Honey Bunches of Oats are the sweatpants of the cereal world. The comfy ones that you wore just about every day in college/high school that are now kinda faded and torn and orange from that time you put too much bleach in the washer, and your mom keeps telling you to throw them out, but you never will (“We’ve been through too much together!”).

They’re simple, no-fuss, and as basic as they are beloved, and it was with that in mind that I yoinked this shining blue beacon of Bunches from a Target shelf for review.

For the uninitiated, Honey Bunches of Oats is a blend of flakes and oaty clusters that came to the public consciousness in the prime of the late 80s at a time of big hair, cheap lip balm, and Apple computers.

Since then, variations on the classic have surfaced, some for a limited time, and others, sticking around for permanent residence on store shelves. And it seems Post really wants to put a good run for this Greek Honey blend, which holds tight to the classic flakes while replacing the traditional cluster with a not one, but two yogurt-inspired clusters: one uncoated and one coated in palm oil and powdered Greek yogurt cultures, which sounds like a sea monster from a B-level horror flick…

But all fears of being eaten by powdered cultures are pushed aside as, upon breaking open that nitrogen-infused baggie, it smells of sugar, BHT, and confidence.

If this were a car show for Honey Bunches of Oats, this would be the pimped up purple sports car with no muffler, chrome rims, and Superman wheels called the Boom Shacka-Lacka.

Whatever those powdered cultures are, they sure do taste good. Although there’s not much of the trademark sour-cream-like tang I find in real Greek yogurt, the clusters, both coated and uncoated, nail a special fake-vanilla-and-honey sweetness. The coating tastes a bit like a less-sweet Oreo frosting, which is certainly nothing to complain about, but it can get overpowering after a while. The clusters themselves are dense and lovable, even if they’re far too sparse and a little small. They somewhat remind me of amoebas.

I was tickled to find that some of the coated clusters were smooshed. Smooshed clusters are the cereal embodiment of rebellion: the cluster escapee that somehow snuck through factory inspection and made it in. The more smooshed clusters, the better…which makes me think it’d be cool if Post [or any other cereal company, for that matter] composed a cereal called “Mistakes” in which they put all their conjoined/too big/funky looking/otherwise rejected chunks of cereal in one bucket.

I mean, just look at the towering fella on the left: he’s got personality.

But strongly opinionated product development suggestions aside, the flakes remain true to the classic, tasting more of straight sugar than floral honey, and hold a trademark crisp. For cereal analysts, they’re less dense than the flake you’ll find in Smart Start or even Special K, and are quite similar to the flakes in their main competitor, General Mills Honey Nut Clusters. At times, I would argue these flakes are wimpy (and they really show it when put in milk for more than 1 minute and 48 seconds), but, when dry, they taste of crisp honey-wheat shavings and offer a contrast to the denser granola. It makes it easy to eat a whole bag and provides a roller coaster for your teeth, which fills a niche as there’s really a lack of dental-themed roller coasters. Such a shame.

Some days you need to sit on your rump and watch a movie marathon. Other days, you need to whip out the power drill and repair your roof. It is on the latter of these days that you’ll need a breakfast with a lot of energy, and these Honey Bunches have you covered. With 230 calories, 47 grams of carbohydrates, and 13 grams of sugary goodness, you’ll have enough whole-wheat-and-sugar spunk to hammer your roof and probably your neighbor’s as well, so bring out the tool kit and your M.C. Hammer mix tape. It’s hammer time.

On the whole, this cereal’s sweet enough to make an angry raccoon tap dance on the ceiling. For a sweet tooth like mine, that’s a good thing. At the same time, this blend has far too few clusters and lacks the woodsiness provided by the cinnamon/pecans/toasted oats of other bunches that usually sets off that sharp fructose sweetness. I miss that.

But, overall, I have no regrets. Sweetness makes angry raccoons [and me] wanna dance and, at the end of the day, don’t we all need a good dance?

Yes, yes we do. So thank you, Post, for encouraging us to get out and dance.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/58 g – 230 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars, and 5 grams of protein.)

Other Honey Bunches of Oats Greek Honey Crunch reviews:
Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp

Item: Post Honey Bunches of Oats Greek Honey Crunch
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 15.5 oz. box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Two types of clusters. Some clusters are smooshed. Yogurt coating tastes close to Oreo frosting. Great for eating dry. Makes angry raccoons dance. Boom Shacka-Lacka. Hammer time.
Cons: Lots of wimpy, crushed flakes. Not enough clusters. Can get too sweet. Holds up poorly in milk. Powdered yogurt cultures eating my brain. A lack of dental-themed roller coasters. Emotional connections to sweatpants.

Maybe it’s just me, but the combination of banana and blueberry seems weird.

Sure, the alliteration makes them sound like they belong together, but not even Yoplait has used this fruit combination in one of their yogurts. And Yoplait has stuffed almost every interfruity marriage into their conic containers that are impossible to eat out of if you have a large spoon.

Maybe Yoplait doesn’t combine them because when they tried to, it created something so unholy that it caused every Yoplait employee to simultaneously yell out, “sacrebleu.”

Because of my uncertainty with the banana/blueberry fusion, I opened the Post Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Blueberry Fruit Blends cereal with some trepidation. The last time any cereal gave me this much fear was when I ripped open a box of All-Bran cereal to help me with constipation.

Oh wait, there was also that time I ate this cereal while driving to work.

When I tore open the packaging inside the Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Blueberry Fruit Blends box, an aroma that smelled similar to a blueberry muffin wafted out of it. The pleasant aroma did ease whatever fears I had about combining bananas with blueberries and it also made me say, “sacrebleu.”

The cereal is made up of crispy banana flavored flakes and crunchy blueberry flavored granola clusters. However, while all the granola clusters were blueberry flavored, not all of the crispy flakes were banana flavored, which caused some flavor inconsistencies.

Some spoonfuls had a noticeable banana flavor, but to taste the banana with other spoonfuls I had to concentrate hard, as if I’m trying to recall the multiplication table in order to show a sixth grader that I’m smarter than him. And during that time of deep concentration all the crispy flakes turned limp and soggy while sitting in the milk and my head began to hurt. I don’t like having to think when eating cereal. It’s why I don’t solve any of the word find puzzles or mazes on the back of kids cereal boxes or read Highlights Magazine when eating cereal. When I did taste the banana, it was that familiar artificial banana flavor that I know and love from banana flavored candy and Slurpees.

What makes Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Blueberry Fruit Blends really good are the crunchy blueberry clusters. Spoonfuls without them make me want to put down the bowl of cereal, slide it away from me, and then let out a disgusted “nay.” But, thankfully, there were a lot of blueberry clusters. The blueberry flavor was sweet, non-overpowering, and seeped into the milk while I was concentrating on the banana flavor.

Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Blueberry Fruit Blends is a really good cereal. Sure, it has as much actual fruit in it than a strawberry soda, but it’s fortified with a bunch of vitamins and minerals. But despite the lack of fruit and inconsistent banana flavor, I have to say it’s now one of my favorite Honey Bunches of Oats varieties.

Sacrebleu!

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (cereal only) 120 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 18 grams of other carbohydrates, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Blueberry Fruit Blends reviews:
Option Pitch and Waffle Crisp

Item: Post Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Blueberry Fruit Blends
Price: $2.99
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: One of my favorite Honey Bunches of Oats varieties. Smells like blueberry muffins. Blueberry clusters gave the cereal a nice crunch, which makes up for the soggy flakes. Nice blueberry flavor. Contains vitamins and minerals. Blueberry milk.
Cons: Inconsistent banana flavor. Crispy flakes don’t stay crispy for long in milk. Doesn’t contain actual fruit, just natural flavors. Being dumber than a sixth grader.

Just come out and say it, Post.

You’re not 100 percent sure you like Honey Bunches of Oat with Real Apples and Cinnamon Bunches and Honey Bunches of Oats with Banana Bunches. They probably didn’t test well internally, but you’re going to put them out there as limited edition products to see if the general public likes them, and if they do, you’re going to distribute a press release that says they were so popular that you decided to make them permanent members in the Honey Bunches of Oats line.

Or, of course, I could be completely wrong because I’ve got my head so far up the ass of convenience food news that I think I’m able to read between the lines of every new product a company introduces.

I guess I just don’t understand why these two varieties are limited editions because both are much tastier than many of the current permanent Honey Bunches of Oats varieties. **cough** Pecan Bunches **cough** Real Peaches **cough** Real Strawberries **barf**

Both flavors are similar to others from Honey Bunches of Oats’ past. In 2004, Post released Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas, which has been discontinued. If the term “EPIC FAIL” was part of my vernacular in 2004, I would’ve called Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas an EPIC FAIL for its disgusting, milk-absorbing banana pieces. As for a close relative of Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Apples and Cinnamon Bunches, there’s current flavor, Honey Bunches of Oats with Cinnamon Bunches.

Like most Honey Bunches of Oats varieties, these two limited editions come with the standard crispy flakes that quickly get soggy in milk, crunchy oats, and a touch of honey. I’ve never been a fan of getting a touch of honey, and I really wish these two had an inappropriate massaging of honey instead.

The Limited Edition Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Apples and Cinnamon Bunches have a pleasant cinnamon flavor, but not overpowering. That cinnamon flavor, along with the oat clusters, make the cereal taste like a Nature Valley granola bar. I was pleasantly surprised the dried apple pieces didn’t soak up milk faster than a chubby, thirsty cat on a hot summer day and that there were a decent amount of them. Although, they didn’t provide as much apple flavor as I hoped, but what can I expect from dehydrated versions of their former selves. Overall, I enjoyed it and think it should be a permanent member of the Honey Bunches of Oats lineup.

As for the Limited Edition Honey Bunches of Oats with Banana Bunches, I also liked it and think it should be a regular variety available to all, all the time. The bananas are baked into the oat clusters and they give the cereal a mighty good banana flavor. If you like how banana chips taste, then you’re going to like this cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats with Banana Bunches is what the banana-flavored Honey Bunches of Oats should’ve been in 2004.

I may want both these cereals to become regular additions to the Honey Bunches of Oats line, but, of course, it’s not up to me, it’s up to Post. To help, I could create a Limited Edition Honey Bunches of Oats Should be Regular Varieties Facebook Fan Page, but I’m lazy, and I only like these cereals, I don’t LOVE them, which is just like how I imagine Post feels about them.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (just cereal) – with Real Apples and Cinnamon Bunches – 120 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 15 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals. with Banana Bunches – 120 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 18 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a whole lot o’ vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Apples and Cinnamon Bunches & Honey Bunches of Oats with Banana Bunches
Price: $4.49 each (on sale)
Size: 17.5 ounces (with Real Apples and Cinnamon Bunches)
Size: 18 ounces (with Banana Bunches)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10 (with Real Apples and Cinnamon Bunches)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (with Banana Bunches)
Pros: Tasty. Bananas are baked into the bunches. Decent amount of apples. LEHBOOWRAACB tastes like a granola bar. LEHBOOWBB tastes like banana chips. Should be permanent members of the Honey Bunches of Oats lineup.
Cons: Needs inappropriate massaging of honey instead. Soggy flakes. Being too lazy to create a Limited Edition Honey Bunches of Oats Should be Regular Varieties Facebook Fan Page. Limited Edition. My head being so far up the ass of convenience food news.

Raisins are the dark, shriveled Post-It Notes that remind me what happens if I spend too much time in the sun without sunscreen. So I like to have raisins around in the forms of Raisin Bran, Raisinets, and, of course, plain Sun-Maid raisins to ensure I put on some SPF before I go out to do a bit of nude sunbathing.

Thankfully, the folks at Post have given me something new to help remind me to rub on some sun protection — Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley.

The latest Honey Bunches of Oats variety is made up of multi-grain flakes, oat clusters, a touch of honey, and three kinds of raisins. What are the three types of raisins included? Well, in the ingredients list, the three are lumped together into the generic term “raisins.” However, without using any knowledge I gained from my Journalism 151 in college, which I earned a D in, I learned the cereal has three different types of raisins — natural seedless, jumbo seedless, and flame (red grapes).

Basically, Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley tastes almost like what would happen if you were really bored and decided to separate a box of raisin bran into raisins and bran flakes, and then throw the raisins into a box of Honey Bunches of Oats Honey Roasted cereal and feed the bran flakes to the birds that hang out near the car of someone you do not like.

Oh wait, that wasn’t very basic. But this is: Post Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley is damn good.

The multi-grain flakes and oat clusters bring the crunchy, while the raisins bring the chewy. Although, the flakes in Honey Bunches of Oats are notorious for getting soggy quickly, but the oat clusters don’t and they provide a nice crunch when the flakes get milklogged. There were a lot of plump raisins in the box I purchased, and while eating through the box one bowl at a time, I found that most of my spoonfuls had a raisin in it. The three types of raisins pretty much look and taste the same, but that’s fine with me. However, all is not perfect with this cereal. I do wish it was a little sweeter and that instead of having a touch of honey, it had an inappropriate fondling of honey.

Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley is now my favorite Honey Bunches of Oats variety, and it might be one of my favorite cereals of all time. No, Post is not paying me to say that, although if they were willing to pay me for saying that, I’d gladly accept a check made out to “Cash” in an amount somewhere in the neighborhood of $100,000 and the $2.99 I paid for the box.

Personally, I don’t why this marriage between cereal and raisins didn’t happen sooner because Honey Bunches of Oats have been around for over two decades and raisins have been around since someone got drunk on wine and left grapes out in the sun.

During those years of not having Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley, I’ve had to tolerate lame attempts at combining Honey Bunches of Oats with fruits, like Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Strawberries, Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas, and Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Peaches. I have so much disdain for those varieties that they’ve made me want to throw some Honey Punches of Oats at Sugar Bear’s Grape Nuts.

Although I’ve had to wait for it, Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley was worth it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup (cereal only) – 200 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 26 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Post Honey Bunches of Oats Raisin Medley
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 17 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Awesome combination of Honey Bunches of Oats and raisins. My favorite Honey Bunches of Oats variety. Lots of raisins. Being the number one Google result for the phrase “Honey Punches of Oats.” Contains a bunch of vitamins and minerals. Sunscreen.
Cons: Could’ve had a little bit more honey flavor. Getting a D in Journalism 151. Didn’t come out sooner. No real taste difference between the three types of raisins. Feeding birds bran flakes. Sunburn.

Despite the fact that the corn flakes in any Honey Bunches of Oats cereal gets soggy faster than the armpits of the shirt I wear when I go running, I enjoy most of the varieties of Honey Bunches of Oats.

I guess the crunch from the oats make up for the limp flakes or maybe I’m just tired of women passing by me in the grocery store and giving me the you-must-be-a-virgin-look when they see boxes of Froot Loops and Count Chocula in my cart.

While I still like to buy cereals usually loved by eight-year-olds, I’m grateful for Honey Bunches of Oats because it helped me transition over to healthier cereals, like Raisin Bran and whatever wholesomeness Kashi pumps out to get their 7 Whole Grains into our bodies.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches is the latest in a long line of Honey Bunches of Oats cereals. With so many varieties, I guess you can say there’s a bunch of Honey Bunches of Oats. And if you were hanging out with 1980s superduo, Hall & Oates, because you find Oates’ mustache mesmerizing, I guess you could say there’s a bunch of Honey Bunches of Oats, John Oates.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches is by far not horrible tasting, but it doesn’t taste any different than regular Honey Roasted Honey Bunches of Oats. If you were to blindfold me with a Members Only jacket you stole from John Oates, or blindfold me with his huge mustache, and had me eat from a bowl of regular Honey Bunches of Oats and the Pecan Bunches version, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. The pecan flavor is almost non-existent, so I’m wondering if Post actually tried the cereal.

If you’re trying to accomplish a gastronomical equivalent of barhopping by trying to eat every single variety of Honey Bunches of Oats, you should go ahead and eat a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches. But if you love pecan, like I love the feel of melted wax on my skin, you will disappointed.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cups without milk – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches
Price: $5.39
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not horrible tasting. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. Melted wax on my skin. John Oates’ mustache. Combing John Oates’ mustache. Being the comb that combs John Oates’ mustache.
Cons: Pecan bunches don’t have much flavor. Tastes just like regular Honey Roasted Honey Bunches of Oats. Flakes get soggy really fast. The pitiful amount of honey in it would piss Winnie the Pooh off.