Hey! McDonald’s Hot Mustard Sauce! This is not what it looks like. I know it looks like I’m having an affair with your sister, McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce, but I assure you what you see before you is just an accident.

Yes, I can explain why Hot Habanero Sauce is all over my McNuggets. Um…Well, we saw each other and wanted to give each other a hug but while we were walking towards each other, she tripped and her top came off. When I noticed she tripped, I ran to her to try and catch her, but I also tripped and my McNuggets fell out. Since we were falling towards each other, she accidentally ended up on my McNuggets.

Why would I cheat on you Hot Mustard Sauce? We’ve been together for decades and you know I love you.

Okay. Okay. So I’ve cheated on you a few times before. But I didn’t leave you for any of them, so they meant nothing to me. I’m sure if we add it up we’ll find I’ve been loyal to you 99.5 percent of the time. And if you round that up, it’s 100 percent.

Do I think Hot Habanero Sauce is hotter than you? Sure, she’s a six or seven, while you’re a two or three, but you’re older, and you know what they say, “The older the berry, the sweeter the juice.” Hey. Hey. Don’t cry. I mean, you’re hot too, but in a different way.

Oh, I can’t lie to you anymore, Hot Mustard Sauce. All right…You got me! I was cheating on you with Hot Habanero Sauce. But in my defense, I couldn’t help myself because she’s younger, hotter, creamier, and I have a thing for redheads. She even has freckles. Freckles drive me wild!

But after trying the McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce, I realized that you’re still the one that I love to touch. Still the one and I can’t get enough. We’re still having fun, and you’re still the one.

Yes, I just recited song lyrics. I’m sorry.

Did I enjoy myself with Hot Habanero Sauce?

Um, it was fun spending time with her and she’s definitely the hottest item McDonald’s has ever released. She didn’t make me cry, like other habanero products I’ve tried, but after getting through the first container, she made me sweat a little, my nose a little runny, and suggested I drink some soda. I don’t want to experience that every time with my McNuggets, even though she’s quite tasty and a little tangy. But I guess she should be tasty since she’s your sister.

Please don’t leave me, Hot Mustard Sauce. I love you and I promise I’ll never put anything else on my McNuggets ever again.

Psst. Hot Habanero Sauce. Call me.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Other McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce reviews:
An Immovable Feast

Item: McDonald’s Hot Habanero Sauce
Price: Free with McNuggets meal
Size: 0.78 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Really good flavor. Younger and hotter than Hot Mustard Sauce. Hottest item McDonald’s has released. Good balance of flavor and heat. Hot Mustard Sauce is hot too, but in a totally different way.
Cons: Cheating on Hot Mustard Sauce…again. Reciting song lyrics when you don’t know what to say after gettting caught cheating. Might not be hot enough for some heat heads.

Peer pressure is a bitch. When I was fourteen, I had my most memorable bout with peer pressure when my friends and I took turns jumping off a bridge. You heard me right. You know that old-as-dirt, parental warning “If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?”

Well, that bridge is real, dear reader.

And it was quite clear to me at the time that the answer was YES. There was a creek that ran through the town where I grew up, and at certain points throughout there were little footbridges. One particular bridge was about seven feet off the ground, and one day, my pals decided they would try to jump off and land on the level surface just on the edge of the creek. I was hesitant to do it since the ground was pretty muddy, and I was more than a little scared to sully my brand new jeans and awesome TLC CrazySexyCool t-shirt. You can probably see where this is going. I took a flying leap off the edge.

Long story short, the lovely ladies of TLC were soon covered in a slick of grime, dead leaves and any number of biological specimens dredged up from the creek bed. I should’ve heeded T-Boz’s warning to stick to the rivers and the lakes I was used to instead of careening like a howler monkey into certain doom. Now, I would have to go home covered in dreck and confess my bad deeds, so I was up shit creek. Literally. But like I said… peer pressure is a bitch. It can make you do things you really don’t need to do… and most importantly, probably shouldn’t do.

It is now evident that McDonald’s has also fallen victim to the sway of their fast food peers by introducing Chicken McBites. What KFC, Chick-Fil-A, Popeye’s, Sonic, and even Arby’s have already accomplished years ago, McDonald’s now feels it must also do in order to prove it isn’t… (waaaaait for it) Chicken. We all know that McDonald’s is no stranger to fried poultry, and that they are certainly capable of producing their own version of popcorn chicken. It just feels a bit like overkill when you already have McNuggets and Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips. Why would customers want smaller pieces of chicken with less meat in them? It doesn’t make any sense. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The presentation of the Chicken McBites is on point. Chicken McBites arrive hot and fresh in a very cute and well-designed paperboard container with a built-in sauce cup holder that folds back from the lid. The sauce cup holder is very clever and handy, but make sure you don’t ask for honey with your McBites like I did. The holder is not constructed to hold the shallow honey container and appears designed to grip larger dips like Sweet n’ Sour and BBQ Sauce. Order honey, and you’ll be unwittingly setting up a very cute and well-designed honey catapult.

Given that popcorn chicken is high in fat and calories and sodium, all the bad things that go against nature and your better judgment, McDonald’s has decided to offer Chicken McBites in three different sizes, so you can make the “best” worst choice possible. They sell a 4-ounce “Snack” size, a 6-ounce “Regular” size, and a 12-ounce “Shareable” size. The fact that the largest size is called “Shareable Size” is interesting. This must be McDonald’s way of saying “Don’t eat the whole thing by yourself, Fatass.” Each size is sold individually, ranging from $1.99-$4.99.

I ordered the Regular size and quickly discovered that the McBites themselves also varied in size. There were big ones and small ones. There were microscopic McBites (which could barely be called “McBites” in the first place because something that McSmall hardly required McChewing) and gargantuan McBites (that were clearly two McBites stuck together).

Like most popcorn chicken, the McBites were chewy and crispy on the outside with very generous breading. The breading was seasoned with spices that added the tiniest amount of heat. What the spices were, I do not know. The McDonald’s website says that McBites consist of “chicken breast meat” with a “savory home-style breading,” so I guess those spices can be found at home, y’all!

But let’s talk about the meat-to-breading ratio. There were scanty amounts of “breast meat” here, folks. I understand it is popcorn chicken and that popcorn chicken is mostly flour, but this was really just fried, spicy flour with a slight, somewhat chicken-flavored filling. This is what McDonald’s — the #2 Fast Food chain in the world — came up with when faced with the possibility that they’d be excluded from the popcorn chicken game? Coming in second to Subway makes them want to go out and make fried, barely-meaty chicken chunks? They just had to do something, even if that something wasn’t their best effort. Did McDonald’s even have to pretend they cared about popcorn chicken?

Chicken McBites are not yet available everywhere, but they soon will be. They’re not as good as McNuggets or the Premium Chicken Strips, but they do come in several sizes. So they’ve got that going for them. I know McDonald’s will consistently try to impress with new additions to its menu that mirror what their peers have tried before, even if it the food doesn’t turn out the best… Even if their efforts result in disaster. Someone somewhere will look at the yucky, messy results and respect that McDonald’s did it; that they tried.

(Nutrition Facts — Regular size (6 ounces) — 470 calories, 28 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 730 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 22 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Chicken McBites reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Grub Grade
Fast Food Geek

Item: Chicken McBites
Price: $2.99
Size: Regular size
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: TLC’s Waterfalls. Fried poultry. Adorable packaging. Nice, affordable prices for all three sizes. Yummy home-style seasoning. Comes with a sauce cup holder.
Cons: Peer pressure. Scanty amount of meat in each McBite. Honey catapults. Creek bed filth. Deigning to care about popcorn chicken.

I own this amazing pair of sleek, light-as-a-feather pants that changed my attitude about what pants could be. I knew that I had to buy them when the changing room attendant began to wax poetic about her own pair that was waiting for her at home after a long day at work. These pants had it all: comfort, good taste, and style. I would not be embarrassed to be seen wearing them in public, unlike other “comfortable pants” I happen to own (I’m looking at you faded high school gym sweatpants). The price was a little steep, but I knew I was making a good investment on these heavenly pants.

I recently discovered that the same could be said for McDonald’s new Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal. Since it’s the latest in a long line of fast food establishment oatmeal initiatives, it’s certainly fashionable, and since it is only available in a few markets right now, it’s something you can brag about to friends (if you’re in the habit of bragging about what you ate… which is pretty ridiculous, so please don’t.)

The Apple Cinnamon Walnut oatmeal also costs more than you’d want to pay for instant oatmeal, but you knew what you were getting into when you pulled your car into a McDonald’s drive-through for breakfast, instead of boiling some water and tearing open a packet of Quaker Instant, so shut your mouth.

The oatmeal itself is pretty hearty. When you receive it, it’s already filled with generous chunks of apples (different types of apples, I may add) and thickened with light cream. In fact, if it weren’t for the delicious cinnamon flavor of the rolled oats and the accompanying packet of chopped walnuts you have to add in yourself, this oatmeal would be almost the same as the Fruit & Maple version, minus the dried cranberries and raisins. Even the McDonald’s where I bought my Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal got confused and handed me the older variety without so much as a blink! I mean, I understand the two oatmeal varieties look sort of the same, but you’d think there would be safeguards in place! Oh, wait, never mind, this is McDonald’s during the breakfast rush, not NASA. If someone’s headed for a burst O-Ring it would probably be the dudes in the headsets who don’t make eighty grand.

The Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal is warm, filling and tasty, but the only thing that keeps it from getting a higher rating from me is the presentation. Seriously, it looks very unappetizing. When they first give it to you, the cream hasn’t really seeped into the oats, so it leaves a thin, cloudy layer of liquid at the top. Not cute. You really have to stir it up a bit to give it a more natural-looking (and non-disgusting) appearance. It’s confusing to the senses.

The oatmeal smells wonderful, and the container is hot and inviting, but it looks like baby food … after the baby has eaten it and spit it back up. As we’ve already seen with the Fruit & Maple Oatmeal, it’s not guaranteed that every McDonald’s location will serve its oatmeal in this horrible fashion. Just be prepared to be a little frightened by the oatmeal straight off, give it a good stir and enjoy. Hopefully in some comfortable and stylish pants.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl – 270 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal reviews:
Brand Eating
Serious Eats

Item: McDonald’s Apple Cinnamon Walnut Oatmeal
Price: $2.19
Size: 1 bowl
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Oatmeal initiatives. Generous amount of apple chunks. Delicious cinnamon flavor. NASA. Heavenly pants.
Cons: Can be easily mistaken for the Fruit & Maple version by non-NASA employees. Only available in limited markets. Must mix in the chopped walnuts on your own. Oatmeal’s presentation can be likened to baby vomit.

As I’ve stated before, there are certain flavors that remind us of the seasons. You can’t deny eating red potatoes roasted with sea salt and rosemary doesn’t remind you of the winter. It’s rustic and familiar. Think about the taste of fresh lemonade. Its tart body, quenching and refreshing, brings about memories of hot summer days basked in the scent of fresh cut grass.

Food and memories have a symbiotic relationship. Most of us hold fond recollections of these moments. I am, however, left with one question. Why does McDonald’s hate the fall so much? Why?

If the clown had his way, memories of the autumn would include the flavor of overly sweet and creamy burnt vanilla. I think Ronald was abused as a child. How else to explain his coiffure that just asks for attention? You see, he has returned the favor by antagonizing us with their new Sweet Autumn Milk Shake.

The new M83 album is so good and I would rather talk about that but my job is to tell you my thoughts on this miserable experience. Also, does anyone miss the way McDonald’s shakes were served in their regular cups? I do. I am not a fan of their “McCafe” branding. The dollop of spray-can whip cream with a maraschino cherry plopped on top. I understand it’s supposed to emulate the countertop diner milkshake but there was something charming about slurping a strawberry milkshake in the ordinary cup.

So this limited edition flavor was found at one of the kindest McDonald’s I have come across. My wife has celiac (allergic to glutens) and cannot have the biscuit or hotcakes, and they always offer her an extra sausage patty or hash brown. If she was nice, she would let me eat her biscuit but instead she is a jerk. I was surprised to find the shake in my city but this one being next to a renowned media entertainment college, it makes sense.

The college demographic is more likely to try new things and I believe this particular establishment is frequented by many afflicted with the munchies. It’s a very smart location to test out some new stuff. (Note to those that go here and are reading this, stop consenting to searches by the cops, you do no favors to your criminal defense case in allowing it.)

Anthony Gonzalez really found a good balance of ambient and 80’s homage on M83’s new release…alright, alright…back to the milkshake. This will be the last “nice” thing I can say in this article: This McDonald’s is very sweet to their customers. However, this pales in comparison to how sweet this crappy shake is.

The color of the shake is orange, a bit like their Arctic Orange Milkshake. I thought it would be more of a reddish orange to mirror the autumn leaves but it was a scary bright orange. I saw this as an omen but I promised to consume things for you guys no matter how wary I am.

I understand that it’s called the Sweet Autumn Milkshake but I had no clue this was actually a warning. It was so sugary, my teeth hurt. The shakes come in small, medium or large but you would be advised to drink just the small one unless you want to slip into a type 2 diabetic coma. If you’re like me, you may not drink any more than five slurps.

I assumed the vague “autumn” flavor would be pumpkin pie-ish and I was right but you need to work at it. Picture a pumpkin pie that was baked too high and too long, then topped with cheap vanilla ice cream and maimed further with sugar cubes smashed into its flesh. God, this shake made me want to go to the nearest dog park and toss the concoction at a teacup yorkie, kick the owner in the ghoulies and then defecate at a nearby tree in shame. This was awful.

The taste of vanilla was immediate and as subtle as a chainsaw, a very sweet heavy fake tasting vanilla invaded my tongue. Where was the fresh autumn taste I was promised by the website? I even mixed the shake myself to raise the intensity. I did not taste anything but vanilla and the whipped cream was getting in the way.

Then like a cheap shot or perhaps a “Dear John” e-mail one gets after coming home after work. It was an unwelcome surprise and then the constant nature of suckness which the rapidly expanding universe couldn’t even contain revealed itself. There it was, a faint pumpkin pie flavor that gave way to an intrusive burnt gingerbread aftertaste. The charred smokiness ran everywhere and it was one epic fail of trying to capture the flavor of crust. Another sip only intensified this acrid taste. A third made me want to pull out my teeth Oldboy style.

I am tired of the pumpkin pie flavor and it seems like we are inundated with many variations of a product that scream with it. However McDonald’s really did distinguish themselves by adding that unique burnt flavor that I think no one has been craving. Congratulations Ronald, we feel your pain.

Picture a dinner with your girlfriend’s parents, and just as you’re about to suggest a Chardonnay…your uninvited friend who’s always hammered is at the bar and notices you. He invites himself to the table, stumbling, hi-fiving everyone, telling an embarrassing anecdote or two then drunkenly pulls out his long john silver and pees everywhere including on your face. Yeah, that’s what happened to my taste buds. It went from boredom to disgust.

I applaud McDonald’s trying to give us more than the flavor of custardy pumpkin pie by injecting a touch of baked crust but this was a disaster. You would do much better buying a vanilla milk shake and then adding some pumpkin pie spice. It doesn’t sound appealing but it has to better than this thankfully “limited edition in limited areas” offer.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounce shake – 540 calories, 17 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 50 mg of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 87 grams of carbohydrates, 73 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, and 11 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Sweet Autumn Shake
Price: $1.79
Size: Small/12 ounces
Purchased at: McDonald’s (home of that creep Grimace)
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: It’s available only for a limited time. It is sweet as the shake’s name advises. M83’s song “Reunion” is so dreamy, shoegazing is still alive! The whip cream on top is yummy. That it is available in limited areas. Oldboy is an awesome film.
Cons: It’s available at all. It is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sweet and then burnt. Golden showers and consenting to a search, in that order. Getting dumped by e-mail. Did I mention that the shake is really sweet? And then a burnt flavor?