Why am I, a life insurance premium-paying, retirement-planning, high blood pressure medication-taking, Raisin Bran-eating adult, reviewing these Lunchables PB&J Sandwiches marketed towards the single-digit-aged crowd?

Despite my age, I’m still a lover of the simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and throughout my lifetime, I have probably eaten the weight of an entire elementary grade level of them. So I wanted to know if Lunchables’ newest endeavor is a PB&J product I could appreciate.

Of course, we can’t go on without bringing up the 800-pound uncrusted gorilla in the room, Smuckers Uncrustables, which these Lunchables compete against in the cutthroat world of children’s meals.

There are several significant differences between the two. One, these Lunchables don’t need to thaw because they aren’t stored in the freezer. Two, unlike Uncrustables, which have the peanut butter AND jelly in the sandwich, these feature the jelly on the side as a dip. Three, Smuckers Uncrustables are much better tasting.

What hurts these sealed sans-crust sandwiches the most is the filling. While PB should’ve stood for Peanut Butter, the acronym here really stands for Pretty Bland. The peanutty interior lacks an enjoyable sweetness, saltiness, and nutty satisfaction. It’s hard to say anything positive about it when it’s as flavorful as the soft bread surrounding it.

Thankfully, the strawberry and grape jellies added flavor to this boring party. However, it’s frustrating that they are dips instead of being inside the bread because it was a pain trying to ration the jelly so that I wouldn’t have to experience more bland bites of bread and peanut butter. Despite the fruity concoctions being sticky, dipping the sandwiches into them doesn’t apply a satisfying amount to the exterior. I understand Lunchables probably didn’t want to stuff the jelly into them because it would deviate from the brand’s ethos of allowing kids to “construct” their meals, but it’s a bit of a pain. I had to resort to scooping it out with the sandwich itself, which led to using too much and having to put some back so that I didn’t have to experience the dreaded jelly-less bites later on.

These Lunchables PB&J Sandwiches are disappointing, and I can’t recommend them over Uncrustables or even something homemade. I realize that I’m a tax-paying, colonoscopy age-nearing, ethos-using adult and that someone closer in their life to wetting their bed than getting their first paycheck might say they enjoy these much more than I do, and that I’m a poo-poo head who has cooties. So perhaps take my words with a grain of salt that this sandwich’s peanut butter really needs.

Purchased Price: $2.39* each
Size: 2.27 oz
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10 (both)
Nutrition Facts: Strawberry – 180 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar (including 5 grams of added sugar), and 6 grams of protein. Grape – 190 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar (including 6 grams of added sugar), and 6 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

With recent news that the healthy school lunch initiatives undertaken by the First Lady might just be starving our kids, I can imagine quite a few in the K through 12 ranks are contemplating a switchover to the old brown bag lunch. As a former “bringer,” (every day, for 12 straight years, and DAMN PROUD) let me welcome them to the world where anything goes and what your parents pack you very rarely ends up down your gullet.

I’m talking trades, haggling, and straight up bartering for the best goods this side of a 7-Eleven snack aisle.

But before you trade away for old Howie Klinchenstien’s two bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos and Rachel Jimbobberycooters’ Dunkaroos, you’re going to have to equip yourself with some serious hardware. Forget that couscous and marinated mozzarella salad Mom made the other night, and ditch Dad’s homemade crunchy chickpeas with cumin and black pepper. These days, the freaking lunch lady’s can whip up that, and hell if I’m gonna eat something I can’t even pronounce. No, what’s really hot on the middle school lunch trade market right now is a bit more…how should I put this…elicit.

Chicken nuggets are where it’s at. And thanks to Lunchables’ new Snackers Honey BBQ Chicken Nuggets, you can not only bring chicken nuggets to your no-fun lunchroom, but you can do so without even having to sneak into the teacher’s lounge to use the microwave.

Because the 15 second heating instructions are “optional,” I decided to sample my pre-cooked nuggets both cold and warm. I highly suggest neither option.

After opening the bag, you’ll be greeted by a smell I can only describe as “soggy cafeteria chicken nugget.” Ah, the sweet smell of maltodextrin, corn meal, and reconstituted white meat chicken with rib meat. Tell me, is there anything more American?

Cold, the nugget breading rubs off on your fingers in a mealy and grainy way that gives new meaning to the time-honored grade school condition known as “you have cooties,” and tastes strongly – and only – of salt and garlic. The chicken is moist, I guess, but moist only in the sense that it came off as a circle of chewy chemicals and stuff that might have once gone “cock-a-doodle-doo.” Despite its name, I definitely didn’t taste any honey or BBQ flavor.

Warmed up, the nuggets are even worse. The breading becomes soggy and oily, covering your fingers in a mealy and wet substance that’ll make you drop more footballs in a recess pick-me-up game than Terrell Owens dropped in his short-lived preseason comeback bid for the Seattle Seahawks. The heated nuggets taste like, well, heated and overly salted pieces of something vaguely chickeny, with little, if any, taste of honey or BBQ. Instead, there are strong generic garlic and cornmeal flavors in the pinkish, orangeish “breading,” which can’t be overcome by ketchup or a dipping sauce alone.

On a scale on 1 to 10 in terms of the classic middle school lunch tradability matrix, Lunchables Honey BBQ Chicken Nuggets score about a negative six. Meaning that if you’ve got a hankering for the lightly salted rice cakes that the girl on the “diet” has or the fishy smelly thing the kid from Thailand always brings to the table, then you’ve got the golden ticket. Otherwise, these little guys keep to the time-honored Lunchables tradition of making actual 1990s cafeteria food look halfway decent, and making us all question how we survived eating that crap.
 

(Nutrition Facts – 6 nuggets (85 g) – 180 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 420 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 11 grams of protein.)

Item: Lunchables Snackers Honey BBQ Chicken Nuggets
Purchased Price: $3.98
Size: 9.8 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Civil disobedience in the lunchroom. No heating required. Avoiding starvation due to healthy public school lunches. Great if you like trading your lunch away for rice cakes.
Cons: Absolutely freaking disgusting. Doesn’t taste like BBQ. Or honey. Or chicken. Lacking proper lunch-table trading material. Does actual deep-fried pieces of chicken byproduct an absolute disservice.

“Green, green gasoline. You forgot your ding-a-ling,” was what some my elementary school classmates would yell to me if I ended up with the green lunch tray in the cafeteria. To this day, I still have no idea what it means, but I do know I got the green lunch tray quite often. In order to help me cope with the constant reminder that I forgot my ding-a-ling, I once yelled the rhyme to a boy one grade below me to try to show that I could be an asshole too, but he ended up crying on the spot. I felt bad, so I gave him the cookie that came with my lunch to make him stop crying and I never did it again.

If only Oscar Mayer had Lunchables back when I still occasionally wet my bed. I wouldn’t have gotten the green tray and I wouldn’t have cupped my balls so much in elementary school to make sure I didn’t forget my ding-a-ling anywhere. Also, I wish hip-hop was mainstream in the early 1980s, then my groin cupping wouldn’t have made me look like a kid who enjoyed touching himself, instead I would’ve been a poser.

I’m trying to imagine what my elementary school life would’ve been like if I had the new Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables. I’d probably living large and in charge with all the honeys in Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears t-shirts around me wanting a little taste of either the mini turkey and cheddar sub sandwich, mini Nilla Wafers, Tree Top Applesauce, Tropical Punch Kool-Aid or the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo.

The mini turkey and cheddar sub measured in at four inches long and two inches wide. The turkey had a smokey flavor, the cheese looked like it was government-issued and the bun, which was made with whole grain, was soft and little chewy, but not stale; the mini Nilla Wafers were as tasty as regular Nilla Wafers; the sweet Tree Top Applesauce gave me something to flick with the included red spoon; the packet of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid added to the 6.5 ounce bottle of water had a slight artificial sweetener taste; and the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo was frickin’ huge and way more than enough for the tiny sub sandwich.

The Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables is a beast of a feast for those who have just reached puberty and below. The flavor of the sandwich was decent, even with the fat free mayo, and the addition of the applesauce helped make it a decent rounded meal, but its price seems a bit high and I probably wouldn’t buy it for my child, if I had one. Although it would prevent my kids from getting the green tray and because it has so much food, they could tease another kid for having the green tray and easily give them the Nilla Wafers when they start crying.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables
Price: $4.69
Size: Big enough for a growing child
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty meal for a kid. Decently rounded meal. Sub sandwich was not bad. Bread wasn’t stale. Applesauce represents fruit group. 100% vitamin C. Comes with a drink. Comes with a red spoon. Prevents kids from getting the green tray.
Cons: Pricey. Fat free mayo packet was frickin’ huge. Cheese looked like it was government issued. Have to keep refrigerated. Making a kid cry. Being a poser. Having to cup my groin to ensure I didn’t lose my ding-a-ling.

There’s a nine-year-old out there who thinks the Oscar Mayer Lunchables Grilled Chicken Wrapz is the greatest muthafucking thing ever. Okay, if that nine-year-old was a drunken sailor, then they would probably think that, but I don’t totally agree with that rum-filled, foul-mouthed kid.

This kid-sized meal consisted of wheat tortillas, grilled chicken breasts, ranch sauce, and mild taco sauce for two wrapz. It also included a fun-sized Nestle Crunch bar and the greatness beverage in pouch form EVER, a fruit punch Capri Sun. Out of all the things that were included, I was the most excited about the Capri Sun, because I enjoy products from the 1980s, I get to stab something with a plastic straw and not get arrested for it, and there’s only one Capri Sun. It’s great tasting fun when you punch open one.

The Capri Sun was the most exciting thing about this Lunchables, but the grilled chicken wrapz were the main entree. With most Lunchables that contain chicken, it isn’t required to heat the chicken before eating since it is already pre-cooked. If I were a parent feeding it to my child, the cold chicken would probably bother me, but as a thirtysomething-year-old male without children who is hungry, it doesn’t really bother me at all. A degree from the Universidad de Taco Bell isn’t necessary to put a wrap together. All you do is lay out the tortilla, spread out some chicken, squirt some ranch sauce, drizzle some taco sauce, roll it up, and then hope some schoolyard bully doesn’t threaten you for it before you eat it.

The tortilla was a little tough since it’s been refrigerated, and again, it was a little weird eating cold chicken, but overall the chicken wrap was decent because who knew that ranch sauce combined with taco sauce would taste surprisingly good. It’s definitely better than most FDA regulated school lunches and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich your mom made with love and kindness.

Since it is a meal made for kids you might be wondering whether or not it could fill up an adult who doesn’t mind the shame of eating a Lunchables. If you’re on the smaller side, this Lunchables might be filling, but if you’re Michael Phelps, you’re probably going to need to eat ten of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 390 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 50 milligrams cholesterol, 750 milligrams sodium, 56 grams carbohydrates, 1 gram dietary fiber, 25 grams sugar, 19 grams protein, 0% vitamin A, 50% calcium, 4% vitamin C, and 15% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Lunchables Grilled Chicken Wrapz
Price: $3.49
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better than most FDA regulated school lunches. Good source of protein. Fruit punch Capri Sun. Easy to put together. Combination of ranch sauce and taco sauce was surprisingly good. Fun-sized Nestle Crunch Bar. Products from the 1980s that are still here today.
Cons: Good source of sodium. Tortillas were a little tough. It’s weird eating cold chicken. Not filling for Michael Phelps. Drunk nine-year-olds. Stabbing people with plastic straws and getting arrested for it. Replacing plural S’s with Z’s.