REVIEW: Burger King Crispy Onion Whopper

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I thought Burger King’s new Crispy Onion Whopper would have an intense onion flavor that would make anyone within my personal space and downwind from me know I’m eating one when I say, “Oooooonioooooon.” However, despite having onion rings AND crispy onions, it does noooooot.

Along with those two toppings, the burger features a 1/4-pound flame-grilled beef patty, bacon, American cheese, barbecue sauce, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo on a toasted sesame seed bun. Raw onions, one ingredient I know Burger King has stocked in its kitchens, would’ve helped push the onion pungency to a potent plane, but BK excluded them in this burger.

If it had gone extra heavy with the onions, this might’ve been a unique-tasting offering, but this latest Whopper By You creation, inspired by Whopper fans, has a lot of familiar flavors. It seems like Burger King took a page from Taco Bell’s playbook and created something new by flinging ingredients it already uses at a wall and seeing what sticks.

When the drive-thru window person handed me the bag with my à la carte order, I was surprised by its weight. Upon taking it out of the bag, it looked noticeably more substantial than previous limited-time-only Whoppers in recent memory. I suppose the onion rings made a significant difference.

While light in flavor, both fried onions let my mouth know of their existence with two distinct levels of crispiness, with the crispy onion having a lighter crunch than the rings. However, raw onions here might’ve added another level of crispiness.

The previous Whopper By You, the BBQ Brisket one, released in July, featured a new golden BBQ sauce, which I really enjoyed. This comes topped with the usual sweet and smoky barbecue sauce Burger King has used over the years. While I’ve enjoyed the older BBQ sauce, I wish BK had used the newer one here, as it might’ve prevented the burger from tasting so familiar. I’m not saying it tastes like a BK’s signature burger, but it’s almost like the chain did a mashup of a regular Whopper with a Rodeo Cheeseburger.

With every bite, it seemed like a different ingredient got highlighted. Sometimes it was the onions. Other times it was the cheese. Sometimes it was the bacon. Other times it was the pickles. Sometimes it was the barbecue sauce. Other times it was the beef. And even the mayo popped in every so often.

Other things to note: With all the toppings, it’s unsurprising that this is one messy burger. Also, much like the previous limited-time-only Whopper, it’s available as a Whopper Jr. if you want to save money because it’s slightly pricier than other variations.

Burger King’s Crispy Onion Whopper is a serviceable offering that’s as enjoyable as its standard Whopper. However, nothing is outstanding or distinctive about it that would make me like it a looooot or spend my looooot on it again.

Purchased Price: $11.79*
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 1150 calories, 72 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 135 milligrams of cholesterol, 2140 milligrams of sodium, 88 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 47 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Cereal N’ Milk Latte

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Even though there is a Dunkin’ Donuts (or “Dunks” as the chain is affectionately known here in Mass) literally in my backyard, I don’t go there very often. I’m more of a Red Bull kind of girl. When I go to DD, I tend to get cold brew with foam rather than a latte… but a Cereal Milk latte? That had me curious.

It’s genius, honestly. The milk left over after you’ve enjoyed a bowl of cereal is almost as good as the cereal itself! Why have I never considered adding it to my tea or coffee before? Good thing Dunks had my back!

It was hot outside, so I opted to get my drink iced. I was hoping for something refreshing, but it was too thick and rich for that. I was THIRSTY when handed my drink, and as I gulped it, I was left feeling a bit like Ron Burgundy from Anchorman when he chugs the milk in that one scene. I have to say, though, that despite that description, it did have a nice mouth feel, somewhere between Half & Half and melted ice cream. Smooth and velvety and very creamy.

You’re probably wondering, much like I was, what \*kind\* of cereal Dunkin’ is referring to. The term is just too generic, given the various fruity, chocolatey, sweetened, and otherwise varieties out there, and, well… that remains a mystery, sadly. Your guess is as good as mine. The taste is decidedly NOT fruity, as I’d kind of been expecting, nor is it chocolatey or really distinctly anything. Still, it really DOES manage to convey a distinct CEREAL taste that lingers on the tongue after each sip before fading away into a vaguely grain-like aftertaste.

If I HAD to guess? Somewhere between generic Lucky Charms and Frosted Flakes. Both are in the ballpark, but neither feels quite right.

That kinda bitter, slightly burnt taste you can expect with a Dunkin’ espresso product is present, but it does get drowned out by the sweetness and flavor of the cereal milk, which works in the drink’s favor. All in all, I’d get this again. It’s sweet and tasty, and it hits a nice breakfast-y note for me.

I don’t know if it’s universal or not, but my local Dunkin’ (yes, the one I can see from my window as I type this) offers Coolattas and Matcha in addition to the Lattes, so if espresso isn’t your thing but you still want to try this flavor, there you go.

Purchased Price: $5.02
Size: Small
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 220 calories, 7 grams of total fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 29 grams of total sugar, and 7 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Kirkland Signature Combo Calzone

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Costco’s food court is arguably the country’s best cost-effective eatery. Where else can you get a two-dollar dog right after spending $450 on items such as an Army’s supply of animal crackers and a year’s worth of pipe-clogging wet wipes?

Just me?

I never skip the Costco Cafeteria. I’ll take one of their obese slices over any national chain’s wimpy pizza. I don’t know where Chicken Bakes came from, but they’re a marvel of modern science. That dirt cheap footlong? GOATed! And how can I forget the… *sigh* we still doing this?

Double. Chocolate. Chunk. Cookie?! Five Booms and whatnot.

Everything is good.

Well, everything WAS good. It is with great sorrow that I must report the new Kirkland Calzone Combo is a DOOM!

I’m baffled. How can this be? On paper, you would think a Costco food court Calzone would just marry the best parts of the pizza and the chicken bake, right? Pure ignorance.

It certainly looks like a decent calzone. I really like the doughy, slightly crispy crust on the pizza slice, so having that as a giant pocket works. It was probably my favorite part of the experience, despite it getting worse as I got towards the center.

The filling is pure slop. A full-on work sloppage. Slopular Science. The King of Slop. A wop slop a loo bop a slop bom bom!

The “turnover” comes packed with pepperoni, sausage, cheese, onions, peppers, sauce, olives, and mushrooms, all of which clash with each other.

I’m not opposed to a supreme pizza, but all of these ingredients don’t work in this pouch; it just makes everything wet with a gross flavor I can only describe as “spiced slimy meat.” That’s all I tasted, but not even in a good pepperoni or sausage style, they blend with the veggies to make an off-putting “spice” that is neither hot nor appetizing. This is the opposite of the spice mélange. One DUNE(!) on the “Boom or Dune” scale.

I could probably get beyond the overall flavor if this thing had more cheese in it. It’s severely lacking. I’ll keep hyping the pizza, because I absolutely love that 700-calorie behemoth cheese slice. It’s excessive, it’s greasy, it’s uniquely chewy, and I love it. This mushy deflated football needed that texture badly.

What you’re looking at here is a giant Hot Pocket that you took out of the microwave fifteen seconds early. I’m shocked at how much I disliked it. What a mess. This thing left a bad taste in my mouth literally and figuratively. The corners of the crust are basically the highlight. This should’ve been a perfect amalgamation of the pizza and chicken bake, but instead it’s a bastardization.

1.66 out of 5 BOOMS, which is appropriately a “boo.”

Purchased Price: $6.99
Size: n/a
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 1,080 calories, 61 grams of fat, 25 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 2000 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of total carbohydrates, 7 grams of total sugars, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 46 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Papa Johns Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza

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Like geologists, Papa Johns has been into crusts recently. More specifically, turning the plain toasted bread-flavored end crust of a pizza into something worthy of consumption. Earlier this year, it dug up the Cheddar Crust Pizza, which I loved. And now that cheesy crust is passing its mantle to the new Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza, which features the chain’s core original crust seasoned with garlic parmesan sauce and a cheese blend of parmesan, romano, asiago, fontina, and provolone.

Much like my attempt to fit geology references into the paragraph above, I wondered if it was necessary to include five cheeses. Would eaters even be able to detect all five? Is this another situation like the number of blades in a disposable razor cartridge? Do we need five cheese crusts and seven blade razors? Well, unlike disposable razor blade cartridges with seven blades, the five cheeses here do make a tasty difference, even though I can’t detect all of them.

My order’s crust looked a tad overcooked. Although I assumed that was because of the catalog of toasted cheeses on it. When I took a bite of the crust, that browned layer gave my teeth delightful tremors with a crisp texture, and the soft dough below it had a pleasant chewiness. Then, the avalanche (oops, slipping back into geology references) of cheesiness came sliding over my taste buds. I can’t say one cheese stood out more than the other. Instead, it was a mingling of them. Also, some crust bites had a stronger flavor than others. But it’s almost as tasty as the Cheddar Crust Pizza.

However, the one flavor that seemed lacking, which I wish there were more of, was the garlic from the sauce. As someone who likes the pungent ingredient, I wanted garlic bread levels of the stuff, but it gets lost a bit among the cheeses. Which is not surprising since the chain’s Garlic Parmesan crust lacked a lot of garlic flavor. However, dipping the crust into Papa Johns’ obligatory Garlic Sauce can easily resolve this.

Much like the previously mentioned cheddar crust pizza, the crust on this menu item kind of reminds me of a cracker I’ve had. But it’s not instantly recognizable as the cheddar one, which I thought tasted like a Cheez-It.

As for the rest of the pizza, it’s what you’d expect from a Papa Johns’ pepperoni pizza. Mild mozzarella cheese, sweet pizza sauce, and salty and meaty pepperoni.

While Papa Johns’ limited time Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza isn’t as earth-shattering as its cheddar predecessor, I think it’s worth a try while it’s still around.

Purchased Price: $15.99*
Size: Large
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 slice) 320 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Dulce de Leche Cinnabon Delights

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Finally, something new from Taco Bell that won’t make a big dent in my contactless payment wallet.

The chain’s new Dulce de Leche Cinnabon Delights are warm donut holes stuffed with Dulce de Leche filling and dusted in salted caramel sugar. At two bucks or so for a two-pack, they’re at a level where it’s easy to add them to an order without the guilt. They’re also available in a 12-pack for sharing, binging, or adding guilt. However, I found them to be mediocre and not worth the 12-pack.

To test these and save money, I picked up a two-pack, and upon inspecting their exterior, they looked good. The salted caramel sugar gives every bite a sugary crispiness that somewhat makes up for the lack of crispiness from the dough’s fried exterior.

While dragging my tongue across the sugar like I’m a horse at a salt lick, I noticed a very weak caramel taste that didn’t have any saltiness. However, I knew that it would be the Dulce de Leche filling that I should be dulce de licking to get most of the flavor. And that filling was…meh. I’m not sure it hits the milky notes of dulce de leche, and instead tasted like a weakened caramel sauce.

Maybe it tasted weak because there wasn’t a lot of sauce stuffed into it. Looking back at my original Taco Bell Cinnabon Delights review, I noticed they were stuffed wall-to-wall with filling. What I saw in these new desserts seemed to be mostly dough, making them significantly less impressive than the original Taco Bell Cinnaballs.

While Taco Bell’s Dulce de Leche Cinnabon Delights are passable, I believe the previous original Cinnabon Delights are superior, much like Taco Bell’s old slogan “Yo quiero, Taco Bell” and the chihuahua that said it is better than any advertisement the chain has produced since.

Purchased Price: $2.59*
Size: 2 pack
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 160 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You might pay the advertised $1.99 price.

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