I thought I’d seen all the shapes fried mozzarella could come in: cylindrical, square-ish, flat (looking at you, TGI Fridays), wedges, balls, curds… but I can confidently say that Burger King has surprised me with its new Mozzarella Fries.

To be clear, it’s not the “Mozzarella” part that’s new, just the conjunction with the “Fries” part. Burger King has had a more traditionally named and shaped order of mozzarella sticks on its menu before, but like its beloved poultry predecessor, the Chicken Fries, this new creation takes those standard sticks and stretches them into a longer, thinner shape (no potatoes are actually involved) and plops them into a cute and colorful carton for convenient—and showy—snacking.

However, I did have some confusion about whether they were intended to be an appetizer or the main event. I ordered mine from the “Sides” section on the kiosk, which seems pretty self-explanatory, but I was also given the more meal-esque option of 4, 8, or 12 pieces and an offer to actually “Make it a meal?” by adding, well, regular fries. That seemed like a bit of a stretch (no pun intended), so I demurred, but I still ordered the largest size and got something that at least resembled a proper dinner in terms of portion, if not nutritional content.

Anyway, the ideal mozzarella stick for me is one with cheese that’s dense rather than stretchy, with the mozzarella and the breading being such distinct entities that you can nibble the breading off entirely without marring the solid contents within. That, as I guessed just by looking at them, is not the experience provided by the Mozzarella Fries. The cheese and the breading here are quite codependent; when you take a bite of the thick, crisp outside, the hot, runny inside instantly loses its shape, oozing out in an Instagram-worthy cheese pull.

The thinness of these sticks makes them quite brittle, too: a good portion of my order was bent or snapped completely in half, which didn’t really detract from the quality but was interesting to note in comparison to the sturdier, stabler conventional mozzarella stick.

And just like it doesn’t have much of its own shape, the mozzarella doesn’t have much of its own flavor either. The toasty breading, which was fried potently enough to give off a powerful smell and had a small bit of zest from a spice I couldn’t identify but whose presence I appreciated, made up most of the taste experience. Even when I nibbled some of the stretchy cheese on its own, I was hard-pressed to come up with a description for it. It was just mild (and perhaps even, as the kids would say, “mid”).

These come with marinara sauce on the side, which seemed like a sensible way to jazz things up… but don’t be fooled. I was mildly concerned upon opening my packet and seeing a dark, gelatinous mass that looked more like barbecue sauce. I should have heeded that discomfort because the sauce was so acidic it tasted like I was dipping my Mozzarella Fries in straight vinegar.

Overall, though, these still provided a great experience—the novel fry shape and the joyfulness of mozzarella sticks, in general, were fun enough that I was happy to overlook the fact that they’re ever so slightly lackluster. Apologies for being cheesy, but there is “mozz” to like!

Purchased Price: $6.39
Size: 12 pieces
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 730 calories, 36 grams of fat, 2,350 milligrams of sodium, 71 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, and 29 grams of protein.

What do Keith Richards and Burger King have in common?

Other than both being famously flame broiled, you’re probably absolutely shocked they’ve made it to their 70th birthdays.

I always expect my local BK to be a shelled-out husk on my next visit, only to be seen again in a YouTube compilation called “Absolute Dumpsters You Used to Eat at as a Kid.”

With that said, I’m a loyal BK defender, and I’m happy they still exist. Despite becoming one of the punching bags of the fast food industry, the King is celebrating his 70th birthday, so let us raise our Coca-Cola Freestyle concoctions in the air and toast – Long live the King. I doff my paper crown to thee.

How does one celebrate their royal seventennial? Well, with a Birthday Pie, of course. Ya know, birthday pies, the traditional capper for any great birthday celebration. A Birthday Pie sounds less real than the word “seventennial,” yet here we are.

BK hasn’t really hit us with many pie options over the years, but its mainstay, Hershey’s Pie, is great, so I was very much looking forward to this one.

I’ve been served Hershey’s Pie. I know Hershey’s Pie. Hershey’s Pie is a favorite of mine. Birthday Pie, you are no Hershey’s Pie. The concept is flawed from jump – it’s a pie filling that tastes like cake? Just give us cake. Let us eat cake.

The Birthday Pie tastes like three slightly contrasting versions of artificial vanilla in a cookie crust. On the surface, that seems appetizing enough, but it’s just very… vanilla. The pie consists of a birthday cake-flavored pie filling, which tastes like blended cake in a weird viscous form, so it kinda leaves you yearning for cake, which you only get in the form of little tease cake bites glued on top of the off-pudding, which is quite off-putting. (Thanks)

The cookie crust is vaguely “graham” flavored, but the filling is so wet it makes the crust limp. It, like me, had no integrity. There’s also whipped topping and sprinkles, so it’s just weighed down with more “sweet” nothings.

This slice just ends up having a vague combination of flavors I can really only describe as “generically sweet.” That’s what “birthday” flavor has become. It’s just sugar. Sometimes it’s confetti cake, sometimes it’s vanilla, but mostly it’s just “sugar flavored!” I think I’m officially over “birthday” as a flavor. Good thing McDonald’s is ushering in the world’s new favorite abstract flavor – “Grandma.”

If you’re interested in a mashup of low-quality vanilla pudding, soft Nilla Wafers, and whipped cream, go for it. Maybe you can make a wish for something better next year.

I should also note this thing has an encyclopedia of ingredients. If a European saw the label, they wouldn’t live to see another birthday.

I actually think this pie is a good metaphor for life because it got old in the blink of an eye. As Keith Richards’ friend, Whatshisface, once said, “What a drag it is getting old.”

Anyway, if you insist on trying the Birthday Pie, get the $6 Birthday meal, or get it free in the app on June 1st.

Now sing it with me, “at B-K, Happy Birth-day. You rule!*”

*Sometimes. Not this time.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 260 calories, 14 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 190 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, 21 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.