Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

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Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

I’m sorry, baby!

I’m sorry I called you a tease. I didn’t mean it. I also didn’t mean to call you sick and sadistic. My emotions just got the best of me. I know you can only be a grocery store and not the supermarket I dream of in my head.

I thought going to another grocery store would be a better fit for me, but it wasn’t. I found out that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. It was a horrible experience.

It costs $4.50 for a gallon of skim milk at the other grocery store. You offered it to me for $3.50. Also, they only had TWO checkout registers open and one was the 10 items or less register. I had to wait in line. I know you would never let that happen to me.

We broke up over something stupid. It wasn’t even worth it and I see that now. Those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, which I did find at the other grocery store, was such a stupid reason for me to think there was someone better than you. You’ll probably laugh at me when I tell you this, but I had to pay $3.25 for those Pop-Tarts. I know you wouldn’t have charged me that much.

The chocolate frosting and cookie dough filling of those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts weren’t even that good, frozen or toasted. It definitely wasn’t as delicious as the S’mores and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts that you sold to me.

I now know I’m an unemotional shell who never took into consideration your feelings. You made me feel special, but I now see that I never made you feel as special.

What can I do to make it up to you?

I can get another savings card to replace the one I cut up. I can buy 12 yogurts for $7.80. I’ll wait in your parking lot and tackle anyone who tries to steal your shopping carts. Or I’ll bag my own groceries. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.

I promise I’ll never leave you again.

Just give me one more chance.

Item: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $3.25
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not the best Pop-Tarts I’ve had. I miss you.
Cons: Didn’t meet the hype that I created for it. I’m an asshole.

REVIEW: Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts

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Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts

The national grocery store chain I shop at is a tease.

There I said it!

She’s a tease and if she keeps doing it, I’m going to have to do my shopping at another grocery store. Sure I have to pay a little more for things, but a man can only take so much.

She teases me with her voluptuous “Buy One, Get One Free” deals. Or her sexy “10 for $12.00″ deal. Sure I don’t need twelve boxes of Kleenex, but it’s 10 for $12.00!

She tells me things that get me so excited, but always lets me down. For example, for weeks there’s been a place for those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts with a “Coming Soon” label. Every week when I come in to shop I expect to see some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts, but every week I’m met with the same old “Coming Soon” label.

My emotions aren’t some kind of game you can play with. Don’t play games with me!

What kind of sick and sadistic grocery store are you? Teasing me with your 2 for $4.00 sale on Pop-Tarts, but not having the Pop-Tarts I really want. I’ve had to settle for the S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.

Sure the S’mores Pop-Tarts were good and the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts were really good, with its fudge flavored crust, white vanilla filling, and whipped cream flavored frosting with colored candy sprinkles that tastes great either toasted or frozen. Sure I have to say that the Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts has overtaken S’mores Pop-Tarts as my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor, but I know that’s just your way of trying to cover up your issues.

How much longer are you going to keep playing games with me? You think I’m some ordinary customer. I have your savings card! I’m a regular customer. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? I thought I was special.

That’s it! I’m through with you. I’m done with your stupid “Buy One, Get One Free” sales. I’m moving on from your “10 for $12.00” deals. I’m cutting up your savings card and I’m going to shop somewhere else.

Why did you have to do this to me? I really believed we had something special.

Item: Hot Fudge Sundae Pop Tarts
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes great frozen or toasted. My new favorite Pop-Tarts flavor.
Cons: It’s not the elusive Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts. My old grocery store is a sick, sadistic tease.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles

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Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough

At first I really thought these Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles were really cool. Not because they were mini Eggo waffles or the fact they were labeled “Limited Edition.” I believed they were cool because I thought if I stuck them in the oven and baked them, chocolate chip cookies would sprout out of them, like leaves on a branch.

Unfortunately when I tried this, all I ended up with were really burnt waffles, smoke, and a really loud beeping smoke detector.

Okay, so there’s no actual chocolate chip cookie dough in the waffles, it’s “naturally and artificially flavored.”

So next someone is going tell me that the cookie dough in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream isn’t “real” cookie dough.

It isn’t?

I could get possible salmonella food poisoning?

So I can’t bake the chocolate chip cookie dough found in ice cream?

No?

Dammit!

Well if these waffles don’t have actual chocolate chip cookie dough, they better at least taste like chocolate chip cookie dough.

Nope, disappointed again. I could taste the chocolate chips, but it tastes much like regular chocolate chip waffles.

What’s next? Is someone going to tell me that soy “milk” isn’t really milk?

It isn’t?

Shit!

Well I’ve learned a few valuable lessons today: (1) I should never judge a product by its name. (2) Eating real cookie dough could possibly kill me.

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles
Purchase Price: $3.89
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No chance of possible salmonella food poisoning because there is no real cookie dough. Vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like chocolate chip cookie dough. DON’T BAKE THEM LIKE COOKIES!!!

Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar

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Froot Loops

Where the hell is Toucan Sam? I want to barbeque his blue-feathered ass.

What’s up with this 1/3 less sugar in his Froot Loops?

Doesn’t Toucan Sam realize he’s ruining the lives of grade school children everywhere? Sending them to school without adequate sugar levels is a recipe for failure in the classroom.

I hate to imagine where would I have been without sugary breakfast cereals? I probably wouldn’t have survived grade school. I wouldn’t have paid attention to my teacher, gotten good grades, completed my math worksheets before anyone else, gotten gold stars on my progress chart, become the tetherball king of the playground, or be able to handle the beating I received for being the biggest nerd, geek, dweeb, and dork.

For me, sugar was like steroids. It made me a better student. Sure I was a little “husky,” but I excelled in school and that’s all that really mattered. It’s better to be a smart “husky” kid than a stupid “husky” kid.

For a while the cereal companies had it right by adding more. They were adding more chocolate, more marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.

But now the trend is to have less. So eventually is there also going to be less chocolate, less marshmallows, and less rainbow fruity colors?

Where’s the neural stimulant that kids are going to need to make it through lunch? They can’t drink coffee, because no grade school child can afford Starbucks everyday.

Despite having 1/3 less sugar than regular Froot Loops, I was surprised that it tastes almost like regular Froot Loops. But still, I wish it had more sugar, some marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It’s where we all get the energy to make it through work and school. For many adults that energy comes in the form of caffeine. For kids, that energy comes in the form of sugar, because I don’t know of any parents that are irresponsible/cool enough to allow their kids to drink soda with breakfast.

So Toucan Sam, please put the sugar back into Froot Loops.

What?

They still sell regular Froot Loops?

Oh, never mind.

Item: Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes just like regular Froot Loops.
Cons: Won’t be able to function without adequate amounts of sugar.

Corn Flakes With Real Bananas

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Corn Flakes With Real Bananas

Growing up, I only knew of two types of cereal: “Icky” and “Yummy.”

“Icky” cereal consisted of Wheaties, Shredded Wheat, Corn Flakes, Total, Bran Flakes, Raisin Bran, and any other healthy cereal that had a doo-doo brown color.

The “Yummy” cereal was anything that had ANY the following: Rainbow colors, marshmallows, chocolate flavor, fun shapes, free toys, puzzles on the back of the box, and enough sugar to keep me hyperactive until lunch.

I avoided “Icky” cereals, but my parents felt like I needed a change in my diet due to the fact I suddenly needed to wear “husky” clothing in the third grade. How did they try to change my diet? They used the age-old, time-tested parenting technique called, “deception.”

They once bought Corn Flakes and tried to pass it off to me as Frosted Flakes. Despite my early-morning-low-blood sugar mind, I realized that it really wasn’t Frosted Flakes. So while they got ready for work, I dumped a few tablespoons of sugar over the Corn Flakes.

Eventually, my parents caught on and started buying me “Yummy” cereal again.

As my age and my fear of diabetes increased, I began to eat less of the “Yummy” and more of the “Icky.”

I slowly began to find out that some of the “Icky” was actually kind of “Yummy.”

Recently, cereal companies have been trying to make the “Icky” cereal less “Icky” by adding real fruits.

These cereals include Berry Burst Cheerios with Strawberries and today’s review subject, Corn Flakes With Real Bananas.

The bananas they put in with the Corn Flakes are real bananas in the form of banana chips. You know, the same kind of banana chips you get from hippy health food stores and the same type you make with the Ronco Food Dehydrator. You know, the Ronco Food Dehydrator, makes banana chips in days, makes beef jerky in days, makes really impatient people want to grab an aluminum bat and give the Ronco Food Dehydrator a beat down.

At first I was skeptical that adding banana chips would make the “Icky” Corn Flakes taste better, but I was pleasantly surprised with how good it was. I don’t know how many banana chips they put in each box, but I could taste the banana goodness with almost every spoonful.

The only problem I had was the corn flakes getting really soggy after a few minutes in the milk, although the banana chips did stay crunchy. After the first bowl, I helped myself to another, thinking the first bowl was a fluke and the cereal couldn’t be this good, but it really was good.

Why didn’t the cereal companies think of this sooner?

Now I know what you all are thinking, since they’re putting bananas in Corn Flakes and strawberries in Cheerios, isn’t it about time they put grapes in Grape Nuts?

Because Grape Nuts are “Icky.”

Item: Corn Flakes With Real Bananas
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Banana chips stay crunchy. Lots of banana chips.
Cons: Corn flakes don’t stay crunchy for long. Would suck without the banana chips.

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