REVIEW: Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion and Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mixes

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Lay's Dip Creations Garden Onion and Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mixes

Let’s get the dry (excuse the pun) part of Lay’s and Tostitos Dip Creations out of the way first: they are Dry Dip Mixes, or Seasoning Mixes, depending on if you’re reading the packet or Frito-Lay’s website. The packets say Seasoning Mixes, so I’ll go with that. For Lay’s Country Ranch and Garden Onion, you add the seasonings to 16 ounces of sour cream. For Tostitos Freshly Made Guacamole, you add them to three mashed up avocados.

Pretty straightforward. Now we’re all on the same page, right? Okay, good. Now we can get to the part where I overanalyze Frito-Lay’s marketing strategy and mock innocent bloggers.

Here’s the thing: Lay’s already sells ready-made Smooth Ranch and French Onion dips in jars. They are essentially competing with themselves; furthermore, they are competing with a product where all you have to do is twist a cap off. Tostitos surprisingly doesn’t already offer a jarred guacamole, but they’re putting their Dry Dip Mix up against products like Wholly Guacamole, which requires only that you snip the tip off a plastic bag and squeeze it into a bowl (or your mouth, you freak). It’s also made with real avocados and no preservatives.

So what’s the spin? What angle could Frito-Lay use to make Dip Creations appealing to the masses? To answer these questions, we need to go to F-L’s blog/transparently promotional tool, Snack Chat. Alexia, one of the resident bloggers, was put in charge of trying to convince me to buy Dip Creations, and this is how she did it:

“This year, I’m making a real commitment to improve my cooking skills. I’ve found some great products that are helping me with this goal, like pre-marinated chicken meat — the key to flavorful fajitas and salads. Another helpful product is one we just introduced at Frito-Lay. It’s a line of seasoning mixes called Tostitos and Lay’s Dip Creations.”

Sit down with me, Alexia. Let’s have a real snack chat. Ready? Okay. ADDING POWDERED SEASONING TO SOUR CREAM AND AVOCADOS IS NOT A FORM OF IMPROVING YOUR COOKING SKILLS. Yes, I can see it now: one minute you’re mixing ranch powder into sour cream, the next you’re head chef at a Michelin three-star restaurant. James Beard award, here you come!

But wait, Alexia isn’t done yet. “I’ve tried them all, and all three make pretty amazing (and easy-to-prepare) dips -– the kind people might think came from a family recipe.”

You know what the family recipe is for onion dip? Lipton Onion Soup Mix and sour cream. True inspiration, there. And if you waved a packet of Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mix in the face of someone’s abuelita and told her it was just like her cherished homemade guacamole, she would throw a bowl of steaming hot refried beans in your face. That’s just insulting.

I only picked up Garden Onion and Freshly Made Guacamole (a sketchy name for a seasoning packet) and not Country Ranch because a.) I know onion dip like the back of my hand and Lipton has always ruled the school, b.) I want to see Freshly Made Guacamole either fail horribly or blow away my expectations, and c.) I don’t need two tubs of sour cream in my fridge, and besides, I feel like making Country Ranch dip would be insulting to the ever-present bottle of Kraft Ranch Dressing that helps make my pizza crusts edible. Just wanted to clarify, in case anybody wants to scream “WHERE’S THE RANCH?” Don’t mess with an old lady’s schtick from 1984.

Garden Onion

Lay's Dip Creations Garden Onion Seasoning Mix Powder

The instructions, or “cooking skills improvement guide” as Alexia might call them, are simple and obvious: blend 16 ounces sour cream with one packet of Garden Onion, let it sit in the fridge for one hour. I usually let my onion dip set up for at least six hours, so I had some doubts about such a short time for letting the powder blend into the sour cream, allowing the flavors to meld. I was pleasantly surprised to find that, after the allotted hour, the powder seemed completely dissolved.

The flavor will probably improve after a longer gestation period in the fridge, but after such a short time, I was a little disappointed in the level of onioniness (stare at that made-up word for a while, your eyes will cross) in my Garden Onion dip. The distinctive onion flavor was still there, but it was much more subtle than a dip made with Lipton’s Onion Soup Mix.

Lay's Dip Creations Garden Onion

I was surprised to find little crunchy bits of onion spread throughout the dip. They added an extra dimension of onion and you could feel the crunch, even with the crispiness of the potato chip I was using as dip delivery device. I’m left wondering if the little bits of dried onion will soften as the dip sits longer, but I hope they don’t, because it was a nice contrast to the smoothness of the sour cream.

Freshly Made Guacamole

Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mix Powder

Again, simple instructions: mash three large avocados, mix in seasoning, let sit for 30 minutes. It’s not often that I have to handle fresh produce for a review. I found myself in a strange section of the grocery store that had food that wasn’t in a bag or a box.

“I hear this shit comes from the ground, what the hell,” my husband said.

“That’s gross,” I replied.

Despite my revulsion at having to handle something that doesn’t contain 17 different unpronounceable chemicals, I needed to get the avocados for the review, so I put on a brave face and got through it. This “recipe” takes a bit more work; after stirring the Garden Onion, mashing the avocados, and then stirring in the guacamole seasoning mix, my hand was as tired as a desperate hooker’s after giving handjobs at the bus station all day.

Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole

I was even more worried about this dip than the onion dip, because the powder looked much chunkier and the instructions called for an even shorter set-up period in the fridge. Once again, however, I was pleasantly surprised; the guacamole was smooth – well, as smooth as I got it before I gave up pulverizing the meat of three avocados with a fork.

Even more surprising was the flavor. I didn’t want to like it, but I couldn’t deny it. It was darn tasty. The onion and garlic flavors were prominent, and while I couldn’t detect any heat or flavor from the jalapeno pepper, there was something in the seasoning mix that gave it that guacamole twang. I kept eating it, trying to find a reason not to like it, but my only objection was the lack of jalapeno.

I wanted to hate Lay’s and Tostitos Dip Creations Seasoning Mixes. I’m not sure why; I guess all of Alexia’s talk of cooking improvement and family recipes got me all wound up. Lay’s Garden Onion didn’t really do it for me; I liked the crunchy bits, but the onion flavor just wasn’t strong enough. I’ll stand by my Lipton’s, but if you like a milder onion flavor, Lay’s could work for you. To save myself from having someone’s abuelita break into my house and scald my face with beans, I will say, there’s no substitution for chopping up your own vegetables and making fresh guacamole. However, I am a lazy, lazy person, and Tostitos Freshly Made Guacamole manages to hit the spot in a surprisingly sufficient way. I was disappointed by the lack of jalapeno, but I can add some hot sauce to give it some heat. In the end, I have to admit, Dip Creations is a solid product line for someone like me who wants to make dip without a lot of effort.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/16 package – Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion Seasoning Mix – package – 5 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 0 grams of protein. Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mix – 5 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion and Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mixes
Price: $1.59
Size: 1 oz. packet
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole)
Pros: Guacamole had great onion and garlic taste. Taking out my anger on avocados. Garden Onion had tasty crunchy bits. Angry abuelitas. Dips set up quickly in the fridge.
Cons: Garden Onion wasn’t oniony enough. Alexia and her cooking skills. Guacamole lacked jalapeno flavor and heat. The big scary produce section. Bus station handjob syndrome.

REVIEW: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese

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Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese

Frito-Lay introduced two new Ruffles flavors in late January, just in time for Valentine’s Day!

(What’s that? They probably chose to release it then to coincide with the Super Bowl? Well, I didn’t get around to writing this review until after the Super Bowl, so… just… play along, ok? The sooner you accept the conceit, the sooner I’ll wrap up my customarily self-indulgent introductory paragraphs and get to the actual reviewing. Cool? Cool.)

Ahem. And good thing, too – I was hoping there’d be fun new snacks to go with the beer and pizza at my annual Valentine’s Day party!

The first Ruffles Molten Hot Wing potato chip tasted overwhelmingly like vinegar, so much so that I momentarily thought I had somehow bought a mislabeled bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. But once my mouth grew acclimated to the vinegar, the hot sauce flavor began to shine through, and each additional chip increased my overall enjoyment of the chip-eating experience. They had the same great ridges and crunchiness as regular Ruffles do, and the aftertaste had a nice smokiness, though I wouldn’t describe it as particularly hot and certainly not as “molten.”

I’m totally willing to overlook the initial vinegar blast because I love Salt & Vinegar chips anyway, so that means my one issue with these chips is the name. I was expecting something significantly spicier out of a “Molten Hot” product, but all I got was, as mentioned, a nice smokiness. Actually, “Ruffles Nice & Smoky Buffalo Wings” wouldn’t be a bad name at all. It’s kind of catchy in its own right and it would better manage consumer expectations. Under-promise and over-deliver, as we say in the biz. (Note: I don’t know who “we” are and what “biz” I’m talking about.) If Ruffles actually used my new product name, I would probably tack two points onto the score for this review. Your move, Frito-Lay.

The flavor profile of the Loaded Chili & Cheese was similarly sequential: first came the taste of cheese, then came the taste of chili. Both tastes of the Loaded Chili & Cheese were less intense than those of the Molten Hot Wings, but the LC&C did have the added bonus of tinges of onion and garlic which play well with the chili and cheese powders. As expected, these chips also had the distinctive texture of classic Ruffles. I wish I could say more about this product, but I think the vinegar and hot sauce had dulled my palate by the time I got to the second round of chips. But hey, at least now you know the Loaded Chili & Cheese would still be pretty good even after you slightly burn your mouth on a slice of pizza at whatever Valentine’s Day party you’re going to.

Before wrapping up, I should mention that the packaging of these new flavors leaves something to be desired. Unlike with Doritos, where the cost of designing the flashy bags probably rivals the cost of developing the new flavors themselves, the Ruffles bags look like they were hastily mocked up by a crappy Photoshop artist under deadline. I’m not sure if “uncreative potato chip bag design” is a legitimate complaint or if I’m just Exhibit A of Louis CK’s “Everything is Amazing and Nobody’s Happy” syndrome. (See here. I’m definitely Exhibit A, aren’t I?) But I guess my point is, when you go to the supermarket snack aisle, make sure to pay attention for these new flavors because otherwise the packaging may very well fail to catch your eye.

In conclusion, A) You should try both of these new flavors, B) I hope you have fun with all your Valentine’s Day-related eating, drinking, gambling, and commercial watching, and C) Now we all know that I’m capable of dragging out a semi-nonsensical joke through an entire review!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Ruffles Molten Hot Wings – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 360 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein. Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 220 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese
Price: $3.99 each
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Super Foodtown
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Molten Hot Wings)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Loaded Chili & Cheese)
Pros: For MHW, strong vinegar taste and nice smoky aftertaste. For LC&C, all the flavors work well together. Both have classic Ruffles ridges and crunchiness. Valentine’s Day parties. Beer and pizza at Valentine’s Day parties. Louis CK. “Ruffles Nice & Smokey Buffalo Wings.”
Cons: Neither tastes particularly spicy. Packaging is uncreative. Misleadingly-named products. “The biz.” People who say “the biz.” Burning your mouth on pizza. Forgetting to review new potato chips flavors before the Super Bowl.

REVIEW: Doritos Pizza Supreme

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Doritos Pizza Supreme

Do you want a friend to punch you in the face?

The first thing you’re going to have to do is plan a day long hiking trip and invite your friend to come along. It should be a long and physically punishing hike. It should also be far away from civilization and involve either a raging river, steep cliffs or wildlife that could kill you. Tell your friend that you’ll be driving and responsible for packing and carrying the food and water on the hike. Pack a few bottles of water and finger food snacks, like granola, fruits, carrot sticks, raw meat and other foods you normally wouldn’t eat.

When you’re on the hike, stop for occasional water breaks. If your friend wants to eat, tell him or her that they should wait until they get to a good place to rest and that there’s one up ahead. After 15 minutes have gone by and your friend asks, “Are we there yet?”, say that it’s just around the corner. At this point, keep an eye out for a raging river, steep cliffs, or a bear. After 30 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Are we fucking there yet?”, tell your friend not yet. Continue to look out for a raging river, steep cliff, or a creature that could maul you. When you do end up next to a river, next to a cliff or in the view of a wild animal, tell your friend that the two of you should stop to take a break.

This next part is essential if you want your friend to punch you in the face, and what you do depends on whether you’re next to a river, steep cliff or wild beast who could eat you for dinner. If you’re next to a river, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food into the river and yell, “Aaack, the food fell into the river and it’s being taken away by the current!” If you’re next to a steep cliff, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food over the edge of the cliff, and yell, “Aaack, the food fell over the edge and I can’t get to it!” If you’re near a wild deadly animal, point at the beast, throw the food at it, and yell, “Aaack, (insert beast type here)! I threw our food at it. We should run away while it’s distracted.”

Then you and your friend should run back to your car. Make sure neither of you gets captured and eaten by the wild animal, or everything would’ve been in vain. When back in your car, begin the long drive home. By now, your friend will be hungry and tired and will tell you to stop somewhere for food, but tell your friend you’re craving pizza and will order one and have it delivered when the two of you get back.

If possible, try to get pulled over by the police for speeding.

When the two of you get back of your place, pretend to order a pizza without having to make an actual call, then tell your friend that the pizza place will deliver it in 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes have passed by and you friend asks, “Where’s the pizza?”, say it should be here any minute. After 45 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Where’s the fucking pizza?”, pretend to look agitated and then pick up your phone and pretend to call the pizza place. While on the phone, nod your head a few times, say “It better get here soon” and then hang up. By the time one hour passes, your friend should be extremely hungry, tired and grumpy, so tell your friend that you’ll wait outside for the pizza delivery person. When you get outside, yell “Finally, it’s about time. I should get a free pizza for this.” Then open the door, look back like you’re talking to a delivery person and say, “The only tip I’m going to give you is to not take so damn long to deliver a pizza.” Then slam the door behind you.

Then grab a bag of Doritos Pizza Supreme, run towards your friend, and throw the bag at your friend’s face while yelling, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos. And your mom is a whore!”

If this doesn’t get your friend to punch you in the face, I don’t know what will.

Doritos Pizza Supreme Naked

The flavor of the Doritos Pizza Supreme is supposed to be complex like the 700-plus word instructions for a sociological Rube Goldberg machine that you just read. According to Frito-Lay, thanks to their “Flavor Plus” technology, we’re supposed to be able to taste every ingredient found on a supreme pizza, which usually includes, sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and olives.

While my taste buds had trouble picking out each component found on a supreme pizza, as a whole, the Doritos Pizza Supreme did taste like a supreme pizza and I enjoyed them. Although, I had my doubts because when I opened the bag it smelled like a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Besides the flavor, everything else about these chips are typical of most Doritos: the crunch, the triangular shape of each chip and the cheesy powder that gets stuck to your fingers, like iron shavings on a magnet.

Currently, the Doritos Pizza Supreme is only available for a limited time, but I hope they’re successful enough that they become a permanent flavor, because I like them. I also hope Doritos continues to make more chips that taste like greasy fast food, because they seem to be adept at it. I don’t know how Frito-Lay’s “Flavor Plus” technology works, but I bet it’s as complex as trying to get a friend to punch you in the face, Rube Goldberg-style.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 240 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 2% iron.)

Item: Doritos Pizza Supreme
Price: $1.09
Size: 1.75 ounces
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like a supreme pizza. Tasty. Getting a friend to punch you in the face Rube Goldberg-style. Crunchy. 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat. Leaves cheesy residue on fingers. Frito-Lay’s Flavor Plus technology. Getting to say, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos.”
Cons: Smells like Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Couldn’t pick out every single ingredient found on a supreme pizza. Contains MSG. Available for a limited time.

REVIEW: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)

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I’m amazed with what Doritos is capable of doing with their tortilla chips. They do some crazy magic with seasonings and monosodium glutamate. Mountain Dew-flavored chips…BOOM! Fast food taco-flavored chips…KAPOW! Cheeseburger-flavored chips…(insert here favorite onomatopoeia used during the fight scenes in the 1960s Batman TV series)!

The only way I can imagine they came up with such flavors is by snorting monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant to stimulate the right side of their brain.

While the folks at Doritos would never admit to using MSG like Jim Morrison used heroin to create music, Ernest Hemingway used alcohol to write prose and Phil Collins used baldness to come up with his song “Sussudio,” they have admitted their newest flavors, Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho, were inspired by the football video game Madden ’11.

For those of you who have never played a minute of Madden in its 22-year history, it allows football fans to control any NFL team, and depending on what level of difficulty one sets the game at, they can make the impossible possible, like having the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl by beating their opponent 259-0 with their third string quarterback. Of course, one of the downsides of playing Madden is having the voices of either John Madden or Cris Collinsworth haunt your dreams by repeating the same color commentary over and over again, especially Madden’s “BOOM!” which has been known to spoil lovemaking sessions.

While the unusual flavors Doritos creates are awe-inspiring, what’s even more impressive is how accurate those unusual flavors are compared with the real thing. Their Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger tastes like cheeseburgers, their Doritos Late Night Tacos tastes like fast food tacos and the Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho are supposed to taste like barbeque pork and nachos with jalapenos, respectively.

Because I’ve read previous reviews of the Tailgater BBQ, I knew I should expect a barbeque pork flavor, but for unsuspecting folks, its flavor will be kind of a mindfuck. The chip starts off with a sweet barbeque flavor that’s similar to barbeque Lay’s potato chips, and then the smoky pork flavor hits the tongue. At first, I thought the greasy pork flavor seemed a bit odd to have with a chip and it slightly grossed me out, but after eating a bit more, I got used to the flavor..a little. I kind of like Tailgater BBQ, but I don’t think I can eat too much of it in one sitting because I’m afraid its greasy pork flavor will eventually freak out my taste buds.

The Stadium Nacho flavor is definitely my favorite of the two Madden ’11 Inspired Flavors, even though it’s just another addition to the long line of cheesy Doritos flavors. But that’s probably a good thing because while the folks at Doritos do a good job of creating chips that taste like meat, they do a much better job at develop cheesy-flavored chips. The Stadium Nacho has a nacho cheese sauce flavor that would make Taco Bell proud, and then make them check to see if any of their nacho cheese sauce patents were violated because the chips taste almost exactly like Taco Bell’s nacho cheese sauce. But what makes the Stadium Nacho tasty in my mind is the mild jalapeno flavor, which also gives the chips a very, very slight kick.

Since a new version of Madden is released every year, I’d like to see Doritos comes up with flavors inspired by Madden ’12. I’m hoping after the people at Doritos snort monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant they’ll come up with hot dog or beer-flavored Doritos.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Stadium Nachos – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 2% vitamin A. Tailgater BBQ – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin B6 and 2% magnesium.)

Item: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)
Price: $2.98 each
Size: 11.5 ounces
Purchased at: The Blue Store That Makes Kmart Look Slightly Better
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Tailgater BBQ)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Stadium Nacho)
Pros: Accurate flavors. Stadium Nacho was tasty thanks to Taco Bell-ish nacho cheese sauce flavor and jalapeno flavor. Inventive Doritos flavors. 1960s Batman TV show. Winning the Super Bowl in Madden using the easy level of difficulty.
Cons: Tailgater BBQ’s pork flavor can seem a little weird. Contains MSG. Having John Madden saying “BOOM!” over and over again in your dreams. Trying to hollow out a Cheetos puff. Snorting MSG.

REVIEW: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb

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There was a time when I liked Baked Lay’s and thought it was one of the greatest snacks ever invented, but I no longer have the same feelings. Of course, I enjoyed it in the late 1990s to early 2000s, when I had poor judgement and taste.

How poor?

Let me just say I had Creed’s “Higher” playing in heavy rotation on my Aiwa XP-V320 compact disc player and I wore a lot of jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them.

But I’m glad I tried Baked Lay’s because it made me realize Creed was a shitty band and jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them were never cool.

My love for Baked Lay’s was fleeting, just like Justin Bieber’s girlish voice will be after he passes puberty. I enjoyed it because it was a healthier alternative to regular potato chips. But the more I ate it, the more I realized it was a poor tasting substitute with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. When I finally came to this conclusion, it opened my eyes and made me realize I had no sense of fashion and that Scott Stapp was no Eddie Vedder.

Creed songs were like Baked Lay’s and visa versa. Both of them brought me no pleasure. As uplifting as their lyrics seemed, Creed songs have never made me feel good or made me want to play air guitar. And as healthy as they were, eating Baked Lay’s has never comforted me in a way that a bag of greasy potato chips does or made me want to get every last crumb of it by resting one of the bag’s open corners on my bottom lip and flicking the bag to let gravity bring whatever crumbs remain to my awaiting mouth.

Even when Lay’s introduced their cheddar and sour cream & onion varieties, I thought they were the Baked Lay’s version of Creed’s blander album Weathered. However, while Creed has gotten worse, Baked Lay’s has gotten better thanks to their latest flavor — Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb.

Unlike the cheddar and sour cream & onions versions, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb has a robust flavor that does a good job of hiding the fact that you’re eating a snack with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. The potato crisps (not chips, crisps) have a strong parmesan scent, which made me feel like I was snorting some lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah. However, while eating the crisps, the parmesan was less noticeable and the Tuscan herbs took over the flavor. I’m not sure what “Tuscan herbs” are, but in the ingredients list there’s basil, parsley, rosemary and dehydrated green and red bell peppers. The crisps’ flavor also has a hint of sour cream and a slight spicy kick.

Overall, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb was very tasty and slightly changed my opinion of Baked Lay’s. While its flavor does bring me some pleasure, it hasn’t changed my opinion that original Baked Lay’s sucks.

It sucks Creed hard.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 310 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% vitamin E and 2% iron.)

Item: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 8.75 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Robust flavor. Has a slight kick. Better for you than regular potato chips. Pearl Jam. Snorting lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah
Cons: Texture like a dehydrated sponge. Creed. Not as comforting as regular potato chips. Creed. Jeans shorts with strategically placed tears. Creed. What I liked in the late 1990s to early 2000s. Creed. Original Baked Lay’s.

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