REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Target Exclusive Flavors (Berry Voluntary & Brownie Chew Gooder)

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Target’s exclusive Ben & Jerry’s flavors — Berry Voluntary and Brownie Chew Gooder — are supposed to promote volunteerism. But the only things Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has encouraged me to do are: buy more of it, exercise so that I don’t get fat from eating it and not let the dishes pile up in the sink so that I will always have a clean spoon handy to eat their ice cream.

Now I don’t have time to volunteer because my Hulu and Netflix Instant Watch queues are extremely long. Seriously, this season of ABC’s Wipeout isn’t going to watch itself. It’s also going to take time away from the 12 hours a day I spend in front of a computer, writing reviews and watching cat videos on YouTube. However, because I was on my computer while eating both of these flavors, I visited the volunteering website printed on each of the one pint tubs: VolunteerMatch.org.

When I searched for volunteer opportunities on my rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I mostly found posts about hosting exchange students from other countries, which I am even less inclined to do because that means I would not only have to give up time, but also space. And I have no space to give because my rental agreement says I can’t have the following things in my apartment that start with the letter P: pets, plants and phoreign exchange students.

I guess I just don’t have the heart for volunteering. Or maybe the saturated fat in all the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream I eat is clogging my heart, which is preventing me from volunteering.

Now I feel bad about it. But do you know what makes me feel better?

Ice cream.

But the only ice cream I have are the Berry Voluntary and Brownie Chew Gooder, and if I eat them I’ll feel good for a little while, but then feel bad because they remind me that I’m not volunteering. It’s a vicious cycle of yum and guilt.

Of course, to get rid of the guilt, I could just sign up to volunteer for something, like help clean a beach or work at a soup kitchen. Or I could blame Target and Ben & Jerry’s for not giving a portion of the profits from each ice cream sold to a worthy cause, which would allow me to make a difference by eating their ice cream in front of my computer in only my boxer briefs.

If that were the case, it would encourage me to buy more of both flavors. But just promoting volunteerism doesn’t cut it because I think both flavors are two of the least exciting Ben & Jerry’s flavors I’ve tasted.

Berry Voluntary consists of raspberry cheesecake ice cream with white chocolatey chunks and raspberry swirls. There’s definitely a tart cheesecake flavor to it, but at times I swear it tastes like a milder version of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. The white chocolatey chunks don’t do much to enhance the ice cream’s flavor. All they seem to do is get in the way of my spoon, like big rocks do when serial killers bury bodies in their backyard. It’s a good flavor, but not good enough to encourage me to buy it again, if I have the option of choosing between it and Cherry Garcia.

As for Brownie Chew Gooder, it’s made up of vanilla caramel ice cream with fudge brownies and a caramel swirl. It’s also good, but not one of Ben & Jerry’s best. Some of the brownie pieces in the ice cream were frickin’ big one inch squares, and they were chewy, but not the good kind of chewy you’d expect in an ice cream. They’re a little grainy and tough to bite through. The caramel ice cream and caramel swirls make the whole thing taste a little cloying. With all of that caramel, perhaps Brownie Chew Gooder should be renamed to Goody Too Much Caramel.

Get it? Goody Two Shoes…Goody Too Much Caramel.

Oh my goodness, I’ve had too much sugar.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – Berry Voluntary – 250 calories, 12 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 6% vitamin C. Brownie Chew Gooder – 250 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Target Exclusive Flavors (Berry Voluntary & Brownie Chew Gooder)
Price: $4.14 each
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Berry Voluntary)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Brownie Chew Gooder)
Pros: Both are good, but not Ben & Jerry’s best. Berry Voluntary at times tastes like Cherry Garcia, but also has a nice, slightly tart cheesecake flavor. Brownie pieces in Brownie Chew Gooder are frickin’ big. Hulu and Netflix Instant Watch. Ben & Jerry’s ice cream encouraging me to exercise and wash dishes.
Cons: Two of the least exciting Ben & Jerry flavors I’ve tasted. Brownie Chew Gooder can be a little cloying due to caramel ice cream and caramel swirls. Brownie chunks in the Brownie Chew Gooder were a little tough. White chocolatey chunks in Berry Voluntary did little to enhance flavor. My ability to come up with Ben & Jerry flavor names. My unwillingness to volunteer.

REVIEW: Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert

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If almonds could strive for goals, or dreams, if you will, I wonder what they would want to achieve. Some would probably have the simple wish to be covered in chocolate with coconut in an Almond Joy candy bar. While others would desire to end up in almond milk.

Of course, if I were an ambitious almond, I would attempt to become ruler of the world by threatening to release the cyanide I naturally contain.

Another worthy goal for almonds would be to end up in the gluten-free Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert. Why? Because there’s something virtuous about giving people who are allergic to gluten or lactose intolerant a frozen dessert that doesn’t give them diarrhea or kill them.

Although it looks like ice cream and comes in a container that usually contains ice cream, the Almond Dream Chocolate Frozen Dessert isn’t ice cream. Of course, the reason why it’s not ice cream is because it lacks bodily fluids from a cow. Unless the ingredient carrageenan is the scientific name for another cow bodily fluid that isn’t milk, and which I won’t specifically name, but instead will leave to your imagination to figure out which one I’m talking about.

Since it lacks milk or cream, the Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert doesn’t have the same texture as ice cream. Sure, it’s cold and stiff like the contestants who get booted off first from Dancing With The Stars, but it’s also kind of like a fudgsicle/Jello Pudding Pop and it’s slightly chewy.

However, there’s an upside to not having milk or cream, beyond it being lactose-free. Without any dairy it’s also significantly lower in saturated fat than real ice cream. The Almond Dream Frozen Dessert has only one gram of saturated fat per serving. That’s significantly less than ice cream, which has anywhere between five grams to holy shit that’s half of my daily recommended intake of saturated fat.

The Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert has a decent chocolatey flavor with, for some strange reason, a slight cherry aftertaste. It’s not bad, but to me it doesn’t have the tendency to make me forget will power exists like regular ice cream does. So if you’re someone whose used to regular chocolate ice cream, you’ll probably want to stick with the stuff made with cow bodily fluids.

However, if you’re looking for an alternative to ice cream because you’re lactose intolerant, allergic to gluten, believe Ben & Jerry are conspiring to kill you via their ice cream, or you think Tofutti is fuckin’ bullshit, the Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert is a good choice.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 190 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Almond Dream Chocolate Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert
Price: $5.79
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent chocolate flavor. Good replacement for ice cream if you’re allergic to gluten or lactose intolerant. Made from real almonds. Significantly lower in saturated fat than ice cream. Source of polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. A particular cow bodily fluid.
Cons: Has a slight cherry aftertaste. Not creamy like ice cream. Threatening the world with the cyanide you contain. Being too lazy to look up the word carrageenan. A particular cow bodily fluid.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster

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The main ingredients that make up the hoity-toity dessert, Bananas Foster, is bananas, vanilla ice cream and the warm sauce that tops it all. Sounds good, right? But that’s not the best part. The sauce is made from butter, brown sugar, dark rum, and banana liqueur. That sounds even better, but that’s not the best part. The best part is when the alcohol is added and it ignites like an outdoor Weber grill filled with lighter fluid-soaked pieces of charcoal.

As you can see, Bananas Foster is a dessert made with ingredients that all sorts of folks will enjoy. Sweet tooths will love the ice cream, alcoholics will love the rum, monkeys will love the bananas and pyromaniacs will love the fire. Unfortunately, the Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster Ice Cream doesn’t include the fiery theatrics of the dessert it attempts to emulate, but it does have the bananas, sugar AND rum.

Yes, there is actual rum in this concoction, but it’s listed at the bottom of the ingredients list, which means you’ll get diarrhea way before you get drunk if you attempt to get hammered with this ice cream.

The Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster Ice Cream is made up of two components: banana ice cream and brown sugar rum swirls. It smells like banana bread, but tastes like heaven, if the clouds in heaven were yellow and they rained brown sugar and cinnamon and occasionally spritzed rum. The banana ice cream has a strong flavor, but thankfully it isn’t artificial, like most of Heidi Montag’s body. The banana, brown sugar, cinnamon and rum create an awesome, creamy combination that will help you forget about an ex-boyfriend or any other stereotypical scenario seen in movies or on television where eating ice cream is used to help one cope or as encouragement for children to be victorious in the sport they are participating in.

I can’t say whether or not this ice cream tastes like Bananas Foster because I’m too poor to eat at any of the fine dining establishments that offer the dessert and, just like cavemen and mummies, I’m terrified of fire.

However, if Bananas Foster tastes just as titillating as the Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster Ice Cream, I’ll look forward to the day when I can afford to eat at a fine dining establishment, be called “sir” by the employees, drink out of real crystal glasses that make noises when glide my finger around the rim and, after building up some courage, order Bananas Foster — with a side order of fire extinguisher.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 240 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster
Price: $3.99
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Smells like banana bread. Banana ice cream doesn’t have an artificial taste. Creamy good. Will help you forget about exes and encourage children to be victorious in sports, if you believe what you seen on television or in the movies.
Cons: Can’t get drunk off of the rum in the ice cream. This ice cream doesn’t have any fiery theatrics. Only available until December. Doesn’t come in a full pint size. Heidi Montag before her plastic surgery. Heidi Montag after her plastic surgery. Fire.

REVIEW: Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwiches

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The Klondike Bar is an American frozen treat icon that has been helping generations consume more than 50 percent of their daily recommended intake of saturated fat for almost a century. It’s the 800-pound gorilla of chocolate-covered ice cream treats, which got to 800 pounds thanks to Klondike Bars.

It’s hard for a company to equal a product that has helped many gain cellulite in unflattering areas and has caused a number of people to post videos on YouTube showing what they would do for a Klondike Bar, but Klondike is going to try with their new Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Each square-shaped sandwich is made up of peanut butter-flavored light ice cream with a peanut butter and chocolate flavored swirl and chocolate chips between two chocolate wafers. They’re smaller than regular Klondike Bars in both size and the amount of saturated fat. An original Klondike bar has 11 grams of saturated fat, while this sandwich has three grams. However, I’m sure if the Klondike Sandwich was coated in a thick chocolatey shell, it would have a lot more saturated fat and would probably be awesome.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwiches don’t have a thick chocolatey shell and without one they’re not very impressive, or in Klondike marketing speak, there isn’t anything I would do for a Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwich. Wait. Actually, if the apocalypse were upon us and I had to do whatever it takes to stay alive, I’d kill a man for one and then eat the man I just killed, followed by the ice cream sandwich for dessert.

The flavor of the peanut butter ice cream was non-existent, like Kate Gosselin’s abilities to dance and to not look like a pushy bitch. The only peanut butter I could taste were from the peanut butter and chocolate swirls, which didn’t have any chocolate flavor and were more like globs than swirls. The chocolate chips did provide a different texture, but not much flavor. Thank goodness for the chocolate wafers, which not only brought the chocolate, but also were quite durable and didn’t stick to my fingers like the wafers do with other ice cream sandwiches.

Overall, I expected something a little bit better from Klondike. Their Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches aren’t worth getting fat over.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 200 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Peanut Butter Chocolate Klondike Sandwiches
Price: $3.99
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Uses light ice cream. Less saturated fat than a regular Klondike Bar. Durable chocolate wafers. The Original Klondike Bar. Being the 800-pound gorilla.
Cons: Peanut butter ice cream had no flavor. Swirls were globs. Globs didn’t have any chocolate flavor. Not worth getting fat over. Kate Gosselin’s inability to dance and to not look like a pushy bitch.

REVIEW: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez

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The ice cream novelty market is always looking for new items to entice children. These products can make any school-aged kid annoy the shit out of their parents when they beg for them, and they cause junk food review bloggers to cream in their pants. But there needs to be something that stands out amongst the space-aged pellets, superhero heads with gumballs for eyes and ice pops shaped like phalluses writing instruments.

Besides ice cream, what food item do kids (and weird looking birds) go cuckoo for and that’s only for them and not white, anorexic rabbits? You got it — breakfast cereal.

The Philly Swirl Cereal Conez is the bastard offspring from the sticky lovemaking between a complete sugary breakfast and a pre-packaged ice cream and cone combo. If I wore a hat, I would tip it to Philly Swirl. Why you ask? Because there is no cereal in Cereal Conez. Instead, they got rid of the middleman, struck a deal with that pot o’ gold loving ginger and topped the cones conez with the marshmallows that are found in a certain cereal that claims it’s lucky. The next thing I want to do, is ask Philly Swirl how can I get a bag of these packing-peanut textured marshmallows without having to sift through pieces of cereal, because everyone buys Lucky Charms for the marshmallows.

Although I do love dehydrated, colorful, and ill-shaped pieces of sugar, I really wish that the Cereal Conez had cereal on them, because it would provide a crunchy texture to compliment the creamy ice cream and compensate for the somewhat soggy cone.

If cereal was added, think of the marketing possibilities. Bran Conez could be for those who need some fiber in their desserts and Frosted Shredded Wheat Conez could be for those who get off on eating adorable little mascots. I don’t think they would call them conez though, because we all know that when you slap a Z on something it’s targeted towards kids, or it’s a product from a certain gas station/fast food eatery.

There’s two flavors in the box: Chocolate Marshmallow Swirl (more like chocolate vanilla swirl) and Vanilla, but there’s no way of picking which flavor you want, because the cones are all wrapped the same way in white paper with no text. When you disrobe the cone and become excited or depressed, which depends on whether or not you received the flavor you wanted, you are greeted with a mound of “magical marshmallows” that dominates the top of the cone. It’s certainly eye opening, but it’s lousy because the first four bites or so is all marshmallow and no ice cream.

After that, it’s just a standard ice cream cone novelty, but one that’s tasty because the inside of the cone is covered in chocolate. However, by the time you reach that point, the thrill of devouring the leprechaun’s beloved “magical marshmallows” is all but a distant memory.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cone – 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Philly Swirl Cereal Conez
Price: $2.59
Size: 4 cones
Purchased at: The Big Blue Supercenter
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Lots of “magical marshmallows.” Ice cream is rich and smooth. Size of each treat is bigger than I expected. Chocolate inside of each cone. Those novelties with gumball eyes. Telling the Trix rabbit he can’t have the cereal he so desperately wants.
Cons: No way to tell which flavor is which. Marshmallows aren’t “magical” enough. Cone is a little soggy. Only four in a box. Doesn’t actually contain cereal. Adding Z’s are so 90’s.

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