Google A.I. defines “novelty” as “a story with a compact and pointed plot.” Kraft is no stranger to novelty food…

Hold on, that seems off to me. Is that even the proper definition? Let me check ol’ Funk and Wagnalls.

Nope. That’s a “novella.” That’s not what I asked at all. “Novelty” is “something new and unusual.” Why is Google so bad now?

Is it just me? I’m not breaking any new ground here, complaining about A.I. like the proverbial man who yells at clouds, but A.I. stinks, man. I’m tired of it already, but it’s not going anywhere.

Since we’re living in a slightly off, ever-growing A.I. blur, I have to imagine Kraft used an A.I. prompt to come up with Apple Pie Mac & Cheese, a seemingly disgusting take on a classic.

Everyone knows what Kraft Mac & Cheese is like. It’s a tasty staple of childhood. This Apple Pie flavor is like a warped memory of childhood you aren’t sure even happened. Did I actually watch that movie about a unicorn that runs for Congress? There’s no record of it, but mayyybe?

First off, the flavor powder smells like the cinnamon you found in Grandma’s cabinet that expired in 1987. It’s strong cinnamon up front, with a cheese funk that follows. It’s really hard to make cinnamon smell bad. They succeeded.

I honestly think they copped out on the taste. It’s not good, but it’s not offensive enough to be really bad. I wanted to hate it. Perhaps it’s my A.I. internet riddled brain rot, but I think the novella novelty of this type of food is to make it over the top so more people talk about it.

Say you ate cereal, lazily rinsed the bowl, and then plopped mac and cheese in said bowl. You’re left with a distant “Congressman ‘Corn” memory of something sweet and fruity.

This tastes like regular Kraft with what I will call “a sweet spiced aftertaste ghost.” There is an “air of apple.” If it’s A.I., it’s “Almost Indistinguishable.”

I feel like they should’ve gone for the virality of it all. Who’s buying this to be pleasantly surprised? I would have gone all out on some Jones Soda/Bertie Botts-type gimmick.

I’m aware that apple pie with cheddar cheese is a delicacy in some regions, but Google A.I. defines “delicacy” as “something nasty forced upon you at a young age that you’re afraid to say tastes bad because it’s cultural or something.” Actually, pretty spot on. Well, they defined that after defining “delicately” first, which is ironic, because that second definition is pretty harsh.

I’m mad that I’m not mad. I wanted to write an outrageous review. This should’ve tasted like rancid apples instead of what it tastes like, but I know I sound stupid saying that.

I guess I didn’t hate it. I ate a mug’s worth and stopped there. Just enough of a “wait, something is off here” fear crept in for my failing brain to tell me to stop eating.

I bought the box on Walmart.com because I coulda sworn it was a web exclusive, but now I’m getting mixed search results about that being true, because, ya know, A.I. bad, and whatnot. This may seem like a fun Thanksgiving side dish, but don’t even bother.

Purchased Price: $1.48 ($8.47 with S&H)
Size: 7.25 oz
Purchased at: Walmart.com
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 Cup prepared) 320 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 510 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of total carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 8 grams of protein.

Okay, so this bigger Kraft Easy Mac Cup isn’t called Big Ass Easy Mac Cup, but it should be since it’s exactly twice the weight of the original size and comparing their sizes would be like comparing Kardashian sister asses.

I reviewed the original size when it was first introduced, and while I liked it very much, one complaint I had about it was that I didn’t think it was very filling and wouldn’t be suitable for a meal. Well, either a lot of people felt the same way or the folks at Kraft read that review and — four years later — the power of this quasi-product review blog compelled them to up the size of their Easy Mac Cups.

Making a Big Ass Easy Mac Cup is extremely easy. On a food preparing scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the computer on the Jetsons that makes anything you tell it to and 1 being the entire process to make homemade bacon that includes everything from hunting the pig in a forest to curing the meat to frying it in a pan, the Big Ass Easy Mac Cup is a 7, which is like making a Cup Noodles.

All one has to do to prepare the Big Ass Easy Mac Cup is fill the container with water up to the fill line, microwave it for three and a half minutes, stir in the cheese sauce mix that eventually turns into a cheese sauce that makes Taco Bell’s cheese sauce look significantly edible, and then enjoy…or ponder the direction your life has taken that has forced you to eat a Big Ass Easy Mac Cup.

The Big Ass Easy Mac Cup has the same level of cheesiness as the original Easy Mac Cup, which I surprisingly enjoyed when I reviewed it. However, while I think the smaller Easy Mac Cup isn’t very filling, its chubbier sibling might be too filling.

About three-fourths of the way through the Big Ass Easy Mac Cup, my mouth felt like I’d just given a 30 minute blowjob to a can on Kraft Easy Cheese. I got sick of its cheesiness and had a hard time finishing it off.

I guess the Big Ass Easy Mac Cup was too big for me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 440 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 1050 milligrams of sodium, 78 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 15% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Kraft Big Ass Easy Mac Cups
Price: $1.99
Size: 4.1 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Enjoyable cheesiness. Twice the size of regular Easy Mac Cups. Easy to make. The computer on the Jetsons that made their food.
Cons: Too much Easy Mac for me. Sucking on a Kraft Easy Cheese can. Cheese sauce mix makes Taco Bell’s cheese sauce look good. Great source of sodium. The influential power TIB doesn’t have.

Are you tired of being overweight? Are you tired of not having the financial freedom that you want? Are you able to lose weight, but still a broke ass mofo? Are you livin’ large, but also livin’ large?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, the FLIMFLAM Plan might be right for you. The Financial and Loot Increase Mixed with Fat Loss thru Accurate Manipulation Plan is not just a weight loss strategy and it’s not just a economic program — it’s a lifestyle change that gives you the body of a supermodel with enough money to buy the superficial things that you deserve.

Do you wish to be skinny enough that no prison cell can hold you and have enough money to bribe people? Would you like to have the ability to hide your entire body behind a lamp post or a telephone pole and buy a five gallon tub of mustard just because you can?

If you replied with a “yes” to any of these questions, the FLIMFLAM Plan is what you need to turn your body skinny and your wallet fat. Some of you might be saying to yourself that the FLIMFLAM Plan sounds difficult and there’s probably many steps, but it has only one step and that step kills two birds with one stone. We leave the multi-step plans with the alcoholics and sex addicts.

How much would you expect to pay for a program like this? Thousands of dollars? Hundreds of dollars? What if I told you that for about five dollars a day you can get the body that you want with the financial security that you deserve? You’d probably say I’m crazy, but you know what’s crazy? Wasting five dollars a day on a Starbucks coffee or spending five dollars to feed an entire Ethiopian village for a year. With that five dollars, you can some closer to looking like an Olsen twin and have a fraction of the fortune they have.

The secret of the FLIMFLAM Plan is its one step, which is to eat only one Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Its inexpensive price will give you the money you need to buy whatever impulsive purchase you want and its small portion will help you lose the extra weight, and probably muscle, that you don’t want.

The Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cup is quick and easy to make. All you need to do is fill the cup with water to the fill-line in the cup, microwave it for three and a half minutes, and mix in the powdered cheese sauce. The FLIMFLAM Plan not only saves you money and helps you lose weight, it also gives you more time to spend with your family, friends, WoW guild, or that special someone you don’t want your significant other to find out about.

The powered cheese sauce contains the bacon bits, but once it’s stirred with the macaroni, it’s difficult to see any. It’s like trying to find Waldo or Tila Tequila at a troll convention. It’s only when you take a bite of it that you’ll notice the tiny bits of bacon, which adds a very slight smokey flavor to the feast of cheese and perfectly cooked macaroni. The very slight smokey flavor did help the cheese sauce which was a bit watered down and not as strong as I hoped, but the Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cup tasted as well as I expected it to taste.

So what are you waiting for? If you want to save money and lose weight at the same time, order the FLIMFLAM Plan today!

(Fine Print: FLIMFLAM Plan is not recommended by the FDA. Side effects may include malnourishment, high blood pressure, a nauseating feeling when around cheese, a nauseating feeling when around macaroni, messy microwaves, and an urge to sing the Oscar Mayer song.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 220 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 6% Calcium, 8% Iron, and 10 grams of almost instant satisfaction.)

Item: Kraft Easy Mac with Bacon Cups
Price: $1.29
Size: 2.05 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Quick and easy to make. Inexpensive. Being able to buy five gallons of mustard because you can.
Cons: Small portion. Cheese sauce was not as strong as I hoped. Bacon bits were small tiny. Sodium is high for something so small. Doing the FLIMFLAM Plan.

There’s something about foods in microwavable bowls that are appealing. I guess it’s because those tubby little bastards are just so damn cute.

Roly-poly, if you will.

Look at how cute the Kraft Easy Mac Cup is in the picture above. It makes me was to pinch its cheeks and say things with a lot of vowels in a high-pitched voice, like “goo-goo,” “ga-ga,” “poo-poo,” “wee-wee,” and “meep-meep,” which either makes me sound like I got kicked in the balls or I turned into Beaker from The Muppet Show.

Kraft Easy Mac Cups are so cute that it makes me want to say other things in a high-pitched voice that I know they won’t understand, like “You’re a good little microwavable bowl. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You’re so cute, I could eat you all up, and I will after I microwave you for about three and a half minutes in water and stir in the powder cheese sauce. Yes, I will. Yes, I will.”

They also make me want to hug and squeeze them like they were little furry animals, but not too hard, because just like squeezing little furry animals too hard, squeezing foods in microwavable bowls too hard will cause their innards to come out.

You know what else is cute about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups? The cute tiny elbow macaroni inside, which look like albino Snork snorkels.

It seems like almost everything about the Kraft Easy Mac Cups are cute, from the chubby bowl to the ingredient monosodium glutamate. Come on, admit it. “Glutamate” is such a cute word to say in a high-pitched voice.

Glutamate. Glutamate.

The instructions are also very cute and drunken Tara Reid easy. Just pull off the cute lid, pull out the cute cheese powder packet, fill the cute cup with water up to the cute designated line, stick the cute cup in a cute microwave for a cute three and a half minutes, pull out of the cute microwave, add the cute cheese powder packet, stir throughly, and consume cutely with a cute fork or cute spoon.

Besides being cute and easy, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups were also tasty and cheap. Who knew that the kindergarden equation of Powder + A Little Water = Paste would turn into something more cheesirific than the white, bland paste I remember eating years ago, during my artsy paper-mache mask making phase.

However, I have to admit that sometimes being cute isn’t so cute.

I didn’t really care for the cute two-ounce serving size, which wasn’t enough for a meal, not even a cute one. Besides that, the less than one gram of dietary fiber wasn’t enough for me to make a cute toot from my cute tush. Also, the 700 milligrams of sodium was probably enough to make my blood pressure go from cute to acute.

But overall, the Kraft Easy Mac Cups make a cute side dish, a cute snack, or a cute hat for a monkey.

Item: Kraft Easy Mac Cups
Price: $1.25
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Quick and easy to make. Cheesirific. Kind of cheap. Cheesy paste. Makes a cute hat for a monkey.
Cons: Small serving size. High in sodium (700 mg). Low dietary fiber. Beaker constantly getting blown up. Me saying things in a high-pitched voice.