3 Other Things I Consumed This Week: 11/21/2025

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Hillshire Farm Turkey & Bacon Ciabatta Deli Sandwiches

I don’t own an air fryer, so I can’t give you the 411 on how crispy this sandwich can get. However, I do have a microwave that, according to the box, will create a softer sandwich, so beep beep boop!

Before I comment on how this sandwich tastes, I must mention how it’s constructed. Obviously, everything is frozen — the provolone cheese, oven-roasted turkey, hickory-smoked bacon, chipotle aioli, and ciabatta roll. However, they’re not stacked nicely. A good portion of the cheese protruded from under the bun, and the frozen disc of chipotle aioli sat on one side of the sandwich. So when I microwaved the first one, most of the cheese melted onto the paper towel I was instructed to wrap around the sandwich, and the chipotle aioli ended up in one corner of the sandwich.

So if you happen to buy this or any of the other varieties, I’d highly suggest, after the suggested defrost time, repositioning the slightly less frozen ingredients so you can achieve a better balance. And that was your Public Service Announcement for the day.

Okay, now how does this taste? Good enough for a frozen sandwich. The bread, surprisingly, wasn’t dried out or tough to bite through, which has haunted previous microwave sandwiches. Between that bread was a decent portion of turkey that ended up a bit dry and tasted overly salty. Bacon did what bacon does and added some smokiness and porky flavors. The provolone was surprisingly noticeable for a mild cheese, and the chipotle aioli kicked up the flavor a few notches with its smoky, peppery notes. 

Stacking issues aside, Hillshire Farm’s Turkey & Bacon Ciabatta Deli Sandwich is a decent tasting offering that has gotten me curious about the other varieties. It’s $6 for two, they’re ready in under 4 minutes, and each provides 25 grams of protein.

Unwell Frosted Cranberry Energy Drink

Is it just me, or does someone else have Matchbox 20 pop into their head whenever they see an Unwell product? 

This seasonal energy drink has 150 milligrams of caffeine from green coffee extract, and like Unwell Water, it has 745 milligrams of electrolytes and contains no artificial sweeteners. Actually, I think this is the company’s first energy drink.

Maybe because it comes in a can and it’s an energy drink, I thought the beverage would be carbonated, but it’s not. Because it’s not carbonated, its cranberry flavor is decent, and it’s not too tart, I found it easy to drink. However, I don’t taste anything that could be considered “frosted.” Or maybe “frosted” was added to the name to make it sound wintery. 

While it tastes fine and I could see it coming back next year, I don’t think it’s delicious enough to make me want to repurchase it if it does.

Chips Ahoy Chewy Cookie Butter Inspired Cookies

Vin already covered this with a full review, but I wanted to add my two cents here. These cookies were good. I thought the speculoos cookie butter flavor was mild, but noticeable. I was disappointed that the cookie’s filling didn’t have a texture similar to cookie butter. Instead, it had the same snap as the chips in the cookie.

However, after going through half of the package, I came across the warming instructions, which involved heating a cookie or two on a plate for a few seconds. Those suggestions made the cookies better in my opinion. The speculoos flavor popped much more, and some of the cookie filling had melted a bit. So beep beep boop, if you decide to buy these cookies.

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REVIEW: Tombstone Chili Cheese French Fry Style Crust Pizza

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Tombstone’s Chili Cheese French Fry Style Crust Pizza box describes this as hamburger, chili cheese sauce, mozzarella, cheddar, red onion, & parsley on a potato crust. Hmmmm…

French fries are awesome! Pizza is awesome! Chili cheese-flavored things are awesome! So it would stand to reason that this chili cheese french fry crust pizza would also be, you know, awesome, right?

Well, let’s start with the positives. For a lower cost frozen pizza, there are actually a good number of toppings on this thing, especially cheese. Usually, lack of cheese is my number one complaint with frozen pizzas, so I was pleasantly surprised to find this one decently cheesy. There is a good amount of meaty bits, onions, and sauce as well, although the entire time I was eating it, I couldn’t help but wish sliced hot dogs were used instead of the meatball things. Compare me to Sonic the Hedgehog, but nothing beats a good chili cheese dog!

I really like the flavor of the chili cheese sauce, too. It has a nice bite without being overwhelming or detracting from the other flavors, which is really impressive. The consistency is great, too. Thick enough not to leak or squish out when you cut it.

This pizza also smells AMAZING while it cooks. It reminded me of a Sonic chili cheese coney and tots, that perfect blend of chili, cheese, and potato was spot on.

Sadly, that’s where the pros run out, and we turn to the things I didn’t appreciate.

The French fry crust in THEORY sounds great: Innovative, unique, and like the best part of a crispy French fry. Turns out, that only applies to the very edge of the crust, unfortunately. The crispy, crunchy outer edge of the crust is PERFECT, and what I ultimately wanted from the rest of the pie: crunchy, well done fries transformed into a saucy cheese conveyance vehicle. Something about that so-called “crunchy outside, soft inside” crust is where it all fell apart for me.

The taste is aight. Not exactly French fry, per se, but definitely in the “processed potato product” ballpark. More like hash browns if I had to pick something specific. I didn’t really mind that. What I minded was the texture, which is SO. FREAKING. WRONG. It’s floppy, despite baking the pizza on the bottom rack (as instructed) for an additional 5 minutes. It’s also somehow chewy and squishy. It almost reminds me of mochi or gnocchi, and neither of those has a texture I’m excited about sharing with a pizza. My heart stopped being in it after the first bite, and I forced myself to finish my 1/4 pie serving. It took too long to chew, and it was neither pleasant nor appetizing.

If you could get past that, the “hamburger” meatball things were dry and bland and also had a bit of a weird texture to them, although not as weird as the crust.

I say this one is interesting enough to try for the novelty, but make sure you have a backup plan if the crust texture proves to be too much for you.

Purchased Price: $5.87
Size: 18.8 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/4 pizza) 330 calories, 15 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 630 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of total carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of total sugar, and 9 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Cheez-It Pizza

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I’m not breaking any new ground by saying that even the worst pizza is still pretty good.

Your local pizza joint? Pretty good. Pizza Hut? Pretty good. Those little plastic rectangles they force-fed you in elementary school? Pretty good. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time! When pizzas are on a bagel, it’s still pretty good.

I love pizza… butttttt, I’ve never been much of a thin crust guy. Outside of Domino’s, I don’t even really eat it. I’m actually on record saying, “I don’t want pizza on a cracker.” Well, that changed the second I found a frozen pizza that was literally on a cracker. The cracker in question? You know it’s Cheez-It, so why teez-it?

“Take a Cheez-It, freeze it, and then Pizz-it.” – some marketing guy, probably.

Cheez-It Pizzas come in three flavors — Pepperoni, Cheddar Jack Supreme, and Italian Four Cheese — and are available nationwide. I opted for the Four Cheese, which has whole milk mozzarella, parmesan, yellow cheddar, and Romano… and Cheez-It, so technically, it’s Five Cheese. Semantics.

Right out of the box, the pizza smelled like Cheez-Its, so it was a great start. The baking instructions said to cook the pie at 450 degrees for 8-10 minutes, but as a lover of Extra Toasty Cheez-Its, I defied their orders and set the timer for 11.

I’m not one for rules – not even these pizza rules everybody apparently knows about. It’s a good thing I didn’t stop at just one bite; otherwise, this review would have been a dud because the first bite didn’t pop.

I had flashbacks to the Cheez-It collab at Taco Bell, where I thought the Cheez-It was lost entirely within the Crunchwrap. I was ready to say something snippy like, “This pizza puts the ‘ick’ in ‘gimmick.'” Good thing I didn’t say that, though, because it’s not funny at all.

It grew on me. After one square, I ate four more—one for each cheese. The cheeses had a really nice flavor, but they kind of blended into a generic, chewy “pizza cheese” taste. Parmesan stood out the most.

At first, I wasn’t getting anything more than crisp from the Cheez-It, but by square three, the Cheez-It flavor was firmly there. The crust tastes like 75% of a Cheez-It.

Honestly, this is just a hot, overly salted, cheesy cracker, and I think that’s fine.

There isn’t enough marinara, though. Maybe the extra minute in the oven evaporated the sauce, but it’s dry, and I’m not even a guy who likes a super saucy slice. I’m not even a guy. I’m a child eating Cheez-It Pizza.

I ate half the pie, and I was satisfied. I air-fried the other half the next day and was equally satisfied. It wasn’t even that far off from a Domino’s Thin Crust, but like takeout pizza, I think I prefer my frozen pizza like I hate my stomach – doughy.

It’s not delivery. It’s not even DiGiorno\*. It’s decent. It’s a snack, not a meal.

So yeah, I’ve had worse. I don’t even know you, and I know you have too. It’s technically pizza, and as we all know, all pizza is pretty good.

*This is from Palermo’s. Until writing this review, I literally thought this was a collaboration with DiGiorno because of the box design, but it’s not DiGiorno, it’s Deceptive!

Purchased Price: $8.99
Size: 16.85 oz.
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/4 Pizza) 320 calories, 18 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 850 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Ragu Supreme Pizza

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When I first stumbled upon the new Ragu Frozen Pizza at a local grocery store, my first thought was, “Oh, now why is this a thing?” A random couple standing nearby echoed my confusion. The guy said, “Honey, look— Ragu frozen pizza.” To which the lady replied, “Um, nasty. No.”

And, like, I get it. Though the idea of the world’s most popular (or second most popular? I don’t know how Ragu stacks up against Prego, sales-wise) jarred spaghetti sauce putting its pizza sauce on a frozen pizza shouldn’t be repulsive, it is a little — pardon the pun — jarring. But the thing is, this is actually a Palermo’s pizza product.

If you’re not familiar with Palermo’s Pizza, well, actually you are, I promise. You’ve probably seen — if not eaten — either a Screamin’ Sicilian, a Connie’s, an Urban Pie, a Surfer Boy (lo of the Stranger Things tie-in), or, god forbid, the recently released Cheez-It Pizza. I’ve had and enjoyed many Screamin’ Sicilian pizzas (they used to have some great specialty ones), and a couple of the Urban Pies and the Surfer Boy pies generally receive pretty favorable reviews. The point is there’s a decent track record.

But, so, what does the Ragu bring to the table in this engagement? Is whatever it adds any better (or worse) than standard frozen pizza sauce?

The new Ragu Pizzas come in four flavors — Cheese, Combination (Italian sausage and pepperoni), Pepperoni, and Supreme (Italian sausage, pepperoni, green, yellow and red peppers, onion, and black olives) — and all are served on “a flaky, pizzeria-style crust.” Weirdly enough, they make sure to call out that all use a “Ragu-inspired” sauce, and not just, you know, Ragu. Interesting distinction! For this review, I tried the Supreme.

This was one of the most boring, uninspired frozen pizzas I’ve ever had. It wasn’t bad; it wasn’t good. It was utterly unforgettable. The crust was bland, of medium thickness, and devoid of any real flavor. The cheese was the same. The toppings were standard, mid-tier frozen pizza fare; I didn’t notice any punch from the onions or peppers — they were mostly just mushy. The pepperoni and sausage chunks were salty and chewy. I think the whole thing had, like, five black olives on it. Ho-hum. But what about the star of the show, the Ragu-inspired sauce? It was… there. It tasted red. It was a little sweet, I guess, but not oppressively so. It was, in a word, generic.

And really, that’s the tale of this pie: the most generic-tasting frozen pizza I’ve had in quite some time. I wouldn’t buy one again; with 8,000 frozen pizza alternatives available — some of which are actually good — there’s no point in this one existing. Sorry, Palermo’s. Better luck next time. (PS. How about “next time” means bringing back the Screamin’ Sicilian that had jalapeños and bacon and chicken with a ranch sauce? That thing was worth buying.)

Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: 23.15 oz
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/5th pizza) 320 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Ranch Lovers Pepperoni Hot Pockets

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Holy Hot Pockets! When did Hot Pockets get rid of the microwaveable crisping sleeve?

What’s going to protect my fingers from burning on the crust? What will help contain the oozing molten filling that might burn my fingers? What will I use to scrape up the filling that oozed onto the plate I used to microwave the Hot Pocket? Will I never experience susceptors again? Can I buy sleeves in bulk on Amazon from a Chinese brand name missing vowels and all in caps, like HPCKTSLVS?

It turns out Nestle removed the sleeves in June 2024, but Nestle didn’t formally announce it until September 2024. As you can guess, I haven’t had a Hot Pocket in so long that I didn’t even notice Crisping Sleeve-gate. But you know what? These Ranch Lovers Pepperoni Hot Pockets with reduced fat mozzarella cheese, Hidden Valley Ranch sauce, and a Hidden Valley Ranch seasoned crust are tasty enough that I forgive Nestle for the removal of the crisping sleeve/finger protector/filling shovel.

However, I’m not sure the sauce and the seasoned crust remind me of Hidden Valley Ranch. I’ve gone through Costco-sized bottles of the creamy dressing, so I think my taste buds have a pretty good idea of what it’s supposed to taste like, but that’s not what comes to mind when chomping on these. Perhaps the cheese and pepperoni skew the ranch’s taste into something less brand-name. But that seasoning on the crust does make it the best smelling Hot Pocket I’ve ever experienced, and the creamy sauce inside does taste like ranch, but, again, not specifically Hidden Valley Ranch. While its flavor wasn’t what I expected, Holy Hot Pockets, it’s still a tasty, savory pocket of meat, cheese, and sauce.

After eating three of the four “sandwiches” in the box, I didn’t miss the crisping sleeve. Also, none of them had their filling ooze out while being zapped with microwaves. Now that I think about it, did the sleeve really “crisp” the crust? Instead, did it heat the Hot Pocket so much that there was a 99 percent chance the filling would ooze out?

If that’s the case, HPCKTSLVS won’t get any of my money.

Purchased Price: $7.49*
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 sandwich) 320 calories, 14 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar (including 2 grams of added sugar), and 9 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

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