the game cartridge on our office shelves. And it convinces others to sign up for adult recreational kickball leagues in vain attempts to recapture that 7th grade playground glory. It also causes us to be looser with our wallets than the belt we wore on those baggy pants we made our moms buy for us at the Gap in 1995.

I probably shouldn’t be so cynical, but you’d have a hard time convincing me nostalgia didn’t play a major role in the success of Taco Bell’s Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos Tacos Locos. I mean really; who among us didn’t pack a bag of Nacho Cheese or Cool Ranch Doritos in our lunchboxes back in the day (besides kids with hippy parents)? Those crunchy, chemically perfected bombs of MSG and spices delivered the escape from the trials and tribulations of stupid stuff like long division and fractions. We totally had it made.

No wonder we all jumped at the idea of our favorite childhood chips becoming tacos.

The only problem was that for many of us, myself included, it felt like something was missing in the hugely popular Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos. It’s not that they were bad – heck, they were by all accounts pretty damn tasty – but there was just something missing from both flavors that made us wonder why our favorite chips didn’t translate into our favorite fast food tacos.

Enter the third phase of the Doritos Locos Taco rollout.

Inspired by the Flamas Doritos chips, the new Fiery Locos Taco hasn’t quite generated the pre-release fanfare of its more iconic big brothers. Since I live in a region of the country deemed to have a sizable enough gringo demographic as to not be attracted to anything remotely spicy, my access to bags of Doritos Flamas have been few and far between. From the few times I’ve had them I remember a deceptively spicy heat at the end and an odd lime flavor. Not odd as in it tasted like Sprite or something, but odd as in, “Hey, I’m a white dude and this is a completely unexpected flavor combination.”

Dare I say, I liked it.

But I didn’t love it. At least, I didn’t love it to the point where I’d consider trading away a turkey sandwich, two packs of Dunkaroos, and those awesome Bachman pretzel packs for a single snack-size bag of the Flamas Doritos, a barter I routinely made at the elementary school lunch table in order to acquire similar bags of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Knowing I didn’t have an intense feeling of love towards Flamas Doritos, my expectations for the Taco Bello Fiery Locos Tacos were mild. Not lower — ok, yes, to be honest a bit lower — but also, actually, realistic. Taking that into account, I gladly handed over $1.69 for the Supreme version of the taco, hoping the addition of cooling sour cream and bright tomatoes would add just the right counterbalance to what is billed as a spicy, lime-infused taco shell.

I started out by taking a few bites of the taco shell on its own, expecting the bright red color to scorch my tongue like a fireball from Super Mario. Oddly enough, it was the taste of the lime that I noticed first, a puckering, moderate acidity which then gave way to a nice, spicy heat at the back end. It’s spicy, but not too hot. And I believe it strikes an acceptable compromise.

I wasn’t crazy about the strength of lime flavor, which on its own was too astringent for my taste and, unfortunately, there wasn’t enough yellow corn flavor to balance it out. Fortunately, the lime is greatly reduced when taking a bite of the taco as a whole, with the salty yet slightly sweet ground beef and gloopy, why-are-you-so-yummy sour cream helping to meld all the flavors together.

Unlike some people, I don’t find the shredded, but mild, cheddar cheese to be an afterthought, and in the case of this particular taco, even the slight milky taste came together nicely. What I liked most was the taco’s parting shot — a peppery heat that arises from the ground beef spice flavor, it captures the perfect middle ground between distractingly hot and unacceptably bland.

The new Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos are very good in the Supreme form. Serving as a more spice-intensive canvas that needs only a slathering of Fire Sauce for those looking to scorch their taste buds, it’ll also provide a modest, but definite kick that gives it flavor and personality beyond the simple classifications of “hot” and “not hot.”

(Nutrition Facts – 200 calories, 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating

Item: Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme
Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Perfectly constructed. Ends with surprising but not uncomfortable heat. Lime flavor doesn’t overpower with all the other flavors going on. Gloriously alchemized, highly-seasoned ground beef just works. Fresh veggies. Not getting let down by unrealistic expectations.
Cons: Lime flavor of the shell is too much on its own. Seasoning in the taco shell doesn’t extend all the way to the top. Tomatoes go jumping ship too easily. Always wishing for a little more beef in Taco Bell’s taco. Still waiting for a Jacked Doritos shell with epic crunch.

Purchased Price: $6.59
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Bigger than I thought it would be (12 inch tortilla that makes my hands look small). Lots of steak and cheese. Tender steak. Salsa has a nice flavor that goes well with the quesadilla and chips. Pepper jack cheese gives it enough flavor so you don’t need to dip it in the salsa. Comes with chips. Big containers of salsa and sour cream with enough to use with the quesadilla AND chips. Shareable. Awesome source of fiber, if you eat the whole thing. Everything Lorena Garcia touches.
Cons: Salsa wasn’t as spicy as I hoped it would be. Steak was unusually tender, as if it’s been prechewed. All the steak was concentrated at the bottom of the quesadilla. Awesome source of sodium and saturated fat, if you eat the whole thing. Smells like everything else from Taco Bell that’s been grilled.

Nutrition Facts: 960 calories, 400 calories from fat, 45 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 2070 milligrams of sodium, 97 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 43 grams of protein.

Best team-up of 2012!!!

No, I’m not talking about The Marvel Comics cinematic universe. I’m also not speaking about the Hawaii Five-O/NCIS: Los Angeles crossovers that had more hunks of meat than the Fast and the Furious series. While strength is normally greater in numbers, sometimes a duo will do nicely. In 2012, my dreams of Taco Bell and Doritos joining forces came into fruition.

Abbott and Costello. Andy Bell and Vince Clarke. Peanut butter and jelly. Vodka and texting. However, they all dwarf next to the perfect combo known as Doritos and Taco Bell. Both calorie-powered behemoths teamed up to have dirty fiscal sex and birthed out last year’s much lauded (or derided depending on your view) Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco.

“Hey Doritos Locos Tacos, you’re going to have a little brother!” the Taco Bell executive said softly as the taco was being drenched with Fire sauce. “How’s that for a surprise?”

“A brother?” said the taco sheepishly tinged with suspicion while being hoisted up in the air. “Hmm…I never had a brother before!!!” The Doritos Locos taco grinned at the thought while wiping the Fire sauce from its eyes.

“We can be best buds and plaaaaaaaaaayyayaya-aaaaarrrrgggggggggghhhh…” Doritos Locos Tacos screamed while being eaten alive. “…it will be fuuunnn-aaarrrrararararaaaaaaaaaaaaa…”

Oh yes, original nacho cheese Doritos Locos Tacos, it will be fun.

I was quietly excited by the news and thought to myself, “Could Taco Bell top last year’s arguably successful Locos Tacos?” By stuffing all that wet yumminess in a Cool Ranch Doritos taco shell, how could it go wrong? I was pretty happy as the taco was going to feature my favorite flavor, Cool Ranch. I’ve always love you long time Cool Ranch.

Sure, I’m a sucker for some of the other fringe tastes. I loved the Mountain Dew and X-13D Doritos flavors. Yet in a world of spicy-hang-ten-pizza-jacked-cheese-doubledongs, you pull for the old reliables once in a while. Whether that’s a worn out Pixies t-shirt or a tattered copy of the Art of Robotech, you’re always going to romance the familiar. And with Doritos, mine is Cool Ranch. That flavor fires my nostalgia synapses into overdrive.

This new Locos Tacos is akin to the sequel everybody wants, but will this be Die Hard 2 or It’s a Great Day to Die Hard with My Socks On (or whatever the hell it’s called). Either way, I’m going to get them. My thoughts are definitely jumped the gun before I’ve even tasted one but how can those flavors not complement each other? Don’t disappoint me dammit!!!

I plugged in the new Kavinsky album to enhance that 80’s feel as I drove my souped up vintage Hyundai. Nostalgia ran high as I hoped the Cool Ranch Doritos were getting the respect it deserved. I bought one of each, the standard version and the flamboyant Taco Supreme version that winked at me and blew me a kiss as ABBA’s “Mamma Mia” unexpectedly chimed in the background. Oh yeah, you know what I want.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

The ordinary Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos was filled with beef, lettuce and cheddar cheese encased in a Cool Ranch Doritos shell. The texture was nice with the cold crisp lettuce and the rich beef swimming in its sauce with shreds of cheese. My first bite was a big mouthful as the beef penetrated the lettuce and cheese. However, I couldn’t taste the Cool Ranch Doritos at all. It tasted like an ordinary taco and in disbelief I ate a piece of the shell. The shell was definitely a Cool Ranch Doritos but lacked that zesty punch those chips are known for. Subsequent bites made me slightly disappointed enough to quit eating it.

Yes, it’s a decent taco but that flagrant in-your-face Cool Ranch is absent. If eaten alone, you will realize the shell itself is the problem because it is so faint in flavor. I questioned if the supreme version would even be worth it.

Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme

We all know the Taco Supreme’s ingredients, but let me refresh your memory. This taco is filled with beef, lettuce, cheddar cheese, tomato, and the coup de grace — reduced fat sour cream. I’m not sure how to explain this and I’m not a chemist, alchemist, or whatever cosplay scientist roaming the sweaty aisles of some Comicon but…the Taco Bell sour cream is the story of legends. I don’t know what it really is made of but I’m sure it can simultaneously bring together our country’s divided political houses, make you forget your spiteful parents, and force The Smiths to reunite.

You see, I could actually taste the Cool Ranch Doritos this time. I ate the shell alone just to ensure it was the same. Yep, exact flaccid Cool Ranch Doritos taste. However, when eaten together…the taco’s beef and crisp lettuce combined with that sour cream was just so good. I’m not sure why, but I suspect the sour cream carries the Cool Ranch flavor better. Texture aside, which again cold and hot combined created an instant gratification, the taco supreme brought the Cool Ranch to the forefront. It’s still not as aggressive as I want, but it was nice.

As a fan of the Taco Bell/Doritos combo, I hope Taco Bell chooses to explore more varieties. However, I’ll take what I can and be satisfied with the Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme. Unfortunately, the ordinary version is right up there with Die Harder with The Hot Chick from Scott Pilgrim.

(Nutrition Facts – Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 mg of cholesterol, 350 mg of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugars and 8 grams of protein. Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme – 200 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 370 mg of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars and 9 grams of protein)

Other Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating

Item: Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos
Purchased Price: $1.39 (Regular), $1.69 (Supreme)
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Regular)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Taco Supreme)
Pros: The crisp lettuce, the rich seasoned beef and that damned fine sour cream. Robotech. Cool Ranch Doritos. Sour cream brings the Cool Ranch Doritos flavor to the forefront. Kavinsky.
Cons: The Cool Ranch Doritos shell lacks that zesty punch. Die Hards 3 to 27. Typing “Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos” so many times gave me carpal tunnel. Cosplay. I can’t stress how sad I was that the shell was weak. Being eaten alive can’t be fun.

XXL may be the shirt size you’ll wear if you eat Taco Bell’s new XXL Steak Nachos everyday. Also, the colors your bowels will release after eating one will probably rival a Dario Argento horror classic.

XXL is an appropriate description for these steak nachos. The damn box it comes in is a foot long! The thing weighs almost a pound!! When the drive-thru lady handed the nachos over to me, she had to bend her arm slightly!!! I have penis envy looking at the length of this container!!!!! How many exclamation points can I stuff in this paragraph?!!!!

I felt like I was buying a box of cereal from Taco Bell, that’s how mammoth the plastic container was. I know I’m supposed to talk about the food but I was obsessed how large this was. I felt like Dr. Michio Kaku pointing out, “Here’s our sun and now here’s our sun compared to a red giant!” My wife and I were stunned at the size of it as it sat imposingly on our coffee table.

Some of the promotion materials urge you to “Dig in.”

With what? A shovel?

I’m going to describe this as eloquently as I can because I’m guessing the photos cannot do any better than my words. The blobs of sour cream and guacamole look small because they are dwarfed by the amount of tortilla chips you get.

First, you have a heap (imagine Linus jumping in a pile of raked leaves kinda-heap) of warm tortilla chips. Then a plop of refried beans mixed in, followed by another larger plop of Velveeta-like nacho cheese, then an ice cream scoop plop of suspiciously bright green guacamole, followed by another plop of low-fat sour cream (Low fat? Does it really matter now, Taco Bell?), then a modest amount of pico de gallo, a conservative dash of shredded cheese, and a paltry amount of steak. It’s sort of like a food bell curve or an edible example of diminishing returns.

Nachos are one of the comfiest foods I can think of, right up there with cheese fries. They taste awesome when you’re sitting on the couch alone. They work just as well as communal food when you’re watching a game with your friends at a wing house. And I suppose…perfect for a party, if you’re throwing a nachos kind of party, which I never do. I feel nachos are a sacred dish and while the preparation is simple, it’s just as easy to fuck up.

I hate to say this folks, but what we have here is a gigantic pile of fuck up.

First, I’m not a fan of this nacho Velveeta-like cheese, but even with that, the consistency should be velvety and smooth. Like most things fun and dirty, the right viscosity is important. My cheese was dribbly and wet. The chips soon drooped as the cheese engulfed them slowly. I’m not even sure why there are little flecks of real cheese except to cheese-tease me with what this could have been. The sprinkling of the cheese was sparse; I think I only got two of the supposed three cheese blend.

However, I’m enamored with Taco Bell’s sour cream. I could write whole sonnets and monologues on this stuff or as I’ve declared before, brush my teeth with it. Yet, the consistency of the sour cream on my nachos were also too wet. The guacamole tasted slightly off, almost metallic, like the tub of green stuff you buy in the supermarket because you’re too impatient to wait for that Hass avocado to ripen.

The duo of these wet globs weighed on the nachos so much that it transformed into a piss poor cheese soup. Honestly, the flavors were just okay but they overwhelmed the pico de gallo which was easy to do since the amount of pico had no chance in the guac and sour cream storm. Oh, but I haven’t even gotten to the star of the XXL nachos, the steak.

I love red meat. I love steak. I will eat the hell out of a rare steak. I’ve drunkenly eaten a raw NY strip out of the fridge twice. I dream of those cartoons where they would tantalize a rabid dog with those oversized T-bone steaks. I’m also a realist, and I know the steak you’re going to get at Taco Bell is not one you would even get at a Perkins diner.

Even with my expectations lower than my father’s credibility, I was floored. You know those beef nuggets you can buy in that slick pouch by the beef jerky section? The steak had the texture and tasted just like it. It was as if the Taco Bell guy back there shook the remaining amount out of his bag he was eating from. There was an artificial smokiness, which I guess supplanted the grilled flavor. Also, thankfully in this case, there were so few of these nuggets. Or maybe they got lost in the condiments. It seems XXL does not mean the quantity of beef on these extra extra large nachos.

All the flavors together did not mesh well either. The artificial smoke from the steak and subpar guacamole ruined it. It was like sucking on pennies and chewing on Slim Jims. I’m all for fast food that is bad for you, but not fast food that tastes bad.

Now one good thing, besides never ordering these again, was the tortilla chips. These familiar triangles were warm, salty, and crispy until the tsunami of condiments drowned them. I’m all for slothsome gluttony, which we just experienced for Thanksgiving (unless you were the ones who stood in line to save $50 to buy a tablet so you can play Angry Birds or Fruit Ninja 3), but who likes to over-indulge if it’s mediocre?

I think the adjective Taco Bell uses, XXL, primes you for up for a good time with these nachos. It’s just too bad because these left me XXL disappointed, just like my imposing family does every Thanksgiving.

(Nutritional Facts – 1160 calories, 61 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 70 mg of cholesterol, 2140 mg of sodium, 115 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell XXL Steak Nachos
Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: A huge box
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: The chips were warm and seasoned well. The box was amusing. Perfect viscosity. Comfort foods. Wing houses. Beef jerky nuggets, just not in my nachos. Dr. Michio Kaku and Perkins diners, together in one place.
Cons: Condiments didn’t hold up and made the chips droopy. Metallic tasting guacamole. Wrong viscosity. Tired of Black Friday updates on the news Thanksgiving night…enough already!

Taco Bell (in)famously reconfigures the same few ingredients into “brand new” menu items quite often. If they ever wanted to offer actual new products and services, there are a few obvious candidates.

They could sell single servings of Pepto-Bismol, hand out business cards for good local plumbers, or provide complementary euphemisms for gastrointestinal unrest when the explanation, “I drunkenly ate a Taco Bell Party Pack at 2 a.m.” just won’t do. Investing in a new line of bakery goods wasn’t an obvious choice, but that’s the direction Taco Bell went with their new Cookie Sandwich and Churro.

On the Friday night after Thanksgiving, while you were likely getting ready for your high school reunion or engaging in the cherished annual tradition of contemplating how you could murder that one annoying cousin and make it look like an accident, I decided to venture out to the Taco Bell in my hometown. After downing a couple Doritos Locos Tacos (the fake Brad Pitt ad is really effective marketing), I tried out these new dessert offerings.

At first glance, the cookie sandwich looked almost like a toy, as though three layers of Play-Doh had been hastily pushed through a miniature pie mold. My tactile first impression was also quite negative, since the cookie sandwich was cold, hard, and clearly just removed from a storage fridge.

Taste-wise, the item performed a bit better, but not by much. The cookies were fine – appropriately sweet and chewy, and with a decent number of chocolate chips. After 10 seconds in the microwave, I imagine they could’ve resembled a poor man’s Mrs. Fields chocolate chip cookie.

The frosting, however, was awful. It was much too sweet, much too rich, and much too much, as the excessive frosting quickly made eating the cookie sandwich a very messy experience.

For my tastes, the churro fared significantly better. It came out as warm as the cookie sandwich was cold, with a noticeable and pleasant scent from the exterior dusting of cinnamon sugar.

The shell was nice and crispy, and provided a great contrast to the soft, moist innards (which was just barely on the good side of the line between moist and mushy). I actually thought this product could’ve used a little more sugar, and I wished there had been a dipping sauce on the side. But for 99 cents, the churro provided solid value.

While I’ve written a mixed review, I do like that the folks at Taco Bell, between these items and the Cantina offerings, are making real strides in adding to their menu, and I definitely enjoyed my churro. Next time you drop in for your Doritos Locos Tacos fix, make sure to pick up a couple churros, too.

And if you happen to be a plumber, maybe consider leaving some business cards there. You never know how else Taco Bell might be trying to improve the business.

(Nutrition Facts – Cookie Sandwich – 390 calories, 160 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 3 grams of protein. Churro – 190 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating
The Smidview

Item: Taco Bell Cookie Sandwich and Churro
Purchased Price: $1.29 (Cookie Sandwich)
Purchased Price: 99 cents (Churro)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 3 out of 10 (Cookie Sandwich)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Churro)
Pros: Cookies were appropriately sweet and chewy with decent number of chocolate chips. Churro was warm and smelled great. Churro’s crispy shell and moist inside contrasted nicely. Taco Bell offering actual new items. SNL Brad Pitt ads. Seeing high school friends over Thanksgiving break. 2 a.m. Taco Bell runs.
Cons: Cookie sandwich was cold and looked toy-like. Frosting was awful. Churro could’ve used more sugar or a dipping sauce. Your annoying cousin. 2 a.m. Taco Bell runs.