REVIEW: Starbucks Chocolate Java Mint Frappuccino

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Mint can be a tough flavor to nail. It’s nearly always refreshing, but too much of it tends to become reminiscent of toothpaste. This is the downfall of a lot of mint chocolate ice creams. It’s not impossible though. Wendy’s did a great job with its Peppermint Frosty during the holidays last year. It somehow managed to perfectly replicate the taste of an Andes mint, despite the fact that the Frosty contained no chocolate. I’m still wondering what foul sorcery Wendy’s used to pull THAT off.

But enough about Frosties. We are here for Starbucks’ new Chocolate Java Mint Frappuccino today. Frappuccinos are too indulgent for me to consume on a regular basis, so I was excited to have the opportunity to drink one with zero guilt…well, minimal guilt. Normally I prefer my fancy coffee drinks without whipped cream and sprinkles, but here that’s a big part of the experience, so I had the whole Megillah. I hope you appreciate the way I’m gallantly falling onto the sword for all of you here.

I had this twice. The first time I got it, the barista didn’t add the mocha to the drink, and it was an assault of pure mintiness. I didn’t realize a component had been left off, so I thought it was supposed to taste like that, totally chocolate-deficient and toothpaste flavor-adjacent. I was prepared to give it a 5 out of 10, but then we realized the drink had been made incorrectly, so I bought another one at a different Starbucks. This time, I watched the barista make it. You better believe I watched her squeeze that mocha bottle.

The result? What a difference some chocolate makes, although I think we all kinda knew that already. With the chocolate, the drink still had some of the refreshing quality of mint, but it was tempered by the earthy, indulgent flavor of the chocolate. If anything, this incarnation of the drink leaned too far in the chocolate direction, which I say with the caveat that I don’t think “too much chocolate” can be considered a downside.

The Frappuccino chips did their thing and added little pops of a different chocolate flavor, and while I only was able to eat the Chocolate Mint Cookie Sprinkles at the finish, they were delightful little bits of cookie goodness. The one drawback this drink had was that neither time did I really get the taste of coffee. I tasted it in a few sips the first time, then the second time, my palate was so overloaded with the other components that I couldn’t taste coffee at all. A lot of people may not care, but I like my Frappuccinos to taste like coffee.

Hot days are coming, and this drink will probably make a lot of Starbucks customers very happy with its ability to be both cooling and just a little bit sinful. Personally, though, I’m getting a plain Coffee Frappuccino next time: I’m just missing the “Java” that was supposed to be in the Chocolate Java Mint.

Purchased Price: $4.95
Size: Tall
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 340 calories, 14 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 47 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, and 75 milligrams of caffeine.

REVIEW: Burger King Spider-Verse Whopper

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Burger King, Burger King
Get a load of this burger thing,
Crimson bun, Whopper-sized,
Order with a side of fries,

Look out!
Here’s the… New “Spider-verse” Whopper.

Yeah, that ended with a whimper. Sorry, the lyrics aren’t as clever as BK’s current theme song, WHOPPER, WHOPPER, WHOPPER, WHOPPER, WHOPPER *repeat x10*

Before I review Burger King’s new “Spider-verse” Whopper, I just wanna give my quick review of 2018’s “Spider-man: Into the Spider-verse.” 10 out of 10. Certified banger. Best Spider-man movie ever made. No notes. If you haven’t seen it, find whoever is streaming it, and fire it up.

While you’re at it, flame broil up Burger King’s new “Spider-verse” Whopper, a burger that somehow almost lived up to the hype of the movie.

I say “somehow” because, in reality, there isn’t much difference from a tried-and-true Whopper here, but that’s the thing, reality is only a perception. This is a multiverse Whopper.

The obvious eye-catching draw of this burger is the beet-dyed red bun. As far as “photo versus expectations” goes, I gotta say, the real thing ended up looking way better than my Spidey sense thought it would. It tastes like a normal bun, but I swear it was a bit more “toothsome.” Perhaps mine was just mildly stale, like the current Marvel Cinematic Universe. (Sony paid me to say that.)

The other key difference from a standard Whopper is that American cheese is swapped out for melty Swiss. Why? I pondered that myself. Is Miles Morales a big fan of Swiss cheese? Is there a Swiss Spiderman out there in the Spider-verse? The only logical explanation I could come up with is that Swiss cheese famously has holes and the Spidey supervillain The Spot has a key role in the new Spider-verse sequel. I think I cracked the case. (Trypophobics need not Google “The Spot.”)

Anyway, I actually think the Swiss compliments the burger really well. It gave it a milder and slightly saltier taste than the usual Kraft single-esque piece of rubber.

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and eaten a Whopper AT the home of said Whopper, and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

I do have one minor complaint though. Why did Burger King just stop at a red bun? It has dabbled with flavored buns and hot sauces in the past. I think this bun should have had a *THWIP!* of heat, or there should have been a sauce component. They could have called it “Radioactive Spider-bite Sauce” or something. Then again, maybe it’s best to limit the number of spider references. Some people might think they’re eating bugs.

Either way, I love the movie, I really liked this burger, and I can’t wait to watch the sequel next week. You have until June 11th to try the burger. After that, it’ll be gone like Uncle Ben – the rice guy and Peter Parker’s dearly departed guardian.

Oh, there are also cool little Miles Morales-themed Burger King crowns. I won’t lie; I snagged one. Two. I snagged two. I’m giving one away, I swear.

This was fun. Maybe next time BK can do a Venom-themed burger with black buns and … oh wait, no! No, they can’t do that again, lest they want everyone to expel their own symbiote.

Ok, on that gross note, I’m gonna websling outta here. Try the burger!

Purchased Price: $5.00 (Special Monday only price in the App – a steep $8.19 otherwise)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 795 calories, 54 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 115 milligrams of cholesterol, 1700 milligrams of sodium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Ham & Swiss Croissant Stuffer

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Ham and cheese products from Dunkin’ hold a special place in my heart. Way back in 2012, when the chain was still called Dunkin’ Donuts, and the concept of serving food that wasn’t donuts was still new and baffling, I fell in love with its Ham & Cheese Bakery Sandwich. Alas, it was ultimately discontinued. So I was thrilled when I caught wind of the new Ham & Swiss Croissant Stuffer. Could this be a reunion with my one that got away?

Right out of the bag, it certainly looked and smelled promising — plump, golden, football-shaped, and emitting a gorgeously toasty aroma. The singed cheese shreds on top were a nice touch, adding some pretty orange-y color, crispy texture, and an extra pop of concentrated Cheez-It-esque flavor.

Upon slightly closer examination, though, the ham bits poking out of the edge seemed unusual, and I wondered if I’d accidentally been given bacon since they were so burnt. Spoiler alert: it was indeed ham, and despite being rather frizzled, it tasted meaty and mildly-but-not-overly-salty, which was as nice as I’d hoped.

Since I always like to start my reviews by tasting each component of a product individually, I moved on to the croissant next. It was more or less what I expected, buttery and rich, although it was also surprisingly burnt (at least the outer layer was; the inner layer was softer and doughier, more reminiscent of a Pillsbury Crescent Roll).

Getting to the Swiss required some dismantling since none of it was peeking out with the ham. That made sense when I opened up my croissant to see the cheese melded in a thick, slick layer (unlike the shreds on top, this seemed to be a single slice) so tight against the bottom that it was difficult to distinguish it from the croissant. Fortunately, it wasn’t melty enough that it was difficult to peel off, and boy, was it tasty — mild, nutty, and buttery. It was my favorite thing I tasted.

While I was peering at the inside of the croissant, I also noticed that the ham appeared to be just one large, circular slice (I had been expecting a thinner piece like deli meat, but this was a lot more substantial) folded over itself for some extra oomph. The bulk of it was definitely not as burnt as the ends had been, though it was firm in a way that made it feel a bit overcooked.

Refolding my croissant as gracefully as I could (which, admittedly, was not very) and biting into all three layers at once yielded a masterclass in texture, with the brittle, flaky croissant giving way to the dense ham with a pleasing snap before being caressed by the gooey cheese. The flavor, though, was a bit muddled. I described the croissant and Swiss as “buttery,” and that was pretty much the only thing I tasted in this mixed mouthful. If I hadn’t just been staring straight at it, I’m not sure I would have realized from taste alone that the solid slice in the middle even was ham.

So, this might not have been the second coming of my lost love, but it was still tasty. I’d advise you to check it out, if only so that you’re full and fueled to join my letter-writing campaign to bring the Bakery Sandwiches back.

Purchased Price: $4.45
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 330 calories, 17 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 580 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Butter Pecan Crunch Frozen Coffee

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Remember years ago when Dunkin’ used to have a drink called the Coffee Coolatta? Remember how it was the perfect level of sweetness, with just enough pure coffee flavor to scratch that itch for the real stuff without ever descending into bitterness?

If you don’t remember, you may be familiar with Dunkin’s Frozen Coffee, the drink it introduced to replace the Coffee Coolatta in 2017. In theory, Frozen Coffee has a more pronounced coffee flavor and is supposed to be an all-around better concoction. However, I just tried one on a whim a few weeks ago and found the coffee taste too sharp (and I’m someone who often drinks black coffee), while the whole thing danced just below the level of being sickeningly sweet. Maybe I got a bad batch, but it was just too much of a good thing. I appreciate what Dunkin’ was trying to do, but I miss my Coolatta something fierce.

Now, with the Butter Pecan Crunch Frozen Coffee, is it time for me to make peace with this new reality? According to Dunkin’, the drink has Frozen Coffee, Butter Pecan Swirl syrup, and Cocoa Caramel Sprinkles. The beverage is topped with whipped cream, caramel drizzle, and “even more” Cocoa Caramel sprinkles. I didn’t really taste the sprinkles in the drink itself, however.

At first, the drink had that pronounced coffee flavor that I didn’t enjoy with my previous Frozen Coffee. “I knew I couldn’t trust this blasted Frozen Coffee!” I thought, dejected. But as I sipped, something began to happen; the gentle sweetness of the Butter Pecan Swirl syrup tempered the flavor, creating a more mild, almost original Coolatta-like flavor. The flavor addition definitely had some butteriness, but I didn’t really get a nuttiness. I think the overall sweetness might have overwhelmed my palette to the point that I couldn’t really taste anything subtle.

Overall, I liked this so much that I slurped it down really fast and got a stomachache; hey, it’s hard to be a sweets fan with limited tummy real estate. The consequence of this though is that the whipped cream didn’t have time to melt that much, so I was drinking pure whipped cream through a straw by the end. While sucking up the whipped cream, I got the sprinkles, representing the “crunch” in the title.

I don’t know if it would have been a significantly different experience if I consumed it more slowly; maybe if the whipped cream had more time to melt, I would have got the sprinkles in the drink, making for a more “crunchy” treat. However, the Frozen Coffee itself is pretty dense; it’s not like waiting for your whipped cream to melt into a latte, where it can easily disappear into the drink and mix with it. I would say that I’m going to buy it again to investigate this melting theory, but let’s be honest: if I repurchase it, I’ll just shove it all into my face really fast again.

While I personally could do without the whipped topping and just enjoy the drink itself, this is a delightful indulgence. Even so, I still want the original Coffee Coolatta back. Is that so wrong?

Purchased Price: $4.09
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 630 calories, 22 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 103 grams of carbohydrates, 97 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Papa Johns Doritos Cool Ranch Papadia

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Before consuming the new Doritos Cool Ranch Papadia, I’d never tried a Papadia. Is it because it’s an awful name, and I genuinely dislike ordering terribly named things? Maybe. It’s why I never wanted to order the Arby-Q or the Bell Beefer.

My first thought was, why not call this what it is — an unsealed calzone? And then I had THIS brilliant realization — ohhhh, it’s an Italian quesadilla… a Papadia! That, however, is incorrect. According to the Internet, the Papadia name was inspired by the piadina, a folded flatbread sandwich native to northern Italy.

And while I stand by my assertion that this is a stupidly named food object, I’m glad I ordered it. Because the Papadia — specifically this new Cool Ranch Doritos variety — was tasty.

Available as preset chicken, steak, or beef varieties (with the option to construct your own), the Cool Ranch Papadia is a “Flatbread-style sandwich covered with bold ranch seasoning, loaded with Doritos Cool Ranch Flavored Dressing, melty cheese, ripe tomatoes, onions & chicken.” Web copy also suggests, “Comes with a side of Doritos Cool Ranch Flavored Dressing for dipping.”

I’m sorry to say that my store didn’t have the Cool Ranch-flavored dipping sauce. Instead, I was given a tub of regular ranch and a half-hearted shrug.

The shell’s exterior was heavily dusted with Cool Ranch powder and was way ranchier than Taco Bell’s Cool Ranch shell. It carried with it all of the zestiness one would expect from its namesake chip. If you have an aversion to Cool Ranch, you’re going to have a bad time with this thing. (I might also ask what you were thinking by ordering it to begin with, though.)

The inside was about what you’d expect from a Papa Johns pizza, ingredient-wise, meaning— the chicken was a little prefabricated tasting but identifiably chicken, the onions seemed fresh, and the tomatoes… okay, well, look: I hate hot tomatoes. I would never intentionally order tomatoes on a pizza. But because we at The Impulsive Buy order the food unamended, there they were. And the tomatoes were of fine quality, don’t get me wrong. They’re just not for me, you know?

The ranch sauce was evenly applied throughout and complemented the other toppings (innards?) nicely. I wouldn’t say it wasn’t distinguishably “Cool Ranch,” but honestly, it was a bit hard to isolate the sauce.

One thing I found curious about the preset arrangement was the lack of bacon. Chicken, bacon, and ranch is a classic culinary trio that’s pretty hard to beat on a sandwich, in a salad, on a pizza, or in a chalupa. Maybe it was a cost-saving measure; if so, thumbs down. That said, this was a really enjoyable item overall. I’ll order it again before it leaves — only this time, I’ll swap the retched tomatoes for bacon, pocketbook be damned.

Purchased Price: $7.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 840 calories, 32 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 140 milligrams of cholesterol, 2330 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 55 grams of protein.

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