Something must’ve been floating in the air in 1912.

The Dixie cup was invented. The Girl Scouts were established. Frederick Law parachuted from the Statue of Liberty. And yet, even in the shadow of these noble, brazen, and/or semi-foolish ventures, Nabisco was able to hunker down and focus their energies on the subconscious needs of the people: cookie sandwiches.

Ever since then, the Oreo’s been dominating the sandwich cookie aisle like the reincarnation of Napoleon, and, by gum, Nabisco’s excited about it. So excited that they’ve taken their funfetti frosting celebration in the “original” Birthday Cake Oreo and extended it to its little brother: the golden cookie.

If you are new to planet Earth, welcome! This is an example of an Oreo, a dessert-like sandwich consisting of two wafer cookies dressed to the nines in sugar and smacked together with a sensible slab of frosting. In this case, it’s two “golden” (vanilla-flavored) cookies with a sprinkled white frosting.

Behold, the seal holding your golden gods, grasped in their file-cabinet-like tray.

Pre-opening, the package smells like package. Upon opening…

Holy Jupiter on a motorbike, the waft of Pillsbury cake mix eschewing from this bag could be condensed and sold as a car freshener. Gotta give it to them: they really nailed the aesthetics of boxed yellow cake mix and canned frosting. It smells a little like flour. A little like vanilla pudding. A little chemically. Mmmm. Smell the childhood…

Pre-tasting, I must say the aesthetics of this cookie broaden my horizons: the beige cookie makes me feel safe while the sprinkles in the frosting remind me that change is okay. It has the classic Oreo design, which, according to various internet musings, has Masonic-inspired meaning that could serve well in a Dan Brown novel. A hefty 1/3 of them is crème filling, which is a comfortable ratio. On my good days, I, too, am 1/3 crème filling.

The cookie tastes mainly of flour. There’s definitely a slight artificial hit of vanilla, something that hits between flowers, plastic, and kindergarten. Pleasant enough, but it didn’t quite live up to the smell. The crispity little speckles of multicolored sprinkles add a new textural crinkle and the frosting disc is sweet in that familiar, semi-threatening, “I’m gonna melt your molars! And your canines! And your other teeth!” kinda way, which adds a certain risk to the eating process, and what, oh daring venturer, is life without a little risk?

Very few foods have banked as much as Oreo on the specific techniques of consumption, which are varied as all the elephants on the Island of Misfit Toys. I go in the following order: eat top cookie, consume middle 1/3 of icing, break bottom cookie down the middle of “icing road,” smoosh bottom cookie icing remnants together (like a half sandwich cookie), eat Frankenstein half-cookie, consume beverage, repeat. As with the classic, the twist on these is, with the exception of one or two fuddle-duds, exceptional, each cookie leaving it’s own footprint behind for consumption. There’s a reason Oreo’s 100. This is one of them.

I suspect that, with each passing year we get one percent more awesome, which will make Oreo 101 percent awesome this March. I think this calls forth celebration. These may not be spectacular, but they are festive and ring in a small hoorah for the year passed. They remain true to the Oreo and, thus, the likelihood that they will suck is about as likely as being squashed by gigantic barrels of vinegar. It may not flip the sandwich cookie world on its head, but it’s pleasant with a glass of chocolate milk and there’s certainly nothing offensive about that.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, and less than one gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Birthday Cake Golden Oreo
Purchased Price: $3.25
Size: 15.25 oz. package
Purchased at: Harris Teeter
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crispity sprinkles. Good ratio of crème. Nice twist. Parachuting from the Statue of Liberty. Dixie Cups. Elephants on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Cons: Doesn’t live up to the smell. Cookies underwhelming. Perhaps too sweet. Being squashed by barrels of vinegar.

Only a few genes separate humans from apes. And only a few ingredients separate ginger snaps from gingerbread cookies. But those differences stop me from throwing my poop at others and prevent me from liking ginger snaps, but enjoying gingerbread cookies.

So if these Limited Edition Gingerbread Oreo cookies were Limited Edition Ginger Snap Oreo cookies, I wouldn’t be writing this review.

For those of you who’ve lived under a rock for the past year, 2012 was Oreo’s 100th birthday and Nabisco made it rain new limited edition Oreo flavors up in here.

Limited Edition Birthday Cake Oreo began the celebration. Then Limited Edition Ice Cream Oreo Rainbow Shure, Bert! were at Walmarts all across the nation. Limited Edition Candy Cane Oreo cookies were a Target exclusive. While Limited Edition Lemon Twist Oreo weren’t in national chains and proved to be elusive. Limited Edition Triple Double Chocolate Mint Oreo was by far the least exciting of the bunch. And now the year ends with Limited Edition Gingerbread Oreo cookies for us to munch.

Personally, I find it a bit weird Nabisco produced a cookie that tastes like another cookie. I also would’ve preferred an egg nog-flavored Oreo cookie instead. However, if next year Nabisco releases as many new limited edition flavors as they did this year, there’s a very good chance we’ll see Egg Nog Oreo cookies. Or they could be douchebags and just re-release all the limited edition flavors from this year.

Limited Edition Gingerbread Oreo cookies are made up of Golden Oreo cookies with an artificially flavored gingerbread creme, which comes in a color usually seen on pantyhose. After twisting off the top cookie and licking the soft pantyhose-colored creme, visions of limbless gingerbread men began dancing around my head because the creme tasted much like the arms and legs I violently ripped off their bodies with my teeth. In my visions, I could also see the pain they were in thanks to their sad faces drawn with frosting.

Then I imagined them shaking and thrusting their hips.

Damn you, Magic Mike!

While the creme itself was sweet and had a pleasant gingerbread flavor, the sandwich cookies are much better when eaten as sandwich cookies. The crunchy Golden Oreo cookies slightly diminish the gingerbread creme’s flavor, but the two complement each other very well, creating a delightful treat.

The Limited Edition Gingerbread Oreo cookies are almost good enough to make me forget about the Egg Nog Oreo cookies Nabisco didn’t make this year. But they are good enough to prevent me from harming gingerbread men…Until I run out of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Gingerbread Oreo
Purchased Price: $9.59*
Size: 15.25 ounces
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful gingerbread flavored creme. Crunchy Golden Oreo cookies complement the creme. Ripping off the limbs of gingerbread men. Gingerbread cookies.
Cons: A cookie that tastes like another cookie. Walmart exclusive. Might be hard to find. Ginger snaps. Having to spell creme instead of cream. Magic Mike ruining my violent gingerbread men visions. No egg nog Oreo this year.

*Since none of the stores near me carried it, I had to order it on eBay. If you can find them at Walmart, you will pay much less.

Halloween is coming, and I can already tell that for some of you, one of the most frightening events of this particular season is the recent release of a Candy Corn-flavored Oreo.

Now, I understand that to many, candy corn is unappetizing. These folks see it as striped candle wax melted down and shaped into chewy, inedible shapes suggesting the appearance rotten dog teeth, which is then given away in loads by lazy or otherwise uncaring households to trick-or-treaters who can only greet the sub-par candy gift with gritted teeth and a half-assed “Thank-you” mumbled through their Batman masks. Those people strongly believe that all candy corn tastes like sticky, flavorless plastic.

But it’s not true.

There is a difference in candy corn flavor from brand to brand, and unfortunately, many people have had the misfortune of tasting the cheap brands that do not use real honey in their confections. I get that some people just don’t have a sweet tooth or don’t care for excessive amounts of sugar, so they stay clear of candy corn. I’ve never had this problem. The sweeter, the better. As a result, I have had no fear of candy corn, and having tasted nearly every type of candy corn, I consider myself to be a candy corn connoisseur. (This is probably the most I’ve typed the words “candy corn” in one sitting. I deserve a medal … shaped like a piece of candy corn.)

I say all this to give you some perspective on my experience with the new Limited Edition Candy Corn Oreo cookies… and after sampling this new (very sweet) sandwich cookie, I’ve come away with one question. How on earth are these Candy Corn Oreos? Have the people at Nabisco never eaten a real piece of candy corn before? Before you even get the cookies out of the package, you can smell the very potent (yet admittedly pleasant) aroma of cupcakes. Candy corn does not smell like cake, so already, I’m wondering what these sandwich cookies are all about.

The Limited Edition Candy Corn Oreo is shaped just like a regular Oreo with a thin layer of sugary crème filling between two Golden Oreo wafers. The filling is dyed with one orange side and one yellow side to mimic the appearance of an actual piece of candy corn. They’re forgetting the white tips, but… whatever. This is the level of commitment we’re dealing with.

The cookie part of the sandwich does not balance out the extreme sweetness of this filling at all, and that’s probably because they’re Golden Oreos, which I think are sweeter than the original chocolate Oreo wafers. In fact, they amp up the sugariness to 1000.87 percent based on my Sugar-o-Meter readings. (Full disclosure: The Sugar-o-Meter is just a girl I know who bit into the cookie and said, “That’s really sugary.”) Candy Corn Oreos have the same satisfying crunch as regular Oreos, and you could probably dunk them in milk. However, I’m weird about milk the same way some of you are weird about candy corn, so I can’t give you any advice on dunking your Oreos without feeling nauseated. So let’s move on.

As I mentioned before, Limited Edition Candy Corn Oreo cookies smell like cupcakes, so it makes sense that the crème filling tastes like vanilla frosting. Seriously, that’s what these Oreos taste like to me – sugary Vanilla cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Don’t get me wrong… They’re yummy, and I didn’t dislike these Oreos at all. However, they are not Candy Corn-flavored. There wasn’t a note of honey or mellowcreme-style flavor. Nothing about these Oreos besides the color scheme evokes the experience of real candy corn. If Nabisco wanted to make a Vanilla Cupcake Oreo next, they could just change the food coloring of the crème and re-release these sandwich cookies.

So basically, I was looking forward to an Oreo that tasted like one of my favorite Halloween candies, and instead, I got a cake frosting-derived interpretation of one of the world’s most-loved and most-hated holiday confections, which totally missed the mark. These Limited Edition Candy Corn Oreos do not taste like candy corn at all. I’m putting that down as a “con,” but I bet many of you would count that as a “pro.”

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 0% vitamin A, 0% calcium, and 4% iron.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Candy Corn Oreo
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 10.5 ounces (297 g)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Filling tastes like vanilla buttercream frosting. Pleasant yet strong cupcake aroma. Real Candy Corn. Medals shaped like candy corn.
Cons: Candy Corn Oreos do not taste like candy corn. Rotten dog teeth. May be too sweet for some people to handle. The thought of milk being used for dunking.

Meet the cookie I am sure Guantanamo Bay serves to its residents.

Nabisco’s Coconut Delight Oreo Fudge Cremes.

They do have a coconut-ish flavor. They are delightful, if you enjoy getting punched in the stomach. They are not Oreos. They are indeed fudgy, if waxy chocolate is the definition for fudge. They are not creamy or creme-mey. I could leave it at that and you would know all there is to know about these cookies.

I’m not a cookie whore. When I want something sweet, it’s either chewy Starburst (I prefer the Sugus brand if you can find them in Asian markets) or vermouth. However, I do have a soft spot for sandwich cookies. If you place a Nutter Butter or a no-name lemon sandwich cookie in front of me, I’ll gobble them up shamelessly. I’ll even eat the Dolph Lundgren of Oreos, Hydrox.

When I first heard of these “delights,” I was expecting a normal Oreo cookie with coconut flavored cream in the middle, and then dipped in fudge. Like my parents, expectation leads to disappointment.

So what is this thing Nabisco is doing to an Oreo? The cookie is a single Oreo wafer with coconut cream layered on top and then dipped in chocolate “fudge.” It neither resembles nor performs like the beloved sandwich cookie.

It’s as if Outback Steakhouse came out with a new Aussie cheese fries and they were just stupid ‘ol potato chips with bacon bits sprinkled on top with Greek yogurt plopped thoughtlessly. Boooooo!

That’s not Aussie cheese fries and this is no friggin’ Oreo. I want to twist that cookie and selectively deconstruct it with my tongue as I eat each element separately. I want to dunk it in a cold glass of whole milk. I want to pretend that these things are poker chips as I stack them in edible columns. In short, I want an Oreo.

Not even on Earth-Three where the Justice League is villainous, Wonder Woman is even hotter and the Joker is a good guy, would anybody there consider this an Oreo. I was reluctant to write this review because I had to filter my strong dislike to write something coherent.

My first draft went something like this, “I fucking hate these fucking cookies that are not fucking good at fucking all because they fucking suck the fucking dog’s fucking tongue for fucks sake!”

Yeah, I agree with you… it’s a run on sentence.

Upon opening the cookies, you are slapped in the face with this fake buttery smell. It was a bit off-putting but my father-in-law and wife seemed not to mind. I shrugged and hesitated to eat one because of the strange smell.

The coconut creme was nutty and tasted artificial. Furthermore, the white stuff was similar to paste and a bit chalky. I couldn’t stomach the so-called chocolate fudge because it was very plastic and had an excessive fake buttery flavor. It’s akin to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter with its weird, not quite butter smell and flavor.

The sole saving grace was the cookie, which was crisp and deep with cocoa flavors.

I was hoping this Oreo would be close to a Mounds candy bar, but the cookie as a whole tasted like an overly-buttery, too-sweet, and nutty mess. I ate a few because I thought maybe the flavors would temper a bit. But nope.

Nabisco also succeeded in creating something with almost every unpleasant texture to mouths everywhere. In fact, if these were soggy, then this depressing cookie would be complete.

I champion Oreos and their foray into assorted flavors, but this specific variety I cannot. My father-in-law devoured them but the poor guy is totally restricted from all things sweet and fatty. Take that for what it’s worth.

I’m all for trying new twists on familiar subjects but more often than not, they fail miserably like the Americanized 1998 Godzilla (who was awesomely killed off in 2004’s Godzilla: Final Wars), but I’m also not for torturing my taste buds. Sorry Nabisco, but we’ll always have the Creamsicle Oreo.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies per serving – 180 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Coconut Delight Oreo Fudge Cremes
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 11.3 ounce package
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: The cookie is crisp and definitely chocolate flavored. Cookie whores. Coconut is nutty. Trying to come up with positive things to say about this Oreo variety. American Godzilla getting vaporized by the Godzilla we all know and love. Oreo taking chances on different flavors.
Cons: Waxy chocolate, pasty creme and fake buttery flavor. Trying to find something positive in something terrible. Being restricted from all things sweet and fatty. Earth-Three Lex Luthor sucks.