REVIEW: Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites

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Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results; but they also say if at first you don’t succeed, you should try, try again.  So, are “they” advocating madness?  These are the kind of thoughts that run through my head as I review my second mac & cheese-based product in two reviews.  And a pretty good indicator of why I majored in English rather than Philosophy.

Hopefully you’re all familiar with Hot Pockets, or the slightly lower-calorie alternative Lean Pockets, my preferred indulgence because I like to pretend I could still swim a mile in less than 20 minutes (nope) and we can’t all eat like Michael Phelps. 

You may also be aware of HP’s “Snackers” brand, an attempt to offer a smaller alternative to their usual burrito-sized offerings.  The bag contains 12 pieces (3 servings) of pastry crust stuffed with macaroni & cheese and promises to microwave in just over a minute, which is big because regular Hot Pockets take 2 full minutes and who has that kind of time these days?  Not me, that’s an extra review and a half I could have written.  These things require a craftsman’s touch!

(By the way, I know 4 pieces may not sound like much as a serving size, but given how thick each triangle is, trust me that it isn’t insignificant.  I guess technically you could eat a full package as a meal, but that would be a lot.  Count on either splitting them with a friend or just not having a side dish if you decide to down the whole bag at once.)

Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites Closeup

Diving in, the crust is fairly light and flaky. This reaffirms the package’s boast that they’re baked, not fried.  If you’ve ever had a Hot Pocket before, you know what to expect, although these taste just a bit lighter.  And as I alluded to regarding the thickness, you’re not getting hosed as far as how much mac & cheese is stuffed into each one.  I certainly didn’t feel short-changed, and microwaving the triangles caused most of them to either spill out some cheese onto the plate or at least partially crack open, reinforcing the point. 

That said, they’re not messy — I didn’t have any problems with cheese spilling out unexpectedly or big pieces flaking off, so feel free to eat these one-handed on the couch without a napkin like the savage you are.  No one is judging.

The macaroni itself is a good consistency, soft but with just enough firmness to be appealing.  It actually looks pretty similar to Kraft Mac & Cheese, but the cheese is a bit different, slightly creamier than Kraft’s flavor without being especially sharp. 

Also, it’s a little hard to describe, but the cheese almost feels like a different component than the macaroni; there’s a lot of it, and it tends to ooze around the cracks and crevices formed by the pasta and spill out in large quantities.  I’m not complaining because it tastes the same either way, but rather than truly coating the macaroni, the cheese feels more like it’s sharing space with it.  They don’t exactly meld, but it’s plentiful and tasty, so I can’t complain too much.

Probably the only other criticism I would level against the Macaroni & Cheese Bites is that they lack that certain edge, the extra component that really distinguishes good products from great products. 

Don’t interpret that as a criticism — I like the Bites, and I wouldn’t at all mind getting them again.  But an extra flavor of cheese inside, maybe something with more bite like colby jack, would’ve really put it over the top.  But as it is, this is a good, solid snacking choice that’s quick and easy to make and will fill you up.  You could do a lot worse.

(Nutrition Facts — 4 pieces — 220 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 460 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 6 grams of protein)

Item: Hot Pockets Snackers Baked Mac & Cheese Bites
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 10 oz. / approx. 12 pieces
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Bypassing one useless degree for a slightly-less-useless one.  Light, fairly soft crust.  4 pieces makes a good snack.  Only takes a minute and change to make.  Triangles are stuffed full of mac & (especially) cheese.  Swimming references, because when people only notice your sport once every four years, you’ve gotta jump on that opportunity.
Cons: We have yet to break the 1-minute microwave mark.  Pasta and cheese feel more like amiable co-inhabitants than a happy couple.  Not being able to eat like Michael Phelps.  Could use a little more kick.  Not lacking in fat and sodium

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles

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Kellogg's Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip

Blueberry was the first ingredient Kellogg’s began baking into their almost Simpson’s skin-colored frozen waffles. Later, they made a waffle with chocolate chips.

Just like a beginning chainsaw juggler getting comfortable with throwing one chainsaw into the air and later moving up to two chainsaws when they haven’t lost a limb after several throws with one chainsaw, Kellogg’s started off with one ingredient, but became brave and added another. One of the first results of that bravery was their Limited Edition Seasons S’mores Waffles.

And now Kellogg’s is doing it again with their new Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles.

Actually, if you want to get technical, they baked three ingredients into these new waffles: chocolate chips, granola pieces, and rolled oats. Ah yes, granola — a hippie sustenance, Nature Valley’s cash cow, and the other reason, besides keeping hydrated, why it’s so important to have water while hiking.

The chocolate chips and rolled oats are super easy to spot in each waffle. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the granola pieces, which involves a closer inspection. The chocolate chips stand out because, obviously, their dark color makes them look like blackheads on the Simpson’s skin-colored waffles. As for the rolled oats, they’re noticeable because they look like trilobite fossils encased in waffle batter.

Kellogg's Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Closeup

Sadly, while these Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles were warming up in my toaster, they didn’t make my kitchen smell like Eggo Homestyle frozen waffles were being pounded with heat from toaster filaments. When I took them out of the toaster, they had a nondescript aroma. I couldn’t even detect the scent of the chocolate chips while putting my nose close enough to the waffles that it looked like I was snorting cocaine off of them.

The chocolate chips, granola pieces, and rolled oats are, for the most part, spread evenly throughout each waffle. But that really didn’t matter because, without syrup, these Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles were as bland as white cotton panties. The chocolate flavor was so faint that I wondered if the semisweet chocolate Kellogg’s used in these waffles was really sub-sweet chocolate or hypo-sweet chocolate.

The rolled oats and granola pieces (which were made using sugar, honey, and molasses) also didn’t bring anything to this waffle party, except two grams more fiber than Eggo Homestyle Waffles. I thought the granola would at least add a little crunch, but my molars didn’t detect any. Thankfully, the waffle itself was crispy on the outside and soft inside.

Of course, waffles are eaten with syrup, and a light coating of the caramel colored sugar gravy did make these waffles much more tolerable. However, because the waffle itself had little flavor, all I pretty much tasted was syrup.

Overall, I think hippies would say the Kellogg’s Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles are a waste of granola.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – 200 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 80 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles
Purchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 waffles
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Thank goodness for caramel colored sugar gravy. Decent source of fiber. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Rolled oats look like trilobite fossils. Prefixes.
Cons: The waffle itself is extremely bland. A waste of granola. Faint chocolate flavor. Granola doesn’t add crunch or flavor. White cotton panties. Having to type “Kellogg’s is” kind of irks me.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry Waffles

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Kellogg's Eggo Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry Waffles

Okay, Eggo, we get it. You make some pretty great frozen waffles. In fact, I’d say that you’ve got the frozen waffle game ON LOCK. But can you please stop gloating? We understand that you want us to give you the R.E.S.P.E.C.T. you sorely desire when we get home.

I know I’m proud of you. But making the umpteenth delicious waffle variety is really pushing it. I simply cannot stress enough the importance of humility in the art of frozen breakfast-making.

See, with your new Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry Waffles, you take things a bit too far by adding real fruit into your already delicious batter. Eggo, I know you’re at the top of the game, but you’re humiliating the competition at this point. Just slow your roll. Go easy on them.

Now, Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry waffles are full of mixed berry flavor. Even though it doesn’t taste like real fruit, I want you to know that I still appreciate the effort. It’s a sizeable leap away from some of the other frozen waffle lines out there who only offer blueberry flavor. Blueberry is old hat.

By giving us strawberry and blueberry together, you’re breaking the mold with a VARIETY of berries. You clearly wanted to present a waffle wherein strawberry and blueberry flavors mingle in perfect harmony… but before you get too smug, Eggo, let me point out that the strawberry flavor overpowers the blueberry flavor just a smidgen. That doesn’t completely ruin the effect, though, nor the name. The berries are blended. They are mixed, which makes for some delicious waffles. I see you, Eggo.

Kellogg's Eggo Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry Waffles Closeup

Let’s not forget the convenience factor. When it comes to toaster waffles, especially waffles of a certain thickness that tend to take a little longer to toast… it’s not always easy to get it just right. You’ve made a Thick & Fluffy waffle and that is indeed thick and fluffy, but one that is still a cinch to get to that desirable level of golden brown crispiness without the burnt edges. Delicious and hot and golden brown. And sweet enough to skip the syrup… but why would you ever do that? I say bring on the sweetness!) This is a good waffle, Eggo. But now you’re just showing off.

So please hear me out. I admire the level of toasty goodness you’ve achieved with this new creation, Mixed Berry – one that is on par with the yummy-ness of the other Thick & Fluffy flavors, Original and Cinnamon & Brown Sugar.

But please, just take a moment to think of the other brands, the ones you’ve left behind: Kashi, Aunt Jemima, Krusteaz, Nature’s Path, Van’s, and any store brand. Think of how they might feel when you show up with yet another tasty breakfast item that will yet again fill the bellies of Americans with warm, toasty, sweet waffle-y goodness. They’ll feel jealous, that’s what.

That’ll do, Eggo. That’ll do.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle/55 grams – 160 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry Waffles
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 6 waffles/11.6 oz
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Full of mixed berry flavor. Sweet enough to skip the syrup. Humility. Aretha.
Cons: Jealousy. Mixed berry flavor doesn’t taste like real fruit. Show-offs. Strawberry flavor overpowers the blueberry flavor.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S’mores Waffles

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Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles

Let me take you back to a warm summer night in 1962. In a sturdy tree house overlooking the backyard of the Mean Old Mr. Myrtle’s house, a portly adolescent named Hamilton Porter sticks a marshmallow on a stick and proceeds to shove it into a campfire. When the mallow is flaming with enough heat to fog up the glasses of his friend Squints Palledorous, the freckled-faced ginger removes the ‘mallow, sticks it between a square of Hershey’s chocolate and two graham crackers, and proceeds to “stuff it.”

Hence the s’more was born, and America was bequeathed one of its most iconic flavor combinations.

If the British their Spotted Dick pudding (what is that stuff anyway?) and the German have their Black Forest cake, we Americans have our s’mores. An engrained element of our efforts to eat seasonally, the s’more flavor profile has made its way into Pop-Tarts, cereal, ice cream, and, yes, the ubiquitous and completely worthless Quaker Chewy Granola bar.

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles Box Back

Perhaps feeling moved by the same spirit of summer which seized Buzz Lightyear, Eggo has decided to release a seasonal s’more frozen waffle. Available only at Target, the waffles come in the familiar eight count box which basically forces you to eat all eight waffles in one sitting, lest you chance freezer burn with the non-resealable packaging.

After proceeding to follow the very specific instructions of my Eggo box and toasting the waffles on a low setting for two rotations, I took my slightly crispy but still chewy waffles and applied a liberal pat of butter and maple syrup. It then occurred to me that putting butter and maple syrup on anything would likely skew results to the “wow, this is great” rating, and recalling no evidence of butter or maple syrup in the entire history of my s’more eating, I decided to test out one of the waffles plain.

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles Closeup

Unlike the first bite of an actual s’more, my waffle did not tempt my taste buds with layers of crunchy and creamy, smooth and coarse. There was no milky chocolate, nor was there toasted marshmallow goo, and there definitely was no fire to puff out from said flaming ‘mallow. To be short, my first bite of the new Eggo S’mores waffle tasted decidedly like a toasted Eggo waffle, albeit with an interesting if not underrepresented chew of malted barley sweetness and some kind of exotic multigrain element. It didn’t scream graham in the traditional sense of a Nabisco graham cracker, but instead gave off hints of buckwheat and whole wheat.

If it sounds enticing, don’t get too excited. I can buy frozen multigrain waffles from any hippie megastore, but I only trust Eggo to give me the proper nutritionally worthless convenience of chocolate chips and marshmallow built into my frozen waffle. And when it comes to those two key features – chocolate chips and ‘mallows – there just aren’t enough.

Kellogg's Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S'mores Waffles Closer Up

It’s a real shame because the chocolate chips are actually composed of real chocolate and take on a nice melty smoothness in the toaster, while the marshmallows strikes a balance of creamy and gooey that puts them somewhere between cereal ‘mallows and Twinkie cream. On the rare bites when you’re able to pair both the chocolate and ‘mallows with the slightly crispy waffle, well, you’ll find yourself fully appreciating the words of Hamilton Porter.

In that case, go ahead and “stuff it” for all they’re worth, my friends.

The new Eggo S’more waffles aren’t bad. They just need s’more of the stuff that makes s’mores so damn good. Speaking of which, forget the butter and maple syrup and go ahead and skewer these puppies on a twig. Fire up the grill, grab some Hershey’s bars and Jet-Puffs, and then we’ll talk. Or, should I say, we’ll stuff.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 waffles – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 360  milligrams of sodium, 95 mg potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 8grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 5 grams of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Eggo Seasons S’mores Waffles
Price: $2.39
Size: 8 waffles per box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Real chocolate chips and marshmallow goo. Fancy multigrain-ey flavor. Eating seasonally. Not actually horrible for you at 100 calories per waffle. No hydrogenated fats.
Cons: Needs s’more marshmallows and chocolate chips per waffle. Frequent repetition of juvenile puns. Inconsistent toasting instructions. Freezer burn. THE BEAST.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger

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Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger

At times, I thought the Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger tasted like a Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger or BK’s Western BBQ Topper.

If you’re not familiar with those two Burger King sandwiches, because you’re MCD4LYFE or because you eat much healthier than I do, they’re both constructed using a flame-broiled beef patty, cheese, onion rings, and a barbecue sauce served on a bun.

This isn’t the first time Hot Pockets’ mad food scientists were able to make a Hot Pocket taste like a fast food cheeseburger. They originally did it with their Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers, which I thought tasted like a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger.

Dang, those mad flavor scientists have some mad burger flavor reproducing skills.

Wait a minute. Why can’t those mad flavor scientists make a pepperoni Hot Pocket taste like a pepperoni pizza?

Anyhoo, the box doesn’t specifically say it, but these are Hot Pockets SideShots, which means instead of a crispy outer crust, they have a soft bun-like crust. According to the ingredients list, stuffed within that crust are: cooked beef pattie crumble, pasteurized process cheddar cheese, cheddar cheese, bacon, onions, seasoning, and tomato paste.

What makes these mini microwaveable marvels taste like a couple of Burger King burgers is the “BBQ sauce.” Oh, what’s with the quotations marks? Well, it’s not really a BBQ sauce, since a barbecue sauce isn’t listed in the ingredients. It’s more like a deconstructed barbecue sauce that tastes like the tangy and sweet stuff Burger King uses.

Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger Closeup

Each bun isn’t bursting with beef pattie crumble and bacon, like in the picture on the front of the packaging, instead there’s a smidgen of beef and an almost equal smidgen of bacon. If you’re expecting crisp bacon in these pockets of hotness, your expectations are way too high. They are as limp as a cardboard box in a rainstorm. The bacon’s smokiness and the added onions also helped these Hot Pockets taste like I’m eating a Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger. The bun was kind of a letdown because most of the time it was dry and a bit tough, which wasn’t what I experienced with the mostly soft and a little chewy buns of the Hot Pockets SideShots Mini Cheeseburgers.

The Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burgers would make a flavorful snack or a tasty part of a complete lunch or dinner. While it still kind of blows my mind they taste like my beloved Burger King Rodeo Cheeseburger, I found that flavor to be inconsistent as I chowed my way through the two servings.

I hope those Hot Pockets’ mad flavor scientists attempt to emulate the Big Mac’s flavor for next year’s limited edition Hot Pockets flavor and calls it Hot Pockets Limited Edition Special Sauce Burger or something as unimaginative as the name Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 buns – 290 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 620 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oil

Item: Hot Pockets Limited Edition BBQ Recipe Bacon Burger
Price: $2.49 (on sale)
Size: 4 buns
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: They taste like Burger King’s Rodeo Cheeseburger. Tangy and sweet deconstructed barbecue sauce. A nice snack. Contains seven vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Buns were dry and tough at times. Inconsistent flavor. Made with partially hydrogenated oil. Spelling patty with an “ie.” Unimaginative name.

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