REVIEW: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez

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The ice cream novelty market is always looking for new items to entice children. These products can make any school-aged kid annoy the shit out of their parents when they beg for them, and they cause junk food review bloggers to cream in their pants. But there needs to be something that stands out amongst the space-aged pellets, superhero heads with gumballs for eyes and ice pops shaped like phalluses writing instruments.

Besides ice cream, what food item do kids (and weird looking birds) go cuckoo for and that’s only for them and not white, anorexic rabbits? You got it — breakfast cereal.

The Philly Swirl Cereal Conez is the bastard offspring from the sticky lovemaking between a complete sugary breakfast and a pre-packaged ice cream and cone combo. If I wore a hat, I would tip it to Philly Swirl. Why you ask? Because there is no cereal in Cereal Conez. Instead, they got rid of the middleman, struck a deal with that pot o’ gold loving ginger and topped the cones conez with the marshmallows that are found in a certain cereal that claims it’s lucky. The next thing I want to do, is ask Philly Swirl how can I get a bag of these packing-peanut textured marshmallows without having to sift through pieces of cereal, because everyone buys Lucky Charms for the marshmallows.

Although I do love dehydrated, colorful, and ill-shaped pieces of sugar, I really wish that the Cereal Conez had cereal on them, because it would provide a crunchy texture to compliment the creamy ice cream and compensate for the somewhat soggy cone.

If cereal was added, think of the marketing possibilities. Bran Conez could be for those who need some fiber in their desserts and Frosted Shredded Wheat Conez could be for those who get off on eating adorable little mascots. I don’t think they would call them conez though, because we all know that when you slap a Z on something it’s targeted towards kids, or it’s a product from a certain gas station/fast food eatery.

There’s two flavors in the box: Chocolate Marshmallow Swirl (more like chocolate vanilla swirl) and Vanilla, but there’s no way of picking which flavor you want, because the cones are all wrapped the same way in white paper with no text. When you disrobe the cone and become excited or depressed, which depends on whether or not you received the flavor you wanted, you are greeted with a mound of “magical marshmallows” that dominates the top of the cone. It’s certainly eye opening, but it’s lousy because the first four bites or so is all marshmallow and no ice cream.

After that, it’s just a standard ice cream cone novelty, but one that’s tasty because the inside of the cone is covered in chocolate. However, by the time you reach that point, the thrill of devouring the leprechaun’s beloved “magical marshmallows” is all but a distant memory.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cone – 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez
Price: $2.59
Size: 4 cones
Purchased at: The Big Blue Supercenter
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Lots of “magical marshmallows.” Ice cream is rich and smooth. Size of each treat is bigger than I expected. Chocolate inside of each cone. Those novelties with gumball eyes. Telling the Trix rabbit he can’t have the cereal he so desperately wants.
Cons: No way to tell which flavor is which. Marshmallows aren’t “magical” enough. Cone is a little soggy. Only four in a box. Doesn’t actually contain cereal. Adding Z’s are so 90’s.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie

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Ben & Jerry's Hannah Teter's Maple Blondie

I don’t think I’ve ever met a flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that I didn’t like, even their new Limited Batch Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie. I don’t know if I like them all because I’m high or because they’re high. If I were high, I’d think anything tastes awesome. But I think it’s them who are high, because I don’t get high and I believe the only way anyone could create the flavors they come up with is if they’re under the influence of a little marijuana, or as they probably call it in Vermont, where Ben & Jerry’s headquarters is located, Burlington Buzz.

If this is the case, I imagine the conversation that eventually led to the creation of Maple Blondie went something like this:

(NOTE: The following conversation would be a lot better if you imagine Cheech and Chong having it.)

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Hey man, I wanna make an ice cream for Olympic gold medalist Hannah Teter.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: What? You want to make a bong out of a heater?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: No man, an ice cream for Hannah Teter. She’s from Vermont, man.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Oh yeah, man. That would be awesome. What should we put in it?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: I don’t know. Let me think about it while I smoke a bowl.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Aw man. I’m gonna do the same thing.

Five minutes later

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Hey man, what are we doing?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: I forgot. Naw, naw, man. I remember. We wanted to make a flavor for Hannah Teter.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Aw yeah man. That’s right.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: She’s from Vermont, so we should put in things that Vermont is known for.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: So what is Vermont known for?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Burlington Buzz?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Naw man, we can’t put Burlington Buzz in an ice cream. Burlington Buzz only goes great with brownies.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Oh man, we should put brownies in the ice cream.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Oh, that’s sweet, man. But we still need to add an ingredient Vermont is known for.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Burlington Buzz?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Naw man, we can’t do that. I need to think about this. Pass me that bong we made from that Vermont maple syrup bottle.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Aw man, remember we broke it when we were partying with Phish. But I have another bottle. All we have to do is get rid of the maple syrup in it.

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #1: Man, we should use that maple syrup in an ice cream. Maple ice cream would be good. What should we mix with the maple ice cream?

Ben & Jerry’s Worker #2: Burlington Buzz?

Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie consists of maple ice cream with blonde brownie chunks and a maple caramel swirl. The maple ice cream by itself has a mild flavor, but when eaten with the maple caramel swirl, it reminds me of a Werther’s Original butterscotch candy. The blonde brownie chunks, which I wish there were more of in the pint, have a brown sugar flavor to them. They also add a chewy and very slightly gritty texture to the ice cream.

Overall, the Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie is a very good ice cream that’s a great representation of Vermont — from the sweetness of the maple syrup to how cold it can get in the area. It’s an ice cream that Burlington Buzz smokers will love.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 240 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie reviews:
On Second Scoop
Hamburger Calculus

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Hannah Teter’s Maple Blondie
Price: $3.99
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Maple ice cream with the maple caramel swirl tastes like a Werther’s Original. Brownie chunks provide a nice chewiness. Made from cows that aren’t treated with rBGH. Proceeds go to help Teter’s charity, which helps a village in Africa. Making a bong out of a maple syrup bottle.
Cons: Not enough brownie chunks. Maple ice cream itself has a mild flavor. Might be too sweet for some. Forgetting what you’re trying to accomplish.

REVIEW: Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream

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I wish the company Lovin’ Scoopful would change its name to Spoon Lovin’ because I just want to lie down next to their Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream with my chest facing its curved back and then stick my spoon in it. I’ll keep thrusting my spoon into it and scooping out pleasure until I’m satisfied, or sick, creating a creamy mess on my bed.

Of course, changing its name to Spoon Lovin’ would cause immature bloggers everywhere to giggle and somehow tie in Spoon Lovin’ with spooning — the sexual position.

A tub of the Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is packed with churned light caramel ice cream, caramel-filled chocolate cups and fudge ribbons. The use of churned light ice cream allows it to contain half the fat of regular ice cream, but not taste like light ice cream, which usually tastes like it was made of milk from the udders of anorexic cows.

Speaking of cows and milk, the dairy used in this ice cream comes from bovine that haven’t been treated with rBST, otherwise known as recombinant bovine somatotropin, an artificial growth hormone used to increase milk production in dairy cattle. Some folks also call rBST, Really Bad Shit from a Teat.

The Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is frickin’ delicious. The caramel ice cream was creamy, although not a creamy as premium ice cream, and had a strong caramel flavor. When it’s combined with the chocolate cups and fudge ribbon, it creates a euphoric flavor that makes me want to dance with a dairy cow in the middle of a cocoa bean rainstorm.

I love the way the fudge ribbon melts in my mouth, creating a gooey sensation. If I were a male stripper, I’d pour a tank of that gooey fudge in a kiddie pool, dive in it and charge willing women $300 to lick it off of me…and then return their money because they choked on my body hair, which I would forget to shave off before diving into the fudge.

The Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is not only damn good, it does some damn good. Twenty-five percent of Lovin’ Scoopful’s profits go to help the Special Olympics and other causes.

That’s just another good reason for me to keep spooning this ice cream.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 160 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream
Price: $4.99
Size: 1.75 quarts
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Frickin’ delicious. I’d spoon it. 25% of profits go to help the Special Olympics and other causes. Half the fat of regular ice cream. Uses milk from cows that weren’t injected with an artificial growth hormone. Spooning.
Cons: Contains high fructose corn syrup. Losing money because I forgot to shave body before jumping into fudge. Really Bad Shit from a Teat.

REVIEW: Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream

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Surprisingly, in real life, the Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream looks very similar to the picture on the box. This is a rare occurrence. For years, companies have always tried to make their products more appealing in photos than they are in real life, except some Ralph Lauren ads.

Each box of this product contains two paper bowls with a hefty splooge of brownie batter and two cups with chocolate chip and butter fudge topped ice cream cups. Preparing the dessert is so easy that a Jessica Simpson could do it, but the “Ready In 45 Seconds” claim on the box isn’t quite correct, unless you have the quick hands of a world champion masturbator, because the bowl of batter needs to be microwaved for 35-45 seconds, which doesn’t leave much time to push the ice cream out of its cup, with the butter fudge side down, and onto the warm brownie.

The ice cream and brownie by themselves aren’t at all special, but just like the Wonder Twins, the awesomeness doesn’t happen until they give each other a fist bump. Unfortunately, I’m the one who had to say, “Form of a tasty dessert that’s not restaurant quality.” With the butter fudge on top of the warm brownie, it melts to a nice gooey consistency, while keeping the ice cream from melting too quickly.

When the brownie and ice cream are combined, the Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream is a delightful, decadent dessert, although I wish they used better ingredients. The flavor is dominated by chocolate, but that’s never a bad thing, unless you’re being waterboarded with chocolate milk. The brownie was a little too moist for my tastes, but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t let it cool down first. But if I let it cool down, the butter fudge won’t melt.

Oh, if only all catch-22 situations involved chocolate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 dessert – 340 calories, 17 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 8% calcium and 10% iron.)

(NOTE: On Second Scoop also reviewed it)

Item: Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delightful dessert. Reasonably priced. Looks similar to what’s on the box. Catch-22 situations that involve chocolate.
Cons: Brownie and ice cream aren’t high quality. High is saturated fat. Being waterboarded with chocolate milk. Photoshopped models.

REVIEW: Kemps Mint Chip IttiBitz

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About 14 years ago, the local movie theatre near my childhood home added something new and unusual to their regular food lineup of lukewarm hotdogs, jumbo-sized sodas and the extra-large popcorn that I’m pretty sure was enough to feed an entire farm; from the little chicks to the overweight farmer and his wife.

Dippin’ Dots was the “space-aged” item that all kids (myself included) begged their parents to get before they went into the theatre to see Disney’s highly inaccurate version of Pocahontas, or some other G-rated movie that didn’t contain all of the shit I would learn to love later on in life, including using the word “shit.”

Dippin’ Dots were hard to find, very expensive, and so cold they would freeze your tongue, thus not being able to taste the flavor after the first spoonful. It’s now 2009, and Dippin’ Dots clones can be found everywhere, from vending machines in outlet malls to freezer cases at mini-marts. After seeing the Kemps IttiBitz in the freezer section, I figured it would be good to maybe go back to my childhood and experience something I haven’t had in over a decade.

Right off the bat, Kemps IttiBitz gets one point over Dippin’ Dots in the name category. IttiBitz sounds like the nickname given to the president of your local chapter’s Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I applaud Kemps for honoring those who lack in the boobage department. I would say, “Stay strong my sisters!”, but I haven’t been in the IBTC since middle school.

The IttiBitz were very mint chocolate chip-y, but the missing ingredient were the actual chips; I guess the little brown pellets were to make up for that, but for me it really didn’t. When the bitz melted in my mouth, they revealed a very creamy, full-bodied taste of mint chocolate. Surprisingly, the ice cream has some substance to it; it’s not watered down at all.

Besides having to physically bang the entire cup to separate the frozen beads that clump together, the only other downfall with Kemps IttiBitz was the same problem I had with its predecessor fourteen years ago — frozen tongue syndrome.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 160 calories, 11 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 8% calcium.)

Item: Kemps Mint Chip IttiBitz
Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Size: 1 Cup
Purchased at: Hannaford Supermarkets
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cryogenically frozen ice cream = Freakin’ awesome. Creamy texture. Inexpensive alternative to Dippin’ Dots
Cons: Cryogenically frozen Walt Disney = Freakin’ creepy. Serving size is a little small. Needing Lactaid. Frozen tongue syndrome. High in fat.

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