REVIEW: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

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Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

I wonder if Chinese people are ashamed when they eat at Panda Express because it’s a bastardized version of real Chinese food. I know I would be if I ate at a Japanese fast food restaurant called Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.

Whenever I walk into a Panda Express, I like to look at the faces of the Chinese people in the restaurant to see if they feel any shame. No, not the people working behind the counter and the gigantic woks because they shouldn’t feel shame since they have the power to mess with our food.

I look at the faces of the Chinese people who are ordering the Kung Pao Chicken, Beijing Beef and Orange Chicken to see if they grimace, close their eyes with disgust, or say under their breath “I’m sorry” to their dead ancestors who cooked real Chinese food. Unfortunately, I have yet to see shame from a Chinese person in a Panda Express. Perhaps they’re really good at hiding it when in public.

If you’re a Chinese person and enjoy Panda Express, but are ashamed when eating it, you can now have bastardized Chinese food that can be prepared in the comfort and privacy of your home with the Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal. You’ll still feel shame, except you probably won’t have to hide it, unless you have an elderly Chinese person living in your household.

The bagged Wanchai Ferry meal is made up of battered white meat chicken, pineapples, sugar snap peas, red peppers and jasmine rice in a sweet and sour sauce. I was hoping it would be easy to make, but preparing it is just like recovery from alcohol and drug addiction because there are a lot of steps. I’d list everything I needed to do before I was able to eat it, but if I did you would be cursing me after because during that same amount of time you could’ve easily driven to a Panda Express, picked up food and driven back. All I’m going to say is that it involves a lot of skillet work, microwaving a bag of rice and the ability to read.

The Sweet & Sour Chicken tasted like something I would wait in line at Panda Express for. The sweet and sour sauce was tasty, although a bit too thick. The vegetables and pineapples were limp, but I expected that since they were frozen, and they did provide a bit more flavor, especially the pineapples. The jasmine rice was cooked perfectly. As for the chicken, I hoped there would’ve been more and despite being pan fried to be heated, their breaded coating didn’t become crispy.

The Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Meal is meant for two, but I felt the serving sizes were a bit small. They were small enough that I feel ashamed of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package prepared – 590 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 850 milligrams of sodium, 87 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal
Price: $6.99
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet and sour sauce was tasty. No trans fats. Lots of vegetables and pineapples. Allows Chinese people, and everyone else, to prepare bastardized Chinese food in the privacy of their own home. Panda Express.
Cons: Chicken wasn’t crispy and there wasn’t a lot of it. Veggies and fruits were limp. Lots of step to prepare it. Took me longer than the 14 minutes the packaging said it would take me to prepare it. Contains no MSG, except that which naturally occurs in autolyzed yeast extract, which means it has MSG. The shame I would have from eating at Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.

REVIEW: Amy’s Ravioli Bowls

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Nothing beats a home cooked Italian meal. The smell of the sauce simmering, the perfectly cooked al dente pasta and enough garlic to keep a Hot Topic-clad Twilight vampire poser at bay is certainly a premature foodgasm waiting to happen.

When I’m in Philadelphia and away from my mommy (yes, I still call her mommy) and I’ve devoured all of the frozen casseroles of freshly made eggplant and chicken parmesan she so graciously made for me, I pretty much throw myself to the wolves. When I say “wolves” I mean the crazy people that stroll through the aisles at Whole Foods.

I don’t hate Whole Foods; I just don’t like dodging the swarms of hybrid vehicles in the parking lot. Yes, I applaud you for driving an eco-friendly car, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to drive like a total douche. (Side Note: I have yet to see a Hummer at a Whole Foods. I guess they’re too scared to go there because their precious road beast will get pelted with organic, hormone-free eggs.) Despite the high probability of being hit by a Prius, I do head over to Whole Foods because they have the biggest selection of Amy’s Organic frozen meals.

Amy’s always comes out with some great frozen meals that don’t have me questioning my sexual identity when I’m eating one, unlike when I consume Hungry Man dinners. These organic pasta pillows filled with ricotta are really freakin’ good. The sauce, which is made from organic tomatoes, was plentiful and wasn’t too acidic, nor was it really sweet. They reminded me of ravioli that you would order at — dare I say it — Olive Garden. I added a bit of grated Parmesan cheese to the top, but it really didn’t need it since the sauce and ravioli are so damn tasty.

Although Amy’s may appear healthy, since many people associate the word “organic” with something that’s good for them, this is most definitely not health food. If you compare it with a deep fried cheesesteak, then yeah it looks healthy. There is a lot of fat packed in this little bowl; 12 grams of it to be exact (4.5 grams of saturated fat) and it felt like lead in my stomach a minute after I inhaled this meal. Although that could be from not eating anything all day and scarfing down my dinner, so individual results may vary.

It’s really worth the price tag even though you can live off of Banquet Meals for at least four or five days for the same price of one Amy’s Organic Ravioli Bowl. I’m saying “live” loosely here, because I think your quality of life after a few days of feasting from the Red Box of Death might be affected. But in all fairness, if you decide to go all out and splurge and eat Amy’s Organic Ravioli Bowls every day your vital organs will not be thanking you.

However, your taste buds might.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl – 380 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium, 20% vitamin C and 15% iron.)

Item: Amy’s Ravioli Bowls
Price: $4.39
Size: 1 bowl
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Excellent quality for a frozen meal. Ravioli are a good size. Organic. Home cooked Italian meals. The free glass of wine at the Olive Garden. Foodgasming.
Cons: Not health food. Douchey hybrid car drivers. Expensive for the size. Living off of Banquet frozen dinners. No Hungry Woman available yet. Premature foodgasming.

REVIEW: Kashi Mayan Harvest Bake

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I am generally a fan of Kashi products — being a lazy pseudo-hipster who likes to buy overpriced food that’s touted as healthy without having to go through all of the effort of visiting hippie food stores and co-ops to make my own healthy food. It’s what I like to refer to as “The American Way.” And when it comes to frozen meals I’ve found that Kashi tends to be the Cadillac of the frozen food aisle. Or rather, should I say the electric Cadillac-hybrid with a solar powered espresso maker in the dash.

Kashi’s Mayan Harvest Bake was really no exception. Perfect for autumn, the harvest bake (or, harvest microwave, technically) consisted of plantains, kale, sweet potatoes and black beans over a bed of Kashi’s trademark 7 grain pilaf, polenta and amaranth — whatever the hell amaranth is — covered in a spicy Ancho sauce. It’s like, seriously Kashi? Sweet potatoes, plantains and black beans? (Oh my!) Those are only some of my favorite things in the food universe. The only way I could have been more content eating this meal would be if Kashi accompanied it with a warm towel and back rub.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And did I even mention the pumpkin seeds? The glorious, glorious pumpkin seeds? Indeed, the meal came with a generous portion of pumpkin seeds sprinkled on top, which I picked off and ate separately because I am what I like to call a “food separatist.” Seriously though, name me another frozen meal out there that comes with actual pumpkin seeds. See? You can’t even do it.

Lucky for food separatist me, the mish-mash of a food bowl was layered in such a way that I was able to eat the plantains, which were plump and delectable despite somehow coming from a tray out of the microwave, apart from the sweet potatoes, which were charred on the edges in such a way that I assume the product had once been, in fact, baked. The Ancho sauce complimented the meal well, which was sweet, spicy and delicious, although while the plantains and sweet potatoes were flavorful enough on their own, some of the parts on the pilaf underneath didn’t get much sauce on it, making it taste a bit bland.

The Mayan Harvest Bake is one of Kashi’s vegan meals, which means it’s also ideal for lazy pseudo-hipster vegetarians. It’s also all natural, which means Kashi didn’t want to make us have to pay another dollar for it by making it say “organic.” It’s really considerate of them, if you think about it. The Harvest Bake is also a nutritional smorgasbord, touting an impressive nine grams of protein (for something that doesn’t contain any meat), eight grams of fiber and 400 milligrams of potassium from the plantains, which is basically just a fancy way of saying “banana.”

Unfortunately, for the steep price tag of over $5.00 a box, regularly priced, it would probably be more cost-efficient to get your potassium intake the old fashioned way by just eating actual bananas.

(Nutrition Facts – 10 ounces (1 package) – 340 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 8 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein and 20% iron.)

Item: Kashi Mayan Harvest Bake
Price: 2 for $6.00 (sale price)
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Fresh Grocer
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Sweet potatoes. Black beans. Fancy bananas. Pumpkin seeds, bitches.
Cons: No warm towel or massage with meal. Goddamn expensive regularly priced. Not stocking up on more Mayan Harvest Bake while they were on sale.

REVIEW: Kemps Mint Chip IttiBitz

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About 14 years ago, the local movie theatre near my childhood home added something new and unusual to their regular food lineup of lukewarm hotdogs, jumbo-sized sodas and the extra-large popcorn that I’m pretty sure was enough to feed an entire farm; from the little chicks to the overweight farmer and his wife.

Dippin’ Dots was the “space-aged” item that all kids (myself included) begged their parents to get before they went into the theatre to see Disney’s highly inaccurate version of Pocahontas, or some other G-rated movie that didn’t contain all of the shit I would learn to love later on in life, including using the word “shit.”

Dippin’ Dots were hard to find, very expensive, and so cold they would freeze your tongue, thus not being able to taste the flavor after the first spoonful. It’s now 2009, and Dippin’ Dots clones can be found everywhere, from vending machines in outlet malls to freezer cases at mini-marts. After seeing the Kemps IttiBitz in the freezer section, I figured it would be good to maybe go back to my childhood and experience something I haven’t had in over a decade.

Right off the bat, Kemps IttiBitz gets one point over Dippin’ Dots in the name category. IttiBitz sounds like the nickname given to the president of your local chapter’s Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I applaud Kemps for honoring those who lack in the boobage department. I would say, “Stay strong my sisters!”, but I haven’t been in the IBTC since middle school.

The IttiBitz were very mint chocolate chip-y, but the missing ingredient were the actual chips; I guess the little brown pellets were to make up for that, but for me it really didn’t. When the bitz melted in my mouth, they revealed a very creamy, full-bodied taste of mint chocolate. Surprisingly, the ice cream has some substance to it; it’s not watered down at all.

Besides having to physically bang the entire cup to separate the frozen beads that clump together, the only other downfall with Kemps IttiBitz was the same problem I had with its predecessor fourteen years ago — frozen tongue syndrome.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 160 calories, 11 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 8% calcium.)

Item: Kemps Mint Chip IttiBitz
Price: $1.49 (on sale)
Size: 1 Cup
Purchased at: Hannaford Supermarkets
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Cryogenically frozen ice cream = Freakin’ awesome. Creamy texture. Inexpensive alternative to Dippin’ Dots
Cons: Cryogenically frozen Walt Disney = Freakin’ creepy. Serving size is a little small. Needing Lactaid. Frozen tongue syndrome. High in fat.

REVIEW: Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks

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Eating Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks is pretty much exactly like the experience of going on a deep sea adventure, only without an actual boat, a body of water, maritime life and any sense of fun or enjoyment whatsoever. Well, I guess if you consider “maritime life” to be breaded sticks of unidentifiable fish, then it does at least have that. And to answer your question if I’ve seen the Kayne West episode of “South Park”: Why yes, I do like fish sticks, thank you very much.

However, these fish sticks were unfortunately very tiny, flaccid, and basically, “didn’t get the job done,” if you know what I mean. It might have helped if I had followed the conventional oven instructions, but what can I say? I’m a gal on the go and I can’t afford the precious 20-22 minutes it would have taken to cook them that way.

The flavor of the sticks themselves were otherwise bland, since the unidentifiable fish was actually pollock, according to the packaging. Pollock is pretty much like the tofu of the animal kingdom since it has no flavor to speak of on its own, and is the key ingredient in most imitation “Krab” meats. The flavor was improved slightly by some homemade mayonnaise and relish tartar sauce I whipped up to go along with it. Just because I’m a gal on the go doesn’t mean I can’t take pleasure in the details.

Other than the fish sticks, the meal also contained a meager portion of corn, which was chewy, unsatisfying and still kind of cold. I was too apathetic to heat it back up though, since I figured thorough heating wouldn’t really improve the situation. There was also an equally meager portion of “Macaroni and Cheese Sauce,” which kind of threw me for a loop. That’s like when you get chocolate covered pretzels and the packaging says: “Chocolate Flavor Coated Pretzels.” Really? I know the flavor is chocolate. But what I really want to know is what exactly the hell is on this pretzel. At any rate, the macaroni with cheese sauce was adequate, because honestly how can you screw up mac ‘n cheese?

Unless of course you put cut-up hotdogs in it like my boyfriend does. Gross.

The real excitement of the meal was a packet of three gummi sharks that came with it. They actually just tasted like normal gummies, albeit the kind of gummi that has that fluffy layer of white stuff on the bottom. My only complaint is that I got only one lime-flavored and two blue raspberry, when I would have preferred it the other way around.

Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks are prefect for parents who love their children just how they are, because with continued consumption, the 500 milligrams of sodium should eventually effectively pickle your child thereby preventing any unnecessary aging. For an adult over the age of eight, on the other hand, I wouldn’t recommend this meal since it’s basically totally unfulfilling and will make you go get your own personal tub of gummi zoo animals, which contains a much more satisfying amount of green gummies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 meal – 390 calories, 12 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 500 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 6 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein and 8% iron.)

Item: Kid Cuisine Deep Sea Adventure Fish Sticks
Price: $3.29
Size: 7.6 ounces
Purchased at: The Fresh Grocer
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: The Kanye West episode of “South Park.” Taking pleasure in the details. Gummi sharks.
Cons: No sense of deep sea enjoyment. Having to ever wait more than two and a half minutes for a meal. Only one lime-flavored gummi shark. Imitation Krab meat. People who put hot dogs in mac ‘n cheese.

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