O’hi there, lasses and leprechauns!

St. Patrick’s Day is almost upon us, and I’ve chosen to take the fast food company approach to celebrating. As long as it’s a nice, radioactive shade of artificial green and it’s edible, it’s holiday appropriate. This brings us to Quaker’s Chocolatey Mint Granola Bar, one of the new, real cocoa-laden entries into its Chewy line of snackables. It contains eight grams of magical whole grains and absolutely none of that banshee HFCS.

In the past I’ve found that the only thing at the end of granola rainbows is a very dry mouth… and sometimes, if I’m really Irish-level lucky, honey or berries. Quaker, however, has always taken the concept in a very rice-puffed, kid-friendly direction. Chewy bars aren’t meant to see much non-paved wilderness action or to blend serendipitously with Kombucha. These are the snacks that litter the ground below the granola rainbow. That is why I chose them for St. Patrick’s Day instead of Earth Day. For Earth Day, they’d have to ramp it up about a thousand notches, maybe add some actual clover.

The bar itself imparts little to no flavor beyond a whispered hint of cocoa. It’s basically just a whole grain home for the wee little flavor chips, which are left to do all the heavy lifting. While delicious, they’re constantly falling off the bar and finding places to melt at bizarrely low temperatures, so that by the last bite, I’m left with green spotted pants and a bland rolled oat has-been bragging about a cacao tree it once knew.

“Like hell,” I say. “Little cocoa bar, you’ve no more rubbed elbows with Brazilian beans than you’ve hung out on the cliffs of Moher in the late evening mist, pining for your lost love, Little Debbie.”

If that isn’t a woeful pub ballad in the making, I don’t know what is. I’m pretty sure I’m like three green beers away from penning the defining junk food anthem here. Shall we make it two?

In response to my disbelief and persistent need to make this culinary experience all about me, the chewy bar drops several more mint chips onto the carpet in my living room.

Turns out my fridge contains no green beer. My options are Belgian ale or week old two buck chuck with green food coloring. Both seem like fitting choices for this completely non-Irish snack. I graduated from a college that celebrates St. Patrick’s Day two weeks earlier than the rest of the world and, honestly, I’m not even slightly Irish, so I feel neither compelled nor qualified to include anything authentic in my holiday choices. I need a shirt that says, “Kiss me for my minty breath and do not question my heritage.”

Surprisingly, pairing the oat brick and scattered mouthwash chips with a bit of ale actually kind of brought out the missing chocolate flavor, like a secret key. Not that I’m suggesting anything to any of you wee lads and lassies, but to you hardcore, daylong, age-appropriate St. Patty’s celebrants, all I’m going to say is that these are super convenient and breakfast really is the most important meal of the day, especially if the rest of the day’s meals are going to be imbibed in liquid form. Also, let’s face it: Lucky Charms are so passé. And, bonus, you get complimentary minty freshness in this deal, which is vaguely close to attempted personal hygiene. What’s not to love?

Now, if you’ll excuse, I’m going to get back to writing that soon-to-be-beloved folk ditty. Oh, chewy bar, my taste buds they are call-ing!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 90 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 8% calcium, and 4% iron. Not a significant source of any vitamins whatsoever.)

Item: Quaker Chewy Chocolatey Mint Granola Bars
Price: 3/$5.00 (on sale)
Size: 10 – .84 ounce bars
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Yummy mint chips liberally sprinkled about. Inspires me to write folk ballads. Pairs well with festive spirits. Unguarded pots of honey and berries. Minty fresh breath.
Cons: Lacks hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons. Chocolate bar is a tasteless brick. One must eat multiple bars to equal even a child-sized breakfast. Unrequited snack food love.

Oh, I wish I knew where Mikey was now. I want to know so that I can find out what he thinks of the Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults.

He’d be the perfect person to ask because he likes Life Cereal and he’s now an adult. But he’s probably too busy with real life, which may include a wife, and maybe a young Mikey Jr. or a daughter he wanted to name Mikey, but the wife shot him down. He probably works in insurance sales or is a financial planner and drives an 2001 white Toyota Camry nearing 100,000 miles with the vanity license plate ILIKEIT.

For many years, the license plate was probably one of the few reminders of his past celebrity, because the VHS tape recordings of his commercials were eaten up by a VCR with heads that were never cleaned. Fortunately, YouTube was invented and someone posted his Life Cereal commercials online. He is probably responsible for half of the 450,000+ views of his most popular commercial on YouTube.

Mikey probably doesn’t eat Life Cereal anymore because he’s become lactose intolerant and it’s hard to eat the cereal without milk. If he has a wife, he loves her, but feels she only married him because he was “the guy from the Life commercials.” He feels this way because she introduces him to people as, “My husband, the boy from the Life commercials.” He thinks his wife is cheating on him, because she bought a lot of lingerie from Victoria’s Secret that he’s never seen her wear. But he also has a mistress, who has no idea Mikey has a place in pop culture, because she was born many years after the commercials stopped airing.

Although doing those Life Cereal commercials brought him some fame, when he looks at where his life has gone, he probably sometimes wishes his parents never forced him into auditioning for those commercials. If he didn’t, he probably wouldn’t be Mikey, he would be just Mike, or perhaps Michael.

If Mikey were here and tried the Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults, I think he would like them, even though there’s nothing that resembles Life Cereal in them. The chewy adult bars come in two varieties: Banana Walnut Bread and Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan.

The Banana Walnut Bread flavor actually smells like banana bread. The banana flavor is noticeable, and thankfully isn’t artificial tasting. However, it tastes more like banana chips, which have a slight greasy flavor to them. The chopped walnuts yield little flavor and they seem like they’re mostly there to provide vitamins, minerals and to compliment the crunch of the whole grain oats and rice crisps in the bar.

The Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bars have a sweet cinnamon aroma. The cinnamon and frosting drizzle on top overpower the rest of the ingredients, which might make this bar too sweet for some. Even the chopped raisins got lost in the sweetness. Perhaps using whole raisins might’ve helped. As for the pecans, they play the same role the walnuts do in the other flavor, provide some nutritional value and add some crunch, but not deliver much flavor.

The folks at Quaker suggest warming up their Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults by sticking them in the microwave for 10 seconds, which seems to soften them. Does warming them up make them better? No. Is warming them up worth the 10 second wait? No. If you were immortal, would you wait the 10 seconds? Maybe. It would depend on how hungry I am.

Overall, the Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults are decent tasting, a good source of B vitamins and provides 5 grams of fiber per bar. But I’m not sure why they’re under the Life Cereal brand, since they’re not made with Life Cereal, and why they’re labeled “For Adults.” Because unlike other things I’ve bought that were “For Adults,” I didn’t have to pull out my driver’s license to prove my age when I bought them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Banana Walnut Bread – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 6 grams of protein.)

Item: Quaker Life Soft Baked Nutrition Bars For Adults (Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan & Banana Walnut Bread)
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Banana Walnut Bread)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan)
Pros: Both flavors were good. Banana Walnut Bread smells like banana bread. Banana isn’t artificial tasting. Contains 5 grams of fiber. Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bar have a sweet pleasant cinnamon scent. Good source of B vitamins. Full of other nutrients. Didn’t have to pull out my driver’s license to buy these adult bars.
Cons: No Life Cereal in them. Don’t know what Mikey thinks of them. Nuts don’t provide much flavor. Raisins got lost in the sweetness of the Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bars. Cinnamon Roll Raisin Pecan bar might be too sweet for some. The sad world I imagine Mikey lives in.

I could call many things in life delightful, but then I would sound like a snooty woman who comes from old money and has never worked a damn day in her life A crisp autumn breeze is delightful. A properly poured pint of Guinness is delightful. The chance for a certain baseball team to bring home the bacon two years in a row is delightful. But to call a granola bar delightful, that’s just pushing it.

I feel bad for granola bars, even though they’re the whores of the snack food world. All they want is to be loved and enjoyed; instead they’re used as substitutes for what we really want. People, including myself, generally have an “Eh, I guess I’ll have a granola bar to tie me over until I have REAL food” attitude when it comes to the slutty snack that prostitutes its way from children’s lunch bags to the desk drawers of CEOs who had to abandon their three martini lunches because of the economy.

The Quaker True Delights Dark Chocolate Raspberry Almond Granola Bar is trying to be the Pretty Woman of the snack bar world. Dressed in its sexy black wrapper (a.k.a little black dress), it appears to be better than your run-of-the-mill granola bar that you can find slutting it up everywhere. My mother (and every “Very Special Episode” 1980’s sitcom) told me that the inside of a person, or in this case, a granola bar is what matters.

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the inside is just like any other granola bar. However, I wouldn’t totally dismiss it. This classy beauty wasn’t like her co-worker, Quaker Chewy bar, because she didn’t skimp on the good stuff like chocolate and nuts. In fact, she was chock full of nice semi-sweet dark chocolate chunks and crunchy almonds. Of course, the raspberry flavoring wasn’t that strong, but if you’ve read any of my reviews that include pseudo raspberry flavoring, I’m always bitching about that.

The bar was tasty, but you can find heartier granola bars, like the Nature Valley Trail Mix for less cash. Paying $3.49 for a box of five bars that each weigh a slim 1.2 ounces isn’t worth it. It’s pretty bad when the picture on the box says “enlarged illustration” and even that isn’t big. (Good thing they don’t show “enlarged illustrations” on bottles of Viagra)

These petite bars are good, but one won’t even satisfy mediocre hunger pains that always hit at around three in the afternoon. So what’s the point of getting a high class hooker granola bar that’s more expensive when it won’t even curb your need for something to keep your stomach from growling to the beat of the next annoying Black Eyed Peas single?

Where’s the delight in that?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 140 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin C and 4% iron.)

Item: Quaker True Delights Dark Chocolate Raspberry Almond Granola Bars
Price: $3.49
Size: Box of 5
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Black wrapper adds a classy touch to a whorey snack. Dark chocolate tastes good. A lot of almonds. Adds more variety to the granola bar category. The Phillies.
Cons: Having to settle for a granola bar. Small size. Lack of a strong raspberry taste. Using the word “delight” inappropriately.

As someone who gets dietary fiber via Pop-Tarts and Omega-3 fatty acids from gummy fish, I should be stoked about the (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars, but I’m not.

Because if an iPhone can be not only a phone, but also a music player, video player, Internet device and portable video game machine, then I should expect more from the (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars.

If Quaker was able to enhance a granola bar with 35 percent of your daily value of dietary fiber and 320 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 fatty acids, then why can’t they also include antioxidants, caffeine, B vitamins, minerals, ginko biloba and fluoride. Because I believe that you either go all the way or go home.

Sure, there aren’t many graphic designer who would want to attempt to design the packaging for a product with the name (take a deep breath), Quaker Fiber, Omega-3, Antioxidants, Caffeine, B Vitamins, Minerals, Ginko Biloba & Fluoride Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars, but that granola bar, my friends, would truly be considered a superfood.

One granola bar to rule them all.

Each (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars is 3.5 inches long, three-fourths of an inch wide and about half an inch thick, which is kind of small, but also somewhat the norm when it comes to granola bars. The bars get their chocolate flavor from semisweet chocolate chunks in them and a chocolatey drizzle on top, and combined they give it an enjoyable chocolate flavor, which makes me think these could be really bad for me.

The bar’s downfall is how fragile it is. It falls apart faster than a Jenga tower in a game between a drunk Nick Nolte and a coked up Gary Busey, both of whom will think they’re playing against hallucinations of themselves. It’s quite irksome to have the granola bar breaking down in my fingers and possibly causing pieces to fall on the floor; because my DustBuster no longer works, the maid service I use will no longer accept jobs from me due to “sexual harassment” issues and I don’t own a dog or goat that could eat it up off the floor.

To solve this problem, perhaps there needs to be a (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber, Omega-3, Antioxidants, Caffeine, B Vitamins, Minerals, Ginko Biloba, Fluoride and Elmer’s Glue Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bar.

(Nutrition Facts- 1 bar – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars
Price: $3.49
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good chocolate flavor. 35% of daily value of fiber. 320 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 fatty acids from flaxseed. Getting fiber from Pop-Tarts and Omega-3 from gummy fish.
Cons: Breaks apart really easily. Kind of small. Only five bars (whatever happened to even numbers). Doesn’t include antioxidants, caffeine, B vitamins, minerals, ginko biloba and fluoride. Long product name. Trying to fit long product names on packaging. Being a Jenga tower in the same room as a drunk Nick Nolte and a coked up Gary Busey.