REVIEW: SPAM Breaded Pork Patties

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SPAM Breaded Pork Patties

I had HUGE plans for these SPAM Breaded Pork Patties.

I hoped to top one with pineapple chutney and then put it on a bed of homemade coleslaw with a side of mashed sweet potatoes.

Then I wanted to drizzle another one with a made-from-scratch barbecue sauce, top it with a slice of smoked gouda and coleslaw, and put in a toasted King’s Hawaiian dinner roll.

Another idea was to place it on a bed of steaming rice, smother that with gravy made from SPAM drippings, top all that with a fried quail egg, and then add a side of coleslaw.

However, much like I have no idea why coleslaw is involved with every recipe, I also have no idea how to make chutney, mashed sweet potatoes, barbecue sauce, gravy from SPAM drippings, or coleslaw. So none of my HUGE plans came to fruition.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Curry

Instead, I added them to my Japanese curry, which I do know how to make because it only involves boiling the water the curry mix dissolves in. I also stuck one in a breakfast sandwich for SPAMs and giggles. In both preparations, they were enjoyable.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Frozen

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Baked

The patties, of which there are 18, look smaller than slices one would get from a slab of SPAM, even with the breading. I’m talking width and length. When it comes to thickness, the image on the box doesn’t accurately show how thin they are in real life.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Thin

There are three ways to prepare the frozen patties — oven, stovetop, or air fryer. I went with my toaster oven because my kitchen hasn’t moved into the present with all those fancy doodads, like them Instagram Neti Pots and sous-veni-vidi-vici cookers.

The breading isn’t heavily seasoned, so the porky and slightly greasy SPAM flavor comes through, but it’s dampened a little from the coating. The crust also covers up the pinkness of the processed pork product, which has known to turn off taste buds. The breading also has a satisfying crispiness, especially along the edges, that maintained its texture with curry. In the breakfast sandwich, not surprisingly, it tasted like the canned meat in a breakfast sandwich. Although, the patty looked kind of ridiculous in it.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Sandwich

Of course, if you hate SPAM, these aren’t going to change your mind about the product.

I regularly eat SPAM, but I don’t buy cans of it because the introvert in me hates having to ask store employees to release a few from under lock and key. My consumption comes from pre-cooked foods that have it, like SPAM Musubi or whatever our fast food chains offer.

But these breaded SPAM patties are something I’d buy again because they’re not behind anything to thwart shoplifters, their flavor has that recognizable porky taste I enjoy, they have a crispy exterior, they seem to be versatile, and they’re extremely convenient.

Maybe next time I’ll be more creative with them.

Purchased Price: $9.59
Size: 27 oz./18 patties
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 patties) 290 calories, 22 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 33 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Golden Grahams S’mores Bites

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Golden Grahams S mores Bites

What are Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites?

It’s a bit of food history irony that graham crackers, the base of so many sugary desserts and after school snacks, were originally created as a health food. Sylvester Graham advocated a vegetarian diet consisting mostly of bread made from coarsely home-ground flour.

He theorized a bland diet was essential to not only physical, but moral health as well, and that flavorful food was too, ahem, “stimulating.” Products made from graham flour proliferated in the late 19th century, and would slowly morph into the myriad of crackers, crusts, and cereals we enjoy today.

General Mills has released its latest assault on poor Sylvester’s theories in the form of Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites. Will the combination of marshmallow and chocolate surrounded by a “Graham” cracker pastry be the last straw, the thing that causes Sylvester Graham, who I assume has lived to 225 years due to his healthful diet, take his vengeance on us all?

How are they?

Golden Grahams S mores Bites Cooked

I was surprised to see there were no conventional oven directions for these bites. 20 to 30 seconds in the microwave are the only cooking instructions listed on the packaging. Even this short time results in the filling bursting through the graham cracker shell.

So as to not burn my mouth, I wait a minute before taking a bite and find the filling to be hot, but not scalding. The primary flavor is chocolate, with the marshmallow not making much of an impact at all. The graham cracker shell doesn’t taste much like Golden Grahams or graham crackers, but is a generically sweet pastry shell. They must be baked at the factory because they have the baked-then-frozen flavor shared by other mass-produced baked goods.

Golden Grahams S mores Bites Inside

The soft and doughy texture isn’t a surprise given the microwave-only directions, but is still disappointing since a crunchy texture is essential to the enjoyment of both Golden Grahams and s’ mores.

Is there anything else you need to know?

Another surprise is that these don’t need any cooking at all. According to the packaging, allowing them to defrost to room temperature is all that’s required.

Here’s a question: would Sylvester approve of this?

On the one hand, it’s the more slothful method. On the other, it eliminates the corrupting influence of microwaves, which are no doubt of infernal origins. After about ten minutes at room temperature, I pop a bite into my mouth and have much the same experience as the heated version. There’s the barest hint of honey graham cracker, but the overall experience is still of chocolate and pre-baked pastry.

Though not explicitly recommended anywhere, I also munch into a completely frozen bite. This “solves” the texture issue by adding some resistance, but doesn’t add the crunch I’m looking for.

Conclusion:

Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites are sweet and inoffensive (assuming you’re not a 19th century minister with very particular dietary opinions), but miss out on the combination of crunchy, melty, ooey-gooey goodness that makes real s’ mores great.

We’re safe from Sylvester Graham for now, not because we’re not a fallen, decadent society, but because these bites aren’t worth getting all worked up over.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 14.7 oz. (30 count)
Purchased at: Woodman’s Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (4 bites) 190 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles

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Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles

What are Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles?

From the folks who brought us the Eggo comes Off The Grid which are frozen waffles with 12 grams of complete protein per serving and made with 100% whole grains and cage-free eggs.

I bought the Vanilla Buttermilk ones because it’s the only one my local Target carries. But there are also cinnamon brown sugar and wild blueberry varieties.

How are they?

Although they come from Kellogg’s and look like a tanned version of America’s most popular frozen waffle, they definitely do not taste like an Eggo.

When eaten sans syrup, the vanilla and buttermilk flavor are noticeable, but they’re not potent enough that I can imagine me eating these without some kind of sweet condiment. Toasting them makes the exterior a little crispy and the interior soft. Of course, that’s prior to me giving them a syrup shower.

Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles Tanned

While the whole grains do give these a slightly grainy texture and different flavor compared to an Eggo, I thought they tasted decent. But Eggo Homestyle Waffles do taste a little better to me. Store brand pancake syrup that has been carefully added to the brim of every pocket in the waffle adds a much-needed flavor. (Yup, that’s how I do syrup on waffles.) Thankfully, it doesn’t completely mask the vanilla and buttermilk.

Is there anything else you need to know?

A serving of two waffles has 13 grams of protein (12 grams of complete protein), which is 24 percent of your daily recommended intake. Unfortunately, unlike regular Eggo waffles, they’re not fortified with 20-25% of your RDA of a bunch of vitamins and minerals, like calcium, folic acid, vitamin A, etc, All you’re getting with these is protein, some fiber, and a minuscule amount of vitamin D, iron, calcium, and potassium.

According to the box, complete proteins contain all nine of the special essential amino acids in the right amounts. Our bodies don’t make or store these amino acids so we have to get them through food.

If you’re wondering how these differ from Kodiak Cakes Power Waffles, I have to admit I haven’t had them. But what I do know is that a box of Kodiak Cakes has 10 waffles per box, while Off The Grid has eight. And I also know protein waffles are expensive.

Conclusion:

Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles are fine for what they are — frozen waffles. If you’re looking for a product that provides protein, these are a decent tasting option. But they don’t convince me to completely leggo the Eggo.

Purchased Price: $6.49*
Size: 8 waffles/box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 waffles) 230 calories, 11 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 310 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: White Castle Desserts On-A-Stick

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White Castle has had a line of

I know it says “mini” on the boxes, but I didn’t realize how so until I opened one. They fit comfortably in the palm of my hand. They’re super adorbs! I just want to cup them in my hands and tell them how cute they are, like a pet mouse.

There are four White Castle Desserts to choose from: Fudge-Dipped Brownie, Fudge-Dipped Peanut Butter Pie, Fudge-Dipped Strawberry Cheesecake, and Gooey Butter Cake.

Fudge-Dipped Brownie

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Brownie On A Stick

This is similar to the Fudge-Dipped Brownie offered at White Castle restaurants. I’ve never had one, so I can’t compare the two, but the freezer aisle version is mostly like biting into a pie shaped piece of fudge. I know it’s fudge dipped, but the whole thing feels and tastes like I’m eating fudge. Look at the cross section photo below; it looks more like fudge than a brownie.

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Brownie On A Stick 3

The section closest to the stick, the unfudged part, does taste more like a box mix brownie, than fudge. There are chocolate chips, but with my taste buds overloaded with fudge flavor, it’s impossible to distinguish them. So they’re there more for show.

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Brownie On A Stick 2

It may be tiny, but it’s dense. How dense is it? It’s more so than the number of times I used the word “fudge” in the last two paragraphs. It’s so much so that there’s no way I could eat another right after eating one.

Purchased Price: $6.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 240 calories, 100 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Fudge-Dipped Peanut Butter Pie

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Peanut Butter Pie On A Stick

Before trying any of them, I thought this variety would end up being my favorite because the chocolate and peanut butter combo has almost always made my lips emit an “MMMM.” But with this mini dessert, my mouth thought about letting out a “meh.”

The peanut butter part of the pie tastes similar to a PB cookie. It’s dense, much like the brownie one. It’s also gritty and has a noticeable saltiness to it. The fudge coating also seems to have gained some of that nutty flavor. There’s also a cocoa cookie crust on the bottom that enhances the fudge flavor.

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Peanut Butter Pie On A Stick 2

The dessert as a whole tastes like a generic peanut butter cup, which sounds like a good thing. But much like the Fudge-Dipped Brownie, it’s also bit too dense and rich for me, which makes it less appealing. Also, its saltiness is a little more than I’d like.

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Peanut Butter Pie On A Stick 3

Surprisingly, this ended up being my least favorite. It’s far from terrible, but when I compare it with the others, I prefer the others more.

Purchased Price: $6.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 280 calories, 190 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

Fudge-Dipped Strawberry Cheesecake

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Strawberry Cheesecake On A Stick

This is the one that stood out for me. It’s the one where I said to myself, “Sugar count, be damned! I want another.”

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Strawberry Cheesecake On A Stick 2

The flavors come in waves. The strawberry hits first, which reminds me of strawberry ice cream, then a cheesecake tanginess comes across my taste buds. The graham cracker-like crust adds a bit of saltiness to the dessert that enhances the other flavors. But it also adds a texture that’s like compacted wet sand falling apart. I thought the fudge would make this more like a chocolate dipped strawberry, but the coating doesn’t play a strong role with the dessert’s flavor.

White Castle Desserts Fudge Dipped Strawberry Cheesecake On A Stick 3

There are darker bits in the strawberry filling and a few streaks that are strawberry jam-like, which help make the fruit flavor stand out and lessen the fudge’s impact. Those streaks are under the coating, so in real life it doesn’t quite look like what’s on the box.

Also, being lighter than the brownie and peanut butter pie varieties helped make me enjoy this more.

Purchased Price: $6.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 180 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Gooey Butter Cake

White Castle Desserts Gooey Butter Cake On A Stick

Gooey is not the most accurate adjective to describe this frozen Butter Cake. Dry and crumbly are probably more correct. Even after letting it sit for the recommended 5-10 minutes, its lack of gooey-ness didn’t change.

I’ve never had a butter cake, but as I chewed my way through this dessert, all I could think about was pound cake, which I very much enjoy. According to the ingredients list, there also a cream cheese component to it, but I didn’t taste it.

White Castle Desserts Gooey Butter Cake On A Stick 2

It’s not as dense as the other White Castle Dessert because there’s cake involved, which is the reason why the whole thing is dry and crumbly. The top layer is dense and drier than the lower tier and gives the dessert a cookie-like crunch. Both layers need to eaten together to get the optimum flavor because individually they taste just okay.

Even though its textures aren’t optimal, its flavor almost wholly makes up for it. It’s not overly sweet like some of the others, and I could see myself double fisting this.

Purchased Price: $6.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 220 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.

Other Things

White Castle Desserts On A Stick

  • Except for the Gooey Butter Cake, they’re quite solid when pulled out of sub-zero temperatures. So if you do try to take a bite out of them at that point, pulling a piece away is going to make it feel as if any teeth aligning work you’ve gotten done has just gone to waste.
  • The long-winded instructions on most of the boxes say to let them thaw for 5-10 minutes before eating. But, for some reason, the brownie one says to wait 15 to 30 minutes. Fortunately, I found all of them to be soft enough after three minutes.
  • The White Castle logo is on the sticks, but with half of the dessert I’ve eaten the logo is face down. It’s a minor thing, but I guess I’m a sucker for consistency.

REVIEW: Oreo Chocolate Crunch State Fair Cookies

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Oreo Chocolate Crunch State Fair Cookie

I was watching the Food Network recently, and one of the dozens of “Best of…” programs was featuring State Fair food. I hadn’t been to so much as a county fair in a long time, so I was not mentally prepared for the monuments to gluttony that I saw.

The last time I checked, funnel cake with powdered sugar or maybe an extra long churro was peak-indulgence. I’m not complaining, but we’re living in a world with fried cheesecake hot fudge sundaes topped with caramel, pralines, brownie pieces, and whipped cream, so I needed to reorient my worldview.

When I saw Oreo’s new Chocolate Crunch State Fair Cookies at Walmart, I knew I had to try to try them. Can the State Fair experience be recreated at home?

Oreo Chocolate Crunch State Fair Cookie 2

There are two cooking instructions on the box, conventional and microwave oven, so in the interest of experiencing everything these cookies had to offer, I tried both methods. The conventional oven preparation is pictured on the left and microwave on the right. I’m pleased that neither preparation has resulted in Oreo Crème leaking out the sides. I get inordinately angry at burst filling.

Right out of the oven, the scent immediately reminds me of french toast sticks. That’s a bit…strange, but not too off-putting. As I bite into it, my first impression is of chicken nuggets.

What?

No, the sharp chocolaty sweetness is quickly apparent, followed by the filling’s mild creaminess. So, they taste like Oreo cookies, but what’s going on here? Both the conventional and microwave oven samples share the same aroma, and I realize that what I’m detecting the ubiquitous essence that all deep fried and frozen snacks share, like fryer oil that should’ve been changed sooner. These also have the soggy breading that is the fate of so many other freezer-to-oven items.

Oreo Chocolate Crunch State Fair Cookie 3

These are not the little morsels of bliss that I was hoping for, so I decide to deconstruct them in an effort to see where everything went wrong. The crème is ordinary Oreo filling that thankfully never gets too hot or melty. (Imagine burning your tongue on molten crème filling.) The Oreo cookie is plain Oreo cookie that’s a bit soggy. The breading is plain breading that, despite the name, doesn’t taste like chocolate and never gets very crunchy. Combine all this and you get something that’s edible, but doesn’t even surpass common Oreo cookies, much less something you could get at a State Fair.

In the end, these State Fair Oreo Cookies are a bit disappointing. Perhaps Food Network programming has set my expectations for decadence too high. Will normal deserts now turn to ash in my mouth, forcing me to seek ever-loftier sensual delights until the line between pleasure and pain, virtue and vice are blurred? I dunno, but normal Oreo still taste pretty good, so I’m probably safe.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookies – 130 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 10 oz. box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Warm Oreo Crème doesn’t leak out the sides and is very tasty.
Cons: Odd-yet-familiar deep-fried frozen item scent and flavor. Doesn’t get very crisp even in a very hot oven.

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