REVIEW: Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo

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While most frozen food entrees that involve steaming, like the Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers line, come with a bowl to help steam the dish in the microwave, the new Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo is prepared differently.

Instead, they decided to chuck the bowl and, apparently, go the microwaveable frozen food feed bag steamer route, which you just throw into the microwave for five minutes. I guess a feed bag makes sense since we’re all just horses trotting through the great plains of life and need sustenance as we mosey along. Although I do wish Lean Cuisine included a strap so that I could attach the bag to my face.

Of course, I could be “domesticated” or “follow instructions” and pour the contents of the bag onto a plate and use a fork to eat it. But it’s just easier to place my mouth at the opening and let the Lean Cuisine goodness slide towards my face, like I’m trying to get the last potato chip crumbs. Sure, the hot white meat chicken, penne pasta, broccoli, yellow carrots, orange carrots and Alfredo sauce in the bag burned my face, but to me the first-degree burns were worth it because I didn’t have to wash dishes.

Yes, I am one lazy mofo.

But I won’t have to worry about those burns anymore because the Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo is something I would not eat again.

While there were ample amounts of chicken and vegetables; the noodles came out just right; the vegetables didn’t turn out soggy; and it, surprisingly, looks really good in the photo above, especially the vegetables, its flavor wasn’t equally as appealing. Its biggest downfall was the chicken, which seemed like it was marinated in Mexican spices, making it taste like someone snuck in some Taco Bell into my Lean Cuisine.

The sauce could’ve been the lifesaver here and masked the flavor of the chicken, but since it’s a Lean Cuisine meal the sauce can’t be rich or too flavorful, unless it wants to be called Tubby Cuisine or Hungry-Man. But even if the Alfredo sauce is kind of bland, having a good amount of it in the bag might’ve helped, but there’s barely enough to coat everything.

I guess you could say they’re being “lean” with the Alfredo sauce. Or you could also say they’re being “lazy” with the Alfredo sauce, just as lazy as me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 280 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 970 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 70% vitamin A, 20% calcium, 30% vitamin C and 10% iron.)

Item: Lean Cuisine Market Creations Chicken Alfredo
Price: $4.99
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Looks good, especially the vegetables. Lots of chicken, vegetables and penne pasta. No preservatives. Filling. Low in saturated fat. Contains poly- and monounsaturated fats. Can eat it straight from the bag, if you’re lazy or don’t follow instructions.
Cons: Chicken tasted weird, like it was marinated in Mexican spices. Barely enough Alfredo sauce to coat ingredients. Burns from eating it straight out of the bag. Being a lazy mofo. No strap included to attach bag to my face.

REVIEW: DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza

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Chicago, I know you’re still celebrating your Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup, but I want to bring something negative to your attention that would probably get lost if I mentioned it while your anger from the Cubs not winning a World Series for the 103rd straight year erupts.

I just want to let you know that DiGiorno has a new deep dish pepperoni pizza. Well, at least they’re calling it a “deep dish pizza” because if you saw it for yourself, you would boo it hard, just like you do every time Brett Favre steps on Soldier Field.

Chicago is the birthplace of the deep dish pizza and as someone who has had a Chicago-style deep dish pizza from Giordano’s Pizzeria (and thinks it’s frickin’ awesome), I believe the Windy City should be appalled at DiGiorno’s poor attempt to create a deep dish pizza. I also believe the Second City should use the most powerful person in the Free World that comes from the great state of Illinois to stop DiGiorno from tainting the greatness of the deep dish pizza.

No, I’m not talking about President Zombie Abraham Lincoln, I’m talking about Oprah.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing a deep dish pizza, it’s like a large bowl that’s made of crust that’s filled with tomato sauce, cheese, sausage and other ingredients. However, the DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza isn’t at all like that and is basically a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Personal Pan Pizza, except slightly smaller, with a less crispy crust, with a slightly better tasting sauce and would probably make the late Linda Lovelace say, “I know deep, and that’s not deep.”

While I believe the DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza isn’t a good deep dish pizza because there isn’t enough filling in it to be considered a deep dish pizza, I do think it’s a good microwaveable pizza. The cooking tray does a decent job of making the pizza’s bottom crust a little crispy. On top of that crust is a few pepperoni slices that are cut into fourths, not enough cheese and a decent amount of sauce, which I thought was quite tasty and had a slight spiciness.

Overall, the DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza is a fine microwaveable pizza, but calling itself a deep dish pizza is a stretch, just like it’s a stretch when anyone on a New Jersey-based reality show calls themself a celebrity or nicely tanned.

(Nutrition Facts – Whole Pizza – 590 calories, 33 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 52 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 24 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 35% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: DiGiorno Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A good microwaveable pizza for one. Tasty sauce. My ability to learn about Chicago though Wikipedia. Nice source of calcium, iron, and protein. Cooking tray does a decent job of crisping the crust. Oprah. President Zombie Abraham Lincoln.
Cons: Not a true deep dish pizza. It’s basically a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza. Not enough cheese. Awesome source of saturated fat and sodium. Contains trans fat. Linda Lovelace would probably not approve of its deepness. Spray on tans that make you look orange. The Chicago Cubs’ futility.

REVIEW: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles

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MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles does the opposite of what the cafeteria workers at my old elementary school did with lasagna. Instead of chopping vegetables, like carrots and celery, into tiny pieces in order to trick us into eating veggies, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna has decent-sized chunks of vegetables dumped right on top. They let me know I’m getting vegetables whether I like it or not.

I’m no longer the chubby fourth grader who avoided vegetables anyway I could. I’m now the chubby college graduate who eats vegetables because my doctor told me to or else I’m going to die. So I don’t mind this veggie lasagna having a heaping pile of vegetables on top, which consists of carrots, onions, red bell peppers, red onions and kale.

The MorningStar Farms Lasagna is one of two products, the other being their Sweet & Sour Chik’n meal, that the company has introduced to dip their toes in the vast pond of microwaveable frozen meals. If you’ve seen how immense the microwaveable frozen meal aisle is, you know their toes will get pulled under and lost somewhere within the Lean Cuisine Sea or Healthy Choice Ocean.

MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles 2

Like a multistoried Banana Republic, this veggie lasagna has something different on each level. The ground floor has a zesty marinara sauce mixed with an Italian sausage-like veggie crumble, the next floor up contains an unnaturally bright white ricotta cheese, the top floor has the previously mentioned vegetables mixed with more marinara sauce and everything is roofed with mozzarella cheese.

I had high expectations for the MorningStar Farms Lasagna because I enjoy many of MorningStar Farms products. But I should’ve had the same expectations anyone should have when meeting someone in person from their local Craigslist — low, ready to dump at a moment’s notice or be prepared to spray with pepper. The noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked, the vegetables added a crunchy texture, and the zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Also, the Italian sausage-like veggie crumble wasn’t noticeable in the lasagna. I was hoping for a spicier flavor, but instead got something that wasn’t very Italian, like Jersey Shore’s Snooki and JWoww.

Overall, the MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles was disappointing and if I have to recommend a frozen microwaveable lasagna entree that uses fake meat, I’d suggest the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna…if you can find it somewhere in the middle of Banquet Bay or the Gulf of Hungry-Man.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 entree – 270 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 650 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 25% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: MorningStar Farms Lasagna with Sausage-Style Crumbles
Price: $5.49
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Veggies added crunch. Wide variety of veggies. Better for you than microwaveable lasagna entrees that use real meat. Somewhat filling. High in protein. Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna.
Cons: Expensive. Bland. Disappointing. Zesty marinara sauce wasn’t very zesty. Noodles were chewier than I would’ve liked. Sausage style crumble didn’t have flavor. Ricotta cheese was unusually bright white. Jersey Shore.

REVIEW: Kashi Caribbean Carnival Pizza

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You know that expression: “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time?” Well, Kashi should just stop making pizzas, because they are pleasing none of the people none of the time. Seriously, I really wanted to like this pizza. I’m normally a fan of everything Kashi – their frozen meals, crackers, granola bars, cereals, etcetera, etcetera. But in the past I have been let down by Kashi pizzas. Yet, I decided to give them one more chance to make amends when I saw the new delicious-sounding “Caribbean Carnival” Kashi pizza.

Spoiler alert: While I expected Kashi’s “Caribbean Carnival” pizza to invoke delightful imagery like friendly anthropomorphic parrots and jovial dark-skinned men wearing brightly colored beads in their hair; this pizza was neither “Caribbean” nor a carnival in my mouth. (Discuss!) Being a healthful eater, I normally resent when others disparage health food as tasting like cardboard – however, tasting like wonderful, delicious cardboard would probably be a lofty goal for this pizza.

Its promise of plantains, kale, fire-roasted red onions, mangoes and a “sweet and spicy Guava-infused jerk seasoned sauce” yielded a smattering of toppings lumped all in one corner of the pizza, which I meticulously picked apart and spread about before putting the pizza in the oven. Below all of that was some of the nastiest pizza crust known to mankind. I would like to know what think tank thought it would be a good idea to make a pizza crust out of ingredients like buckwheat and brown rice. Poor Antonio Pizzarelli, the inventor of the pizza pie*, would be spinning in his grave if he only knew. Normally the crust is one of my favorite parts of the pizza, and I couldn’t even get it down. Even the dog gave me the stinkface when I tried to pass it off, as if to say, “I’ll eat this because it’s technically contraband people food; but only begrudgingly so.”

The “toppings” provided little relief to the gritty taste bud-assault that was the crust. The pizza was covered mostly in kale and diced tomatoes, and I think I saw a few specs of yellow that was supposed to be mango. The best part of the pizza was undoubtedly the plantains — as I have expressed my enthusiasm for Kashi products featuring plantains in the past. But unfortunately the pizza only contained four slices of plantains and two bits of something that were probably the bodily remains of brave, fallen plantains who likely fought to the death against being put on this terrible pizza. And as for this alleged sweet and spicy Guava-infused jerk sauce…Well, I did detect some kind of flavor between the cheese and the crust, but I don’t think it tasted so much like jerk sauce as it did like “a funk.”

What separates Kashi’s Caribbean Carnival Pizza from your garden variety “fail” to an “epic fail,” is that it’s not even particularly healthy. One pizza, which is a reasonable-sized meal for most people, clocks in at over 800 whopping calories. You could probably eat two slices of real pizza for that and not feel let down like a kid who gets socks for Christmas.

* Look it up!

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza (120 grams) – 280 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 590 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein and 10% iron.)

Item: Kashi Caribbean Carnival Pizza
Price: $6.99 [sale price, reg. $7.99]
Size: 12.7 ounces
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: The bites with plantain on them were almost not terrible. Pleasing all of the people all of the time. Friendly anthropomorphic parrots.
Cons: Pizza crust tasted like puppies crying. No mango. Not enough plantains. Eating this instead of real pizza. Horrible taste plus not great nutritional value plus outlandish price like getting raped in three orifices. Getting socks for Christmas.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers

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Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers

Like Lucky Charms marshmallows, bongs and Kardashian sisters, Hot Pockets come in an array of shapes.

There’s the regular rectangular Hot Pocket, the triangular Panini Hot Pocket, the circular Deep Dish Pizzeria Hot Pocket and you can now add the strapless bra-shaped Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers.

Unlike most Hot Pockets, these SideShots don’t involve a crisping sleeve. But just like all Hot Pockets, utensils aren’t necessary and they make me say to myself, “What wrong turn have I taken in my life that has led me to eating Hot Pockets?”

The Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers are made up of bits of seasoned ground beef, cubes of cheese and some kind of sauce enclosed in a soft bun. They come attached in pairs, hence the strapless bra shape, and each pair is as long as a normal rectangular Hot Pocket.

While warming up a pair in the microwave for the recommended time of 1 minute 45 seconds, they made my apartment smell like a bakery, something no other Hot Pocket has ever accomplished. I took that as a sign of good things to come.

Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers Innards

The buns turned out surprisingly well for something that came out of a microwave oven. They were mostly soft and only a little chewy. But what was even more astonishing to me was that they tasted just like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger (or McDouble) — pickles and all.

While the Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers do taste great, I didn’t think they were very filling and, at three dollars a box, they seem kind of pricey since one can get three heartier McDoubles for the same price. But then again, I guess they shouldn’t be as hearty since I consider consumption of a Hot Pocket as settling for something less than the real thing.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 buns – 300 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 20% thiamine, 10% vitamin B12, 20% folic acid, 15% iron, 15% riboflavin, 15% niacin and 10% phosphorus.)

Item: Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers
Price: $3.00
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger — pickles and all. Buns came out surprisingly well. No trans fat. Contains vitamins and minerals. Made my apartment smell like a bakery. Shaped like a strapless bra.
Cons: Not very filling. Kind of pricey. Taking a wrong turn in your life, which leads you to eating a Hot Pocket. Shaped like a strapless bra.

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