REVIEW: Kirkland Signature Double Chocolate Chunk Cookie

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Ah, the Costco food court.

There’s nothing better than spending hundreds of bucks to stock your bomb shelter, then trying to weave your tank of a cart around the guy filling a soda cup next to his parked orange flatbed that has an IMAX-sized TV hanging off it.

I just want a hot dog the size of my arm. Sir, can you scootch over a bit?

Everything’s bigger in Texas? I beg to differ; everything’s bigger in Costco. I don’t even wanna ponder what a Costco in Texas must be like, my megalophobia can’t take it!

Ok, now that I got all that hacky “Costco be big” stuff out of the way, let me tell you about the new Double Chocolate Chunk Cookie they’re baking fresh in the food court. It be big. This edible frisbee measures 7 inches across and 1 inch thick while weighing in at a whopping 5.5 ounces.

The “all butter” cookie features both bittersweet and semisweet chocolate chunks, and I reiterate – I love the Costco food court. This is a quality cookie.

I was a little confused by what “all butter” meant at first. How could it be “all butter?” If it was “all butter,” it would be a stick of butter. What about the chocolate? Is that “all butter?”

Well, after I took a bite, I got it. This sucker is buttery, probably a little too buttery. That, coupled with the massive lakes of gooey chocolate, make this a cookie you’re probably gonna want to share. It’s really good, but a few bites go a long way. I ate mine in shifts.

The first few bites had a delicious “out of the oven” softness because they’re served hot and fresh. When I let it sit for a little while, the edges crisped up while the center remained soft and lukewarm. I ate the last third the next morning for breakfast, and it was firm but still chewy. I can’t think of three better cookie experiences texturally, with the middle shift being my favorite.

If you’ve ever bought a box of chocolate chip cookies in the Costco bakery section, these are pretty much just them on steroids. It’s what I expected, and it’s what I got.

So, if you like Costco baked goods, you’re gonna like this. Try one… half of one at most. Just be aware of the challenge you’re in for. I’m a grown man (questionable), so I don’t use the word “tummy,” but the thought of eating this cookie in one sitting makes my tummy hurt. The mere thought has devolved my stomach back to a “tummy.”

I really should stress again how big this behemoth is. I called it a frisbee earlier, but it could probably be used as a discus in the Ozempics – which is a food-based Olympics I’m workshopping and you’re rolling your eyes at.

As far as the loss leaders at the glorious Costco food court go, I still think the hot dog and pizza are king, but this cookie is superior to the churro it’s replacing nationwide. Just go for it. You already bought enough food to feed an army; what’s another 750 calories?

Allow me to lay down a challenge – buy two cookies and a kiddie pool-sized vanilla ice cream, then make the world’s thickest Chipwich. You won’t do it. … Coward.

(Please do it and report back… Coward.)

Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: ~5.5 oz
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 750 calories. No other nutritional info is available.

REVIEW: Papa Johns Cheesy Calzone Epic Stuffed Crust Pizza

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While I’ve eaten less lasagna than Garfield the Cat over my lifetime, thanks to the layered Italian dish, I’m familiar with what ricotta cheese tastes and feels like. So I find it a bit odd that Papa Johns’ Cheesy Calzone Epic Stuffed Crust Pizza, which has a blend of mozzarella and garlic herb ricotta packed into the crust, lacks any indication that the latter cheese is there.

Even when I pulled open the end crust, it only looked like a sea of mozzarella, and there were no herbs. Sure, the person who made mine might’ve not included it, or Garfield the Cat used Odie to distract the Papa Johns employees to suck out the ricotta while the pizza was sitting to be picked up. But I do taste something garlicky in the crust, so I assume the ricotta must be there. That flavor definitely does not come from the crust’s exterior because it looks and tastes as plain as plain can be. Heck, if you look at the whole pizza, it looks as if it’s seen a ghost.

Of course, the amount of ricotta you get in your crust may vary, and the lack of a strong flavor with the end crust can easily be remedied by dipping it into the dependable special garlic sauce that comes with the pizza. But without the sauce, it’s pretty much just a regular stuffed crust pizza.

The end crust of a Papa Johns Cheesy Calzone Epic Stuffed Crust Pizza is supposed to have the flavors of a calzone, but mine didn’t scream CALZONE, nor did it say it at a normal talking volume. I don’t hate it as much as Garfield the Cat hates Mondays, but if the amount of ricotta I got in my pizza is what I’m supposed to get, then it’s very disappointing.

Purchased Price: $18.99*
Size: Large
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 slice) 350 calories, 14 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 mc 910 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ White Hazelnut Bark Coffee

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White chocolate peppermint bark is something that I’ve always associated with the holiday season, but white hazelnut bark I’d never heard of before — and want to try as soon as possible, now that I’ve been made aware of its existence. Until I’m able to track some down, though, I figure the next best thing is to sample it in beverage form via Dunkin’s new White Hazelnut Bark Coffee, part of its hotly anticipated new winter 2024 menu. (Or, because of the season, should I say coldly anticipated? … Okay, fine, that was an awful pun. Please don’t pelt me with snowballs.)

According to Dunkin’s latest press release, this new flavor is inspired by an earlier (and still available) seasonal offering, the Toasted White Chocolate Swirl. I dug a little deeper, searching up Dunkin’s lengthy Allergen and Ingredient Table online, and noted that in addition to that swirl, this coffee also includes cream and “hazelnut flavor.” It is available both hot and iced; I generally enjoy, and surely will eventually try, both, but opted for iced for this review as I think that format is more conducive to clear, distinct flavors, as opposed to hot beverages where they are more likely to muddle together or be overshadowed by the tongue-tingling temperature.

I expected this to be a more white-chocolate-forward drink with hints of hazelnut, but I had the opposite experience: the first flavor that came through was distinctly nutty. Don’t get me wrong, this coffee is certainly sweet and creamy too, but so are sugar and cream, so I wasn’t sure which part of that profile screamed “white chocolate” specifically. And while I absolutely love white chocolate, even I must admit that it’s not the most distinctive beverage flavor, so it makes sense that the hazelnut component would be more dominant.

A common complaint about these dessert-based limited edition flavors is that they are too sweet. Did I find that to be the case here? No… but I was also content with the sugar level of the Ice Spice Munchkin Drink (which was, in a word, ludicrous), so maybe take my opinion with a grain of salt… or a grain of sugar… or several tablespoons of sugar…

In any case, I enjoyed the White Hazelnut Bark Coffee. I just can’t say it was the most unique experience. Regrettably, I also can’t say I prefer it to its predecessor, the Toasted White Chocolate Signature Latte. I have to reiterate that it was a yummy pick-me-up that tasted exactly how it was supposed to. But it was just a little underwhelming — and I can’t in good conscience give a higher score to a product whose most memorable quality was teaching me about a different product I’d rather consume.

Speaking of, now that I’m sufficiently caffeinated, it’s time to hunt down some proper white hazelnut bark!

Purchased Price: $3.91
Size: Small
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 170 calories, 6 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Little Caesars Stuffed Crazy Crust Pizza

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Remember when Little Caesars pizza was available in Kmart stores? You could celebrate a Kmart Red Light Special with a hot and ready pizza for five bucks. Then Kmart went bankrupt and was purchased by Sears, which also went bankrupt. But those events weren’t enough to kill Little Caesars, which still stands tall. Pizza! Pizza! Its latest product is the Stuffed Crazy Crust Pizza.

The round offering features a stuffed crust brushed with the chain’s signature Crazy Crust, a buttery-flavored garlic spread sprinkled with Parmesan. Pepperoni and cheese versions are being advertised, but if you create your own pizza, it’s available as a crust option. I decided to go with the pepperoni. Also, this review will focus only on the Stuffed Crazy Crust since there’s nothing new about the pepperoni and cheese.

Before trying this, the only question I had was, “If an end crust hater stole this pizza from me, ate only the inner parts of the pizza while I chased him around in an abandoned Kmart with Yakety Sax playing on the PA system, and then gave back the box with only the stuffed crust, is what’s left tasty enough that I would eat it instead of discarding it, feeding it to birds, or pressing charges against the end crust hater?”

Well, if that wacky hypothetical series of events ever happened, I’d be perfectly fine with eating just the Stuffed Crazy Crust because I was pleasantly surprised by how good it is.

For this review, I purposely chopped the end crust off two slices and ate them. While I wish the garlic spread was strong enough to make me self-conscious during a conversation, it’s relatively noticeable. Also, the garlic does enhance the rest of the pizza if you take a bite of the crust and follow it up with a bite from the other end. But the Parmesan is quite mild. Although, as you can see in the photos throughout this review, it wasn’t sprinkled liberally on my order. The mozzarella inside provides some salty, cheesy goodness, but its flavor is milder than the Parmesan. As for its texture, there’s a slight crispiness in some areas, but for the most part, it’s similar to regular stuffed crust.

Overall, end crust haters are gonna end crust hate, but I think what Little Caesars’ Stuffed Crazy Crust Pizza offers might be flavorful enough to make some end crust haters think twice before tossing it back into the box.

Purchased Price: $11.99*
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/8 pizza) 393 calories, 21 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 49 milligrams of cholesterol, 990 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 19 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Burger King Shroom n’ Swiss Melt

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From now on, every mushroom and Swiss burger should be called “Shroom n’ Swiss” because it’s so satisfying to say. Go ahead and repeat after me. Shroom n’ Swiss. Don’t forget to shape your lips like you’re going to kiss someone when saying “oo” in shroom and “sw” in Swiss. See. Fun.

Burger King’s latest addition to the limited time only BK Melts line is the fun-to-pronounce Shroom n’ Swiss Melt. (Don’t forget to shape your lips.) It features two flame-grilled beef patties, two Swiss cheese slices, roasted mushrooms, and Royal Sauce between two toasted bread rounds. This was my first time dining on a BK Melt, so I was a little disappointed to learn it uses Whopper Jr. patties. But there are two of them, so it’s still quite meaty.

Yes, it looks like a hot mess. But it’s a tasty hot mess. Although, it’s not that messy because none of those usually slippery mushrooms fell out of my burger. I guess I should thank the Swiss cheese. It may have holes, but it won’t let anything get past them when melted. However, when it comes to flavor, the Swiss is a miss. But thank goodness for BK’s Royal Sauce, which I’ve praised in the past and does a lot of the heavy lifting in this burger to make it taste good. Its cheesy and savory taste makes up for what the white cheese lacks, and could be confused for the cheese.

As for the roasted shrooms, their savory, earthy flavor comes through with every bite, and they provide that familiar chew they’re known for. Finally, the toasted bread rounds held everything together without falling apart, but they added nothing flavor-wise.

Burger King’s Shroom n’ Swiss Melt (Don’t forget to shape your lips.) is an enjoyable continuation of the BK Melts line, but it doesn’t reinvent the mushroom and Swiss burger. It looks a little different, thanks to the flat toast pieces, but the flavors are mostly the same as those that have come before it.

Purchased Price: $11.99 (meal)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 860 calories, 57 grams of fat, 25 grams of saturated fat, 0.3 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of cholesterol, 1060 milligrams of sodium, 38.3 grams of carbohydrates, 4.2 grams of fiber, 8.1 grams of sugar, and 48 grams of protein.

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