“NOOOOOOOOO!!!” was my initial reaction when my iPod stopped working.

The next thing that came to my mind was: How the hell was I going to drown out the world and the voices in my head without my iPod?

YOU WILL BUY CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL FOR MINORS!!!

I thought about alcohol, but that would get expensive if I’m drinking as often as I listen to my iPod. That would also eventually lead to Alcohol Anonymous meetings and a liver transplant.

I thought about sticking a finger in each ear and repeatedly chant “la, la, la, la,” but that would lead to a mental institution.

YOU WILL SILENTLY FART IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR AND BLAME SOMEONE ELSE!!!

Okay, before I could think about drowning out the world and the voices, I needed to get my iPod repaired.

Fortunately, requesting a repair is easy to do on the Apple website in the iPod support section (www.apple.com/support/ipod/). Just click on the request repair link and that will lead you to various online forms you need to fill out. After you fill out the forms, you’ll get an email saying a box will be shipped to you. The box, which comes with enough foam padding to possibly win any egg drop contest, arrived the next day.

YOU WILL GET TATTOOS ON YOUR ASS WITH “WIDE” ON ONE CHEEK AND “LOAD” ON THE OTHER!!!

So now that my iPod was on its way for repairs, I could concentrate on drowning out the world and the voices in my head. But what could I do?

NOTHING!!! YOU ARE MINE TO CONTROL!!!

CDs? Carry around four and a half inch disks that can hold around fifteen songs? I probably would have, but I didn’t own a CD player.

Or I could’ve listened to the radio with its commercials and obnoxious DJs. Ha! I spit in the face of radio! Ptwooie!

I couldn’t think of anything so I had to tolerate the world and do what the voices in my head told me to do.

YOU WILL GO ON THE GAME SHOW JEOPARDY AND ALWAYS GIVE THE ANSWER “WHAT IS POOP?”

Several times a day I was checking the iPod support site to see how the repairs were progressing. For a whole week nothing happened. Then finally on Wednesday, the iPod support site said another iPod was ordered for me and it was shipped the same day.

I thought I would get it the next day, but that didn’t happen because of the delivery guy. The problem with him, who has delivered stuff to me before, is that he knocks really softly. You would think having the ability to knock loud enough to get a person’s attention would be in the job description, along with able to lift heavy loads, knows roadways, good customer service, and have an excellent driving record.

YOU WILL OPEN A STARBUCKS!!!

So I didn’t hear him knock when he first attempted to deliver my iPod to me, the day after it shipped. Instead I was left with a note saying he will try to deliver it the next day.

The next day I waited for the delivery guy in the living room with the front door of my apartment open. He arrived at around 1:00pm and I had my iPod connected to my computer minutes later.

YOU WILL VOTE FOR GEORGE W. BUSH IN THE UPCOMING ELECTION!!!

It was pretty crazy without my iPod but everything in my world is now balanced again and the voices in my head stopped.

NO YOU CANNOT STOP ME!!! LISTEN TO ME!!! NOOOOO!!!

From this experience, I learned a valuable lesson.

I need a backup iPod.

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Item: Apple iPod Repair Service
Purchase Price: FREE (iPod was under one year warranty)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Overnight shipping. Got a new iPod. I can tune out the world.
Cons: Almost two weeks without my iPod.

While browsing though the DVD new releases section at my favorite national brick and mortar music and video store chain that has filed for bankruptcy due to online shopping and illegal downloading, I came upon several interesting titles.

For example, the Olsen twins’ “New York Minute,” which I would’ve gotten, but I’m not a teenage girl or a lonely, scary middle-aged man, who gets Victoria’s Secrets catalogs delivered to his mailbox under a female alias.

I also happen to come upon a DVD I was hoping they would put out someday, The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

Holy crap! All of my favorite Triumph moments are on this DVD.

Let me tell you, buying this DVD is a lot easier than trying to illegally download Triumph clips via Kazaa or Limewire. To download these clips is sooo slow sometimes and not every clip is available. Plus, the Hollywood Squares clip is kind of fuzzy, like someone recorded the clip on a television that gets its reception from a cheapo antenna.

Not like I do that kind of illegal downloading, Mr. Recording Industry Association of America and Ms. Motion Picture Association of America.

Um…like I said before, all my favorite Triumph moments are on this DVD.

From the classic Attack of the Nerds, where Triumph harasses the nerds waiting in line at the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones premier to his appearances on the previously mentioned Hollywood Squares to all his Westminster Dog Show segments to his trashing of Bon Jovi.

As with all DVDs there are some never-before-seen extras, like more footage on Triumph’s Attack of the Nerds. There can never be too much of harassing of nerds. If I have to go through the constant harassment, every nerd should go through it.

There’s approximately 150 minutes of laughter for you and many minutes of steamy dog-puppet-on-dog action your pooch might enjoy.

Item: The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD
Purchase Price: $14.99 (on sale)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Damn funny! All of Triumph’s classic comedy bits are on this DVD, which makes illegally downloading them unnecessary. Possible pooch porn.
Cons: Not everyone’s cup of tea, like my parents and your parents. Possible pooch porn.

Despite my English degree, which I got from an accredited four-year university located in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, my grammar sucks.

However, when people hear I have an English degree they automatically think I’m a grammar guru and spelling bee champion and they would journey from offices as far away as down the hall to get access to my supposedly vast knowledge of English grammar.

Unfortunately, I’m not a grammar guru or a spelling bee champion, but I feel it’s my obligation as a holder of an English degree to fake it. However, I don’t know if I can fake it much longer, because the questions they ask are getting harder.

So I decided to buy A Grammar Book For You And I…Oops, Me! by Edward Good from the number one online superstore, because it looked like a book that will help me gain vast amounts of English grammar in a portable package. Okay, a 430-page paperback book isn’t the most portable thing, but it sure beats the 921-page hardcover Chicago Manual of Style.

One of the things I like about A Grammar Book For You And I…Oops, Me! is that it’s a book that can be read from cover to cover or used as a reference book.

This is unlike the Chicago Manual of Style, which is definitely a reference book. Anyone who reads the Chicago Manual of Style from cover to cover has too much time on their hands, is a full blown grammar geek, needs to get a life, is not getting enough television, and will never get laid.

Grammar is not the most interesting subject to read about.

It’s definitely below Snaps books. (Yo mamma is so fat that when they gotta catch people out of a burning building the fire fighters grab her arms and legs and use her to catch them. Oh, snap!)

However, the author’s style of writing and his humor made it easier to go through each chapter filled with complex words, like transitive, predicate, conjugated, adverbial, interjections, participal, antecedents, and etc.

It took me six months to finish the book and I feel like I’ve learned a lot.

Actually, I read the first four chapters five months ago and then finished the book recently. I forgot what I learned in the first four chapters, which were kind of important to understand the rest of the book, but like knowing nouns, adjectives, and verbs are really important in grammar.

Like I said before, A Grammar Book For You An I…Oops, Me! is also a great reference book, so instead of rereading the whole book, I’ll just look through the table of contents to find what I’m looking for.

Just like in college, when I used Cliff Notes to study Shakespeare’s Hamlet, because I didn’t read an iota of it.

Item: A Grammar Book For You And I…Oops, Me!
Purchase Price: $17.95
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Author’s style and humor made it a fun read. Also makes a great reference book.
Cons: Would confuse a certain President of the United States because of the book’s use of three-syllable words.

Ever brush your teeth with your finger?

I have several times after waking up next to some girl I don’t even know and let me tell you, it really doesn’t work very well. You end up with toothpaste under your nail and you don’t get consistent toothpaste foaming. Sure I could use the girl’s toothbrush, but I don’t know where her mouth has been. Okay, I know where her mouth was several hours ago, but before that, I don’t know.

Thank oral hygiene for Oral-B Brush-Ups, which could eliminate those uncomfortable situations.

Oral-B calls their Brush-Ups “textured teeth wipes,” which are used to clean teeth and freshen breath. Don’t we have too many ways to freshen our breath? Let’s see, there’s gum, mints, and breath strips. Now we have teeth wipes. I think we’ve reached the point where we need another breath freshener, like we need another hole in our head or another Bush in office.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just pop a mint or chew some gum?

I guess it might be good for those people who brush their teeth at work and are afraid that co-workers might mess with their toothbrush in ways that I could only imagine in my demented, evil head.

So how to they work?

Each Brush-Up is individually wrapped and basically it’s a sleeve that you slide over your finger. The textured side has all the minty goodness, while the opposite side is where you slide your finger. I had some trouble getting it on my pointer finger, which isn’t very big. So if you’ve got big fingers, you might have trouble putting it on.

After sliding it on, I began to wipe my teeth, gums, and tongue, like they suggest on the package. While wiping my teeth, it brought back memories of all those nights with strange women I don’t even remember the names of. Well I’m sure they don’t remember mine, or they chose to forget.

When I was done, I just threw it away, like the phone numbers of those nameless women. Oral-B claims that a special moisture shield helps keep fingers dry, but my finger did get quite moist.

To be honest, the Brush-Ups made my mouth feel like they’ve been sort of brushed. I have a minty taste in my mouth, but I think if you wanted to freshen your breath, some gum, a mint, or a breath strip will do a much better job.

I wouldn’t recommend the Oral-B Brush-Ups to be a replacement for regular brushing. However, they do come in handy in certain situation, like waking up in the apartment of some girl I met less than eight hours ago.

Item: Oral-B Brush-Ups
Purchase Price: $3.49 (12 pack)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Clever idea. Perfect for those times when you wake up at some strange girl’s place.
Cons: If you want to freshen your breath it’s easier to chew gum or pop a mint or breath strip in your mouth. If you have big fingers, you’re going to have a big problem getting a Brush-Ups on.

Here at The Impulsive Buy Laboratories we do experiments, because the law says that if you have a laboratory, you must do experiments. Some of our experiments have included eating Pop Rocks while drinking a cola; pouring chocolate syrup into our mouths followed by milk and shaking our heads violently to see if they mix; sticking a whole pack of breath strips in our mouths; and opening a bag of chips and seeing if anyone could really eat just one.

This time we decided to see if we could overcome the problem you have when you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth. For those who haven’t done this, when you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth it tastes very bitter, instead of the usual sweet, sweet, delicious, refreshing taste of the citrus sinensis.

In order to overcome this problem, we decided to orangify my oral hygiene. (Yeah, we made up the word orangify. What about it? Scientists make up words all the time. Like pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a “real” word.)

To do this we needed to look for the leftovers of the delicious Listerine Natural Citrus mouthwash, which we drank…Um…Reviewed a few weeks ago. Then we had to buy the new Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste. Finally, we needed orange juice. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any in the laboratory’s fridge, so we needed someone to go to the convenience store down the street, which wasn’t as simple as it sounded.

No one in the laboratory likes going to the convenience store because of the persistent panhandlers that wait outside under the trees. Some of us believe they can smell loose change coming from a mile away, which is surprising since their rancid body odor is probably ten times more powerful.

After pulling numbers out of a hat, I was the “lucky” loser. Dammit!!!

I walked to the store, got asked by the panhandlers if I had loose change, told them no, walked into the store, purchased the orange juice, walked out of the store, got asked again by the panhandlers if I had loose change, told them no again, got asked by the panhandlers what was causing the jingling in my pocket, told them it was my keys, got told by the panhandlers that they didn’t believe me, I let out a sigh, gave them 35 cents, walked away from panhandlers, heard the words “cheap bastard” as I walked away, and walked back to The Impulsive Buy Laboratories.

With everything ready, it was time to begin the experiment. First, we poured some of the Natural Citrus Listerine in my mouth. I rinsed for the recommended 30 seconds, gargled for 10 more seconds, and then spit. (Yes, we are still wondering why my spit is clear instead of orange like the Natural Citrus Listerine.)

Second, I brushed my mouth with the Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste with a brand spanking new toothbrush. Like any good scientist knows, clean instruments will give more accurate results.

The Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste is a beautiful orange color with little sparkly things throughout. I swear it tastes like a certain candy, but I can’t put my finger on it. Well if tastes like candy, it has to be good.

The brushing lasted for 3 minutes and I did brush my tongue like the American Dental Association recommends.

Now that my mouth felt like a citrus fiesta, it was time to drink some orange juice.

After everyone placed their bets on whether the orange juice would taste bitter or normal, I drank the orange juice.

So what were the results of this experiment? (1) I will never gamble again. (2) Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste is really tasty. (3) Orange juice and toothpaste will never go well together.

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Item: Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze Toothpaste
Purchase Price: $3.29 (6 oz.)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Pretty orange color with shiny stuff. Tastes like candy.
Cons: Orange juice makes a bad tooth brushing chaser. Pricey for a small tube.