Editor’s Note: Sorry for the late review today. The Impulsive Buy had to do some extra testing with today’s product to see if they would make great ghost costumes for kids. Long story short, they definitely do not, especially if the drawstrings are pulled.

The Impulsive Buy’s goal is to be just like the 800-pound gorilla of the product review world, Consumer Reports.

However, it’s hard to be like them when we aren’t very thorough with our reviews, some of the reviews contain sexual situations, we don’t have good grammar, and we like to excessively use the word “BOOBIES.”

Heck, we aren’t even as good as those compulsive reviewers at Amazon and Epinions, who have written reviews for hundreds of products.

Actually, to be honest, we really don’t want to be like Consumer Reports. I know we just said we wanted to be just like them, but all we want is their kick-ass multi-million dollar testing facility.

They have goggle-wearing scientists, state-of-the-art machines, and a frickin’ car testing track. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the white lab coats, beakers, and test tubes.

Here at the Impulsive Buy we have ONLY ONE lab coat that I stole when I was taking Chemistry 151 Lab.

But alas, the Impulsive Buy doesn’t have a kick-ass multi-million dollar testing facility, so we have to be creative when testing products.

For example, take today’s product, Glad ForceFlex Kitchen Trash Bags. I’m sure in the Consumer Reports kick-ass testing facility they have scientists who use state-of-the-art stretching machinery that can exactly determine how much the Glad ForceFlex can stretch.

Here at the Impulsive Buy, we have bupkis. So because we don’t have a computerized stretching machine, I decided to test the Glad ForceFlex using the demanding test of trash bag races. You know, like potato sack races except with trash bags.

I didn’t think conducting a trash bag race would’ve given us an accurate measure of how stretchable the Glad ForceFlex is, but it sounded more fun than some expensive machine.

So to accomplish this, I called up some friends who I thought might be interested in helping me for the greater good of consumers.

Unfortunately when I called them, all I heard was, “No way,” “That’s so lame,” “Um, no,” and “You know the restraining order prevents you from calling me.”

Since no one wanted to participate in the Glad ForceFlex trash bag races, I had to do it on my own, just like my sex life.

What makes the Glad ForceFlex so special is the unique diamond texture that stretches around objects to help prevent rips and tears. That diamond texture sure did stretch around my feet as I placed them into one of the ForceFlex bags.

So after stepping inside one of the bags, I hopping around the Impulsive Buy like a rabbit on crack for several minutes. Despite my constant hopping, the ForceFlex bag didn’t tear. But my constant hopping did cause me to become very winded, very quickly.

So what did I learn from my experiment? I learned that these Glad ForceFlex bags are very durable and that I’m out of shape.

Item: Glad ForceFlex Kitchen Trash Bags
Purchase Price: $5.99
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Drawstrings. Durable. Stretchable.
Cons: No ForceFlex trash bag relay races. I’m out of shape. Makes bad ghost costumes for kids.

Do you know a relative, friend, co-worker, or mistress who’s a little too obsessive compulsive? Sure, we all know one.

They wash their hands over 30 times a day; have a Costco-sized bottle of waterless hand sanitizer on their desk; opens public restroom doors with a paper towel; puts enough layers of sanitary covers on a toilet seat that it provides a slight cushion; or uses Lysol on EVERYTHING.

Well if you have yet to get that person a Christmas gift, what better gift to give them than the gift of cleanliness.

Might I suggest the Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash.

Editor’s Note, Part Two: Um…For you smokers of the ganja, there is no correlation between the name Method and the fact that the color of this hand wash is green. Method products come in a wide range of colors.

I’ve been a really big fan of Method products for a while, although to be honest I’ve never used any of their products until now.

The reason why I didn’t try any was because I couldn’t get my dirty hands on Method products here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (We so desperately need a Target). However, Impulsive Buy groupie Akiko gave me some.

Editor’s Note, Part Three: Um…When I say, “she gave me some,” I meant she gave me a bottle of Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash. Just thought I’d clear that up, since she is an Impulsive Buy groupie.

I think I became a fan of Method products after reading an article about them in one of the Business 2.0 issues I stole from my doctor’s office.

I’m a fan because their products come in nice curvy bottles and I’m sucker for things that have curves, like Catherine Zeta Jones and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Another reason is because their products are biodegradable, non-toxic, naturally derived, and aren’t tested on animals, which satisfies my tree-hugging side. Finally, I like the company because its name starts with the letter “M.”

As for the Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash, besides being green in color and environmentally-friendly, it smells really good.

So what does green tea combined with aloe smell like? It smells clean. It’s not fruity, flowery, or girly. It just smells clean.

Just the way obsessive-compulsive people like to smell.

If you think about it, our obsessive-compulsive friends maybe on to something with all of this cleanliness. Think about all the things that get touched a lot on a daily basis by people. You don’t know what kind of people they are or where these people have been.

Imagine all the germs on these things, like doorknobs, money, elevator buttons, handrails, and Paris Hilton.

Item: Method Green Tea + Aloe Hand Wash
Purchase Price: FREE (retail price $4.00)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Clean scent. Environmentally friendly. Nice curvy bottle. Oh yeah, let me feel those curves on that bottle. Oh yeah, let me feel those curves on the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Teehehehehe.
Cons: Kind of pricey for hand soap. Can’t get it here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Oh if only my 900 Mhz cordless phone could talk, imagine the stories it could tell.

All the telemarketers trying to sign me up for credit cards, companies asking me to take a survey that they say ONLY takes 15 minutes (but takes 45 minutes), arguments with my parents about getting a job, 1-900 numbers I found on various restroom walls, and the wrong numbers I got from the girls I’ve met at bars, nightclubs, and bookstores.

Unfortunately, that phone died the other week, after five long years. I think it was it’s time to go, but I also think it was probably tired of hearing me utter the words, “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

So I needed a new phone, but I didn’t want something fancy (i.e. expensive). I just needed a cordless phone that can handle the rigors of excessive $3.50-for-the-first-minute-and-$1.50-for-each-additional-minute phone calls.

To find that phone I went to everyone’s favorite small-business-destroying everyday-low-prices behemoth (shudder) and came out with the V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology, which has to be the most unappealing name for a product ever.

Okay, not as unappealing as Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit (Now With 25% More Skank).

So what’s so special about a 5.8 Ghz phone? I could go into detail using whatever words “smart science people” use, but I’d be boring you with big words like “spectrum,” “frequency,” and “wavelength.”

Instead, I’m just going to say that the “smart science people” state that 5.8 Ghz phone technology will increase sound quality, enhanced range, and heightened security.

One of the best things about the V-Tech phone is the speakerphone on the handset. It comes in pretty handy when you REALLY don’t want to listen to someone talk.

Just place the handset on the table and let them ramble about how their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks, how crazy the shopping malls are, how they’re addicted to every CSI show, and how Scott Peterson should be put in the electric chair, while being given a lethal injection in a gas chamber with flesh-eating beetles.

While they jibber jabber, do whatever you want (eat, watch television, read blogs, or play with your Anna Nicole Smith’s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit), but just remember to say every so often any of the following phrases. “Yes.” “Uh huh.” “Okay.” “That’s funny.” “Say what?” “No way.” “That bitch.” “What are you wearing, baby doll?”

Despite other great things about the phone, like the LCD screen and the buttons that light up, there were a few things that bothered me about it. For starters, the battery gets really warm while charging. Also, the sound quality isn’t that great because those who I talked to say I sound like I’m in a hallway.

Plus, there’s no speed dial. Instead there’s a phone book feature that allows you to scroll through the various numbers saved on the phone. This has been proven to be a pain when quickly scrolling through the phone book and accidentally dialing 1-900-BIG-BLND, when I really wanted 1-900-BIG-BRUN.

There’s a big difference, you know.

Item: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology
Purchase Price: $53.72 (Everyday Low Price)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Speakerphone on handset. LCD screen. Buttons that light up.
Cons: Battery gets warm when charging. When talking, it sounds like I’m in a hallway. No speed dial.

You would think if they called something a sock, you’d be able to wear it on your feet, but this was not the case with Apple iPod Socks, unless you’re a baby or a midget.

I wanted to put one on a baby’s foot, but I couldn’t get my hands on a baby.

Let me tell you, it’s hard to find at the last minute a baby to use as a test subject. Even with $50,000 through the Black Market, our sources said it would’ve taken at least a couple of days.

The iPod Socks come in a six-pack, with each box containing a gray, pink, blue, green, purple, and orange two-toned sock. They are supposed to be used as cases for the popular iPod.

Being a manly man, I will not be caught using the pink iPod Sock. I don’t care if pink is the new black. I had a horrible experience with wearing the color pink.

The last time I wore pink was to a junior prom. My date wore a pink and white dress and wanted to match, so she suggested made me wear a white tuxedo with a pink tie and cummerbund. I can’t believe I did that just so I could go to the junior prom as a sophomore.

When we went to the prom, it turned out that I was the ONLY guy in a white tuxedo. The only way I could’ve stood out more was if I wore a pink and white top hat with a neon sign that said, “Look at me! I’M LAME.”

The iPod Sock fits nicely over my third generation iPod, which will keep it nice and warm during these cold winter months. However, when I’m using an iPod Sock I don’t have access to the controls, which is a problem when I desperately don’t want to listen to my ex-girlfriend’s Backstreet Boys and New Age music that I’m too lazy to remove from my iTunes library.

Despite making wonderful iPod warmers, the iPod Socks are one-dimensional. I can’t use them as actual socks on my feet, but I did try them on other body parts to see if they would fit and be able to keep those body parts warm.

Ears…Yup.

Nose…Nope.

Fingers…Four of them.

Tongue…Yes.

Um…Heh, heh…Need a MUCH bigger sock for that.

Okay, not really.

Item: Apple iPod Socks
Purchase Price: $29.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Six colorful socks. Fits any iPod. Keeps iPod warm.
Cons: Very pricey. Can’t use on my feet. No access to iPod controls.

There has been a lot of talk about the recently released final version of the web browser Firefox 1.0.

Much of the talk has been about how it compares to Microsoft Internet Explorer (IE), how it’s safer, how it’s faster, blah, blah, blah. Here at the Impulsive Buy, we decided to review Firefox in a way that’s really helpful for some of you. We decided to review Firefox in relation to viewing corn.

That’s right, you heard us and we’re not ashamed to admit it. We like to view corn on our computers.

Whether it’s white corn, or black corn, or any other kind of corn, we really like corn. Because there is so much corn out there to view, we needed a browser that makes it easier to look at corn. We think we’ve found it in Firefox 1.0.

The biggest thing that really helped with our excessive corn viewing was tabbed browsing, which allows us to open many corn sites with one window. There’s also a feature that allows us to open a group of bookmarks at the same time in separate tabs, which is great when we want to open all of our asian corn sites at the same time.

IE doesn’t have tabs and because it doesn’t have tabs we were getting caught viewing corn. With IE, we had to open each corn site in a separate window and when we heard someone coming we had to scramble to hide all the windows, which is a very time consuming process. Now with tabs, all we have to hide is one window.

Brilliant!

We think the developers of Firefox had corn viewers in mind when they came up with tabbed browsing.

Another important feature is the pop-up blocker. When viewing the many corn sites there are tons of pop-up windows, which mostly ask us if we want more hot corn. These pop-ups drive us insane, but with Firefox we can stop pop-ups with a click of a button.

The last feature we will talk about are the extensions you can install for Firefox. Our favorite is a music controller, because we can listen to 70’s corn music while viewing corn. Bow chica. Bow chica.

There’s also an extension that allows web surfers to easily control Firefox using only mouse gestures, which is very useful for corn viewers, who always surf with only one hand.

If you haven’t downloaded Firefox, we highly recommend you do. The tabs alone make it worthwhile, whether you like corn or not.

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Item: Firefox 1.0
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tabbed windows. Pop-up blocker. Google search field. Makes it easier to view corn.
Cons: Still has some kinks, which maybe good if you’re kinky.