There will come a time, likely at the beginning of next month if history is any indicator, where many of us in the junk food community — myself included — will find ourselves standing in front of a bathroom mirror, or on an unforgiving bathroom scale, lamenting the devious being who invented Chex Party Mix, puppy chow, and those delightfully sinful temptations that haunt my dreams, Oreo balls. We will pledge to right the ship in the new year by eschewing things that weren’t grown in dirt or on trees, by taking walks over our lunch breaks, and by avoiding sugar like it’s the door handle of a grade school bathroom.

We know how to eat healthy, sure. The problem is eating healthy isn’t always delicious, and as human people, we like to eat delicious things. Kellogg’s is trying to up its share of the health food market by cramming its beloved breakfast pastries with extra protein. Okay, so “cramming” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. And make no mistake, despite the increased amount of protein, these are still far from healthy food.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a pretty harsh Pop-Tart critic. Over the last several years, Pop-Tarts, as much if not more so than any other food, seemed to have suffered from shrinkflation. With each passing package, they seem to lose frosting coverage, and, much like my joy while consuming, the filling has diminished. I just can’t justify the sugar and the calories when I get so little happiness in return. The new extra protein version, however, was a markedly different experience.

Each pastry was covered in frosting, with only the barest edge of crust untouched. There seemed to be more filling than I’ve grown accustomed to, too. I had Protein Boostin’ Brown Sugar Cinnamon (Brown Sugar Cinnamon being the best all-time regular Pop-Tart, of course), and each bite was full of that familiar cinnamon-y goodness. (These also come in Bumpin’ Blueberry and Slammin’ Strawberry, because, in the name of health, food must be bumped, slammed, and/or boosted, obviously.)

The only difference I could notice from a regular Pop-Tart was the texture; these were chewier than usual, but not to the point of distraction. What I mean is, if you haven’t had a normal Pop-Tart in several years, the textural difference probably won’t even be noticeable.

I enjoyed the box I bought enough to want to try the other varieties. I’d be surprised if they remain on shelves, though. People looking for gainz won’t find many here — 10 grams for two tarts from milk protein concentrate and wheat protein, isn’t exactly incredible, and only double the original, plus you’re ingesting 31 grams of sugar along the way — and the regular Pop-Tart consumer probably won’t be bothered to spend an extra buck.

Purchased Price: $3.48
Size: 14.3 oz box/8 pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 Pop-Tarts) 400 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 31 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.

I never thought I’d say this, but I may have Pop-Tarts nightmares now – specifically from the new Pop-Tarts Frosted Apple Turnover flavor.

There have been various iterations of apple-flavored Pop-Tarts, including the Frosted Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts back in 2019 – which were also a Walmart exclusive.

But, this new exclusive iteration is different because:

1. It’s an apple turnover – so now there’s a specific pastry called out
2. Most notably, they’re printed with the Pop-Tarts football mascot.

I got a serious jump scare the moment I opened the foil package. I saw the mascot’s eyes and immediately recoiled with an audible “Eughhhhh!”

The print job of the mascot was… not great. It was off-center and just not as high-fidelity as the graphics on the outside of the box. I shuddered thinking that there were five more designs to discover—seven total. No, thank you.

On the bright side, once I toasted it, the dreaded mascot didn’t become the dripping horror show I was imagining. It stayed intact, though it did form a little bubble right between its eyes. Spooky. It felt like Halloween all over again—-Pop-Tarts edition.

While my eyeballs did not enjoy the visual unhingedness, my tastebuds enjoyed the flavor of these. It was very classic tasting – balanced, not too tart and not overly sweet. There was a distinct and good contrast between the icing and the slightly gooey interior of the apple filling. Would I have liked more apple goo? Apple-solutely. But at $3 a box, I get it—they had to cut costs somewhere, and it was in the goo department.

Honestly, Pop-Tarts could’ve called these Frosted Apple [Insert Any Pastry Name Here]—strudel, hand pie, whatever—and I still would’ve been just as happy.

All in all, if you spot them at your local Walmart, they’re worth a try. But be prepared to be startled… and maybe have a few nightmares.

Purchased Price: $2.62
Size: 13.5 oz/8 count
Purchased at: Walmart (Exclusive)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 pastries – 96g) – 370 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5g of polyunsaturated fat, 2g of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar (includes 27 grams of added sugar), and 4 grams of protein.

Have you ever sipped on a cup of hot cocoa on a cold, snowy evening and thought, “This is nice, but I wish I could have it in the form of a toaster pastry”?

Well, if you have, Pop-Tarts has got you covered!

This limited-edition flavor, Frosted Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Pop-Tarts, has a cocoa pastry and a marshmallow filling. There are also wintry designs printed on the frosting, which is fun.

There are some Pop-Tarts I prefer at room temperature, some I prefer toasted, and some where I don’t care either way. I tried this flavor both untoasted (“Make a toast,” ironically) and toasted (“Cocoa is deer to me”). This variety is much better toasted: The marshmallow filling becomes nice and gooey, like a marshmallow over a fire or marshmallows in a cup of hot cocoa. But marshmallows aren’t known for their exciting flavor.

As for the cocoa part of the pastry, it’s barely there. I get a whiff of fake chocolate when I open the package, like you get in a Tootsie Roll or a Dum-Dum pop, but I don’t really taste it in the Pop-Tart itself. According to the ingredients list, there is less than two percent of cocoa and natural and artificial flavors.

My all-time favorite Pop-Tart flavor is Sugar Cookie, and I have had a hard time finding it in recent years. I hope this new, mediocre winter flavor doesn’t supplant that superior winter flavor.

These are sugary carbs with a gooey filling, so they’re enjoyable to eat. But they’re really just boring. If you want to eat them this winter, I recommend waiting until January. There are so many better ways to spend your calories in December.

Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 8-count box
Purchased at: Smith’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 pastries) 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 340 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 32 grams of sugar including 32 grams of added sugar, and 4 grams of protein.