Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps

/ / Reviews / 14 Comments

I’m calling the Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps the Pop-Tarts nano because they look like a skinnier and smaller version of an unfrosted Kellogg’s Pop-Tart, much like the iPod nano is a skinnier and smaller version of the iPod classic. Actually, the Newtons Fruit Crisps and the iPod nano are the same size at 3.5 inches long and 1.5 inches wide. However, unlike the iPod nano which comes in a pride flag of colors, the Newtons Fruit Crisps only come in two flavors: Mixed Berry and Apple Cinnamon.

Unlike Pop-Tarts, which need to be toasted in order to be crispy, these Fruit Crisps were crunchy crumbalistic right out of the box, although perhaps a little too crumbalistic, which makes using a plate necessary, unless you’re fond of creatures that enjoy eating stuff off of the floor, like cockroaches, rats and a drunk David Hasselhoff. The filling inside each crisp is made with real fruit in a puree form, but despite the use of real fruit, the flavors weren’t very strong in either of them. I don’t know if that was because of the somewhat low amount of sugar in each bar or because the outer shell has the ability to weaken taste, like kryptonite does to Superman or Sanrio products does to my machismo.

Both flavors were decent. The Apple Cinnamon one had a flavor similar to what I imagine a diet apple pie tastes like, while the mixed berry, which contained blueberry, raspberry, strawberry, and blackberry puree, tasted like a certain Pop-Tarts flavor that I couldn’t put my finger on, but will probably remember months from now when I’m in the shower and these Fruit Crisps are discontinued.

According to the box, each pack of the Newtons Fruit Crisps has 100 calories, which is the magic number many snack companies have been using to promote appropriate portion sizes and calorie control. It’s also a number I tend to ignore because as someone in peak physical shape and has a metabolism that would make an 18-year-old cry, I can burn 100 calories by brushing my teeth or typing one of the many run-on sentences I have a habit of creating.

Nah! Who am I kidding? The only thing I can do in my “peak physical shape” is change the channel and then take a nap. I wonder how many calories changing a channel takes?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – Apple Cinnamon – 100 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 20 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 15% calcium, and 4% iron. Mixed Berry – 100 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 20 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 15% calcium, and 4% iron.)

(Editor’s Note: The good folks at Snackerrific also reviewed the Newtons Fruit Crisps.)

Item: Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps
Price: $3.50 each
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent taste. Crunchy without the need for a toaster. 100 calories per pack. No trans or saturated fat. Made with real fruit, although in puree form. Watching David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger on the floor. My poor physical shape.
Cons: Small in size. Flavors seemed muted. Sanrio products. Need a plate to eat them. Eating an iPod nano. Watching David Hasselhoff eat a cheeseburger on the floor.

Nilla Cakesters

/ / Reviews / 16 Comments

With the introduction of Nilla Cakesters, the milking of the Cakesters brand has begun and we can officially start the countdown to Nutter Butter Cakesters, which is less exciting than a Space Shuttle countdown, but less creepy than a Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

It seemed like Nilla wafers were the bastard child in the Nabisco family and not loved at all, until these Nilla Cakesters were introduced. While Oreo and Nutter Butter have lickable cream centers and Oreos come in more variations than women at a quality Nevada whorehouse, Nilla wafers (or Illa Nilla, as the kids like to call them) have been just plain vanilla over the years: no limited edition variation, no chocolate version, and Santa Claus not only rejects them at Christmas, he drags out of bed the kids who left them there, burns their lump of coal in front of them, and then brands the kid’s arm with it.

The Nilla Cakesters remind me of Brooke Hogan because they both have bland looking round golden cakes, white filling, and the inability to spell the word “vanilla” correctly. They also look like the smaller, less-phallic cousin of Twinkies, and much like Twinkies, the Nilla Cakesters had a greasy taste and feel to it. Its greasiness surprised me, since the cake in the Nilla Cakesters was quite dry. A vanilla flavor was pretty much non-existent, unless the greasy flavor is some Nabisco Nutrition Nerd’s interpretation of vanilla, which if it is, that nerd needs to get back into the laboratory and create some better tasting and more realistic processed shit.

Until then, Nilla wafers will continue to be the Rodney Dangerfield of the Nabisco family.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 220 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% iron and 10.56 ounces of illa.)

Item: Nilla Cakesters
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Contains polyunsaturated fat and monounsaturated fat, which have health benefits. No trans fat. Nevada whorehouses. Oreos. The Space Shuttle. Weezer’s video for “Pork and Beans.”
Cons: Greasy flavor and feel. Cake was dry. High Fructose Corn Syrup. The chaos when Santa is given Nilla wafers. Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme

/ / Reviews / 49 Comments

All right, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme, let’s get you into these stirrups. Are you comfortable? Okay, we’re going to take this step by step. I’m now going to insert the speculum to separate your cookie.

Yes, “cookie” is an approved scientific term and we use it all the time at the OB/GYN conferences. Actually, I just gave a presentation at the American Academy of Obstetrics and Gynecology Conference titled, “Effects of Pregnancy on the Cookie — How Does It Crumble?”

Just to warn you, the speculum is going to be a little cold when I gently stick it in you. There we go. Are you doing okay? I’m going to open it up a bit. Is your va-jay-jay okay?

Yes, “va-jay-jay” is now an approved scientific term, thanks to Oprah and her powerful influence. If you look in any recent OB/GYN medical journal, like the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology or VAG: The Virgin Island’s Articles of Gynecology, you’ll see it is used quite a bit.

So let’s take a look in there, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. You’ve got a nice healthy pink going on. It reminds me of bubblegum. Have you had any pain or discomfort in the pelvic, vaginal or rectal areas? No? Good. Have you had any issues with your period? No? Great. Have you had any unusual discharges? No? Good.

Okay, now I’m going to put on some gloves, lube up a little bit, and feel around in there. I’m going to press on your stomach and let me know if anything feels painful, besides me putting two latex covered fingers up your taco.

Yes, “taco” is another approved scientific term. Actually, the American Association of OB/GYNs prefer the use of the term “pink taco.” Now I’m just going to stick this swab in you to get a sample. This will probably cause some discomfort. Are you doing okay? I got a good sample. Now I’m going to taste the sample. Don’t worry, it’s a new European technique that I learned at one of our overseas conferences.

Your sample is crunchy. Hmm…let me lick the center. The center of the sample tastes kind of like strawberry ice cream, like it should, since you are the Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. Your balanced combination of strawberry creme and chocolate cookie is pretty good. I think I’m going to need another sample from you to taste, which I apologize for since it will be a little uncomfortable with the swab.

If only you had some vanilla, then I think you would make a mean Neapolitan Oreo. You know what. I think another sample is necessary, because I need to dip it in milk. I apologize again for the discomfort.

Hmm…it’s decent with milk, but I prefer dipping regular Oreos in milk.

Well your va-jay-jay looks good, Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme. Do you have any questions for me? No? Well then, take care of yourself, avoid men who scratch their balls too much, keep your cooter away from schlongs it can’t handle, and I’ll see you in a few months.

Yes, “cooter” and “schlong” are now approved scientific terms.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbs, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, and 1 gram of Kelis jokes.)

(Editor’s Note: For more Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme reviews without va-jay-jay references, check out the review from Phoood, We Called It, and Oreo Opinion.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo Strawberry Milkshake Creme
Price: $3.89
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Creme center tastes kind of like strawberry ice cream. Kind of addicting, like regular Oreos. No trans fats. Mila Kunis.
Cons: Limited edition. Visits to the gynecologist. Not that great with milk, like regular Oreos are. Eating an entire tray of them in one sitting.

Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips

/ / Reviews / 25 Comments

Fruits can be fresh, frozen, canned, or dried, but thanks to the new Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips I can now eat fruits in a crunchy, processed chip form. If you combine the taste of bananas with the look, size, and crunch of Wheat Thins and the shape of Doritos you would have an idea of what Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are like, or you could look at the picture on the right.

According to the revised USDA food pyramid, I should be eating six ounces of grains, two and a half cups of vegetables, two cups of fruits, three cups of milk, and five and a half ounces of meat and beans every day, but who eats like that? Who eats two and a half cups of vegetables and two cups of fruit everyday?

Most likely, people healthier and skinnier than me.

I don’t even know what a cup of fruit looks like. I was going to educate myself and find out how many slices of bread I need to eat to reach six ounces of grains or how many bananas I need to eat to get two cups of fruits, but the McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal I ate made me sluggish and lazy.

It’s good to have another option when it comes to eating fruit because fruits are a pain in the ass, especially bananas. Fresh fruits, unlike Cher’s face, eventually wilt, rot, or spoil. Picking fresh fruit at the grocery store is also difficult since I get kicked out for smelling, fondling, or slapping fruit a little too much in order to know if they are ripe.

I know that honeydew melon enjoyed it.

I could make my own banana chips by buying some not quite ripe bananas from the grocery store, waiting for them to ripen, cutting them into slices, pulling out my Ronco Food Dehydrator, placing the banana slices on my Ronco Food Dehydrator racks, setting and forgetting my Ronco Food Dehydrator, letting the Ronco Food Dehydrator do its thing, and in a time 1,000 times longer than the time it takes me to walk to the nearest hippie natural foods store and buy banana chips, my homemade banana chips will be ready.

The Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips taste like the banana chips found in hippie natural foods stores, which I enjoy, and just like Lays Potato Chips, prescription painkillers, a roll of bubble wrap, or a room full of balloons with a needle in my hand, once I pop, I can’t stop.

Despite tasting good, I was disappointed that I couldn’t reach my daily recommended amount of fruit by eating only the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips, since a serving of about 16 chips only provides the equivalent of 1/4 cup of fruit.

If you’re too lazy to do the math from eating a McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal, I would have to eat 2/3 of the six-ounce bag in order to eat a cup of fruit or about 64 chips. I’m pretty sure eating a normal banana would be easier, if you eat them quick enough before they start rotting. Also, bananas are an excellent source of potassium and I was hoping that these chips be another good source, but each serving only has 160 milligrams, compared with a medium-sized banana, which has 400-500 milligrams.

Overall, the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are tasty and they’re healthier than other snacks out there, but aren’t as healthy as an actual banana. But if you’re tired of the rotting with fresh fruits; the opening of cans with canned fruits; the thawing of frozen fruits; or the hippie, treehugger images that goes with dried fruits, you may want to give these chips a try.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 ounce (about 16 chips) – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 160 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 0 grams of banana peel slipping.)

(Editor’s Note: Read more about the Garden Harvest Toasted Chips at the Junk Food Blog. Then go watch the second version of the Hot Dog Dance)

Item: Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips
Price: $3.99 (6-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like banana chips. Crunchy. Recloseable bag. Naturally flavored. Baked with 100% whole grain. Made with actual bananas. Decent alternative for fresh, frozen, canned, and dried fruits.
Cons: Only one-fourth a cup of fruit per one ounce serving. Not a lot of potassium with this banana product. Rotting fruit. The amount of time it takes to dry fruit in the Ronco Food Dehydrator. Getting kicked out of the grocery store for fondling melons. Bananas can be a pain in the ass.

100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!

/ / Reviews / 28 Comments

100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!

Hey! Whole Grain! Yeah, I’m talking to you!

You don’t think I notice you invading our breakfast cereals with your whole graininess? Turning our sacred sugary cereals into semi-healthy sunrise suppers. And now you’re slowly creeping into our snacks, like with these new 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!

It’s not just me who’s noticing your sneaky acts. Impulsive Buy reader Allison let me know about you putting yourself into WHITE BREAD. WTF!?! You’ve created wheat white bread. It’s like frickin’ Frankenbread.

Is nothing sacred to you?

It’s like you’re the male town slut and you’re just going around town, dropping your seed into as many things as possible, leaving behind a bunch of illegitimate children, who aren’t very bright, attractive, or tasty, and will probably end up in prison.

Sure, you made the Chips Ahoy! slightly healthier, but I don’t eat cookies for dietary fiber, I eat them because I need to indulge or need to forget the new Ashlee Simpson song or need something to throw when the video of the new Ashlee Simpson song is being played on TV.

Because of you, junk food will lose its luster and I will need a new vice for those times when I’m sitting in front of the TV and watching G-String Divas or Taxicab Confessions on HBO. Maybe I’ll resort to drugs or alcohol or licking envelopes.

If there’s nothing wrong with you dropping your seed into Chips Ahoy!, then why does it say on the packaging, “Real Chocolate Chip Cookies”? Why do I need to be convinced that they’re real chocolate chip cookies?

To be honest, the 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy! don’t look like chocolate chip cookies, they actually look like oatmeal raisin cookies. As for the taste, it’s okay, but regular Chips Ahoy! taste better. There’s also that whole grain texture. I think I actually felt whole grains in my mouth.

See, like I said, you’re producing children that aren’t attractive or tasty.

At least the cookies came in two individually wrapped packs, or as I like to call them, a double barrel of cookies. This made it easier to take cookies with me, just in case I need to feed a bum or Nicole Richie.

I don’t know what else you plan to put your whole grain member into, but let me tell you, if you drop your seed into an Oreo, I will find you and personally castrate you.

Item: 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!
Purchase Price: $4.00 (slightly on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: All right tasting. Baked with 100% whole grain. Two grams of dietary fiber. Individually wrapped barrels of cookies.
Cons: Not attractive, looks like oatmeal raisin cookies. Weird whole grain texture. Healthier than regular Chips Ahoy! Not a good snack to indulge with. Nicole Richie’s weight.

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