I’m not a big fan of eating messy foods, like ribs, because my OCD starts whispering in my head, “Hey! You have sauce on your fingers…grease too. Also, those napkins are getting sticky. You can wipe your face and hands with a wet-nap but it’s still there. Keep wiping. You’ll never get rid of the smell.”

Agggggh, shut the hell up!!!

However, it’s a different story with breaded chicken wings. I dislike naked wings because I love how the breading soaks up whatever sauce it’s engulfed in, but maintains a little crispy give that satiates that “bite-down” rush. Greasy, fried chicken-smelling fingers be damned! I’ll tear into drumsticks and wings like any of the undead in the now over-exposed zombie genre. It’s a guilty pleasure and I prefer to eat them in the privacy of my home and away from company…even my wife.

So when I heard McDonald’s was going to sell (for a limited time) chicken wings under the idiotic name, Mighty Wing, I was skeptical. The name reminds me of The Mighty Ducks or Mighty Joe Young. Anything named “mighty” is sure to disappoint, right? (Except Mighty Mouse.)

Oh, how wrong I was. McDonald’s plan sounds shaky at first; they sell burgers, not chicken wings. Yet, I also thought about the midnight fast food binges most of us have experienced, and sometimes you just want damn hot wings. Besides, how many burritos or Krystal burgers can you eat after midnight before it becomes boring? And haven’t you always wanted McDonald’s fries with some hot wings? It can’t just be me.

McDonald’s touts on their box, “It’s Time for Bone-In Chicken.” That’s weird and sounds pseudosexual in an awful way. However, the box also sternly warns, “Spicy. Bold. Delicious.”

McDonald’s delivered on its triple threat.

I opted for the 5-piece because an order of ten only tips the guilty pleasure/gluttony scale. As for the order of 3-pieces, that is a blatant lie to yourself and everyone you love.

Due to my wife’s wheat allergy, I knew the fries were deep fried in its own vat. This is great because fried foods that smell and taste alike are a pet peeve of mine. Don’t believe me? Next time order fish and chips at some seedy place and note how smell and taste almost the same. I was happy, but not surprised, that only the scent of fried chicken wafted out of the bag.

It was a long ten minute drive back to the house and the box was still hot. I don’t think McDonald’s is given enough recognition for their packaging. Seldom, except for the fries, do I get anything from McDonald’s that is not warm when I get home. This box of poultry extremities is a testament.

On my first bite, the chicken’s coating was satisfyingly crispy which then gave way to a moistness in the meat that can only be achieved through a deep fryer with perfectly scalding, clean oil or magic farts from a dragon. I’m going with magical farts because I cannot stress how perfectly fried these wings were and I do not believe any human could have done these.

The other thing noticeable on the first bite was the spicy heat that sauntered in smoothly (but that may also be from magic dragon farts too). I could tell the grease from the wings were sufficiently drained because there was little oily residue on my fingers. The breading was in the “Goldilocks” zone, where it was thick enough to give your canines that pleasurable and violent passion of tearing into it. Too many times breaded wings are so over coated: I just taste fried, floury breading, which sucks.

I could also taste the characteristics of black pepper from the paprika. However, unlike black pepper that mildly fades away like the credibility of those late night ads that promise to make your dong super large, the paprika’s heat confidently hangs on with each bite. The hints of onion and garlic lend a slightly sweet taste, but it’s quickly punched in the face by the intoxicating salty and spicy concerto that barrages your mouth.

Like a bookend, the last thing I tasted was the previously mentioned spiciness. I was impressed the peppery heat stayed well after I devoured the wings. While I normally eat hot wings that make you poop lava, and these Mighty Wings don’t get near that level, I was surprised by their heat.

One gripe I had was the wing-to-drumstick ratio. In a perfect world where magic dragon farts and penis enlarging pills exist, it would be all drumsticks but I got only two drums and three wings. Another gripe was not being asked for any a choice of sauce and given two Tangy Barbecue containers like they were default prizes. Maybe it was just this particular McDonald’s, but a cold creamy ranch would’ve make this perfect.

This last gripe isn’t really an issue for me, but it may be one for you. Paying $4.99 for five wings is a tad steep when you compare it with Buffalo Wild Wings or any other places that makes its name on wings and beer. I’ll pay for the convenience of ordering it through a drive-thru speaker because I’m that damned lazy. So you’ll have to wage for yourself if it’s worth paying for. I’ll be honest, if I was eating this inside a McDonald’s, I’m not sure I would drop five dollars for them. However, they are so good, I just may.

Although chicken wings are common, it’s rare that wings are done so well. More often than not, they are overfried until they are dry like the scabs on your knee you are told not to pick. Worse, some are drowned in thick and viscous sauces. McDonald’s does a great job with their Mighty Wings and delivers on the spicy, the bold, and the delicious.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces – 480 calories, 31 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 145 milligrams of cholesterol, 1450 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, and 30 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Mighty Wings
Purchased Price: $4.99 (5-piece)
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Perfectly breaded. The spice packs a punch. The chicken was moist. You can now have wings with a Quarter Pounder and fries. The heat stays around. Magic Dragon farts.
Cons: It’s only a limited affair. When your OCD is mind-effing you. Zombie genre is more over-exposed than twerking. Kinda pricey. Wing to drum ratio is a tad disappointing. The term “bone-in” is stupid.

Below are descriptions of three different McDonald’s Quarter Pounder varieties:

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, thick-cut Applewood smoked bacon, ketchup and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, ripe tomato, leaf lettuce, mayo and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

A quarter pound juicy beef patty topped with melty American cheese, crisp red onion, crinkle-cut pickles, thick-cut Applewood smoked bacon, ripe tomato, leaf lettuce, mayo and mustard, on a toasted bakery-style bun.

Now that you’ve read them, cover the descriptions with your hand and then guess which one is for McDonald’s Deluxe Quarter Pounder, Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounder, and new BLT Quarter Pounder.

Go on. Humor me. The answers are at the bottom of this post.

Didn’t get them correct? Don’t feel bad. The differences between the three are slight. It’s as if McDonald’s cross-pollinated their Deluxe Quarter Pounder with their Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounder to make the BLT version. Or perhaps a better way to explain the BLT Quarter Pounder is to say it’s what you’d probably get if the person making your burger got confused between the Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese and ended up making it wrong.

The BLT Quarter Pounder is an uninspired burger, but it is satisfying. Because it’s topped with almost every vegetable and condiment a McDonald’s crew member can get his or her gloved hands on, it has a wide variety of flavors. There’s the seasoned beef patty, the salty slices of somewhat crispy bacon, the creamy mayonnaise, the bite of the pickles, the savory cheese, and, at times, thanks to the improved Applewood bacon, the burger tastes like a BLT sandwich. However, with so many ingredients, some of them got lost.

The amount of mustard in the two sandwiches I ate was a bit pitiful. Peeling back the bun, there was a lot more mayonnaise than mustard, and it looked like someone was trying to write their name in the snow with their pee. To be honest, I don’t understand why mustard is included. Because I’m pretty sure BLT sandwiches don’t come with mustard. And the same can be said about the pickles and onions. Speaking of the crispy red onions, which I’ve always thought were more pungent than white onions, they were as low-key as the green lettuce and tomato slice.

Now let me take a moment to complain about the “bakery-style bun.” It’s toasted and a decent vehicle for all the meat, vegetables, and condiments. However, I don’t like those thingies on top of the bun. They tend to fall off easily, leaving a mess. It’s messier than McDonald’s sesame seed bun.

Much like the Deluxe and Bacon & Cheese Quarter Pounders, there isn’t anything that screams “LOOK AT MEEE!!!” about the BLT Quarter Pounder. It’s basically a bacon deluxe cheeseburger. However, it’s a decent burger with good flavor, and if you enjoyed the other varieties you’ll probably like this one too. But your taste buds will probably think, “Yeah, we’ve had this before.”

(Nutrition Facts – 640 calories, 310 calories from fat, 35 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1360 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 37 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s BLT Quarter Pounder
Purchased Price: $4.99*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Great, if you love bacon deluxe cheeseburgers. At times, it tastes like a BLT sandwich. The bacon. Green lettuce (not the pale stuff on Big Macs). Making readers do weird things in front of a screen.
Cons: An uninspired burger. With so many ingredients, some of them get lost. Too similar to other Quarter Pounder varieties. The thingies on top of the bun make a mess. Red onions and mustard didn’t add anything.

*because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean I probably pay more than you do.

Answers: Bacon & Cheese, Deluxe, and BLT.

Anyone think today’s habanero is yesterday’s jalapeño?

Let me explain. Remember back when people started to accept spicy food as the norm instead of food you dared other men to eat to prove who had the bigger wang?

That’s when manufacturers started to use jalapeño on everything as a spicy alternative instead of just “bbq hot.” Compulsive in our nature, we just kept wanting more and more. As hot and spicy began to register on palettes, we wanted something higher on the arbitrary Scoville scale. “Give us more heat,” we cried.

I guess it’s comforting the habanero pepper is becoming ubiquitous. It demonstrates how as a society we’ve become accepting of heat. However, the savvy are looking for the next thrill (I see you becoming yesterday’s news soon, ghost peppers). And you know… part of me is sad because the mystique, if there was one, is eroding. I can’t think of a better example than Sriracha. Now, even talentless hacks at restaurants use it, and incorrectly a great deal of the time.

When you ask someone what a jalapeño taste likes, you’re more likely to get a response describing those cheap pickled jalapeños since most fast food/bad Tex-Mex places will use them. I don’t really want that for the habanero I love.

Yet, if others follow McDonald’s suit, I have nothing to worry about. In the spirit (or curse) of competition, all the fast food chains are going through something of a renaissance. McDonald’s is not immune to change and facing another shaky quarter, it’s probably in their best interest to do something to turn around the profits.

In response, McDonald’s recently introduced the new Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder. Oh yes, the habanero’s presence is felt, unlike the actress who plays Melisandre from Game of Thrones. Harsh as it is, I’ve seen discarded toenails that express emotion better than her.

Anyhow, the habanero is the star (and rightfully so) in this sandwich. I’m partial to Quarter Pounders over Big Macs because I do love that “meaty” taste and heft of a Quarter Pounder. Plus, I find that some places put too much Big Mac special sauce and my face ends up looking like someone forgot to tell me they were going to “release.”

This variant is made with white cheddar, thick (and it is thick) Applewood-smoked bacon, tomato, lettuce, and a habanero ranch sauce encased in a “bakery-style” bun. I wish it came with the American cheese because the white cheddar was kind of tasteless. What was not tasteless was the orange-colored habanero-ranch sauce.

On the first bite, that beefy taste and crispy slabs of bacon complimented the cold crunchy lettuce and surprisingly thick slice of tomato. The bacon deserves a special mention; it truly was thick and tasted of a bacon slice fresh out of a hot pan, incredible! Again, the cheese was like a wallflower at a party or the stupid black olive on top of a deviled egg, pointless and forgettable. The smokiness of that beef melded well with the salty bacon and of course, there was that tang from the habanero ranch sauce that held the sandwich together.

However, the payoff wasn’t how good the burger first tasted, it’s what came after.

I love habanero. It’s like the quiet friend we all have that has a really dry sense of humor and when they eventually say something, it’s a gem. The habanero’s heat has that pulsating ache that lingers on your tongue. I couldn’t believe it; McDonald’s captured the essence of a habanero.

The habanero ranch sauce itself at first tasted of a roasted pepper that was slightly sweet and playfully bitter. Then there was a hint of that milky ranch until the prevalent heat crashed in Kool-Aid man-style and instead of shouting “Oh Yeahhhh!”, it screamed something unintelligible and then smashed itself into pieces as the kids lapped up the pools of artificial sweetener.

Impressive of all, the heat didn’t invade and takeover the taste with each bite even though the spiciness grew exponentially in my mouth. This was a well thought-out burger, except for the cheese. It was so good, it had me wanting another.

I guess the only other critique is the bun, I love that non-fancy iconic McDonald’s bun and this “bakery-style” bun felt wrong. It tasted fine, but I hated it for some reason. Although, it’s a minor quibble.

Now please don’t believe that you will be wiping beads of sweat from your forehead or that your tongue will be crying for a milkshake to relieve the pain as you sniff the snot from your running nose. This is McDonald’s after all and not some Szechuan house that Adam Richman would visit to eat the hottest and largest dreck it offers. However, the level of heat coming from this fast food burger is impressive and it is totally discernible that you are eating a habanero and not some diluted “peppery” blend.

I’m enjoying the many menu-shifts and risks these chains are taking. I know it won’t last forever so we should enjoy it for as long as we can or at least until our arteries can hold out.

(Nutrition Facts – 610 calories, 31 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1180 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 37 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder reviews:
Grub Grade
Man Reviews Food
Brand Eating

Item: McDonald’s Bacon Habanero Ranch Quarter Pounder
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The habanero’s heat is just spectacular. The smokiness of the beef, the crisp and fatty saltiness of the bacon and the roasted flavor of the habanero ranch sauce. The renaissance of fast food menu items circa 2012-2013. The roasted taste of the habanero combined with the milky ranch. Quarter Pounders rule.
Cons: The white cheddar cheese did absolutely nothing for the burger. That stupid actress that plays the fire priestess in Game of Thrones. Bakery-fresh-style-bun-stinks. The whoring out of Sriracha sauce. Discarded toenails…yuck.

When I saw the marketing photos of McDonald’s new Egg White Delight, I thought it looked as if someone took a photo of a regular McDonald’s Egg McMuffin and then added a sepia tone or an Instagram photo filter to it. Thanks to its egg whites, white cheddar cheese, and Canadian bacon on a whole grain English muffin, the breakfast sandwich doesn’t have much color.

The Egg McMuffin is the healthiest McDonald’s breakfast sandwich. Well, WAS the healthiest because the Egg White Delight is being marketed as a healthier-for-you Egg McMuffin. A regular Egg McMuffin has 300 calories 12 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 260 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of fiber, and 18 grams of protein. An Egg White Delight has 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of fiber, and 18 grams of protein.

Hmm, 40 percent less fat, 90 percent less cholesterol, and 50 fewer calories? Sounds like it’s going to be 40 percent less fun, 90 percent less contentment, and 50 fewer satisfying chews. But, surprisingly, the Egg White Delight was kind of nice.

There’s a noticeable flavor difference between the two breakfast sandwiches. With the Egg McMuffin, the egg and cheese stand out more, but with the Egg White Delight, I thought the Canadian bacon and cheese were front and center. The egg whites do have a little flavor, but they mostly freak me out because they look like a pale lettuce leaf that was peeled from the inner most layers of a lettuce head.

I’m glad the Canadian bacon’s flavor shines through in the Egg White Delight because in the Egg McMuffin the Canadian bacon is being…well, Canadian. It’s being nice and letting the egg and cheese be at the forefront. The lean meat’s saltiness does well with the saltiness and flavor of the white cheddar. As for the English muffin, just like most Egg McMuffins I’ve had, it has crispy edges and does a wonderful job with containing the sandwich, making sure nothing falls out.

The white cheddar, which was also used on McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger, has a slightly better flavor than the orange American cheese. Or my taste buds feel that way because they’re tired of eating the orange stuff with Big Macs and McDoubles and are happy about the change. While the white cheddar is slightly better tasting, it doesn’t melt as well as the American cheese slices. Any part of the cheese that was caressed by the warmth of the toasted English muffin, egg whites, and Canadian bacon was somewhat melted. But any part of the cheese that stuck out of the sandwich was hard.

I’m surprised by how much I enjoyed the McDonald’s Egg White Delight because I thought it was going to taste as awful as their McLean Deluxe. But then again, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised because I’m used to eating egg whites and egg substitutes. So I guess all I have to say is:

Gonna buy that baby, gonna take a bite,
gonna grab some Egg White Delight.
My motto’s always been; if it’s lite, it might be all right.
Why eat something that could make your pants tight.
When you may chew on something healthier to start your day.
And they help compensate for the hash browns anyway.

Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite
looking forward to a little Egg White Delight.
Fryin’ Canadian bacon and toastin’ muffins make taste buds ignite
and the thought of eatin’ you is getting so exciting.

10:30 AM isn’t in sight. Egg White Delight. Egg White Delight.

(Nutrition Facts – 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 5 grams of fiber, 18 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 25% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Egg White Delight McMuffin
Purchased Price: $3.89 (The price is higher than you’ll probably pay because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Canadian bacon and cheese stand out. As good as an Egg McMuffin. It’s healthier than an Egg McMuffin. Toasted English muffin with slightly crispy edges. Afternoon Delight.
Cons: Cheese doesn’t melt very well. Doesn’t have much color; looks like someone put an Instagram filter on it. Egg looks like pale lettuce. McLean Deluxe.

I can’t help but feel inadequate when I look at the McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap. Look at its length. Look at its girth. If you compare it to one of my body parts, the McWrap makes it look pathetic.

I’m talking about my arm wresting arm. If somehow a McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap came to life and I had to beat it at an arm wrestling match to prevent it from taking over the world, I’m going to lose and we’re going to have to call it Supreme Ruler McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap.

When Apple’s iPad was first introduced, many people said it was just a big iPod touch or iPhone. And when I first heard about McDonald’s new McWraps, I thought they were just larger McDonald’s Snack Wraps. However, McDonald’s McWraps are much more than larger Snack Wraps.

A Chicken & Ranch McWrap can be made with either crispy or grilled chicken. I decided to try both varieties. (To be honest, I really wish McDonald’s would stuff these McWraps with McNuggets.) When the McCrew Member handed me the bag with my McWraps, I was McSurprised by how McHeavy it was. How McHeavy? I believe with a regime that involves several sets of wrist and bicep curls with a bag filled with two McWraps, I could take on and beat an animated McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap intent on taking over the Earth.

Along with your choice of chicken, the 9-inch McWraps are stuffed with half slices of tomatoes, cucumber slices, shredded lettuce, cheddar jack cheese, spring greens, seasoned rice vinegar, and buttermilk ranch sauce. I’d list the plants that make up the spring greens, but it’s filled with names you’re probably unfamiliar with, so instead I’m just going to tell you it consists of greens from the Asteraceae, Brassicaceae, Amaranthaceae families.

The McWraps come in sleeves that work a lot like convertible pants. But because of my muscle memory from eating a lot of Taco Bell burritos, I took the McWrap out of its sleeve and grabbed it like I was fighting a snake.

The crispy version is better tasting than the grilled one, thanks to the chicken’s breading, but I would buy either one again. I haven’t tried the other McWraps yet, so I can’t compare it with them, but these Chicken & Ranch versions are quite tasty. The buttermilk ranch sauce was spread evenly throughout the McWrap, ensuring flavor in every bite (and preventing ingredients from falling out), and the seasoned rice vinegar was ever so slightly noticeable but I think most people won’t realize it’s there.

Another ingredient eaters probably won’t notice is the cheese, which got lost in the buttermilk ranch sauce’s flavor. Since it doesn’t add any flavor, might I recommend asking to leave it out, which will knock off a good amount of fat and around 100 milligrams of sodium.

Thanks to the farmer’s market level of vegetables in each McWrap, its innards were filled with orange, dark green, light green, and dark purple colors. The veggies were also spread evenly within the flour tortilla as if they were placed there by a Subway Sandwich Artist.

While the McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap makes my forearms look inadequate, it adequately fills my stomach and gratifies my taste buds.

Click here to read our McDonald’s Sweet Chili McWrap review

(Nutrition Facts – Crispy – 590 calories, 260 calories from fat, 29 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 05. grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1300 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, 26 grams of protein. Grilled – 430 calories, 140 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1130 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, 30 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Chicken & Ranch Premium McWrap
Purchased Price: $4.99 each*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Crispy)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Grilled)
Pros: Nice flavor. Filling. Crispy is better tasting than grilled. Stuffed with, um, stuff, giving them a nice heft. Nice variety of veggies. They’ve got cucumbers. Dropping in plant family references to make me look smarter than I really am.
Cons: Cheese was unnecessary. Makes my arms look weak. Fast food trying to take over the planet. Awesome source of sodium. A McWrap probably doesn’t contain every green listed under “spring greens.”

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.