You know how some people go through a traumatic experience and then totally forget about the incident because it was so traumatic? Well I think I experienced that with this Carb Well Golden Crunch cereal.

It all started one glorious morning when I opened the cupboard and noticed the box of Carb Well cereal. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I didn’t have a chance to eat it, thanks to a particular crappy cereal that doesn’t turn my milk chocolatey.

Since I had nothing else around to eat for breakfast, I decided to try it.

When I pulled the box down, I noticed that the box was open. Even the package inside was opened and sealed with a clothespin.

I thought it was strange, because I didn’t remember opening the box. I figured it must have been my roommate, but then I knew he never touches my food. I shrugged it off and poured myself a bowl.

As the golden nuggets poured into my bowl, I could smell sweetness of the Carb Well cereal. What makes this cereal special is the fact it has very little carbs (9 grams), a whole lot of protein (11 grams), and a bit of fiber (5 grams).

It smelled pretty good, so I assumed it would taste good.

Let me tell you, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After I took that first spoonful of the Carb Well cereal, horrible memories that were repressed began spilling out of my subconscious. It all came back to me, all the memories of opening the box of Carb Well cereal and trying to eat a bowl two weeks earlier.

I remember the dryness of the cereal; the lack of taste; the way it seemed to soak up my saliva like sponges; the way I spit it out of my mouth; the pouring of what was left in my bowl down the drain and running the garbage disposal for a good minute to make sure the Carb Well cereal was dead; and wondering whether or not the dry dog food I once ate was worse tasting.

Oh, the horror! The horror! Mommy!

I guess I was so traumatized from the experience that I unconsciously just put the box of Carb Well cereal away and tucked away those memories deep into my mind.

After I calmed down from reliving those memories, I wanted to throw the rest of it away, but my cheap bastard side wouldn’t allow me waste the $2.50 I spent on it.

So I tried to overcome the blandness the best way that I could, by sprinkling sugar on top. It worked for Corn Flakes, Shredded Wheat, and Total, so I figured it would help.

However, with the Carb Well cereal, the sugar didn’t help at all.

For you Mary Poppins fans, I’ll explain it to you like this:

Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down
The Carb Well go down-wown
The Carb Well go down.
Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down.
Not in a delightful way.


Editor’s Note: Originally, I had put down the Sound of Music, instead of Mary Poppins, because I am an idiot. Thanks to all the readers/Julie Andrews fans who pointed this out to me. I need sugar.

After I realized the sugar wouldn’t help, I decided I had to get rid of the Carb Well cereal or else it would haunt me forever. So I poured the rest of the box down the drain and killed them all with the garbage disposal.

Note to self: Do not be tempted by the prices of Reduced For Quick Sale items. Especially meat, poultry, and dairy items.

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Item: Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs and high protein. I might eat it if it were the last remaining food on Earth.
Cons: The horror! Oh, the horror! May cause traumatic experience. No amount of sugar will help with its taste.