Pizza Hut knows we all have the internet, right?

Because how can they consider their new 3-Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza to be the latest and greatest they can offer in the United States when many of us know about–via the internet–a pizza they introduced in the Middle East last year with cheeseburgers as the outer crust, which still hasn’t made its way here. I mean, if this was the 1980s and they released a pizza with cheeseburgers as the outer crust in the Middle East, I’m pretty sure no one in the U.S. would’ve found out about it, unless someone was fortunate to have a Middle Eastern pen pal.

But it’s not the leotard and leggings 80s, it’s 2013 and information spreads easily. When actresses climb out of a car awkwardly, their upskirt photos are posted all over the internet within minutes. When the Boston Red Sox won the World Series, their Wikipedia page was updated within seconds after the final out.

Yes, I’m upset.

This should be a review about a pizza with frickin’ cheeseburgers, but instead I’m writing about a pizza with three cheeses in its crust. I mean, that would be impressive if that was the most cheeses they ever put into a crust, but it’s not. Remember their Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza? Well, that had five.

But enough of my desire to see that pizza-cheeseburger hybrid in the United States. And it’s not as if other countries now have it…

Wait! What the fu…! Ugh. Seriously? Whatever.

The three cheeses stuffed into the outer crust of this pizza are mozzarella (boring because it’s all over the rest of the pizza), white cheddar (the albino brother of regular cheddar), and provolone (my first cheese option at Subway). The Pizza Hut 3-Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza is a hand tossed-style pizza and you can get whatever toppings you want on yours, but I ordered mine with pepperoni because I’m as boring as the mozzarella, white cheddar, and provolone stuffed into the crust of this pizza.

Let me move away from the stuffed crust for a moment and talk about the rest of the pizza, which won’t be much because it’s just the normal hand-tossed Pizza Hut pizza. If you’re not familiar with their hand-tossed pizza, it’s thinner and not as crispy as their pan pizza. As for the sauce, cheese, and pepperoni, it’s the typical stuff you’d find on any Pizza Hut pizza.

Now back to the stuffed crust.

Seeing the large puffs on the edge of the pizza, might make you think that each one of them is stuffed with cheese, but they’re not. If you’re an optimist, you’d say they’re half-full of cheese. But if you’re a pessimist, you’d say they’re half-full of air. The combined flavor of the three cheeses is a nice change of pace from the typical mozzarella in the original Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza. Each cheese has a mild flavor so one isn’t going to overwhelm the others. When combined they have a decent flavor that does entice me to eat the crust instead of throwing it away, feeding it to birds, or use them as horns on my head while my friends and I play pizza crust bull and pizza box matador.

However, I don’t see myself ever buying this pizza again. Yes, it’s an improvement over the previous stuffed crust pizza, but I can’t help but think they could’ve done more to encourage non-crust eaters to scarf down the additional carbs. Maybe include a dipping sauce, like they did with their oddly familiar looking Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites Pizza? Or, since the stuffed crust is half-full of air, why not stuff a little sauce, meat, and veggies. Or maybe do something crazy, like attach cheeseburgers.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/8 of a pizza – 300 calories, 160 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 880 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 16 grams of protein.)

Item: Pizza Hut 3-Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza
Purchased Price: $16.99* (for one topping)
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Flavor of the three cheeses is a step up from the usual mozzarella in the original Stuffed Crust Pizza. Ample pepperoni. If you enjoy Pizza Hut hand-tossed pizzas, this one will not offend you. The internet. The Pizza Hut cheeseburger crust pizza. Playing pizza crust bull and pizza box matador.
Cons: Stuffed crust is half-full of air; could’ve used that space to fit more ingredients. Could’ve also used a dipping sauce. Still waiting for Pizza Hut’s cheeseburger crust pizza in the U.S. Doesn’t beat the record for number of cheeses in a Pizza Hut crust. Looks like a Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites Pizza. Having my upskirt photos posted on the internet.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

Pizza Hut likes to do things differently. In the past, they’ve been known to shove hot dogs inside of their pizza crusts, or even decorate the perimeter of a pie with cheeseburgers. It seems that Pizza Hut has once again decided to deviate from the traditional pizza crust formula with the introduction of the new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza, which was launched in the United States on April 3 and will be available for a limited time only.

The Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza encircles a pizza with cheese pockets containing a blend of five different cheeses: asiago, fontina, mozzarella, provolone, and white cheddar. For just $12.99, hungry citizens all over the US can purchase a single topping Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza. Today, I was one of those citizens.

As my stomach growled with unimaginable voracity, I picked up the phone and dialed my nearest Pizza Hut. The exchange went something like this…

Pizza Hut Employee: Pizza Hut. How can I help you?

Me: Hi, I’d like to order a Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: …a what?

Me: A Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: Do you mean…a Stuffed Crust Pizza?

Me: No, I mean a Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza.

Employee: *silence*

Me: It’s a new pizza that was released yesterday. Do you have it?

Employee: Oh, umm…please hold.

After being placed on hold for a short while, the employee returned and allowed me to finish my order, assuring me it would be thirty minutes until my pizza arrived. I was nervous, worried that the delivery person would hand me a pizza box containing a normal, non-crazy pizza.

I can only imagine the chaos that occurred at that Pizza Hut when I hung up the phone: employees running every which way, knocking over boxes of crusts, cheeses, and sauces, searching for some sort of clue to help them learn what exactly a “Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza” is, and exactly how one can be prepared. Soon, a riot begins, and a few unfortunate individuals lose their lives while searching for the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza recipe.

(A moment of silence for the victims of the Great Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Massacre of 2013.)

The thirty minutes I spent waiting for my pizza were long and trying. Eventually, the delivery person arrived, and I gave him the cash in exchange for his Cheesy Crust. I opened the box, and found myself standing before a pizza somewhat shaped like a chrysanthemum. Extending from the main body of the pizza were sixteen cheesy prongs, begging to be devoured. I could wait no longer; I picked up my first slice and took a bite.

The main pizza portion of Pizza Hut’s new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza offers few surprises. The sauce is Pizza Hut’s usual sweet tomato sauce, and the cheese provides a pretty standard mozzarella taste. The crust, however, is noticeably thinner than a standard Pizza Hut pizza’s crust, providing a bit less support, which leads to a sagging slice. However, this might not be deemed an issue for fans of Domino’s and Papa John’s.

The real difference shines through with the pockets of cheese. Whether eaten before the rest of the slice or after, the five cheese blend tastes noticeably different compared to the rest of the pizza. The lack of sauce in the pockets really serves to highlight the flavor of the cheeses. I was unable to identify the unique flavor of any of the five cheeses. Instead, the five cheese flavors blend into one uniform taste, which comes through as slightly sharper than the standard Pizza Hut mozzarella.

The texture of the cheese inside the pockets is nearly identical to the texture of the cheese in the main body of the pizza, though slightly more spongy. I was hoping that the crust surrounding the pockets would be crispier than the rest of the crust, but it was softer than expected, most likely moistened by the cheese that sat inside of the pockets.

The pizza, though slightly overcooked, was still pretty satisfying. I imagine it would be best eaten straight out of the oven, with the cheese inside of the pockets still slightly melted from the heat. As the pizza cools down, the cheese becomes more spongy and less appealing in general.

Overall, the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza was a pleasant deviation from the standard pizza offered by Pizza Hut, but I feel like the inclusion of the cheese pockets was not enough to warrant a repeat purchase of this pizza. Its flavor is not a significant improvement over the standard pizza’s flavor, and in my opinion, Stuffed Crust is a much better option for those pizza fans looking for that extra cheese kick. All things considered, I encourage any cheese-lovers out there to try the Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza while it lasts!

This review is dedicated to the victims of the Great Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza Massacre of 2013: Michael “Cheesy Crust” Robinson III, Edward “Big Eddie” McPizzaPants, and Sergeant Tony O’Sauce. Our love goes out to their friends and family.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Item: Pizza Hut Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza
Purchased Price: $12.99
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: An enjoyable pizza. Five cheese! Cheesy prongs.
Cons: Sagging slices. Five cheese flavors blend into single flavor. Unappetizing when cooled down. Cheesy massacres.

These Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders are so cute. Wook at how wittle they are. Who’s a wittle pizza? You’re a wittle pizza!

How wittle are each Pizza Slider?

The mini pizzas are 3.5 inches across and about a inch tall. To give you an idea of how big that is, a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza is six inches in diameter.

Oh, that’s not enough to satisfy your pizza-eating, number-crunching brain?

Well then, according to the Pizza Hut website, a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Personal Pan Pizza weighs 201 grams (or 7.1 ounces) and, according to my heavily used postal scale covered in a thin layer of white powder, one Pizza Hut Pizza Slider topped with cheese and pepperoni weighs 68 grams (or 2.4 ounces). As you can see, there’s a significant difference in size. However, the Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders are available with three or nine pieces. So, if I were to use the power of addition, it turns out three Pizza Sliders weigh 204 grams (7.2 ounces) or roughly the same as a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Personal Pan Pizza.

Math!

With the Pizza Sliders, you’re allowed up to three topping in three different topping combinations. Although, if you want to be complete asshat to a Pizza Hut employee, you can do so by ordering the nine-piece Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders and asking to have each one customized. I’m not an asshat so picked up the nine-piece Pizza Sliders and asked for three pizzas with pepperoni, three with sausage, and the last three with sausage, red onions, and tomatoes.

If you’re familiar with Pizza Hut pizza, then you’ll pretty much know what Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders taste like. The pepperoni and sausage ones I ordered tasted just like regular pepperoni and sausage pizzas from Pizza Hut. Although I thought the crust wasn’t as buttery and crispy as a Pizza Hut Pan Pizza’s crust. Also, each pizza didn’t have much sauce underneath the cheese. If I were to order this again, I’d spend the extra cash and get a dipping sauce to make them a little more exciting.

Overall, Pizza Hut’s Pizza Sliders are good, if you enjoy Pizza Hut pizza because they taste just like Pizza Hut pizza. However, because they taste just like Pizza Hut pizza, they aren’t very noteworthy.

(Nutrition Facts – It’s Pizza Hut pizza, so don’t imagine it’s healthy food.)

Other Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Pizza Hut Big Pizza Sliders
Purchased Price: $12.00 (for nine)*
Size: 9 Pizza Sliders
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Adorable. Tastes just like regular Pizza Hut pizza. Three Pizza Sliders are the same weight as a Personal Pan Pizza. Allows you to test different topping combinations. Math!
Cons: Crust less buttery and crispy than Pizza Hut Pan Pizzas. Not very innovative. Didn’t have much sauce under the cheese. Only allowed three different topping combinations. Asshats who ask to customize all nine Pizza Sliders.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I pay more for things. You’ll probably pay $10, like most of the country will.

When I saw the stuff in the Pizza Hut Overstuffed Pizza oozing out of the sides of each slice, I thought they were overstuffed. But when I stuffed the stuff back into a slice of the Overstuffed Pizza, I realized all the stuff equaled to the amount of stuff found on a regular Pizza Hut Pizza. Heck, I believe this entire paragraph is stuffed with more “stuff” and its derivatives than stuff stuffed into Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza.

The new pizza comes in two varieties — Italian Meat Trio and Supremo. I went with the Supremo because I thought it would be super cool to act like The Fonz by showing two thumbs up, nodding my head repeatedly, and saying, “Ay! Supremo” to my cashier after she thanked me for my business.

Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza is 14 inches in diameter and cut into six pieces. The Supremo Overstuffed Pizza is filled with cheese, sauce, Italian sausage, onions, bell peppers, and mushrooms. The top crust layer of the pizza I order was liberally sprinkled with shredded parmesan and an Italian seasoning blend. Wait. Did I say, “liberally sprinkled”? I meant to say, “It looked like a McCormick spice and herb factory blew up on top of it.”

As for the inside of the pizza, there’s so much cheese oozing all over the place that it looked as if a brawl broke out at a fondue party and the cheese fountain was knocked over. While there was a lot of cheese, there wasn’t a lot of sauce. I thought those holes on top were made to let the pizza vent while cooking, but, with this pizza’s lack of sauce, they might be the fang marks of drunk vampires who thought the red stuff in my pizza was blood.

But back to the top crust. It had a strong buttery and herby aroma, and a slight crispness which reminded me of the outer shell of Pretzel Bread Lean Pockets. Sadly, it was also crispier than the bottom crust and the edges which were doughy and chewy. Also, even with herb blast on top of the pizza, the crust didn’t have a strong flavor, making the Overstuffed Pizza taste not that much different than a regular Pizza Hut pizza.

After peeling back the top crust, it was hard to make out the onions, peppers, and mushrooms from each other because all three were mostly shriveled and darkened. Fortunately, their condition didn’t take away their flavor. The amount of Italian sausage was plentiful and they provided that familiar greasy, mild spicy goodness found on other Pizza Hut products.

Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza is not the worst pizza I’ve had, but I don’t taste a significant difference between it and Pizza Hut’s regular pan pizzas. In fact, I think the extra crust slightly dampens the flavors of the sausage, cheese, veggies, and sad amount of sauce. However, the extra crust does a great job at making me full. Just a slice of the Overstuffed Pizza was filling.

Maybe Pizza Hut’s Overstuffed Pizza didn’t get its name from the amount of ingredients stuffed inside of it. Maybe it got its name because eating more than one piece will make you feel overstuffed.

(Nutrition Facts* – 1 slice – 600 calories, 230 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, and 25 grams of protein.)

*via Brand Eating

Other Pizza Hut Overstuffed Pizza reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: Pizza Hut Supremo Overstuffed Pizza
Purchased Price: $16.99*
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes similar to a regular Pizza Hut pizza. Lots of cheese. Eating one slice is filling. Lots of sausage.
Cons: Tastes similar to a regular Pizza Hut pizza. Not at all overstuffed. Top crust looked like a McCormick herb factory blew up on it, but didn’t have a strong flavor. Bottom crust and edges were doughy. Not a lot of sauce. Veggies were shriveled beyond recognition. Fights at fondue parties.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I tend to pay more for stuff. You will probably be able to get it for much cheaper.

To be honest, I never thought Pizza Hut had the ingenuity to make a pizza using garlic bread.

I knew they had the gall to stick cheese and pepperoni in the crust and have enough chutzpah to do something absurd in the future, like top a pizza with their Meaty Marinara Tuscani Pasta and then stuff the crust with their Creamy Chicken Alfredo Tuscani Pasta. However, simply topping a slice of garlic bread with meat, cheese, and sauce was something I didn’t expect.

Up to five toppings can be added to Pizza Hut’s Garlic Bread Pizza, but since I lack the chutzpah that Pizza Hut has, I ordered mine with just pepperoni. A part of me regrets not spending the extra money for more toppings because it would’ve been funny to see how the five toppings would fit on the pieces of garlic bread that measure three inches long and four inches wide.

As you can see in the photo above, Pizza Hut was liberal with the pepperoni. Because each garlic bread slice was given four slices of sausage, it was easy for me to get a little bit of pepperoni in every bite. Unfortunately, Pizza Hut wasn’t as liberal with the cheese and sauce. Each garlic bread had a thin layer of mozzarella cheese and an even thinner layer of sauce. I read elsewhere the pizza comes with container of marinara sauce, but mine didn’t.

If you love garlic, so much so that your co-workers refer to the scent you’re wearing as eau de garlic, this pizza will probably not satisfy your cravings for your favorite aromatic seasoning. When I first opened the pizza box, I couldn’t detect any garlic aroma; it smelled like a normal pizza. Only when I brought a piece up to my nose could I notice the recognizable smell of garlic bread. The garlic flavor was noticeable, but not overpowering. I do wish it was a little stronger, though.

While examining the pizza, I didn’t see any bits of minced garlic, but I did notice butter, so I assumed Pizza Hut used a garlic butter to flavor the bread. However, that’s okay because I’m sure 2010 Paula Deen would totally approve of that. Although, maybe not because they didn’t use a Deenspoon of butter, which I believe is roughly a quart of melted butter. Because Pizza Hut used significantly less butter than a Deenspoon, the pizza was not very greasy.

The slices of toasted garlic bread were about an inch thick; had nice, soft innards; and a crispy crust. Some slices had herbs affixed to them, but they didn’t seem to add any flavor.

Despite wanting the garlic to be a little stronger and the lack of cheese and sauce, Pizza Hut’s Garlic Bread Pizza was one of the tastiest items I’ve had in a while from The Hut. Both issues I listed aren’t deal breakers. The garlic isn’t overwhelmed by any of the other ingredients and the pizza maybe light on cheese and sauce, but it’s not light on flavor.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website, but imagine something made with butter, cheese, and pepperoni can’t be very good for us.)

Item: Pizza Hut Garlic Bread Pizza
Purchased Price: $11.99*
Size: 9 pieces
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Damn tasty. Simple. Nothing is stuffed into the bread. Soft bread and crispy crust. Generous amounts of pepperoni. Not too greasy. Herbs sprinkled on bread make it look pretty.
Cons: Thin layer of cheese and an even thinner layer of sauce. Garlic and butter flavor might not be strong enough for some. Maybe not as filling as slices of pizza. Using a Deenspoon of butter on anything.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we tend to pay more for things, so you will most likely pay less than I did — probably $8.99.