The Lunchables people are here to kick you in the balls and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s right, they are the latest brand to join in on the craze of “extremification” in the world of product marketing. Lunchables are now “Maxed Out” and presumably ready to proverbially rock out with their cocks out.

I was curious to see if this new product had anything to do with the recent film Maxxxed Out, a fine film starring Jenna Haze, Sunny Lane, and other girls whose names sound like weather descriptions. However, it appears as though Lunchables is not yet extreme enough for hardcore porn.

I was intrigued by this new spin-off because I actually like the original Lunchables. Sure, the meat is slimy and the cheese resembles candle wax, but it is a consistent and comfortable reminder of my salad days as a fledgling youth. Plus, it tastes just like a turkey sandwich, but with 0% of the dignity.

The changes with the Maxed Out variety seem to be minimal. You get more food, but the quality is generally the same and the origin of the meat is just as ambiguous. I got the Deep Dish Pepperoni one, which is actually neither deep or made with pepperoni. It boasts “pepperoni flavored sausage,” which struck me as odd because real pepperoni is about as cheap as sausage gets. There is about half a centimeter for you to fill your crust with, so it’s not very deep unless you’re some type of amoeba.

It came with two crusts and enough sauce, cheese, and pepperoni flavored sausage to make decent sized mini-pizzas, so I can’t really complain about the quantity. It’s just too bad that the sauce tastes like strawberry marmalade and that the faux pepperoni tastes like nothing. I finished one and imagine that a child might be able to enjoy it, but it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

To wash it down, you get a mini bottle of water. A bottle of water with my Lunchables? Lame. Even though they include a Kool-Aid pouch to turn it into a soft drink, it doesn’t change the fact that a perfectly healthy bottle of spring water was included with my junk food. Plus, it gives choosy moms a chance to rummage through the box and steal the precious packet of sugar and food coloring. The old school Lunchables had a badass pouch of Capri Sun with a graphic of a guy skating on the beach on it. Nothing got me more pumped up for tripping over soccer balls during recess.

A cherry-flavored Airhead is included for dessert. Airheads always confused me because they aren’t aerated and aren’t shaped like balloons. Maybe they are just made for stupid children, hence their blunt and inauspicious name. If this is true, then they are really rubbing it in.

All in all, Lunchables Maxed Out is a disappointing romp through our collective childhood memories. This saddens me, because it had so much going for it: my love of pizza, the promise of free video game rentals, and the logo, which looks like something that Wolverine from X-Men would have carved into someone’s chest. Alas, even the most extreme of superheroes couldn’t salvage this mediocre meal.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 box – 510 calories, 13 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 mg of cholesterol, 850mg sodium, 77 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 24 grams of protein, 25% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin C, 50% Calcium, and 4% Iron)

Item: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Comes with ingredients to make two decent sized pizzas, big enough to fill a kid’s stomach. Fun to put together for children who may otherwise not receive enough arts and crafts in school. Wolverine fucking people up.
Cons: Sauce is way too sweet and fake pepperoni doesn’t taste very good. Loosest use of the term “deep dish” ever. Comes with bottled water instead of the awesome pouches of Capri Sun. Generic new name doesn’t really make any changes to the original brand. Does not tie in with Maxxxed Out.

I’ve never had a Lunchables before, but I’ve always been curious about trying them. Sort of like how I’ve been curious about getting a nipple pierced.

I guess I’ve never tried them because I feel that I’m a little too old to be eating them. I’m also afraid to get caught with them in my shopping cart, because it will make me look like either a father or a big loser.

But then again, I do eat a lot of Pop-Tarts and kids cereals.

Hmm…So that’s why all the women turn their shopping carts away from me.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, Impulsive Buy reader Mia asked us if we could review the new Lunchables Chicken Dunks.

I agreed to look for them and believe me, I REALLY had to look for them.

For over a week, I went searching high and low for them, but couldn’t find them anywhere. Not at the national grocery store chain, or at the locally-owned supermarket, or at the world-dominating superstore behemoth. They were elusive, like topless photos of the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Wait. They’re 18 years old, right? I don’t want to seem creepy.

I already seem creepy?

DAMMIT!!!

Anyway, I thought that I would have to wait another week for them to arrive on shelves here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. (Just to let you know, things like this come by boat.) Fortunately, while looking for lunch at the convenient store down the street, I finally happened to come across the Lunchables Chicken Dunks.

It seemed like it took forever to find them.

Well at least I didn’t have to wait in line for three and a half hours, like I had to do for the Bellagio’s Thanksgiving Buffet in Las Vegas.

When I got home, one thing that caught my eye on the box was the phrase, “Tastes Great…No Need To Heat.”

I thought to myself, “You can actually eat the Chicken Dunks COLD?”

Well I did just that, although I did heat up a couple of chicken pieces to compare. In both instances, no matter how many times I dunked the chicken into the ketchup (which they provided), they both tasted kind of gross.

It’s a good thing the Lunchables Chicken Dunks came with a tropical punch Kool-Aid Jammers juice because I NEEDED something to wash the chicken down.

Item: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Chicken Dunks
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Starburst fruit chews. Kool Aid Jammers Tropical Punch.
Cons: Chicken tastes gross cold. Chicken tastes gross heated up. Amount of food won’t satisfy adults.