Sorry there wasn’t a review yesterday.

I thought it was going to be easy getting over the bright lights, booze, buffets, brisk weather, booze, Blue Man Group, boobs, and booze of Las Vegas. It took a day to recover, but now I’m back to normal.

Anyway, every year my hair stylist gives me a gift for Christmas, which consists of hair products. Last Christmas, she gave me KMS Hair Gel. However, I didn’t have a chance to use it, since at about the same time I found the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER!

Recently, I ran out of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER, so I was forced to use the KMS Hair Gel.

After a few days of using it, I found that the KMS Hair Gel broke my Three Laws of Hair Gel: (1) Must smell good. (2) Stiffness must last significantly longer than Levitra. (3) Must not flake and make it appear like I have REALLY bad dandruff.

The GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER met all of these qualifications with flying colors, but unfortunately the KMS Hair Gel failed badly at all three. First, it had this weird chemical smell. Second, the stiffness disappeared quickly, just like when I got caught masturbating by my mom. Finally, it made my hair look like I took a walk while it was snowing. Unfortunately, here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean it doesn’t snow, so no one will think it’s snow.

So after a few days of limp, chemical-smelling hair with white flakes, I frantically headed over to my hair stylist like I was a crackhead or a Walmart shopper waiting to buy a $30 DVD player. I bought more of the GREATEST HAIR GEL EVER and promised it that I would never stray again.

Now before I found out how crappy the KMS Hair Gel was, I wanted to give my hair stylist something in return for the gift she gave me. I thought about a few things I could give her, but I felt those things weren’t appropriate, since they were in my wet dreams. Also, I wasn’t going to spend money, because as many of you know, I’m a cheap bastard.

So I decided to write and perform a song for her, which I called, “The Sexiest Man Alive.”

(Note: I REALLY suck at playing the guitar and I REALLY have a horrible singing voice.)

The Sexiest Man Alive

Can I get a Mohawk, just like Mr. T?
I’ll use 1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T.
I’ll buy some gold chains and pity the fool.
I can help people save a buck or two.

You could shave off all my hair, just like that.
I would look like Homer Simpson or Kojak.
I think I’d look rugged and I’d look mean,
But my head would burn without sunscreen

My hair is yours to do what you like.
My hair maybe a mess, but do what you can.
Don’t butcher it like I’m at Fantastic Sams.
Trim the top and cut short the sides.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

I wanna look like MC Hammer in 1990?
Shave in some lines and words and make it shiny.
I’ll sing “Can’t Touch This” and learn to dance.
And I’ll even buy some baggy sequence pants.

I think I’d like a bowl haircut instead.
Is there a bowl big enough to fit on my head?
Just put the bowl on and I’ll have it made.
It’s the same haircut I had in the second grade.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
If I wanted dreadlocks, you won’t make a fuss.
You’re a billion times better than Supercuts.
Turn my hair blond or make it dyed.
Just make me the sexiest man alive.

Would you give me a perm if I asked?
I’ve never had to wear a shower cap.
Wonder what it’s like to have some curls?
I think I would probably look like a little girl.

Braiding my hair into cornrolls, is that okay?
I wanna look like I play in the NBA.
It takes a lot of time, but could you do it please.
I know it won’t look right because I’m Japanese.

My hair is yours to do what you like.
No Flowbee could do what you can.
Like prevent me from looking stupid cutting my hair with a vacuum in my hand.
Put some hair gel on and after it’s dried.
Just maybe I’ll be the sexiest man alive.

Item: KMS Hair Stay Styling Gel
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: It was free.
Cons: Hold doesn’t last. Flakes easily. Chemical smell. WORST HAIR GEL EVER!!!

(Editor’s Note: We decided to start a new feature here at The Impulsive Buy that we’re calling Guest Reviews, where we have other bloggers write reviews, because sometimes we’re REALLY lazy to do our own. We’ll try to do this once a month, so if you’re interested in writing a review send us an email. Anyway, today’s guest review is by Ian MacAllen, who is the author of the blogs Avacado Green, Imperfect Now, and probably a few others that we don’t know about. Enjoy.)

I was told two weeks ago that I was in charge of producing some protest rally signs. This seemed pretty standard, especially since I’m officially “Art Director” [I play with Photoshop].

I headed off to Staples in search of supplies. Now I thought all permanent markers are the same; I was really wrong. There was an entire aisle dedicated to markers!

I do like having lots of choices, but sometimes it can be overwhelming, like when there are glitter pens. I love glitter pens. [Ok, I know what you are thinking: Glitter Pens, New Jersey has a Gay Governor, I work in politics…but no, I’m just really into art supplies].

Anyway, on any normal day I might have just settled for a Sharpie. But then I saw the Bic Grip 4×4. All I could think was: “Wow, that looks really, really powerful, like a Hummer.” That and they were cheap.

I got a pack of four: black, red, blue, and green.

Once I got back to the office I was ready to do my thing making protest posters. I grabbed my Bic Grip and went to it. The only problem is, poster board and Bic Grip pens absolutely do not get along. Despite its impressive size, the marker itself only left a faded line on the poster board.

At first I thought its unimpressive performance was because I was trying to write on the shiny side. So I flipped it around and started going at it on the dull side of the poster board. But even on the dull side of the poster board, the Bic Grip just didn’t get the job done.

Thank George Washington I had some old Sharpie’s laying around, otherwise our protest rally would have been pretty pathetic [well, actually it was pretty pathetic, but at least the posters were really good].

The Bic Grip seems to work fine on standard white copy paper, except of course like all permanent markers, it bleeds through paper that thin. Because I don’t think permanent markers are useful on copy paper and since they don’t like poster board, the Bic Grips have no purpose other than to frustrate protestors.

What I did find when trying to write with the Bic Grip is that the rubberized grip was pretty cool to play with, but otherwise I don’t think it really helped me hold the marker. Now I’m not like circus folk, I don’t have small hands, but the grip was really big. It made it a little awkward to hold, even for permanent markers.

The Bic Grip also promised a triple-sided head for different width lines. Even if the markers had worked well on poster board, I don’t think the varying size tips would have improved it. After ten minutes of trying to use enough ink to make a solid line, the tip became pretty flat anyway.

The Bic Grip Permanent Marker is like any other Bic product; I wouldn’t rely on it for any reason. The best thing we can say about these markers is it kept us under budget.

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Item: Bic Grip 4×4 Permanent Marker
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cheap. Came with 4 colors. Doesn’t smell as bad as some permanent markers. Rubberized grip.
Cons: Doesn’t write well on poster board. Really big in your hand. Too phallic.

My first real experience with elections began in the fifth grade when I ran for class treasurer.

I felt I was the most qualified for the position, because I had always gotten really good grades in math. My opponent, on the other hand, didn’t have any qualifications, unless you count looks and popularity.

Class elections are somewhat like political elections. For example, there’s an extremely nauseating amount of campaign advertisements. Except instead of television ads, banners, and bumper stickers, the walls of our school were covered in crappy posters made out of construction paper and colored felt-tip pens.

We even had a “debate,” which really wasn’t a debate. It was basically a two-minute statement about why we would make a good treasurer, which no one really paid attention to.

On election day, I felt confident about my chances. However, despite the crappy posters, the flyers I passed out during recesses, and my two-minute statement about why I would make a good treasurer, I lost by a landslide.

My opponent won so easily that it was like he didn’t have an opponent at all.

After years of following political campaigns, I now realize where I messed up. Instead of focusing on why I would’ve made a good treasurer, I should’ve focused on why my opponent would’ve made a bad one.

I should’ve pointed out that my opponent didn’t pay attention in class, didn’t do his homework, got into fights, made out with his girlfriend behind one of the classrooms, and got D’s math.

Why didn’t Ms. Zimmermann, my fifth grade teacher, teach this in social studies? Why didn’t I learn the best way to beat an opponent is to point out their flaws? I might’ve won if I had bashed my opponent’s character.

Damn you, Ms. Zimmermann! Damn you!

So what’s the whole point of this story?

No point. It’s just that the pain from that ass-whooping still hurts.

Anyway, if you’re registered to vote in the United States, please read up on each candidate and find out what they believe in. Don’t listen to polls, celebrities, spin-doctors, or political pundits.

Enny, meenie, minny, moe, catch a tiger by its toe, works for dodgeball, but it doesn’t work for elections. Make YOUR OWN educated decision and vote tomorrow.

Also, if any of you vote for ANY of the write-in presidential candidates, please don’t EVER talk to me again.

To those who are too young to vote, I want you to remember that voting is cool. Just think of political campaigns as one long episode of American Idol. For example, think of Ralph Nader as the William Hung of the presidential election. He has no chance in hell of winning, but yet many love him for some strange reason.

Oh wait. One more thing…

I’m Marvo and I approved this message.

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Item: Voting
Purchase Price: Free (Must fill out easy application)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: You get to participate in democracy. Have your voice heard, which gets lost with the millions of other voters, spin-doctors, and political pundits. You won’t die.
Cons: Waiting in line is a possibility, unless you do absentee voting. May lead to Supreme Court decision and delayed results.

I’M PISSED OFF!!!

Who the hell are you “texas holdem” and “your lazy ass” and why are you two sending me comment spam that makes absolutely no sense?

“I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,” says texas holdem. Well you know what, I appreciate that you will die for my right to say whatever I want, so to show my appreciation I want to tell you that you’re a big fat ass.

Also, what’s up with your name “texas holdem?” Let me guess, your tiny brain came up with that name while watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN. You unoriginal bastard!

Okay, calm down. Think of your happy place.

Just do my review on The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by Dr. David Niven, so I can get happy and not remain SO F#@KIN’ PISSED OFF!!!

Simple secret #90: Surround yourself with pleasant aromas.

Okay, I’ve plugged in an air freshener. Aaaah, the smell of berry, it’s such a pleasant smell.

“There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.” WTF, texas holdem! Have you been watching too much Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network?

Calm down. SON OF A BIT…Calm down.

Simple secret #82: Don’t dwell on unwinnable conflicts.

Okay, I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him. I can’t beat him.

But I can imagine giving him a beat down! You’re lucky my pillow isn’t you, because I’ve opened a can of whoop-ass on it!

Be calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Simple secret #42: Try to think less about the people and things that bother you.

Okay, I’m clearing texas holdem from my mind.

“3104 please visit us to get your dick up or you can also get a mack over at our beauty site. or clcik this link if you are fat or wnt to seend a card.” What the hell is this, your lazy ass?

If you’re gonna send me comment spam, the least you can do is spell check the crap. Texas holdem spell checks whatever he spews, why can’t you?

Relax. Calm down. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

Simple secret #96: Say “So What.”

So what if I’m getting comment spam from two punk asses, I’ll just keep deleting their comments and add another Word Press plug-in.

“Proper names are rigid designators.” You know what, texas holdem, I think you’re right about this one, you F#$KIN’ S@%TFACED B#@CH-ASS TURD. (Okay, I could’ve spelled it out, but eh…this is a family blog.)

You like that name? It’s not proper. It’s not rigid. I think it’s perfect for you.

Aaaah, I feel much happier now.

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Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $9.56 (Amazon.com)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. I feel much better and happier. Inexpensive book.
Cons: Comment spam sucks.

About three hours ago, I purchased the new U2 single “Vertigo.” Actually, it’s not really that new, since it was released a month ago on the iTunes Music Store.

When I first heard of the new U2 song, I was looking forward to listening to it, since I’m a semi-U2 fan. However, after listening to the 30-second preview of the song the day it was released, I didn’t feel compelled to purchase it, even though I knew I could afford the 99-cent price tag with the money I had in my coffee mug of loose change that says, “Caffeine is my friend. SO LEAVE ME THE F#@K ALONE!”

“Vertigo” wasn’t the best U2 song I ever heard, but it also wasn’t the worst, which I think is “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).”

After a couple of weeks, I totally forgot about the song.

However, the world suddenly made sure that I would have that song tattooed on my brain.

First, they started playing the song on the radio, which I listen to while taking a shower. I swear it seemed like every time I was in the shower the radio station played “Vertigo.”

Then the iPod commercial featuring the song started playing during all the shows I was watching like South Park, the Daily Show, and the baseball playoffs.

(Okay, I was going to go on a tangent about the Boston Red Sox finally winning another World Series after 86 years and how I was balling like a little wuss because I was happy that they won, but I’ll let the thousands of blogs belonging to other Red Sox fans do that.)

I knew the song was slowly getting to me, because I was lip-syncing the words, like I was Ashlee Simpson. I wanted to get sick of the song, but it wasn’t happening because I was listening to the song on someone else’s terms.

So I decided, if I wanna get sick of this song, I’m gonna have to get sick of it on MY terms.

So I purchased the song and within the past three hours I’ve listened to the song 56 times straight, but I don’t think I’m sick of it.

Actually, I’m beginning to like the song. Not only am I lip-syncing during the song, I’m also playing air guitar.

DAMMIT!!! That wasn’t my intention!!! I was supposed to get sick of the song!!! Damn catchy hook!!!

Maybe another 56 straight times will do it.

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Item: U2 – Vertigo Single
Purchase Price: $0.99 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Somewhat catchy. 99 cents. Better Ashlee Simpson joke in today’s review.
Cons: By far, not the best U2 song. I’m not sick of it yet.