Over the past few weeks, something disturbing has been appearing in my dreams. No matter how hard I try, it’s an image I can’t get out of my head and it’s been causing me to wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat.

No, it’s not Nancy Grace’s nipple. Although, now that I’ve brought it up, it’ll probably start materializing during my REM sleep as well.

The image that’s been appearing regularly in my dreams, and turning them into nightmares, is the woman at the end of the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger/Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich commercial who yells, “Ride that spicy chicken!” If you haven’t seen the commercial, it’s embedded below:

There’s something about her that scares me. It could be her teeth. It could be her eyebrows. It could be the way she said her line in the commercial. Or it could be the way I think her mouth is going to unhinge when she tries to eat that Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich in her hand. Whatever it is, it’s made me not want to try the Jack in the Box Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

But I figured since I already reviewed the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger, I should complete the fast food bifecta and also try the Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

The sandwich is made using a spicy crispy chicken filet topped with onion rings, cheese, hickory smoked bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, and bourbon BBQ sauce on a sesame seed bun. It uses the same chicken patty that comes with Jack’s regular Spicy Chicken Sandwich. I don’t consider the patty very spicy. To me, it has a very mild heat. It’s noticeable, but I don’t feel the need to have any cool liquids handy when I eat it.

Just like the Outlaw Burger I tried, there wasn’t a lot of BBQ sauce on my Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich, which was disappointing since it’s the best part of the sandwich. The slices of bacon were a little crispy and added some flavor, the onion rings need to be improved, and the cheese provided very little flavor. But overall, the Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich is good and I’ll be sad to see it go since it’s a limited time offer.

Actually, I take that back. I’ll be glad to see it go because that means I’ll won’t have to see the Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich commercial anymore.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 771 calories, 294 calories from fat, 32 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 82 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,859 milligrams of sodium, 648 milligrams of potassium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 37 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Price: $7.98 (combo)
Size: Medium combo
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good chicken sandwich. BBQ sauce is good. It’s got vegetables. Has a nice heft to it. Good source of protein. Completing a fast food bifecta.
Cons: Spicy chicken patty not as spicy as I would like. Needs more BBQ sauce. Onion rings need to be improved. Nancy Grace’s nipple. The end of the JITB Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich commercial.

Eating the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger really does make me feel like an outlaw, if being an outlaw means not listening to the recommendations of my doctor who says I should avoid eating things like the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger.

YEEHAW!

If you happen to find yourself at a Jack in the Box, you can rustle either the Outlaw Burger, Outlaw Spicy Chicken Sandwich, or if sodium intake is no object, both. I chose the Outlaw Burger because, according to a t-shirt I read, real outlaws eat beef. Also, according to t-shirts I’ve read, a lot of women are bitches.

YEEHAW!

The Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger is constructed using a beef patty topped with onion rings, two slices of American cheese, hickory smoked bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, and bourbon BBQ sauce on a sesame seed bun. Jack in the Box claims the Outlaw Burger is new, but I think Jack getting hit by a bus in 2009 made him forget the Outlaw Burger was originally introduced in 2006. Even though this blog was around then (when it and I were much skinnier), I never tried it.

In a previous review, I mentioned I didn’t think too highly of Jack’s bourbon BBQ sauce, but for some strange reason I like it in the Outlaw Burger. Although, I do wish the person who made my sandwich squirted on a little more BBQ sauce.

Despite the inadequate BBQ sauce squirtage and ordinary Jack in the Box beef patty, I really enjoyed the Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger. There were decent-sized bacon strips, which were, surprisingly, crispy and provided a little smoky flavor. The onion rings added a bit of crunchiness, but the onion flavor could’ve been stronger. As for the two slices of American cheese…well, they allow the burger to contain four of the five USDA food groups and, looking at the photo above, they’re also the glue that prevents the onion rings and bacon from falling out of the burger.

YEEHAW!

The Outlaw Burger is probably one of the better tasting burgers Jack in the Box currently offers. Sadly, it’s only available for a limited time. So while it’s here, I’m going to ride with an Outlaw Burger, and maybe die with an Outlaw Burger.

YEEHAW!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 725 calories, 39 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 72 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,558 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Outlaw Burger
Price: $7.98 (combo)
Size: Medium combo
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: One of the better tasting burgers at Jack in the Box. OMG! The bacon actually turned out decent. Bourbon BBQ sauce with this burger. Eating it makes me feel like an outlaw. YEEHAW!
Cons: Needed more BBQ sauce. Onion rings needed to bring more flavor. Not new. Contains trans fat. Great source of sodium and saturated fat. Pulling quotes from Lonesome Dove.

For me, breakfast for dinner means serving myself a bowl of some cereal that’s either rainbow-colored or chocolate brown and watching on my computer, and in my pajamas, old episodes of Spongebob Squarepants I bought via iTunes. But now I can enjoy the new Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter while I watch Spongebob Squarepants in my PJs.

Just look at the conglomeration of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins in the picture above. If that doesn’t fill you up, remind me to never treat you to self-serve frozen yogurt at places that charge by the ounce. The items in a Jumbo Breakfast Platter sound like they could replace some of the gifts in the song, “Twelve Days of Christmas.”

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
What looks like 12 scrambled eggs
11 Pipers Piping
10 Lords-a-Leaping
9 Ladies Dancing
8 Mini Pancakes
7 Swans-a-Swimming
6 Geese-a-Laying
5 Hash Brown Sticks
4 Colly Birds
3 French Hens
2 Pancake Condiments
And a greasy sausage patty.

Of course, this changes slightly if you order the Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Bacon, which I instantly decided against, because I have yet to find a fast food place that fries up decent bacon slices.

Now some of you might be thinking that this conglomeration of carbohydrates, fats, and proteins is unhealthy. But, I believe everything is fine in moderation, and the Jumbo Breakfast Platter isn’t as bad as what Burger King and McDonald’s offers. A Jumbo Jack Breakfast Platter has 747 calories, 47 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1,168 milligrams of sodium. However, a McDonald’s Big Breakfast with Hotcakes has 1090 calories, 56 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, and 2,150 milligrams of sodium, while a BK Ultimate Breakfast Platter has 1310 calories, 72 grams of fat, 26 grams of saturated fat, and 2,490 milligrams of sodium. But, again, everything is fine in moderation, even the BK Ultimate Breakfast Platter.

As you can see in the photo above, someone at Jack in the Box doesn’t know how to make good scrambled eggs, but they tasted fine. And so did everything else. The mini pancakes were soft; the sausage patty had a wider circumference than other fast food sausage patties; and the hash browns, being in stick form, were easy to dip in ketchup. Overall, the Jumbo Breakfast Platter is a tasty, filling, and inexpensive meal. I paid $3.99 for it, but most participating locations not on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean sell it for $2.99. At either price, the Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter is a bargain.

However, there’s a way to make it better.

Using the mini pancakes as buns, I stacked half of a hash brown stick, some of the scrambled eggs, and a fourth of the breakfast sausage patty to make a mini breakfast sandwich, which I dipped into the container of Log Cabin syrup. It was damn good and it was as if sugar and salt were consummating their marriage in my mouth.

Sadly, I won’t be able to enjoy it for very long, since Jack in the Box’s Jumbo Breakfast Platter is around for a limited time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 breakfast platter with sausage – 747 calories, 426 calories from fat, 47 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 438 milligrams of cholesterol, 1168 milligrams of sodium, 586 milligrams of potassium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: Jack in the Box Jumbo Breakfast Platter with Sausage
Price: $3.99
Size: Lots of food
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tasty greasy breakfast. Filling. Soft mini pancakes. Wide sausage patty. Helluva lot of scrambled eggs. A good bargain. Making mini breakfast sandwiches.
Cons: Limited time offer. Eating just a bowl of cereal for dinner. Treating people with big appetites to self-serve frozen yogurt at places that charge by the ounce.

Indecisive people must HATE Jack in the Box.

If I was indecisive, I’d take one look at the vast menu board, feel completely helpless, and then weep. And if the cashier told me I could also choose something from the breakfast menu at two in the afternoon, I would fall to my knees, put my hands on top of my head while it shakes side to side, and then yell, “There’s so much to choose from, I don’t know what I want! Please help me!”

By the time I stopped yelling, Jack in the Box probably would’ve added something new to the menu since it expands faster than the waistlines of those of us who eat Jack in the Box food. Seriously, Jack in the Box is the Cheesecake Factory of fast food chains. Did you know they have funnel cake?

Anyhoo, Jack’s latest addition to the menu board that makes the indecisive pull their hair out is the Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich, which is made up of steak strips, grilled onions, cheese and Jack’s new Bourbon BBQ sauce in between two slices of grilled artisan bread.

Of course, my first thought when I heard about the Bourbon BBQ sauce was whether or not it contained alcohol. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, but my extremely low tolerance for alcohol, plus my urge to take off pieces of clothing when alcohol is in my system would be an accurate way to find out.

After eating the entire sandwich, no article of clothing was removed, so it seems there’s no alcohol in the BBQ sauce. Although my taste buds could’ve told me that, since the BBQ sauce tasted like any run of the mill sauce. This was disappointing because I hoped it would taste more like licking a drunk than licking a designated driver.

As for the rest of the sandwich, the steak strips were surprisingly tender and there were a lot of them. The grilled onions were a nice touch and complimented the steak well. The cheese seemed to be there to only to act as a glue to make sure the steak strips and onions don’t fall out of the sandwich. The artisan bread wasn’t crispy, it was a little soggy with chewy edges. But at least it wasn’t as greasy as Jack’s other Grilled Sandwiches.

So if you’re an indecisive person staring at the Jack in the Box menu board, I want to let you know that the Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich was a good sandwich, but I expected more from the featured ingredient, the Bourbon BBQ sauce.

You know what? After rereading that last sentence, I realized it probably won’t help you come to a decision. I’m sorry. You should start weeping now.

(Nutrition Facts – 595 calories, 206 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 2022 milligrams of sodium, 495 milligrams of potassium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 33 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Bourbon BBQ Steak Grilled Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (small combo)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but could’ve been better. Steak strips were tender. Cheese keeps steak strips from falling out. Grilled onion complimented the steak. Bread wasn’t greasy.
Cons: Bourbon BBQ sauce was disappointing. Artisan bread wasn’t crispy. Cheese brings nothing to the table, flavor-wise. An indecisive person staring at a Jack in the Box menu board. The nudity that follows when alcohol is in my system.

I don’t enjoy Jack in the Box’s fries, because I find them to be sticks of golden brown boredom. My palate thinks they’re not salty enough, not potato-ey enough and they somehow make me cry, like I’m watching Toy Story 3.

When I do end up at the box Jack built, I always order the curly fries instead. But sometimes they mess up my order and I end up with their regular fries. When this happens I get extremely angry, and, I swear, when it happens again I’m going to buy a gigantic white plastic sphere; cut a hole in it; draw a mouth and angry eyes on it; glue on a pointy nose; put it over my head; walk into the Jack in the Box that messed up my order; ask for the manager; then demand they switch my regular fries for curly fries; and, if they don’t, I’m going to threaten to fire all of them.

Because I dislike Jack in the Box’s regular french fries, I wondered if they would be tolerable in the forms of Jack’s new Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries.

Both fry varieties consist of a small serving of Jack’s regular fries, which are topped with either a cheese sauce or a cheese sauce with crumbled chorizo sausage. Personally, I wish Jack in the Box called them “potato nachos,” but according to Urban Dictionary, the term has already been used in a different, and surprisingly, non-sexual way.

The Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries look like what I imagine my arteries would look like if I were able to turn them inside out after eating the Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries, while the Chorizo Cheese Fries look like a Frankenfood made by a drunk guy at one in the morning that combines the seasoned ground beef and cheese sauce from Taco Bell with Jack in the Box’s crappy regular fries.

The cheese sauce that’s dumped on top of the Cheesy Fries tastes like cheddar, and it surprisingly makes Jack’s fries a little more than tolerable. Although, I wish they were drowning in cheese sauce or at least waterboarded a few times with cheese sauce, because I believe Jack’s fries need to experience a cheesy death or, if waterboarded, near death.

But if you’re planning to experience either of these new fries, I’d suggest coughing up the extra scratch to pick up the Chorizo Cheese Fries. The slightly spicy flavor of the chorizo sausage is what makes these fries stand out. It’s like eating chili cheese fries, except greasier, however, with the same level of guilt. Just like with the Cheesy Fries, I wish there was a bit more cheese sauce, since the cheese flavor was a bit lacking, although not an amount that drowns or waterboards.

Since the Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries are extremely messy if eaten the same way one eats regular fries, Jack conveniently provides forks. If they don’t provide utensils, might I suggest buying a gigantic white plastic sphere; cutting a hole in it; drawing a mouth and angry eyes on it; glueing on a pointy nose; putting it over your head; then walk into the Jack in the Box that didn’t give you forks; ask for the manager; demand they give you forks; and, if they don’t, threaten to fire all of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Cheesy Fries – 504 calories, 262 calories from fat, 29 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 23 milligrams of cholesterol, 1145 milligrams of sodium, 511 milligrams of potassium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar and 11 grams of protein.)

Other Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Junk Food Betty

Item: Jack in the Box Cheesy Fries and Chorizo Cheese Fries
Price: $1.99 (Cheesy Fries)
Price: $2.69 (Chorizo Cheese Fries)
Size: ???
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Cheesy Fries)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chorizo Cheese Fries)
Pros: Both make Jack’s fries more than tolerable. Both need more cheese sauce. Chorizo Cheese Fries are really good. Spiciness of the chorizo sausage. Pretending to be Jack Box. Toy Story 3.
Cons: Jack in the Box fries. Chorizo makes Chorizo Cheese Fries a little too greasy. Jack in the Box messing up my order. Jack in the Box forgetting to give you utensils. Constructing a Jack Box head.