REVIEW: Dairy Queen French Silk Pie Blizzard

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My wife rarely reads my reviews, so I’m going to roll the dice and hope she doesn’t see the following statement: If I could marry a member of the pie family, I would get on bended knee and offer a glistening strawberry ring pop to French silk pie so that we could be together forever

I’m not even a big pie person, but there’s something about that smooth, chocolatey goodness that just gets me. So, I was quite interested in trying Dairy Queen’s new-ish French Silk Pie Blizzard, which is part of the Fall Blizzard menu. It was apparently introduced in 2004 and has been available at various times since, but we’ve never reviewed it. It’s quite possible—even likely—that I’ve had it in the past and forgot, considering I don’t even remember what I ate for lunch today, and I had to check my phone to determine the day of the week. So it’s new to me.

I knew I would probably like this Blizzard, but the question was whether I would love it. The list of components was promising: choco chunks, pie pieces, and cocoa fudge with whipped topping. But despite my high hopes, let’s just say this Blizzard is more like a friend rather than marriage material. The chocolate flavor is great, and even a bit silky, at least as silky as you can get for ice cream, and the whipped topping always makes a Blizzard better.

My issue is the pie crust. I’m not sure if my local DQ got a bad batch, but the crust pieces were very crunchy, almost with the consistency of an animal cracker. There was very little of the crumbliness I associate with pie crust, and the pieces were monstrous, with a few being about the size of two Cinnamon Toast Crust pieces fused together. And the flavor was more like a cookie than pie crust.

Again, the chocolate part was wonderful. The cocoa fudge flavor did a perfect job of transforming the vanilla soft serve into chocolatey bliss, and the choco chunks brought an added layer of texture and taste. But the crust pieces just put a damper on the whole thing.

So I like you, French Silk Pie Blizzard, but I’m sorry to say that I don’t want to marry you. But we can still be friends. And yes, it is you, not me.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: Small
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 730 calories, 33 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 310 milligrams of sodium, 98 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 76 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dairy Queen Caramel Java Chip Blizzard

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I’m 10 percent sure Dairy Queen Caramel Java Chip Blizzard has no caffeine. But I’m 100 percent sure it has coffee, choco-espresso crunch pieces, and caramel topping blended with soft serve because I copied and pasted most of this sentence from the Dairy Queen app. Looking through the ingredients of the dessert that I’m 10 percent sure children should eat, I noticed instant coffee and coffee concentrate. Okay, I’m eight percent sure now.

As you can guess from the photo above, my Blizzard was not served upside down. But it didn’t help that I took a short outdoor walk from the Dairy Queen to someplace with enough light to take decent photos, which ended up being the sitting area of a Starbucks inside a Target. The heat and humidity probably caused more melting. (Yes, I bought something from the Starbucks.)

But sitting next to those baristas was helpful because doing so made me realize that I probably got more coffee flavor in my mouth by breathing in the air at a Starbucks inside a Target than I did from the Caramel Java Chip Blizzard.

Those choco-espresso crunch pieces aren’t chocolate-covered espresso beans. Instead, they’re coffee-flavored rice crisps in a chocolatey coating, and the way they crunch reminds me more of Buncha Crunch candy than cocoa-coated espresso beans. Mine had a lot of them, enough that every spoonful had one. But the java flavor isn’t robust even with so many of them. With the first few spoonfuls, I could notice it, but at some point, that faded, and I mostly tasted the coating with a slight dark chocolate bitterness.

Much like the choco-espresso crunch pieces, the caramel topping mixed with the soft serve makes itself known with every spoonful, and I wonder if its buttery sweetness contributed to the lack of java flavor. Also, I didn’t taste any coffee when eating the caramel-enhanced soft serve on its own. However, the chocolate and caramel combination is good, and the crispy crunch from those chocolatey pieces is delightful.

Despite eating a small order, I still don’t know if Dairy Queen’s Caramel Java Chip Blizzard contains caffeine. However, ordering and drinking a Starbucks cold brew while eating the Blizzard and writing this review probably prevented me from finding out. But what I do know is that this needs more coffee flavor. It’s so weak that I could convince the Starbucks baristas in front of me that this is a Choco Caramel Blizzard.

Purchased Price: $6.89*
Size: Small
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 630 calories, 22 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 95 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 76 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Dunkalatte

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Fall is famous for many things: sweater weather, back-to-school season, and the extreme prevalence of pumpkin spice. But for me, the most important thing it brings is a new fall menu from Dunkin’. And while this menu always welcomes returning favorites (refer to my note about pumpkin spice), this year, I had my eye on something new and a little more unique: the Dunkalatte.

I have to be honest, it first caught my attention because I had no idea what this drink actually was. Skimming Dunkin’s latest press release revealed some answers—but also more questions. Okay, this thing is a “coffee milk latte,” but… isn’t “coffee” plus “milk” literally the definition of a latte? What could it possibly mean to put all three of those words together in a row?

Luckily, the press release anticipated my confusion and went on to educate me that “coffee milk,” apparently, is none other than the official state beverage of Rhode Island. More specifically, it is… exactly what it sounds like. A combination of milk with coffee flavoring! Long story short, Dunkin’s new offering combines coffee milk with espresso for a drink that they promise will be extra smooth and creamy. Consider my curiosity piqued!

And my desire reached a fever pitch when I strolled into my local Dunkin and was met by a sign boasting a psychedelic coffee-colored swirl adorned with the bold claim that this product “Tastes like a melty milkshake.” I’m usually a hot coffee girl, but this statement seemed like it would be best tested by the iced variant, and hey, I’m not one to ever turn down anything related to milkshakes.

I must admit that this Dunkin’ order started the same way I start all of my Dunkin’ orders—by horribly underestimating how large its “large” is. Yes, I wanted a caffeine boost to help with my early morning, but I didn’t need quite that much! Luckily, my Dunkalatte was so delicious that I was ultimately grateful for its comically oversized proportions.

As was promised, this thing was indeed noticeably creamier than a usual latte. Iced coffee can quickly become watery, but the richness of the coffee milk base here prevented that effectively, with the pleasant result that my massive beverage went down just as smoothly after an hour on the train as my first sip did immediately after departing Dunkin’s doors. It was wonderfully sweet (I think the mellow flavor of the coffee milk masked the harshness of the espresso, which was a big plus for a Frappuccino fiend like me: the coffee flavor is certainly still there, it’s just not as in-your-face), and the texture felt thicker than a regular latte. All in all, Dunkin’ sure wasn’t kidding: “melty milkshake” is an extremely accurate depiction. But don’t worry, that won’t impact your caffeine fix—despite its dessert-like nature, this Dunkalatte definitely still delivered a buzz.

If you’re able to look past this drink’s vague name, you’ll discover something that will perk you up while also tasting indulgently incredible. Plus, it introduced me to the concept of state beverages, so please excuse me while I dive back down that rabbit hole!

Purchased Price: $5.43
Size: Large
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 410 calories, 13 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 350 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbohydrates, 58 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Popeyes Chocolate Chip Biscuits

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Biscuits might be the unsung hero of the fast food world. Sure, they’re empty calories, they’re excessively buttery while somehow still being dry as a bone, and oftentimes they’re as stale as the “jokes” I’m assuredly gonna attempt in this review… but I don’t care because I’m a fan of everyone’s.

While biscuits have thrived as breakfast breads and chicken sides, I can’t recall many instances of them being utilized in a fast food dessert. That is until now with Popeyes’ new Chocolate Chip Biscuits.

This is big news, because I love those biscuits from Popeyes!

When I saw that these new biscuits were about to drop, I was burning with anticipation. Unfortunately, so was my local Popeyes, because it literally burned down. Yeah. It’s gone. Kinda felt like a bad omen.

Thankfully, it happened overnight, and there were no injuries, but driving by the charred husk of the restaurant really made me lose my appetite.

… for a couple days. I found the next closest Popeyes and snagged one. The dough must go on.

Chocolate Chip Biscuits are basically what you think they are. Well, not what our British readers think they are. They’re thinking of cookies, and these aren’t cookies. Popeyes’ Chocolate Chip Biscuits are standard biscuits dotted with chocolate chips and topped with sweet icing. I think our friends in England might call these “scones?”

It’s funny because I was fully expecting this to taste like a scone. An American scone, I guess? Ya know, those hard, misshapen muffin… things. They’re fine. I would’ve been ok with that, but Popeyes did something pretty unique here by just plussing up its standard biscuits.

Mine was warm, sweet, and salty. Incredibly salty. I think it may have been pulled from the saltiest bin in the joint, and as a sodium addict, I kinda loved that. It tasted like a mistake, if I’m being honest.

The crispy salted base of the biscuit was counterbalanced by the sweet generic icing on top almost perfectly. “Salty-sweet” fans should definitely be satisfied, even if theirs isn’t as seasoned as mine.

Now, I say that, but you’ll notice how I didn’t highlight the chocolate. The chips are supposed to be the stars of the show, and they kinda get lost. These aren’t bursting with chocolate flavor. It’s there, but I think the dry biscuit batter dehydrated the chocolate, and the icing was so sweet it didn’t give the chips room to really shine.

I guess I was ultimately disappointed in how light the chocolate was. Honestly, it wasn’t premium chocolate anyway, so maybe it was for the best. I kinda wish mine was a bit softer as well, but it probably worked out better structurally. A softer biscuit would’ve been a crumbly, sticky mess.

Popeyes’ Chocolate Chip Biscuit is imperfect, but I still enjoyed the balance, and I think it’s unique and tasty enough to chase your chicken dinner with. It’s too bad they aren’t open early because these would probably make a great breakfast.

I say give ’em a try, but just make sure your local Popeyes is still standing first.

Purchased Price: $2.19
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 310 calories, 14 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 340 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of total carbohydrates, 24 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Popeyes Sweet ‘N Smokey Chipotle Wings

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With football season here, it’s time to be disappointed with who you drafted for your fantasy football team and eat some grub while watching a game. And Popeyes is offering something new to drown your sorrows of having a quarterback who scores negative fantasy football points — Sweet’ N Smokey Chipotle Wings.

According to Popeyes, the new menu item is available with bone-in or boneless wings, which are tossed in a sauce with a blend of smokey chipotle and guajillo peppers with a sweet and bold BBQ base that has a hint of honey for some sweetness that balances out the heat. I ended up getting a six-piece boneless wings order.

Tiny chipotle pieces are floating in the reddish sauce, and its smell instantly pops barbecue sauce into my head. Like I’ve found with previous Popeyes wings orders, I have to drag the pieces through the sauce dregs at the bottom of the container to coat them properly. Much like its scent, its taste brings a sweet, smokey, and spicy barbecue sauce to mind, which is a bit disappointing because, with its name, I expected a flavor that wasn’t barbecue-like.

Yes, I know what I wrote in the description above, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but I only found out it had a barbecue base after some digging in the Popeyes app while typing this review. I will admit that Sweet ‘N Smokey Chipotle would be less confusing than calling it Sweet’ N Smokey BBQ, which might be confused for the Honey BBQ and Sweet’ N Spicy sauces.

There’s a kick with the viscous goo, so if you’re heat adverse, you might not like it. The honey’s sweetness definitely helps cut through the spiciness. But it’s a mild burn that, for me, doesn’t require any cool liquids or me running to the cashier at Popeyes to order a lemonade with an urgency similar to asking for a restroom lock code with a toddler who says, “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Beyond the sauce, the chicken itself was what I expected from the chicken chain — a very crispy exterior, tender meaty inside, and those Cajun spices that aren’t noticeable thanks to the sweet and spicy coating.

Popeyes Sweet ‘N Smokey Chipotle Wings would be a great addition to your game day spread, and I wouldn’t hesitate to order them again if I want a bit more of a kick than what the chain’s Honey BBQ Wings provide. They’re definitely not as disappointing as a quarterback who throws for four interceptions, has two fumbles, and zero touchdowns.

Purchased Price: $7.99*
Size: 6-piece order
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 730 calories, 35 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 90 milligrams of cholesterol, 2710 milligrams of sodium, 79 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 49 grams of sugar, and 27 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

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