Let me start off by saying that the new McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders are the best burgers ever released by The Golden Arches. Of course, that’s not really saying much since most of their burgers suck. It’s sort of like saying Kim Kardashian is the most famous Kardashian but only because the others didn’t come out with a sex tape.

I know I’ve said in the past that I love McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers, but I only love them because it’s a little more than a dollar and I can use the grease from them to keep my chest hair from popping out of my collar. And I know I’ve said that I enjoy their Big Macs, but only because of my affinity towards that middle bun.

I know what it’s like to be a third wheel, Middle Bun.

I may really enjoy these new burgers, but it brings up one question in my head.  We’ve been eating crappy McDonald’s burgers for years and all this time they had the ability to make a really good burger, so what the fuck have they been doing for the past decade? Have they been eating McDonald’s food, getting sleepy soon after, taking a nap and then not getting any work done, like the rest of us do?

The Angus Third Pounders come in three varieties:

Deluxe – a burger with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, pickles and mayonnaise.

Bacon & Cheese – a burger with cheese, bacon, red onions, pickles, ketchup and mustard.

Mushroom & Swiss – a burger with sauteed mushroom, mayonnaise and swiss cheese.

Which flavor you should try depends on what your taste buds yearn for and/or the amount of sodium your circulatory system can take, since each burger has between 1100-2070 milligrams of sodium.

All of the Angus Third Pounders are flavor packed. The Deluxe had a classic burger taste and I would totally do behind a shed. I could taste the Angus beef, cheese, pickles and mayonnaise (only because they put a huge glob of it on the burger), but I felt the red onions didn’t add much flavor. The Bacon & Cheese contained big slices of slightly crispy bacon that ensured I had some in every bite, although it’s taste wasn’t as prominent as I hoped it would be. Again, the red onions didn’t really provide much flavor, but the burger didn’t really need it and I would totally do it hard in the back seat of a car. The Mushroom & Swiss was probably my favorite among the three and I would do it the hardest in a janitor’s closet. The sauteed mushrooms were tasty, well sized and plentiful, but they didn’t overwhelm the sandwich, letting the flavor of the meat stand out.

The patties in the Angus Third Pounders are much tastier, less greasy and noticeably thicker than regular McDonald’s burger patties. The texture of the meat was different too, but in a good way. All of the burgers themselves were significantly larger than most other items on the menu. I hope McDonald’s keeps them that size and they don’t end up like the Big & Tasty, which started big, but now is much smaller.

Overall, I’m pleasantly surprised by the quality and flavor of the McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders. Some might complain about the $4 price tag for each burger, but the other big burgers on the McDonald’s menu are only about 50-75 cents cheaper and they’re also 50-75 percent shittier. So I think the Angus Third Pounders are worth the extra scratch.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 burger – Deluxe – 750 calories, 39 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1700 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 40 grams of protein. Bacon & Cheese – 790 calories, 39 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 2070 milligrams of sodium, 63 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 45 grams of protein. Mushroom & Swiss – 770 calories, 40 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 1170 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 44 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders (Deluxe, Bacon & Cheese and Mushroom & Swiss)
Price: $4.19 each
Size: Third pounders
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Deluxe)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Bacon & Cheese)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Mushroom & Swiss)
Pros: Very tasty. The best McDonald’s burgers I’ve ever had. Fresh looking ingredients. Hefty for McDonald’s burgers. Thicker, tastier, and less greasy patties than regular McDonald’s burgers. Great source of protein.
Cons: Totally unhealthy. High in sodium, saturated fat and trans fat. Red onions didn’t add much to the burgers. Some might find the burgers to be pricey. Eating McDonald’s food, getting sleepy soon after, taking a nap and then not getting any work done.

The idea of getting a fancy pastry from McDonald’s is like getting your entertainment from MTV, it’s best to have low expectations because of its source, which should’ve stuck to their roots instead of branching out into other areas.

The Golden Arches has been trying to take advantage of Starbucks’ popularity by introducing in some of their McDonald’s restaurants the McCafe, which offers coffees, coffee drinks, fruit smoothies, and pastries, like the McCafe Tuxedo Brownie.

Just like all Mike Myers’ films after “So I Married An Axe Murderer,” I had low expectations for the McCafe Tuxedo Brownie, which consisted of a fudge top, a chewy brownie middle, and a crunchy bottom that seemed to consist of Oreo crumbs and white chocolate.

It reminded me of something I would find in Chili’s or Applebees, except without the obligatory scoop of vanilla ice cream and the boring restaurant decor. The design on top of the Tuxedo Brownie looked like cappuccino art and brought back memories from those times I spent trying to perfect my curly brackets in trigonometry class.

The box it came in was significantly bigger than the pastry itself and it also came in a fancy schmancy McCafe brown paper bag with paper handles, which will be recycled and used as a gift bag filled with dog poop, set on fire, and given to someone I don’t like.

You know who you are.

The Tuxedo Brownie was as dense as the words that come out of Spencer Pratt’s mouth whenever he opens it. As a matter of fact, it was so dense that I couldn’t eat the whole thing in one sitting, but that denseness made it chewy, which is just how I like my brownies.

Unfortunately, it didn’t really taste like a brownie because the fudge top overpowered the rest of it. Overall, it was good, which surprised the hell out of me, although I could probably do a better job with some fudge, brownie mix, chocolate chips, macadamia nuts, an Iron Chef, and a degree from a half-decent French culinary school.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Kylie for recommending the McCafe pastries for review. I think I still feel it in my gut.)

Item: McCafe Tuxedo Brownie
Price: $2.75
Purchased at: McDonald’s McCafe
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good. Chewy. Seems inexpensive. Looks fancy. Comes in a fancy schmancy brown paper bag with handles. “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” MTV when they played music videos.
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like a brownie. Denseness may turn off some. Comes in huge box. Not available at all McDonald’s. Unknown nutrition facts. Spencer Pratt. Trigonometry. MTV today.

The McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich is cute. I’m not talking Hello Kitty cute, I’m talking women being courteous and calling a dude’s wiener “cute,” instead of the term they’re thinking in their head, which is “small.” Just like those courteous women do when they get a glimpse of the “cute cock,” I giggled a little when I saw the latest chicken sandwich from McDonald’s. The sandwich is 3.5 inches in diameter and not very tall. When I first saw it, I thought to myself, “God, I could stick that whole thing in my mouth with ease.”

For years, I’ve been telling women while crying that it is not the size of the boat that matters, it is the motion of the ocean, but the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich made me realize that I am wrong. The sandwich consisted of seasoned, lightly breaded all white meat chicken with two pickles in between a buttery tasting bun. The chicken was surprisingly juicy the first time I had it, but wasn’t when I had another a few days later. It seemed like there was very little seasoning on the chicken, making its flavor quite bland and I thought overall it really tasted like a mediocre McChicken sandwich. I didn’t even notice the buttery bun, but the pickles did help with the flavor, although you can’t get a pickle in every bite. So maybe having a bigger pickle would help a lot.

The idea of the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich apparently comes from a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, which also has breaded chicken, a buttery bun, and pickles. Since I’m thousands of miles away from a Chick-Fil-A, I can’t make a comparison, but it does sound like McDonald’s ripped off the idea. But is copying something so bad? Without copying others I wouldn’t have a college degree, high school diploma, passed my SRAs, and gotten through playground pattycake competitions. But what is bad is doing a poor job of copying, which seems like what McDonald’s did with the Southern Style Chicken Sandwich.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 400 calories, 17 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 1030 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 24 grams of protein.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader David for suggesting the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. I would’ve reviewed it earlier, but last month I swore off all fast food in hopes of a slimmer waistline and the ability to run more than 100 yards without collapsing.)

Item: McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich
Price: $5.29 (“Value” Meal)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cute. High in protein. Biting pickles. My pattycake skillz. Big pickles.
Cons: Small sandwich. Taste like a mediocre McChicken sandwich. Pricey for its size. High in sodium for something so small. The motion of the ocean doesn’t matter.

The fast food apocalypse shall soon be upon thee! Flee now to high ground and thou lives may be spared from obesity and being pillaged and robble, robble, robbled by the evil Hamburgler.

I am not a witch, nor a soothsayer, but in the back cover of my hardbound printing of “Fast Food Nation,” there is a message written in what I first thought was blood, but later found out was ketchup, that said, “When the four burritos of the rising sun meet, the fast food apocalypse shall drown the Earth.”

With the introduction of the McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito, I fear the worst is one step closer to being a reality. Hardee’s unleashed their 920-calorie Country Breakfast Burrito earlier this year. Jack in the Box recently brought into this world their Sirloin Steak & Egg Burrito. If Burger King, brings forth a breakfast burrito, I can only presume the fast food apocalypse will follow.

What would a fast food apocalypse be like?

I imagine kings and clowns will battle for supremacy; big, dumb, purple Grimaces will fall from the sky; Jack in the Box antenna balls will come to life and mess with your radio reception or tell you how shitty of a driver you are; Jared Fogle will weigh 425 pounds again; and zombie Colonel Sanders will roam the Earth, eating human flesh and proclaiming that it tastes like chicken. It may seem like a big bad dream that could only be caused by licking a toad or Amy Winehouse’s skin, but if one more breakfast burrito hits the market, the world is doomed…DOOMED I TELL YOU!!!

The possibly world-ending McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito contains cheddar cheese, jack cheese, American cheese, skillet potatoes, chunks of sausage, bell peppers, onions, scrambled eggs, and salsa all wrapped up in a soft tortilla. All of those ingredients equal a decently hefty burrito that could be a part of a complete non-nutritious breakfast. The salsa pretty much dominates the flavor of the burrito, which of course makes it quite spicy and makes me like it a lot. On a scale of one to ten, with one being pussy mild and ten being the burning sensation caused by unprotected sex with Paris Hilton, I would rate its spiciness a six.

I was hoping that the potatoes were crunchy like their hash browns, but unfortunately they weren’t and didn’t really add anything to the burrito. Another problem I had with the McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito was the fact that there weren’t enough “Mc’s” in its name. I think the McDonald’s McSkillet McBurrito has a nice McRing to it. Finally, as hefty as it was, I wish it were huge like a Chipotle burrito (Warning: slightly annoying flash animation, if you click the link), but then again if it was, the fat and sodium content would probably kill me before the fast food apocalypse could.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burrito – 610 calories, 36 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 410 milligrams of cholesterol, 1390 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 27 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 20% calcium, 25% iron, and -5 minutes of life.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Molly for letting me know about the McSkillet Burrito, but if the fast food apocalypse comes, I won’t be glad she did.)

Item: McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito
Price: $3.29 ($2.49 in other places)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good and spicy. Heftier than I thought it would be. Nice variety of ingredients. Kings and clowns killing each other.
Cons: Could be a little bit bigger. Not enough “Mc’s” in its name. Trans fat. Potatoes might’ve been better if crunchy. If you’re not into spice, this might not be nice. Fast food apocalypse. Being robble, robble, robbled.

The McDonald’s Snack Wraps are just like actors who’ve played James Bond — one of them defined it (Sean Connery, Ranch Snack Wrap), one of them not so much (Timothy Dalton, Honey Mustard Snack Wrap), one of them you’ve probably never heard of (George Lazenby, Salsa Roja Snack Wrap), and one of them was not bad (Roger Moore, the new Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap).

But unlike the James Bond movies, which are somewhat limited by the number of novels written by Ian Fleming and other authors, the expansion of the McDonald’s Snack Wrap is almost endless. Stuffed with either crispy or grilled all-white chicken breast meat, shredded lettuce and cheese, and a spicy sweet sauce, the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap continues the evolution of this affordable burrito wannabe.

You could say about the Snack Wrap that McDonald’s is not only just lovin’ it, they’re also just milkin’ it. Slowly but surely, as they keep adding new sauces, Snack Wraps will reach a rare level of diversity that only Beanie Babies and Pokemon have accomplished, but unlike those two, Snack Wraps have horrible resale value on eBay.

But for now there are only three McDonald’s Snack Wrap flavors available nationwide, and if you’ve tried all three, congratulations, you’ve completed the Snack Wrap Gastrointestinal Triple Crown. Your prize? A possible slight raise in high blood pressure and making the lovable purple blob Grimace smile.

If you haven’t had the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap, I’d suggest you try it, because it’s good. Although, I personally think the ranch dressing version of it is the best flavor. The sauce itself tasted like any barbecue sauce with a little spice and it meshed well with the crispy version, but not so much with the grilled one.

As someone who prefers to get my tongue kicked by spices so hard that I cry like a Miss USA contestant after she’s announced as the winner or sweat like someone trapped in a Geo Metro with Spongebob Squarepants and Urkel from Family Matters, I was hoping that the chipotle sauce would’ve been hotter. But if you’re a lightweight when it comes to spices, I’d suggest passing on this particular Snack Wrap because there is a little burn.

(Nutritional Values: The crispy version of the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap has 320 calories, 14 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 14 grams of protein. The grilled version has 260 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 820 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, and 18 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap
Price: $1.49 each
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Crispy tastes better. Sean Connery as James Bond. Making Grimace smile.
Cons: Kind of small. Sauce not spicy enough for me. Grilled is not as good as crispy. Nutritional values are snack-like. Timothy Dalton as James Bond. Being trapped in a Geo Metro with Spongebob and Urkel.