An exclamation point is used to show excitement, pain, anger and, depending on the amount used, the degree of your LOL. Of those options, I’m not sure what the exclamation point in the Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts is trying to express. Maybe it’s the pain and/or anger of the grapes who are disappointed they were used in a filling for a toaster pastry instead of a fine Merlot wine from Napa Valley.

Or the unnecessary punctuation could be trying to show some excitement. Although, even though an exclamation point looks like an erection, there’s nothing really thrilling about grape Pop-Tarts. The only punctuations I feel best describe this latest Pop-Tarts flavor is a colon, following by a hyphen and then a vertical bar.

As you can see on the box, each Pop-Tart is baked with real fruit…oh, I’m sorry…Real Fruit! But this means absolutely nothing if you’re trying to consume your recommended daily servings of fruit since the filling is made up of only 10 percent fruit. Also, like all Pop-Tarts, each one is fortified with sad amounts of vitamins and minerals. These pitiful amounts are as satisfying as trying to masturbate to pictures of Amish women because only around 10 percent of their skin is showing.

If you’re expected the Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts to be healthier than, let’s say Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts, because it contains a little fruit, you will be disappointed. But honestly, just by looking at it, it’s easy to see it’s not the most healthiest item you can have as part of a complete breakfast. Try to name me any product with purple frosting and a radioactive green-colored drizzle that is healthy.

I’ve tried a lot of different Pop-Tart flavors in my lifetime and I have to say the Wild! Grape flavor is probably near the bottom of my favorite Pop-Tart flavors list, although I did like it. The grape flavor is a familiar one that I’ve tasted with either a grape candy or juice and it’s not overly sweet like some of the dessert flavored Pop-Tarts. It’s decent tasting, but if I want a fruit flavored Pop-Tart I’d prefer the frosted strawberry or blueberry ones. But if I want to be masochistic, deprive myself of sugary goodness and avoid unnecessary punctuation marks, I’ll purchase unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% iron, 10% thiamin, 10% riboflavin, 10% niacin, 10% vitamin B6 and 8% folic acid.)

Item: Frosted Wild! Grape Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes decent toasted, straight out of the box or frozen. No trans fat. Using an exclamation point to express excitement. Exclamation point is an erect phallic punctuation.
Cons: Not one of my favorite flavors. Unnecessary use of an exclamation point. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Poor amounts of vitamins, minerals and fruit. Purple frosting and radioactive green drizzle is a little offputting. Trying to masturbate to pictures of heavily clothed Amish women. 😐

Oh. Dear. Lord. Stop reproducing, Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts!

You’re making the Octomom and all the reality show fertility families on TLC look normal. What are you up to now, forty or so offspring? I bet they just slide right out of you now, yelling “Weeeeee!!!” as they come through your birth canal. Aren’t you almost 50 years old? Aren’t you too old to be reproducing? It’s dangerous at your age. Or maybe you’re trying to get your own reality show on TLC called “Poppin’ Out Tarts Until Menopause Starts”?

By now you’re also probably running out of names because your latest kid’s name, Blueberry Muffin, sounds like an exiled Strawberry Shortcake character or a slightly chubby stripper who is into autoerotic asphyxiation. I hope you don’t name your next child, Poppy Seed Muffin Pop-Tarts, because, really, if you think about it, that should be your name.

Well, at least your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts sound like something that can be eaten for breakfast, which Pop-Tarts was originally made for. It’s unlike many of the offspring you’ve delivered over the past few years, which were more like desserts than breakfast pastries. Also, now that I think about it, most of them had stripper names: Hot Chocolate, Cookies and Cream and Chocolate Banana Split.

Your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts look very similar to other frosted Pop-Tarts, so I guess you’re not jumping over the fence. It has a light yellow crust with blueberry muffin flavor and blueberry bits filling and white frosting with brown and blue sprinkles on top. It doesn’t taste like a blueberry muffin, instead it tastes like a less sweet Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart. The blueberry flavor wasn’t overwhelming, which was due to the filling not containing much blueberry flavor. But if blueberry muffins tasted like this Pop-Tart, I would be breaking out my muffin pans and inner Betty Crocker to make them every day, because I really liked the flavor of these Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts.

Hmm…Now I’m torn, Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts. I want you to stop reproducing, because it just isn’t safe (or pretty) at your age. But I want you to continue reproducing so that I can see if you come up with something as good as your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts.

(sigh)

Continue reproducing. Weeeeee!!!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.49
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good. Not overly sweet like a regular Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart. Blueberry flavor wasn’t overwhelming. It’s a Pop-Tart that sounds like it can be eaten for breakfast. Vitamins and minerals. My inner Betty Crocker. Weeeee!!!
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a blueberry muffin. Has a stripper’s name. Having more than 40 children. A reality show on TLC called “Poppin’ Out Tarts Until Menopause Starts.”

The banana split is a highlight of American dessert ingenuity and the ultimate dessert for those who want to give a big middle finger and a loud “fuck it” to their diets.

A classic version of this ice cream dessert includes scoops of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream placed in single file on a banana that’s been split in half and topped with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream and maraschino cherries.

The regret and possible diarrhea comes separately.

Although meant for two people, banana splits are usually eaten by 12-year-olds on their birthday or whenever their parents are sick and tired of their corpulent 12-year old’s whining for one. Kellogg’s has taken selected flavors from the beloved banana split and compacted them into a svelte toaster pastry form with their Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts.

I’ve always thought of Pop-Tarts as part of a complete breakfast, but the Pop-Tarts trend of introducing ice cream-related flavors over the years has confused me because I don’t know if it’s appropriate to eat them for breakfast. Just like drinking a malt liquor at the crack of dawn or poppin’ a cap at daybreak, it feels a little weird eating Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts or Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts to help jump start my day. Until Kellogg’s tells me something otherwise, I’ll continue to eat their toaster pastries in the A.M. only.

The Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts filling is made up of alternating chocolate and banana stripes, but the strong flavor of the white banana stripes overwhelms the brown chocolate stripes. If you hate products that have a weird artificial banana taste and smell, you should avoid these Pop-Tarts. I personally like weird artificial banana tasting products and these Pop-Tarts weren’t bad, but they definitely aren’t anywhere near the top of my list of favorite Pop-Tarts flavors.

The Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts may not be a highlight of Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts ingenuity, but they do have the ability to temporarily silence a corpulent 12-year-old’s whining.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Chocolate Banana Split Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting because I like weird artificial banana tasting products. Contains vitamins and minerals. Ability to temporarily silence a rotund 12-year-old’s whining. American ingenuity. USA! USA! USA! Real banana splits.
Cons: Artificial banana taste overwhelmed the chocolate. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Sprinkles don’t add anything. It feel weird eating desserts for breakfast. Eating a whole banana split by yourself.

Remember when low-carb foods were the big food trend?

You couldn’t walk down an aisle in your local supermarket without running into a food that claimed it was LOW-CARB in, ironically, fat letters. But the oddest thing about this craze was finding low-carb versions of items that were nothing but carbs, like low-carb pasta and low-carb bread.

That trend fortunately died, or lost so much weight with its own low-carb diet that it can no longer be seen, but it seems in its dying moments it passed the food trend torch to high-fiber foods, like the Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts, which I feel is extremely dangerous because, as we all know, too much fiber can lead to flatulence and too much flatulence near a torch leads to a flamethrower.

Despite the pyromaniacal possibilities with high-fiber foods, I’m excited about the fiber content in these Pop-Tarts. Although it’s sad the fiber it provides excites me more than the fact that it’s a frosted chocolate fudge Pop-Tart. If I were 20 years younger, I’m sure the focus of my delight would be reversed and I would shrug my shoulders to the five grams of fiber in each Pop-Tart while I chomp my way through its toasted, gooey goodness.

With this particular version of Pop-Tarts, Kellogg’s has successfully made them slightly healthier, without making them taste healthier. They attempted the same thing last year with their line of whole grain Pop-Tarts, which were good, but had a slightly off-putting, grainy texture. This Pop-Tarts variation doesn’t have that same texture, despite having the same amount of whole grains, but its crust did seem a little more fragile.

Even with five grams of fiber and 16 grams of whole grains, it tasted exactly like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. It had a great chocolate flavor and if you were to give one of these to a 13-year-old version of me, I definitely wouldn’t know that it has 20% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. Although if I ate all eight pastries in one sitting, I would definitely know I consumed 160% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. And so would the people around me.

If that does happen, I hope I’m not near a torch.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and several vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.79
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. Great chocolate taste. Sixteen grams of whole grain in each pastry. Provides 20% of my daily intake of fiber in each pastry. Vitamin and minerals.
Cons: Contains high fructose corn syrup. Crust is slightly more fragile that regular Pop-Tarts. Being excited about fiber. Eating an entire box of these Pop-Tarts. Low-carb pasta and low-carb bread. Flatulence and fire.

Like how Britney avoids court dates, for many years, I stayed away from Whole Grain and visa versa. I’m not sure when the dislike began between us. Maybe it was the time when I dropped the letters W, L, and E from its first name and went around calling it “Ho Grain.”

Or maybe it was the time when Whole Grain called me a “man-whore,” willing to give up my body to any lonely middle-aged/senior Japanese female tourist willing to buy me cheap cigarettes, a fake flower lei, squashed Twinkies, and a can of Asahi beer.

Those days have passed and Whole Grain and I have become friends. How did that happen? Well it’s because I’ve been seeing Ho Grai…oops, sorry, it’s kind of a habit. I mean, I’ve been seeing Whole Grain all over the place. I’m not only seeing it in the bread aisle, but also the cereal aisle, pasta aisle, and amongst all the Hot Pockets. I figured if I’m going to have to see it all the time, there’s no sense in being dicks to each other. So we called a truce, we’ve been getting to know each other, and apparently Whole Grain is not so bad.

First off, Whole Grain provides fiber and that’s something we all need in order to poop properly. Secondly, it watches the TV show 30 Rock. Thirdly, we both hate and wish nothing but the wrath of everything evil upon Wonder Bread. So all of that might be the reasons why I enjoy the new Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts.

It tastes just like regular unfrosted Pop-Tarts, except with a slightly grainy texture. There’s a drizzle of frosting on top and it is pretty good for something that supposed to be “healthier” than the original version. However, it tastes like regular unfrosted Pop-Tarts probably because their nutrition facts are very similar. The Kellogg’s Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts have 20 less calories, 1 less gram fat, 0.5 less grams of saturated fat, 20 less milligrams of sodium, 2 less grams of carbs, 1 less gram of sugar, and 2+ grams more of fiber.

Despite the whole grain, the Kellogg’s Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts are only slightly healthier than regular Strawberry Pop-Tarts, which is disappointing, but again, not surprising since they taste very similar.

Shit! I feel duped. You deceived me Whole Grain…or should I say Ho Grain.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, 10% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 0% Calcium, 10% Iron, 10% Thiamin, 10% Riboflavin, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 4% Folic Acid, and 100% friendship)

Item: Kellogg’s Whole Grain Strawberry Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Strawberry Pop-Tarts. More fiber than regular Pop-Tarts. Slightly, slightly healthier than regular Pop-Tarts. Being Rickrolled.
Cons: Stingy with the frosting. A little grainy texture. Slightly, slightly healthier than regular Pop-Tarts. Just one serving of whole grain. Need a chocolate-flavored versions. High fructose corn syrup. Less than 0.5 grams of trans fat per pastry. Giving up my body for damaged food.