Dear Jack,

I’ll get straight to the point with this letter. Please stop making new menu items, because I believe Death by Jack in the Box is no way to go. Your big white head that speaks telepathically might say that I have the option to choose between eating and not eating your food, but from a quasi-product review blog editor’s prospective, that’s not an option, because just like flies to shit, the lure of an intriguing new product will always direct me to your drive-thru, such is the case with your Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger.

Please give your R&D people a break. I thought there were only so many things one could do with burgers, but your hard working R&D people have proven me wrong time and time again. They’ve put so many things in between buns that they probably would make the kinkiest gay German porn star blush.

With the influx of new Jack in the Box products recently, like the Hearty Breakfast Bowl, Cheesy Macaroni Bites, and Pita Snacks, it makes me wonder if your R&D department is a perpetual pregnant woman and their vagina has been stretched out so much that new ideas just fall out of them whenever they stand up.

I’m not sure how they conceive your products, and I really don’t want to see an awkward video of the fast food birds and the bees, but I’m kind of glad they gave birth to the very tasty Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, which is made up of a beef patty topped with a cheddar cheese sauce and sliced jalapenos in between a bun.

The jalapenos gave the burger a nice heat, but not enough to think I might have contracted a burning sensation from a drunken starlet. The cheddar cheese sauce added nicely to the burger’s flavor and was as gooey and as radioactive in color as I would expect. Perhaps the only real negative about the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger was its size, which I thought was kind of small, but then I remembered that I paid a reasonable buck and a half for one.

With that kind of ringing endorsement of the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, you would think I would want more new products to try, but my body can only take so much and I think it’s nearing its limit of Jack in the Box food. So Jack, please cut back. I don’t want a heart attack.

Sincerely yours,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – Nutrition facts not available on website or I just couldn’t find them.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jason for recommending the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger. If anyone else wants to recommend something, please make sure it’s a salad or something that won’t give me high blood pressure.)

Item: Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger
Price: $1.49 ($1.29 everywhere else)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty. Jalapenos gave it a good kick, but not too much of a kick. Reasonably priced.
Cons: Kind of small, so it probably won’t make a good lunch by itself. My attraction to new products that are probably bad for me. I couldn’t find nutritional information. Death by Jack in the Box.

The new Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl looks like it got hit repeatedly with an ugly stick, followed by a magic spell from the wand of the ugly fairy, and then given an ulgy gift by Ugly Claus. But it also is the perfect storm of breakfast, with its waves of scrambled eggs, flood of white cheddar cheese sauce, downpour of shredded cheddar cheese, hail of sausage balls, torrent of bacon pieces, and the thunder of golden hash brown sticks. It may look like something that comes out of you rather than something that goes in you, but the Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl is one tasty mofo…as long as you close your eyes while eating it.

The combination the Jack in the Box cuisine creators constructed with their Hearty Breakfast Bowl is just about perfect. Nothing overpowers each other, although I have to admit I didn’t know it had bacon until I read that it had hours later. The cheese was nicely melted, the hash brown sticks were slightly crunchy, and the eggs were mostly fluffy. The use of small balls of sausage, bacon pieces, and long hash brown sticks helped ensure you can taste almost all of the ingredients with every bite. With all of those flavors combined it’s like I had an inexpensive Las Vegas breakfast buffet in my mouth, except without the old people holding up the line.

The somewhat small size of the bowl the Hearty Breakfast Bowl comes in, which is about five inches in diameter and 1.75 inches deep, makes it seem like it is not so hearty, but one bowl satisfied my manly, hair-chested hunger and probably raised my blood pressure and cholesterol to levels my future cardiologist would say they shouldn’t be at. I guess the Hearty Breakfast Bowl is appropriately named for something that does that to my heart. The plastic bowl also seemed to be reusable, since it states that it is microwave safe and dishwasher safe, which is good because the plastic it’s made out of is difficult to recycle (#5).

The Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl is the breakfast I wish I could make in the morning, if I had the time, ingredients, and the kitchen full of people I could demand to make it for me. Thankfully, every Jack in the Box has all of those things and they also can make it during anytime of the day, since they serve breakfast around the clock, although it will probably be just as ugly as the one above. It’s a good thing I have paper bags to cover it while I have at it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl – 780 calories, 60 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 7 grams of trans fat, 445 milligrams of cholesterol, 1350 milligrams of sodium, 430 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbs, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 26 grams of protein, and thanks to Ryan.)

(Editor’s Note: I originally gave this an 8 out of 10, but I didn’t know the nutrition facts, until reader Ryan pointed them out. After I found out that it has 7 grams of trans fat, I decided to knock down the score to 7 out of 10, because having 7 grams of trans fat just isn’t right.)

Item: Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl
Price: $3.89 ($2.99 most other places)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It’sa damn good. The breakfast I wish I could make in the morning. Flavors don’t overpower each other. Use of sausage balls, bit of bacon and hash brown sticks helps ensure all the ingredients are covered in every bite. Available 24 hours a day. Container is reusable, microwave safe, and dishwasher safe.
Cons: A very unhealthy 7 grams of trans fat. Looks like it got hit with an ugly stick again and again. It’s probably bad for you. Bowl may seem small to some. Didn’t notice the bacon. Container’s plastic is hard to recycle (#5).

What are you doing, Jack in the Box? Are you going all healthy on us with your Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie? Whatever you’re doing, stop it! Because it’s freakin’ me out!

It’s like I’m in an alternate universe where Jumbo Jacks, Big Macs and Whoppers are healthy, while vegetables and organic foods are bad for you. It is also a universe where Jared is still the spokesperson for Subway, except Subway makes sub sandwiches the size of actual submarines, and Jared weighs 700 pounds, doesn’t know where his penis is, looks like Jabba the Hutt, and hasn’t moved his ass off of his couch since 1999.

Actually, there weren’t any nutritional facts on the Jack in the Box website right now so it’s hard for me to know if they’re healthy or not. (Editor’s Note: Nutritional facts are down below) This worries me because fast food joints have the ability to turn something healthy into something that’s not, like salads and adults collecting kids meal toys. For all I know, this fast food smoothie might be the most unhealthiest thing on the face of the Earth and they deep fry the bastard when no one is looking. But what I do know for sure is that the Real Fruit Smoothies are made from Minute Maid fruit juice and non-fat frozen yogurt, which sounds somewhat healthy to me, but then again I believe I can get all my daily vegetable servings from eating a full sheet of carrot cake.

Don’t expect the Jack in the Box Real Fruit Smoothie to be like anything you would get from Jamba Juice or Robeks. Jack in the Box only uses fruit juices, while the two smoothie specialists uses a combination of real fruits, fruit juices, free boosts, and fancy smoothie names usually reserved for girly, fruity alcoholic beverages which I enjoy for a few sips, then pass out, and then either wake up pants-less in some stranger’s bed or pants-less in the middle of the orangutan exhibit at the zoo.

The Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie had a fruit taste that didn’t seem natural, but then again the idea of a strawberry-banana juice seems unnatural. If I squeeze an orange, I’m going to get orange juice. If I squeeze a banana, I’m going to get baby food and stink eyes from monkeys. There was an artificial sweetener taste to it, so perhaps that’s where the unnatural taste came from.

Overall, the Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie was decent and was what I expected from a fast food joint. It’s definitely not something I would get my daily servings of fruit from, because for that I would eat an entire apple pie, but I think that it’s probably healthier than a deep-fried Jack in the Box Oreo Shake.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 210 milligrams of potassium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 57 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Strawberry Banana Real Fruit Smoothie
Price: $3.89 (16 ounces)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with non-fat frozen yogurt. Enjoyed the satisfying crunch of the coarse ice crystals. Possibly healthier than a Jack in the Box Oreo Shake.
Cons: Had a slight artificial sweetener taste. Strawberry-banana juice seems unnatural. No nutritional facts on website. Getting stink eyes from monkeys, because flying poop is soon to follow. Waking up bottomless in the middle of a zoo exhibit spooning a primate. The power of fruity, girly alcoholic beverages.

Ladies and gentlemen. I am about to do something amazing right now. I am going to eat the Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger here in front of you in one sitting. I know what you’re thinking. You’re looking at the burger and thinking to yourself that it seems like an easy feat to accomplish, like beating a five-year-old at arm wrestling or making out with Tila Tequila.

But let me tell you that this here burger is no mere burger, ladies and gentlemen. The Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger features a seasoned sirloin patty on a bakery-style bun with bacon, American cheese, fried onion rings, and a BBQ sauce. This burger has the ability to make nutritionists cry, turn the obese obese-er, and make an Olsen twin look pregnant if eaten whole. Now watch as I stick this burger in my mouth.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself that sticking the burger into my mouth didn’t look too hard, but let me tell you that this burger had the capacity to make many things hard, like my arteries and Jack’s cock since these pricey sirloin burgers are making him a ton of money. Let me take another bite from the burger.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Ladies and gentlemen. I have taken several bites from the Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger and it appears that I have not been affected by it, but the truth be told, that I have been deeply affected by it. When I am done with this burger, 1,010 calories, 49 grams of fat, 5 grams of trans fat, 2,190 milligrams of sodium, and 91 grams of carbs will have entered my body. To rid myself of all of this, I am forced to do something extreme, called exercise. Let me partake in another bite from the burger.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, it is difficult to completely consume this burger, because it is very bland. Despite all of its ingredients, none of them were noticeable. The BBQ sauce was very light in flavor, the onion rings had no taste, and the sirloin patty was disappointing. If this burger actually tasted good, I wouldn’t feel so bad about risking my health for it. It’s like I would have sex with Tara Reid, if I knew by doing so, she wouldn’t make anymore movies. Let me take another bite from the burger.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

I give up! Uncle! Uncle! I am sorry to disappoint, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, I am unable to consume the entire burger within one sitting. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat tofu and rice for the rest of the week to detox.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 1,010 calories, 49 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, 5 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of cholesterol, 2,190 milligrams of sodium, 690 milligrams of potassium, 91 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 52 grams of protein, and 1,000 grams of regret.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to yawnie and dramastically for suggesting this burger. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.)

Item: Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Sirloin Burger
Price: $7.19 (small combo)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Hearty burger. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Having sex with Tara Reid if it means she would no longer do any acting.
Cons: Motherfucking unhealthy. Lack of vegetables that aren’t deep fried. BBQ taste was almost nonexistent. Onion rings didn’t add anything, except a crunch. Making out with Tila Tequila.

Kona Coffee is known worldwide as one of the best varieties of coffee. To reach that level of excellence, you may think there’s something special about the town of Kona, like it’s a magical place where coffee beans rain down from the sky and the wonderful smell of coffee lingers like the aroma of urine in every public stairwell.

You may think the beans are collected by little men called Menehune who come out of their tiny grass huts at night and each bean is carried on a donkey-shaped cloud to a magic grinder that uses the bones of unicorns to turn the coffee beans into a fine dust for the world to enjoy. Sadly, I’m here to let you know that Kona is not the magical coffee heaven on Earth that you may think. Kona is just like most towns.

There’s a Wal-Mart, Kmart, multiplex movie theater, Costco, Home Depot, Borders, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant, Hard Rock Cafe, a couple of Starbucks, a variety of national fast food restaurants, and there used to be a shitty Sizzler. Also, the coffee isn’t picked up by Menehune, it’s picked off of trees by Filipino immigrants.

So what makes Kona Coffee good?

I don’t know, but whatever it is I wished the new Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake had some of it. I’m a big fan of Jack’s Oreo Shake, which I order whenever I want to add a second chin or another dimple on my ass, but I don’t feel the same way about this creamy coffee-flavored milkshake. The coffee flavor was noticeable, but not strong enough for those who have Starbucks flowing through their veins. I didn’t really think it tasted like Kona Coffee, but it did taste like all the faux Kona Coffee products I’ve tried over the years.

Another problem I had with the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake was its thickness. I couldn’t get that thickness into my mouth, not even with my vacuum-like oral sucking skillz. I sucked and sucked, but it was hard to get the creamy goodness into my mouth. After awhile, all that sucking just made my mouth sore and I waited for that thickness to get soft before I tried sucking it again. When it did get soft, I was able to suck it dry.

But I really wished I also had the option to spoon the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake.

Item: Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake
Price: $3.09 (regular-sized)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mah oral sucking skillz. Cool. Creamy. If you like the fake Kona Coffee taste, you’ll like this. Jack in the Box Oreo Shake. Costco. Real Kona Coffee. Spooning.
Cons: Coffee flavor was light. The aroma of urine in every public stairwell. Thickness of milkshake was a little too thick for my mouth. Kona is not a magical place.