Of all the great rivalries we have in this country — Democrats vs. Republicans, Yankees vs. Red Sox, Edward vs. Jacob — there is only one that will truly last the test of time: Pie vs. Cake. Epic battles have been waged between these two desserts (I counted 120 on YouTube, alone), but it appears that this holiday season, McDonald’s has bravely attempted to bridge the gap, so that we may all bask in the glow of holiday togetherness. Behold, the Holiday Pie, a 250-Calorie hybrid for those who like a little pie in their cake and a little cake in their pie.

I bought mine for 69 cents PLUS tax, which is a travesty, considering they were sold for much less last year. It appears that McDonald’s may have come upon hard times and is scraping up every last nickel to spend on magical unicorn oil or whatever it is that they use to cook those awesome fries. Case in point, the McDonald’s where I purchased my Holiday Pie had been forced to hang old coffee cups from the ceiling as their Christmas decorations. Le sigh…

The presentation of this pie is a bit off-putting. First of all, there is a guy on the box who looks like he’s frantically trying to avoid having to kiss his amorous girlfriend who has most likely just polished off a limited-time-only McRib and now has killer onion breath. Second, the Holiday Pie is a “Special Order.” It says so on the sticker that someone lovingly placed on the box. How special? It’s special enough that it has sprinkles that remind no one of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan or Boxing Day. Which holiday does this thing represent, exactly? Sugar Puff Glitter Ponies Remembrance Day? The man on the box seems to beg for answers through his twisted scowl. But there are none to be had.

A fairly sweet and crumbly “sugar cookie” crust encapsulates a nuclear yellow pudding, which tastes an awful lot like yellow cake. You’ll notice I put a space in between the words “yellow” and “cake” in order to differentiate between the tasty baked food and the uranium-derived powder used in nuclear reactors. Strange that they both produce the neon colors present in this menu item. Coincidence? Only Mr. Kissy-Face on the box may know for sure. Maybe his desperate expression is meant to be a warning.

The Holiday Pie isn’t terrible. It’s sweet without being too sugary, and it’s served warm without scalding your mouth (like their molten lava-style apple pie). On the downside, the texture of the crust is slightly silty… like fine sand. There is also a strange, chemical aftertaste that accompanies the pudding, which makes me think I’m going to go home later and suddenly develop super powers. I call dibs on X-ray vision!!!

What? I like to watch.

So, yeah, the Holiday Pie. I’m not hating it… but I’m not lovin’ it.

(Nutrition Facts – 260 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of total carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and a single, solitary gram of dietary fiber)

Item: McDonald’s Holiday Pie
Price: 69 cents
Size: 1 pie (2.7 oz)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Pie/Cake hybrid, sweet & warm, 69 cents, Glitter Ponies, Special Order, The Holidays, super powers.
Cons: Possible nuclear components, 69 cents plus tax, onion breath, inexplicable sprinkles.

If you’re expecting the new McDonald’s Angus Snack Wraps to taste exactly like their bigger brothers, you should know that, just like Owen Wilson’s nose alignment, they’re slightly off. This can be attributed to the use of a soft tortilla instead of a bun. But the folks at McDonald’s have captured almost all of the great taste of their Angus Third Pounder Burgers with these burrito-ized versions of them.

The Angus Snack Wraps come in the same three varieties as their bigger brethren: Mushroom & Swiss, Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese. All of them come wrapped in a soft tortilla and with half of an Angus third-pound patty, which, if my math is correct, equals more meat than what’s attached to the bones of a waif supermodel or more meat than the amount a waif supermodel has eaten in past six months.

The Deluxe also comes with half of a tomato slice, a leaf of lettuce, red onions, pickle slices, American cheese, mayo and mustard. The Bacon & Cheese is also made up of red onions, pickle slices, a strip of bacon, American Cheese, ketchup and mustard. And the Mushroom & Swiss has sautéed mushrooms, Swiss cheese and mayo.

When you compare these Angus Snack Wraps with all previous Snack Wraps, it makes the older varieties look as sad and pathetic as I do whenever I put on running shorts and walk around with my pale hairy legs exposed. Each Angus Snack Wrap has a nice heft and look much more substantial than the chicken and Big Mac Snack Wraps.

Because of their weight, I wondered if eating one could be more of a meal instead of a snack. But after chomping down the first one, I forgot about what I was trying to do and ate all three varieties in one sitting. I ended up consuming 2,800 milligrams of sodium, not including fries. It made me wish silly ol’ me looked up the nutrition facts before eating them, which might’ve prevented the gluttony and future high blood pressure.

Because I really enjoyed the Angus Third Pounder Burgers, I knew the likelihood of me enjoying the Angus Snack Wraps would be as high as the percentage of failed attempts to find love via reality shows. The Deluxe Angus Snack Wrap (view innards) tastes like a classic burger and every ingredient was noticeable. But none of them overpowers the others, even the red onions. It’s probably the most appetizing of the bunch because of the vegetables, which look surprisingly fresh. The Bacon & Cheese Angus Snack Wrap (view innards) is also very flavorful, but the bacon disappoints a little. While it’s a nice sized slice of bacon, it wasn’t noticeable enough when mixed with the stronger flavors of the mustard and ketchup. It was also extremely soggy, but that’s par when it comes to fast food bacon. As for the Mushroom & Swiss Angus Snack Wrap (view innards), I definitely could taste all of the major ingredients, especially the mushrooms. However, I think whoever made mine went all Duck Hunt with the mayo gun, since a lot of it oozed out from the Snack Wrap.

I like all three varieties, but a few items bother me about them. First of all, the patties are slightly dry, which isn’t surprising for McDonald’s and will probably never change. But despite being dry, I like the meat’s flavor, which is definitely of a higher quality and is better than the usual McDonald’s patties. Also, at $2.49 each, they seem a bit pricey. Fortunately, for most of you, because you don’t live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, you’ll be paying $1.99, which is what they’re worth.

Overall, I really enjoyed all three varieties of these slightly less guilty versions of McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders, and I believe they are the best menu items McDonald’s has in Snack Wrap form.

Just don’t eat all three of them in one sitting.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wrap – Deluxe – 410 calories, 220 calories from fat, 25 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein. Mushroom & Swiss – 430 calories 230 calories from fat, 26 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar and 22 grams of protein. Bacon & Cheese – 390 calories, 190 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1080 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar and 21 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Angus Snack Wraps (Mushroom & Swiss, Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese)
Price: $2.49 each ($1.99 at most McDonald’s)
Size: Varies
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mushroom & Swiss)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Deluxe)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Bacon & Cheese)
Pros: McDonald’s best Snack Wraps. All three were very tasty. Captures almost all the flavors of their Angus Third Pounders. Their heft makes previous Snack Wrap varieties look sad and pathetic. Slightly less guilty than McDonald’s Angus Third Pounders. Lettuce and tomato in Deluxe were colorful and fresh.
Cons: Patties are slightly dry. Having to pay $2.49 for them and not $1.99 like most people. Great source of sodium and trans fat. Mushroom & Swiss had too much mayo. Bacon in the Bacon & Swiss was limp and was overpowered by the mustard and ketchup. My pale hairy legs in running shorts.

The coolest thing about the McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies are not the smoothies themselves, even though they’re made with ice, but rather how they’re made.

The machine that blends it is part-coffee vending machine, part-blender, part-dishwasher and, because it has a touchscreen, part-iPhone. With that technological combination, I’m surprised these space-aged blenders haven’t become self-aware and tried to take over the world, or because they’re part-iPhone, lose their ability to make smoothies if you hold them the wrong way.

Watching the McWorker make my McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies was like watching a NASCAR pit crew do their thing (or Formula One for our foreign readers). She made my Wild Berry and Strawberry Banana smoothies with speed and precision.

Actually, let me take that back. The blender made my smoothies with speed and precision.

All she had to do was select the smoothie I wanted and the proper size on the touchscreen and the blender did the rest, dropping crushed ice into the blending container, oozing the low-fat yogurt and fruit puree into the container and blending all of it to perfection. All of that took less than 30 seconds. Then after she pulled out the blending container and poured my smoothie into a cup, she placed it upside down on a tray and water started shooting up to rinse it. Within seconds, it was ready to make another smoothie.

The Wild Berry flavor consists of a mix of strawberries, blackberries and blueberries, while the Strawberry Banana is made up of self-explanation. As I mentioned above, each is blended with low-fat yogurt and ice, which creates a consistency that I would describe as easily suckable. While sucking, I was surprised to find seeds among the ice granules in both smoothie flavors, since it gets its “real fruits” via a puree.

Blueberries were the dominate flavor in the Wild Berry smoothie, and I could hardly detect the strawberries and blackberries. As for the Strawberry Banana smoothie, I thought the strawberries had the stronger flavor. However, I thought both flavors tasted like store-brand yogurt.

I didn’t enjoy the McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies as much as their coffee-flavored counterparts, the Frappé. But I do think they’re inexpensive and decent tasting smoothies.

And I’m not just saying that to please our future McDonald’s blender overlords so that they’ll spare me and not turn me into a smoothie.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 small smoothie – Wild Berry – 210 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 44 grams of sugar, 2 gram of protein, 2% vitamin A, 80% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 6% iron. Strawberry Banana – 210 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 70% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies (Wild Berry & Strawberry Banana)
Price: $2.29 each
Size: 12 ounces (small)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Easily suckable. Reasonably priced. Low fat. Awesome source of vitamin C. Made in an awesome blender. No high fructose corn syrup. Having my life spared by our future blender overlords.
Cons: Not as tasty as the Frappé. Uses fruit puree, instead of pieces of fruit. Not a good source of calcium. Not having balanced fruit flavors. Being turned into a smoothie by our future blender overlords.

I’m glad McDonald’s introduced their new Sweet Chili Sauce because I was getting a little stir crazy having only three varieties of McNugget sauces to choose from — barbeque, sweet & sour and hot mustard. If it wasn’t for this latest sauce, I might’ve pulled a Tiger Woods and start sticking my McNuggets into things I shouldn’t, like Jello pudding, Baconnaise, the Big Mac’s secret sauce, or a Big Mac itself.

The Sweet Chili Sauce looks very much like the sauce that comes with the spring rolls I order at Vietnamese pho restaurants. Both have an orange hue with chili flakes floating in them, but the McDonald’s version has a much thicker consistency. It’s like dipping McNuggets into orange Jello that hasn’t completely set.

Unlike other McNugget sauces, it’s easy to see through the Sweet Chili Sauce, so if you collect enough packages of it, you can pull a Jim Halpert and stick the stapler of your workplace foe in a fish tank full of it. It’s also clear enough to help remind you that you’re eating chicken in the form of a nugget.

The Sweet Chili Sauce doesn’t really tickle my taste buds. It tastes somewhat like the sauce that comes with spring rolls, but a weaker version of it. While I was hoping there would be a balance, it’s much more sweet than spicy, which makes sense since sugar is the number two ingredient in it behind water. While there are chili peppers floating around in it, they barely register on my own personal heat index and don’t provide much flavor. Compared with the other McNugget sauces, I thought Sweet Chili Sauce’s flavor was bland.

While I admit it’s my least favorite, it’s unfortunate that the Sweet Chili Sauce is around for only a limited time. Because when it’s gone and I get tired of the other sauces again, I hope I’m not able to find a bottle of Baconnaise on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(Nutrition Facts – Unavailable. I bow my head in shame because I am unable to provide you with this important information.)

Item: McDonald’s Sweet Chili Sauce
Price: Included with McNuggets
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes somewhat like the sauce that comes with spring rolls. Great if you like to see your McNuggets through the sauce. Pho. McDonald’s Hot Mustard Sauce.
Cons: Doesn’t tickle my taint. Much more sweet than spicy. Not a flavorful sauce. The urge to dip my McNuggets into other things. The idea of Baconnaise.