REVIEW: Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers

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Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers

If there’s one thing I don’t have much of other than money, good looks, viable job skills, money, and sexual machismo, it’s a lot of time to spend in the morning just relaxing.  I admire those who are able to savor a leisurely cup of coffee and a scone while reading the New York Times and presumably playing a game of backgammon, but that’s not the life I’ve chosen for myself.  The life I’ve chosen is filled with exchanges like this:

“Daddy I want milk and apple juice and milk in my bowl and Kix in my bowl.” [actual quote]

“You know Daddy doesn’t speak Dictator.”

“Please I can have milk and Kix and apple juice and milk pleeeeeeaaaassee?”

That’s not a complaint — I’ve wanted a small creature chirping pidgin English at me ever since we hosted that exchange student when I was a kid — but it does make every morning a whirlwind of heating bottles, pouring cereal, brushing teeth, reminding someone that we only spit out our toothpaste when we’re over the sink, da–… ang it, and getting out the door.  So something I can eat on the fly is a plus, and doubly so if it gives me a complete meal of eggs, cheese, bacon, and a biscuit in 10 easy bites.  That was enough to make me take a look at Eggo Biscuit Scramblers, like a drunk blearily peering across the bar at last call to figure out just how many… dozen pounds overweight the last female patron is, and whether it’s worth sending over a drink.  Maybe not, but you’ll never know unless you try.  Sorry, that one kind of got away from me.  (NOT based on real events, I’m happy to say.)

The scramblers come in two varieties, with and without bacon, though of course you know which one I picked.  (I don’t feel guilty, I’ve read “Animal Farm.”)  They look pretty similar to a normal biscuit, maybe a bit larger, definitely a little heavier.  The back of the box suggests heating them for 45 seconds, but either that’s inaccurate or my microwave is weaker than my metaphors, because it left parts of the scrambler colder than a really, really, really cold thing.  Personally I found a full minute to be a much better choice.

Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers Innards

Upon cutting one open to snap a picture, I was struck by how the filling layer extended the length of the biscuit but was kind of thin.  You know how sometimes you buy a bismark or jelly-filled donut and it takes like three bites before you get any filling, and how cheated you feel?  The scramblers aren’t as extreme as that (there weren’t any bites with zero filling), but I still could’ve done with a little less biscuit and a little more yum.  For me the biscuit is like the opening act at a concert: they may be pretty good, I might enjoy them, but they’re not why I bought the ticket.

What filling there is is pretty good though, I’ll admit.  The egg and biscuit are definitely the dominant flavors, probably the egg a bit more so.  The cheese is a subtler taste but pervades the entire scrambler, content to play second fiddle to the unborn baby birds.  By contrast, the bacon asserts itself a little more but is frustratingly sporadic.  At times you think “Oh ho, I have you now!” as you chomp down on a meaty mouthful, but other times you wonder if pigs were just declared an endangered species.  I think the issue is that the bacon mostly comes in small flecks rather than big strips.  The total volume may or may not be the same, but it just doesn’t feel as substantial.  As for the biscuit, you won’t be mistaking it for one that came out of Paula Deen’s oven, but it could’ve been a lot worse — it’s not particularly flaky, but it’s reasonably soft and light.

I’d love to tell you that the scramblers are every bit as good as a breakfast sandwich from your favorite fast food joint, but I cannot tell a lie.  Or, well, I can, but then Marvo doesn’t pay me.  The truth is that they’re a reasonably tasty on-the-go morning food, probably a little more filling than a Pop-Tart but every bit as bad for you.  (The calorie count isn’t bad, but check out that sodium.  That’s 27% of your recommended daily value.  BAM!)  Despite not being as delicious, the scramblers are certainly cheaper and more convenient than stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts for a comparable sandwich, so they might be worth it to you anyway.  And if your mornings sound remotely like mine, that just might make the decision for you.

(Nutrition Facts — 1 biscuit — 270 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars, 33 grams of other carbohydrates, and 9 grams of protein.)

Item: Eggo Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit Scramblers
Price: $4.79
Size: 4 biscuits
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Easy to eat while carrying child upside down.  Pidgin English.  Good size.  Filling runs the length of the biscuit.  Acceptable calorie count.  Tasty cheese and eggs, decent biscuit.  Sending over a drink at last call.
Cons: Inaccurate microwave times.  Thinnish layer of filling.  Opening acts.  Uneven bacon distribution.  High sodium count.  Not as good as a fast food breakfast sandwich (though probably not as bad for you either).

REVIEW: Kellogg’s FiberPlus Antioxidants Caramel Pecan Crunch Cereal

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Kellogg's FiberPlus Antioxidants Caramel Pecan Crunch

This being my second straight review involving a fiber-heavy product, a lot of you probably expect me to lay down a bunch of infantile poo jokes.  Well, shame on you for making assumptions, because they make an ass out of you and me.  I promise that will occur only insofar as ALL of my reviews eventually devolve into poo jokes.  But rest assured, I’m not going to go out of my way to drop nuggets of fecal hilarity on you.  That would seem forced, and I’d rather just relax and let things flow naturally.  Okay?



So what we have here is a product aiming to quench my unslakable appetite for cereal, keep me healthy, and keep me, er, regular.  All without making me want to carve out my taste buds with an apple corer.  No small task, but this is an entirely different fiber-based product line from the last one, so it would be unprofessional to just assume it’s going to be bad, and that’s not what we do here at The Impulsive Buy. 

What we DO do is give unbiased reviews, and that starts with visual appraisal.  So I should note that out of the box, FiberPlus Antioxidants Caramel Pecan Crunch appears kind of… meh.  It basically looks like a bowl of Total with some random lumps of randomness mixed in.  The lumps don’t look like anything in particular, just little pellets of, presumably, flavor country.  I don’t know if I expected them to look like those little squares of caramel, but they absolutely do not.  If it is theoretically possible to look like the exact literal opposite of a caramel square, that’s what they look like.  Examination of the box indicates they are, in fact, the pecans, but you probably wouldn’t guess that just by looking at them.

Kellogg's FiberPlus Antioxidants Caramel Pecan Crunch Bowl

Still, as your fourth grade teacher took pains to impress upon you, we judge others not by what they look like, but by how they taste.  And that’s where the Caramel Pecan Crunch both surprises and, if not delights, at least generally pleases, because the flavor is far more palatable and caramel-…y than expected.  Rather than a hint, they seem to have included a smattering, dare I say a dollop of caramel in each flake, and it results in a pretty flavorful cereal.  Don’t get me wrong — it’s not going to overwhelm you with the richness of the caramel, and you’re unlikely to trick yourself into thinking you’re eating pecan pie.  But since I was expecting maybe one step above cardboard if I was lucky, a fiber cereal that has a fair amount of sweetness and actually does taste like what it says on the box is a welcome relief.

There’s no question that any pecan flavor takes a definite backseat to the caramel.  Where the pecans really contribute is in terms of consistency, as even a caramel-flavored cereal runs the risk of getting boring if it’s just flakes.  The pecan lumps both break up the monotony and provide the “crunch” promised in the name.  Admit it, “Caramel Flakes” just doesn’t sound as appealing, does it?  That said, I’d still prefer that they have a more discernible taste presence.  And be warned, Kellogg’s turned down Cap’n Crunch’s generous “protection” offer, so these do get soggy in milk pretty quickly.

I’ll concede it may be benefiting from lowered expectations, but as far as I’m concerned, FiberPlus Antioxidants Caramel Pecan Crunch does all I could ask of it: it’s fairly healthy (by breakfast cereal standards), it helps with that thing we’re all thinking of but I’ve run out of jokes for, and it’s fairly tasty.  That’s a win in my book, so if you’re a caramel fan, you should definitely buy a box and see what you think.
 
(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 170 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 110 milligrams of potassium, 43 grams of total carbohydrates, 9 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugars, 22 grams of other carbohydrates, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s FiberPlus Antioxidants Caramel Pecan Crunch
Price: $3.49
Size: 15.5 ounces
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Healthy cereals that don’t taste like crap.  Real caramel taste.  Decent aroma.  Mysterious “crunch” element helps balance out the flakes.  Flavor country.  Beats other fiber-based products like they stole something.
Cons: Total + unidentified lumps = not appealing.  Understated pecans.  Predictable poop jokes.  Become soggy quickly.  Looking like the opposite of caramel squares.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts

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Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts

When I die, I hope my tombstone doesn’t say, “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts,” even though I have eaten way too many Pop-Tarts.

Oh wait, I’m being cremated, so I hope my urn isn’t etched with “Ate way too many Pop-Tarts” or my body isn’t burned into ashes using a giant toaster oven.

If humans didn’t poop, I would have more variety of Pop-Tarts in my body than any grocery store on the planet. Just look at all the different Pop-Tarts I’ve eaten and reviewed over the years in a convenient linked list that totally looks like a ploy to increase this blog’s page views:

If this list of Pop-Tarts flavors was instead a list of women I’ve slept with, I would be considered a manwhore and probably have/had spread an STD or two. Or three. Or everything that’s listed in the Oxford American Handbook of Clinical Medicine.

The latest Pop-Tarts flavor that has allowed me to add another notch to the side of my toaster is the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts.

If you look at the photo below, you’ll notice Kellogg’s is being very generous by calling these Pop-Tarts “frosted.” There’s no doubt that there’s frosting on top, but instead of a layer of it like with other frosted Pop-Tarts, it’s drizzled on much like you’d find on many actual cherry turnovers. This amount of frosting is equivalent to the amount of skin a Wicked Weasel bikini covers, which is just enough to make you wonder, “Why bother?”

Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts Closeup

There has been a regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts for some time now with a proper layer of frosting on top. I thought the Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts would taste exactly the same. So in order to find out, I increased my chances for Type II diabetes by picking up a box and eating regular Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts.

After tasting both, the difference in flavor reminds me of the time my parents switched my usual Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tarts with Blueberry Pop-Tarts without frosting. Back then, my young taste buds could notice a significant difference. The unfrosted one was less sweet, the blueberry flavor was less pronounced, and the lack of sweetness and flavor made me cry until my parents could produce in front of me a Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart.

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tart is also less sweet and the cherry flavor is less pronounced than a regular cherry Pop-Tart. It’s as if the Pop-Tart’s nearly unfrosted crust doesn’t want the cherry to pop. But when I could taste the cherry filling, it didn’t have any artificial taste to it, which I guess there shouldn’t be since it’s made with real fruit (not only dried cherries, but also dried apples).

The Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts are a disappointment and I’m glad they’re a limited edition. However, if you try them and adore them, don’t fret about them being limited edition. Even though they don’t taste exactly alike, grab a box of regular Cherry Pop-Tarts, scrape off the frosting, steal the frosting packet from a box of Toaster Strudels, drizzle some of it on top of the naked Pop-Tart, and there you go. The limited edition is limited no more.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Cherry Turnover Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.79
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It’s a limited edition. The box might be worth $1.99 in a future eBay auction. Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts. Wicked Weasel bikinis.
Cons: Disappointing flavor. It has frosting, but really can’t be considered frosted. Being burned in a giant toaster oven. The difference between frosted and unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Kellogg’s still making unfrosted Pop-Tarts. Lame attempts to gain page views.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal

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Kellogg's Limited Edition Cars 2 Cereal

If you truly love your children, you will not make them shave a particular area on your body as one of their chores and you will not buy them Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal.

Even if they beg, whine, cry, threaten to run away, tell you they don’t love you anymore, or refuse to shave that small patch of hair on your back you have trouble reaching, you shouldn’t buy this poor excuse for a sugary kids’ cereal.

I don’t care if the cereal would be perfect in your child’s Disney Pixar Cars 2 bowl on top of their Disney Pixar Cars 2 placemat, which is next to their Disney Pixar Cars 2 backpack that has their Disney Pixar Cars 2 folders and Disney Pixar Cars 2 pencils. If you want your children to experience sugary cereals that they’ll be slightly ashamed of eating when they’re in their 30’s, please don’t try to do it with Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal.

There are so many better sugary kids’ cereals you can give your child, like Cocoa Pebbles, Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, Fruity Pebbles, Smorez, Cocoa Puffs, Honeycomb, Trix, Frosted Flakes, Count Chocula…Oh dear, I think I just got a cavity and gained a pound from typing that list.

So what’s wrong with Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal? It’s as boring and confusing as the description printed on its box, which reads, “Frosted Multigrain Cereal with Red-Circled Fun.” I know the “red-circled fun” they’re talking about is the red-colored cereal, but is that really the best way to describe it? Because the only other red-circled fun I can think of are hickeys, and they’re a lot more fun than red-colored cereal.

Kellogg's Limited Edition Cars 2 Cereal in Bowl

The cereal stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time, but it tastes kind of like Cheerios, which isn’t a good thing since when it comes to good sugary kids’ cereals, the boring-flavored Cheerios doesn’t come to mind.

I thought with the red-colored cereal it would have a flavor from a red-colored fruit, like cherries, apples, strawberries, watermelon, raspberries, cranberries, pomegranate…Oh dear, I think I just met the new USDA dietary recommendations by typing that list. However, the Red #40-dyed cereal tastes exactly like the Red #40-less tan cereal.

This is disappointing to me, but I think it’s going to be more disappointing for a child. If they’re regular eaters of sugary kids’ cereals, they’re used to the idea that red-colored cereals have a fruity flavor. So when they put this cereal in their mouth, they’re probably not going to like it and say so using whatever new words they learned on the school playground.

Best case scenario: Crap.

Worst case scenario: What the fuck is this shit?

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (just cereal) – 100 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Disney Pixar Cars 2 Cereal
Price: $3.29
Size: 10.9 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: 12 grams of whole grain per serving. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. If you like Cheerios, it kind of tastes like Cheerios. Giving hickeys.
Cons: It tastes like Cheerios. Red cereal tastes like the tan cereal. Poor excuse for a sugary kids’ cereal. You children learning new vocabulary words on the playground. Won’t satisfy those who like their cereals sweet. Trying to hide hickeys.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle Mixed Berry

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Frosted Mini Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle

Among the many things that I’ve learned to appreciate as I’ve gotten older (e.g. quiet time, foreign beer, green leafy vegetables, a good deal on car insurance), Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats is the newest entry to the list. Believe me, this is a big deal. I HATED THIS CEREAL when I was a kid.

I’d beg my parents to buy the variety packs of Kellogg’s cereal, strictly for the miniature boxes of Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks, but every once in a while, we’d get one that also included a box of Frosted Mini Wheats. That small orange box would remain untouched for weeks until someone (usually my dad) finally ate them.

I was never tempted to eat the Frosted Mini Wheats, mostly because the flavor and texture were too mature for my sugar-addicted tastes. That, and my common-law marriage to Toucan Sam. But now, as an adult, I can appreciate Frosted Mini Wheats for what they are – just sweet enough to be palatable and chock-full of fiber. I even eat them dry. I know, that sounds terrible, like choking down miniature wicker baskets encrusted with powdered sugar. It is almost a thoroughly boring flavor experience, but you can’t beat the crunchiness.

I didn’t really pay much attention to the Frosted Mini Wheats line before, but now that I’ve tasted the Touch of Fruit in the Middle Mixed Berry variety, I’m curious about the others. The new addition has a filling made with “a touch of real fruit.” Don’t worry, it’s the good kind of touch, not the bad kind, and it happens to be mixed berries. It really is a small amount, so don’t expect it to be “jam-packed” with fruit filling (no pun intended… or WAS IT???). The cereal’s overly descriptive and awkward name makes me wonder if Kellogg’s intends to release a series of fruit flavors soon, and if so, have raspberry and blueberry already been represented here? I nominate strawberry and apple next. Peach and lemon can go to hell.

Frosted Mini Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle In A Bowl

As I mentioned before, the texture of the cereal is VERY crunchy, almost like eating twigs, which would totally gross me out if it weren’t for that fact that I topped mine with vanilla almond milk and stevia crystals. The boost of sweetness really helped take the edge off, especially once the shredded wheat biscuits themselves starting soaking up the milk and softening. The mixed berry-flavored filling reminded me of the filling in Kellogg’s Raspberry Nutri-Grain cereal bars. In other words, it was nothing really special. The sensation of biting into the crispy, fibrous shell and tasting a soft, jam-like center was unusual, to say the least. Maybe this is what happens in the wild when animals chow down on tree bark to find sticky sap and grubs. Disgusting visual, for sure, but in those animals’ minds, how different is that from this cereal?

Frosted Mini Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle Middle

Despite the strangeness of the whole experience for me, I didn’t hate my bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle Mixed Berry cereal. In fact, I went back for more. It’s clear to me now that my palate has matured to the point of being able to tolerate the crispy-bordering-on-tough texture and the low level of sweetness, both of which I firmly rejected as a kid. Maybe the fruit filling is Kellogg’s way of throwing the sugar-addicted child in all of us a bone and saying, “Hey, you may be spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars paying off utility bills and smartphone data plan charges every month, but at least your taste buds still work!”

(Nutrition Facts – 21 biscuits/1.9 ounces – 190 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 90% iron.)

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle Mixed Berry
Price: $2.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Quiet time. Cereal that is chock-full of fiber. Common-law marriages to cartoon mascots. Touch of real fruit enhances what would probably be a very boring cereal. Great at soaking up milk.
Cons: Awkwardly-named breakfast item. Eating twigs. Mixed Berry filling tastes like same filling in Nutri-Grain bars. Sticky sap and grubs. The Bad Touch. Bills, Bills, Bills. Don’t expect a lot of fruit filling.

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