(Editor’s Note: This review contains references to bowel movements and many different forms of the word “poop.” If you are uncomfortable with this, please do not continue. If you are comfortable with this and have a laptop, this review would make great reading material while backing a big brown caddie out of the garage. Enjoy.)

They say death, taxes, and our doo-doo stinking are the only three things that we can be certain of in this lifetime.

By now you’re probably used to the smell of your own dookie, but sometimes, depending on what you ate, the smell of your own Lincoln Logs can overwhelm you. Of course, there are many products out there that help with the smell of your brown torpedos, like aerosol spray air fresheners, scented candles, matches, and clothespins.

But there are problems with each of these things. With aerosol sprays, unless you want a shower of it coming on you, you can’t spray it while making a deposit at the porcelain bank. Scented candles take a while before its scent is in the air, and by that time, you might be done with giving birth to a buttsnake. With matches, you could possibly burn your fingers or have the urge to light your farts. As for clothespins, they just plain hurt when you pinch your nose with them.

Over the past year, I’ve noticed that many households here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have been using Poop Water, which is brought to us by our friends in Japan, who have also given us such great products as the Sony PSP, Toyota Camry, and anime porn.

Okay, the product’s name isn’t actually Poop Water, I just gave it that name because I don’t know how to translate its real Japanese name, Toire Sonoatoni Kyoryokuittekisyosyu. You would think two years of college Japanese classes would help me translate that, but the only complex sentence I can put together in Japanese is, “Geri ga arimasu,” which means, “I have diarrhea.”

My poor Japanese language abilities also made it impossible to translate the Poop Water’s instructions. Fortunately, there were diagrams on the packaging which explained how to use it.

Anyway, this product is basically a deodorizing liquid for those times when the upside down volcano is erupting. Adding two drops of Poop Water into the toilet before, during, or after taking a Number Two, will destroy the smell of your Winnie the Poohs. After days of testing, the Poop Water almost instantly got rid of the smell coming from my butt nuggets.

It should also help when taking a leak after eating asparagus. Unfortunately, I hate asparagus, so I couldn’t test this theory out.

At first, the clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell of the Poop Water annoyed my nose, but by the third use, I was used to it. But then again, almost anything smells better than when I download some brownware.

After initial testing, the only reoccurring problem I’ve had with the Poop Water was remembering to use it while making a Madonna movie. Since the Poop Water bottle is very small (holds 20 mL), I sometimes don’t notice it, so I don’t use it, because as they say, “Out of sight, out of mind.”

Although the Poop Water bottle is very small, a bottle of it should last four to six months, depending on how much fiber you eat.

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Item: Poop Water
Purchase Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Only two drops needed. Works almost instantly. Clean, fresh, but slightly chemical smell. Better than using a clothespin to combat the smell of caca.
Cons: Pricey for such a small bottle. Might be hard to find for most people. Might not remember to use it while building ass rockets.

If anyone needs help with the ladies, it’s me.

When the best compliment I’ve received about my looks is, “You have nice ears lobes,” I know I’m gonna need a little extra help attracting women. So I turned to a product that claims women will be all over me if I use it, Axe Shower Gel.

They come in a variety of scents: Touch, Essence, Phoenix, and Kilo, which also sound like good party drug nicknames. I chose the Touch scent, because that was the desired effect I wanted with women and it also smelled like the Christian Dior’s cologne Fahrenheit, which I wore during my freshman year in high school to impress my hot 23-year old English teacher.

After taking a jog, I had the opportunity to use the Axe Touch Shower Gel. I poured some into my loofah and began washing my body. (Yeah, I got a loofah. WHAT ABOUT IT? It exfoliates. Yeah, I exfoliate. WHAT ABOUT IT?)

As I washed my body, the scent began to change. It went from the pleasant Christian Dior Fahrenheit musky scent to the unpleasant old man musky smell. It was like Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde.

The old man smell filled my bathroom and I actually dry heaved once. I quickly rinsed off my body, dried off, sprayed on my favorite cologne, and avoided my bathroom until the smell faded away.

From that experience, I didn’t believe the old man-smelling Axe Touch scent could actually attract young women, but I had to find out the truth. So I needed to find a place where there were many women.

Fortunately, I have a major state university in my backyard, so it was easy finding groups of women. So the next day, I reluctantly took another shower using the Axe Touch Shower Gel and then walked up to campus. My plan was to wait for the classes to end and then walk through one of the busiest walkways.

When classes got out and the walkway filled with students, I swam my way through the crowd, trying to pass as many women as I could. When I ended up at the other end of the walkway, I turned around and went through it again. Unfortunately, both times I didn’t receive any phone numbers, seductive looks, or full-body tackles.

I went home disappointed.

When I got home, I stepped into the bathroom and cried…I mean, washed my face. The old man smell from the Axe Touch Shower Gel still lingered from the shower I took about an hour earlier. I took a deep breath and a lightbulb suddenly went on in my head.

If young women weren’t attracted to the old man smell of the Axe Touch Shower Gel, then maybe I needed to focus my attention to those who might be. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to Catherine Zeta Jones and Anna Nicole Smith terrifies me, because I’m afraid she might sit on me, hug me, or eat me. With those two off my list, I decided to hit on focus on the female AARP segment of my community.

So the next morning I got up at 5:30, took a shower with the Axe Touch Shower Gel, and headed towards the nearest McDonald’s, which is where the old folks here tend to congregate. When I entered the McDonald’s, the place was crawling with people over the age of 60 and had a heavy coffee smell.

I ordered some food and sat in a booth that was next to one that had four older ladies, or as I like to call them, “experienced ladies.” With my back facing towards them, I took the sports section of the newspaper I brought in with me and began to fan myself, pretending I was hot. I hoped that the scent of the Axe Touch Shower Gel would reach the ladies.

As I ate my breakfast, I tried to listen in on their conversation, hoping that they would whisper something about how great I smelled to each other. Unfortunately, the only things they talked about were their last doctor visits, the trip one of them took to Las Vegas, and their grandchildren.

Bah!

After finishing my breakfast, I went home, stepped into the bathroom, cried…I mean, brushed my teeth, went back to sleep, and dreamed of women rubbing my nice ear lobes.

Item: Axe Touch Shower Gel
Purchase Price: $4.39
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Christian Dior’s Fahrenheit cologne while in the bottle, but…(see cons). Cool black bottle. I have nice ear lobes.
Cons: I had a musky old man smell after I took a shower. Doesn’t attract young women or old women. Smell lingers in bathroom for hours. Pricey.

FEMALE FRIEND: It’s soooo small.

MARVO: It’s not THAT small. Besides, it’s pretty powerful and it can go for a long time.

FEMALE FRIEND: How long can it go?

MARVO: I got it to last for over twelve hours.

FEMALE FRIEND: Twelve hours straight?

MARVO: Yeah.

FEMALE FRIEND: That’s a lot of Doggystyle, Piledriver, Missionary, Lotus, and Cowgirl.

MARVO: Oh, don’t forget the Pretzel, Helicopter, and T-Spoon.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you mind if I touch it?

MARVO: Go ahead.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I didn’t realize how smooth it was. So do you take it running with you?

MARVO: Yeah, I HAVE TO take it with me. Although when I put them in my shorts, it kind of protrudes.

FEMALE FRIEND: So do people notice it protruding when you’re running?

MARVO: I don’t know, but I feel it bouncing around. I’ll probably buy something so that it doesn’t flop around so much.

FEMALE FRIEND: Do you think you’re hurting it when it flops around like that?

MARVO: I don’t think so, because it’s pretty durable and it hasn’t skipped a beat. Although, when I first got it, I had some problems with it.

FEMALE FRIEND: Like what?

MARVO: Well basically, it didn’t always work right. I’ll be in the middle of using it and then everything goes soft.

FEMALE FRIEND: It gets turned off or something?

MARVO: Yeah, but everything is fine now. I just looked at some stuff on the internet and it stays turned on now.

FEMALE FRIEND: So how does it work?

MARVO: Just grab it, use your thumb, and stroke it right here.

FEMALE FRIEND: Right here?

MARVO: Yeah. Some people have had trouble turning it on, so you might have to stroke it a little harder.

FEMALE FRIEND: Oh my goodness, I turned it on. So how do I make stuff come out of it?

MARVO: You just have to push the right button.

FEMALE FRIEND: This button?

MARVO: Oh yeah, that’s the button.

FEMALE FRIEND: So when you wanna put stuff on it, where do you stick it?

MARVO: I stick it into a USB port, where it also gets charged up. It takes about three to four hours to fully be ready to go again.

FEMALE FRIEND: So what else does it come with?

MARVO: It came with a couple of things, a pair of earbuds and a lanyard, which you can use to hang it from your neck. But I don’t like to wear it like that. I prefer to keep it in my pants.

FEMALE FRIEND: It doesn’t have a screen, so how do you know what’s playing?

MARVO: Well when I’m using it, it’s usually in my shorts and I don’t really need to look at a screen. I pretty much know what’s on it, because it only holds 125 songs. But if I need to switch to something else, I’ll just play with it through my shorts. I know where the right buttons are.

FEMALE FRIEND: So does it vibrate?

MARVO: No, it doesn’t vibrate.

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Item: iPod Shuffle
Purchase Price: $99.00
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Light and small, but not THAT small. Great for exercising. Durable. Doesn’t skip. Cheapest iPod.
Cons: Had occasional problems with keeping it turned on. No screen, which maybe a problem for some. Some might have trouble turning it on.

I always get a tingling sensation when I buy a compilation CD that consists of bands that I’ve never heard of.

It gets me excited because I like to think of it as playing musical Russian Roulette, just spin the CD and hope none of the bands give me a headache.

Of course, it’s very similar to regular Russian Roulette, except with regular Russian Roulette the headaches are much worse.

This time around, I played musical Russian Roulette with the new Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation CD, which consists of a number signed and unsigned rock, punk, and emo bands. I thought this would be the perfect CD to have a one-man mosh pit with.

Drive-Thru Records is an indie record label that has some of my favorite new bands in its stable, like Allister and The Early November. PureVolume.com is a great place to discover new bands and to get a whole crap load of free MP3s without the RIAA breathing down your neck like Kirstie Alley would if you had a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

There are a lot of great things about the Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation, but there was one that stood out. It wasn’t the fact that the compilation comes with two CDs. It wasn’t that I got it on sale for only $8.99. It wasn’t the fact that when I purchased the CD, the cute cashier at the record store wanted my autograph, although she called it a signature.

The best part of the compilation was the extra 120 total MP3s that came on both discs of bands that I have never ever heard of.

This news made my iPod cream, because that would mean 120 more songs I’d be stuffing into her. (Yes, my iPod is a she and a whore.) Although I had to fix the ID tags in iTunes because they were all messed up and my iPod doesn’t like nameless things going into her, because she has some standards.

After listening to all eight hours and thirty-two minutes of the compilation, I’ve discovered a lot of great new bands, like Fall Out Boy, Echo Screen, Self Against City, and a whole lot of other bands that I would list, but I think at some point you might wonder if I’m just making names up.

Despite my high praise of the compilation, there were a few bands that I didn’t like, but you can’t expect me like everything. Just like you can’t expect Kirstie Alley to like all the doughnut variations at Krispy Kreme.

Anyway, if you enjoy discovering new rock, punk, or emo bands, I’d like to suggest the Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation. It was a very satisfying CD purchase, especially for my slutty iPod.

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Item: Drive-Thru Records & PureVolume.com Compilation
Purchase Price: $8.99 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Two CDs and 120 extra MP3s. Many good bands that I’ve never heard of. A whole lot of music for a cheap price. Great way to stuff your iPod with rock, punk, and emo bands (and she’ll like it). No Britney or Ashlee.
Cons: You probably haven’t heard of 99% of the bands, so the compilation might not be good for those who are afraid to try new things. MP3 ID tags were messed up. My iPod is a whore.

Saint Patrick’s Day is one of those “not-really-a-holiday” holidays. It’s like Flag Day. You don’t get the day off, the malls are open, the mail is delivered, and street parking isn’t free. It’s like, um, a normal Monday…thru Friday.

Although, if you get smashed enough on Saint Patrick’s Day, you can call in sick the next day, which is sort of like a real holiday, except with aspirin and dry heaves.

Despite Saint Patrick’s Day being a “not-really-a-holiday” holiday, there are a lot of great things about it, like you don’t need to buy gifts for anyone, don’t need to attend dysfunctional family dinners, don’t need to spend $100 on flowers, don’t need to buy some lame greeting card, and hookers look a lot better, due to beer goggles.

Of course, Saint Patrick’s Day is the best day to get drunk, because alcohol is cheap, plentiful, and sometimes green.

So what’s the second best day to get drunk?

Any other day.

So in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day and the possibility that I might not have a review for you tomorrow due to a hangover, I wrote a poem about Saint Patrick’s Day. (No, I did not write it drunk) It goes a little something like this:

The Saint Patrick’s Day Poem

Top of the morning to you all and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.
I hope you’re dressed in green, or you’ll get pinched right away.
It’s time to get rowdy and it’s time to get drunk.
You should start in the morning, when things are usually rough.
Forget the wine, champagne, light and nonalcoholic beer.
Hard liquor and real beer is essential for this time of year.
So get yourself a drink, or maybe two, three, four or five.
Make sure you have a designated driver to get you home alive.
So head to the nearest bar and let the drinking begin.
Start yourself off with something like a tonic and gin.
Chug a screwdriver because you need your OJ in the morning.
Don’t drink with an empty stomach, this is just a warning.
Have a few glasses of Guinness, which is blacker than coal.
Or have a shot of whiskey, if getting drunk is your goal.
If you’re drunk by now, consider yourself a lightweight.
If not, have some more and see how much you can take.

Have a drink with your friends Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
and remember it’s illegal to buy liquor for a teen.
Get a margarita if that’s what you really like.
Get one the size of a kiddie pool, you can drink it all night.
Order a Scotch and make sure it’s on the rocks.
Too much alcohol makes an ulgy person look like a fox.
Tank a few bottles of Foster’s without any fear,
and remember that Foster’s is Australian for beer.
Now if you’re Irish, you’re probably still quite sober yet,
but if you’re Asian, you’re probably redder than an apple can get.

Take a shot of a German Death and a Harley Davidson.
They both go down really hard like NyQuil medicine.
Have a shot of tequila with a wedge of lime and some salt.
If you swallow the worm it’s really your own drunken fault.
Sip on a really dry martini with an olive in a glass.
Have it shaken not stirred, like James Bond, a man with class.
To wash that all down order yourself a vodka and tonic,
and if you start seeing leprechauns, consider yourself an alcoholic.
Well whether you’re passed out, throwing up, or okay.
I wish you all a safe, fun, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

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Item: Saint Patrick’s Day
Purchase Price: FREE (alcohol not included)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Don’t need to buy gifts for anyone. Mail is still delivered. Green beer. Hookers look better.
Cons: Don’t get the day off. Possible beer goggle situations. Getting pinched for not wearing green.