Domino’s Philly Cheese Steak Oven Baked Sandwich

/ / Reviews / 20 Comments

Good news for people who love the idea of delivered food but hate eating Domino’s pizza! These oven-baked sandwiches are actually pretty tasty for something that comes from a nationwide pizza chain. That probably isn’t say much considering most new products from these companies usually involve various varieties of pizza dipped in ranch dressing, but these sandwiches most likely pack enough flavor and heft to satisfy you.

Domino’s has been pushing these sandwiches for a while because they want to compete with Subway for your lunch-time dollars. They have even gone as far as to set up taste tests to see if they can compete with Subway’s fresh flavors. They thoroughly kick Subway’s ass in these surveys, but that’s not a great accomplishment when Subway uses processed chicken and Domino’s sandwiches are basically made from bacon and lard. It would take Jared another thousand Veggie Delites to burn the calories from a month of eating these babies. That’s what we call a “mismatch,” folks.

But I suppose if you’re ordering from Domino’s, you really don’t mind a little grease dripping from your sandwich. Hell, that’s how you know it’s good! I ordered the Philly Cheese Steak one and intently watched Domino’s Online Pizza Tracker as it baked in a 450-degree oven. When it arrived, I took note of the grease spots surrounding the box and its impressive-but-won’t-scare-the-ladies 8-inch length.

I bit into the “thick and crispy artisan bread,” which tasted like a cross between Ciabatta bread on the outside and pizza dough on the inside. It wasn’t bad and held up pretty well through the delivery process even if it’s nothing like a real Philly cheese steak roll. The steak wasn’t piled as high as I would have liked, but it was real steak topped with nicely melted provolone cheese and a random smattering of peppers and onions.

I must say that it’s pretty much the farthest thing away from authentic that I can think of. It’s still nonetheless a tasty steak sandwich that filled me up. I can’t really stand eating Domino’s pizza, so this is a good alternative to order when I have cheap friends over who enjoy their 5-5-5 Deal. A ringing endorsement if there ever was one!

(Nutritional Facts – 1 sub – 690 calories, 250 calories from fat, 27 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 90 mg of cholesterol, 2080 mg of sodium, 72 grams of carbs, 41 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin C, 50% Calcium, and 15% iron)

Item: Domino’s Philly Cheese Steak Oven Baked Sandwich
Price: $4.99
Purchased at: Domino’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Real, unprocessed slices of steak. Bread doesn’t get soggy after being delivered. Cheese and toppings are nicely melted. Much better than Domino’s actual pizza.
Cons: It’s going to make you feel fat. Meat isn’t really piled that high. Doesn’t taste like a real cheese steak. Can be pricey once delivery + tip are taken into account.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger

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When I looked at the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger, which consisted of a beef patty, guacamole, two strips of bacon, melted pepper jack cheese, red onions, tomatoes, and lettuce on a toasted sesame seed bun, it reminded of three things: my hardening arteries, the movie Ghostbusters, and Christmas.

This avocado lovin’ burger reminded me of the movie Ghostbusters because the guacamole is the same color as the ectoplasmic goo that made up the green gluttonous ghost, Slimer, and just like the ectoplasmic goo, the guacamole is messy and ends up everywhere. The Guacamole Bacon Burger also reminded me of Christmas because of its excessive use of red and green ingredients. It was like walking through the Christmas decoration aisles at Wal-Mart. The red strips of bacon were like red strips of ribbon, the leaves of green lettuce were like leaves of green wrapping paper, the red onions were like the red tinsel wrapped around the a Christmas tree, and the green guacamole was like the puke from Santa’s overworked, sweatshop elves.

Although the burger did remind me that there are only a little more than ten weeks until Christmas and it used an excessive amount of holiday colors that made me wish I was colorblind, it was one of the tastiest burgers I’ve had in a while and if the Grinch tries to steal it from me, not even Dr. Seuss will be able to save his ass from the beating I would give him. The burger was quite tasty, thanks to the guacamole, which wasn’t too avocado-y and didn’t overpower the other ingredients, like Kim Kardashian’s ass does to other riders in an elevator. The green topping also surprisingly brought a little heat to the burger. The strips of bacon were decent-sized and had a smoky flavor that complemented well with everything else.

The only major thing I didn’t like about the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger was that there were too many cold ingredients in it. The patty was well cooked, but the vegetables and the guacamole brought down the overall temperature of the burger, which was kind of weird when you’re expecting a hot sandwich.

Beyond its taste, what I also liked about this burger was Carl’s Jr.’s willingness to add ingredients that other fast food places wouldn’t have the balls…I mean, cojones to use. They’ve added a pineapple to their Teriyaki Burger and I think they were the first ones to add jalapeno peppers to a burger.

I just hope the next burger they try to make will remind me of Halloween, perhaps orange tomatoes, black mushrooms, and purple eggplant?

Get on it, Carl’s Jr!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 850 calories, 55 g of fat, 16 g of saturated fat, 105 mg of cholesterol, 1430 mg of sodium, 55 g of carbohydrates, 10 g sugar, 4 g dietary fiber, and 32 g of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger
Price: $3.59
Size: Single
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Really tasty. Guacamole added a nice flavor and some heat to the burger. Guacamole didn’t overpower the other ingredients. Carl’s Jr. having the balls to use ingredients that other won’t. The movie Ghostbusters.
Cons: Too many cold ingredients brought down overall temperature of burger. Guacamole makes the burger extremely messy. Excessive use of Christmas colors. Great source of sodium. Great source of saturated fat.

Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger

/ / Reviews / 23 Comments

Moderator: Good evening. I’m someone from PBS that you’ve never heard of and welcome to some dude’s living room for the first and only fast food debate between The King from Burger King and Marvo from the blog The Impulsive Buy. Tonight’s discussion will cover one topic, the new Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger. Let’s begin. This first questions goes to you, King. What is the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger and why is it so important?

The King: (Pulls out mushroom in one hand and swiss cheese in the other hand, smashes them together, and then rubs stomach.)

Moderator: Your response, Marvo.

Marvo: I agree with The King that mushrooms and swiss cheese are a classic combination and I was excited to see it come with this new burger. But it’s not just those two, it also contains crispy onions, A1 Steak Sauce on an Angus beef patty. This burger is important because the Whopper teat is dry and there aren’t anymore new variations to come up with. So Burger King needs a new burger to milk and the Steakhouse burgers are the tit they’re going to suck on.

Moderator: This next questions is for you, Marvo. Do you support the use of the extra wide oval-shaped Angus beef patty in this burger, instead of the usual round patties, like in the Whopper?

Marvo: That’s a great question, unnamed moderator from PBS. I’m an American and I enjoy stuffing meat into my mouth. I may have a little trouble sticking its whole girth in my mouth, but you know what they say, the bigger the meat, the better. The Angus patty is pretty big and if you take off the top bun of this burger, it looks like an aircraft carrier of crispy onions and mushrooms.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Nods, points to Marvo, and then gives a thumbs up.)

Moderator: The next question goes to you, King. (The King is not at his podium) Um…Where did he go?

(The King sneaks up on the moderator, offering him a Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger.)

Moderator: No thanks. Now if you would head back to your podium so that we can continue with this debate, you sneaky, freaky mo’fo. Now back to the question. Consumer groups have complained that some of Burger King’s menu items are extremely unhealthy, like the Triple Whopper, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and the BK Quad Stacker, and it seems the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger can also be added to the list. What are your thoughts about what these consumer groups have to say?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Marvo: Can I add something to what The King said?

Moderator: Go ahead.

Marvo: Thanks. I’ve tried a number of Burger King’s worst items and I believe that my life might’ve been shortened a little because of it, but I believe that regulation is what needs to be in place. It’s all right to eat these things once in awhile, but we have to regulate and moderate how often we eat a burger that has over 20 grams of saturated fat and 2,000 milligrams of sodium. I do like eating fast food, but I know I can’t eat it all the time because I enjoy being able to look down and see my penis.

Moderator: This question is for you, King. What do you think of the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger?

The King: (Rubs stomach and then gives a double thumbs up.)

Moderator: Do you have a response, Marvo?

Marvo: I have to disagree with The King. The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger looks really good on paper, but I was really disappointed with it. There were a lot of those crispy onions on it, but I wished there was just as many mushroom on it as well, because every bite that I took with a mushroom, along with all the other ingredients, was really good. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of mushrooms on the burger. I counted four small mushrooms on mine. Thankfully, the A1 Steak Sauce saved it from being a really lame burger, but again, the mushrooms would’ve totally made this burger, if there was significantly more of them.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Moderator: Well then, now we will move on to your closing statements. We will begin with you, Marvo.

Marvo: The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger could’ve been a great burger. The patty was a nice size and the A1 Steak Sauce was nice, but the lack of mushrooms was a totally downer. If you’re going to call it a mushroom & swiss burger, it better have a shitload of mushrooms. Thank you.

Moderator: Now your closing statements, King.

The King: (Moons audience. Tattoo of Wendy from Wendy’s shown on left butt cheek. Then storms off stage.)

Moderator: Well then, this concludes this debate. I’d like to thank The King and Marvo for participating. Good night.

Item: Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger
Price: $3.50
Size: Wide
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Big wide burger. Had the potential to be a really good burger. A1 Steak Sauce is a good condiment to add. Being able to see my penis.
Cons: Lack of mushrooms. Lack of any tomatoes or lettuce. Crispy onions added a crunchy texture, but not much to its taste. Don’t currently have nutrition info, but it’s probably bad for you. The King’s ability to sneak up on people. The King not being able to speak. The dry Whopper teat.

Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings

/ / Reviews / 8 Comments

“Why would we fry a jalapeno?”

That was the response I got from the first Del Taco I went to. And it pretty much sums the crazy world of the fast food arms race that we live in. It took me four Del Taco’s and a gallon of gas before I finally arrived at a location that sold these mysterious treats. The Del Taco’s that don’t sell these looked at me like I was either insane or pulling a stupid prank. The Del Taco that did sell these things pimped them out like Christmas had come early. They are red and green, I suppose.

After realizing that I put far too much time and effort into finding something that most stoners have already made at home, I was finally able to try one of these crispy rings. My first mistake was popping one in my mouth while I was driving back home. Not only did the oil scorch my soft palate, but the combination of heat and fat managed to squeeze through my blood within a matter of seconds. I clutched at my heart as I felt a sharp sting run through my chest, nearly barreling off the road.

Don’t eat these while you’re driving.

I somehow made it home and opened the bag to find a meager box of deep-fried jalapeno slices that looked pretty sad and lonely in there. I looked through the rest of the bag incredulously, wondering why I paid $1.79 for what amounts to three jalapenos and a tablespoon of flour and water. I eventually got over it and ate a few more pieces before my body forced me to stop. The slices have been pickled, so you’ll get some moisture once you bite past the crispy-as-advertised outer batter. Other than that, they’re just fried jalapenos that will almost certainly give you nausea or a stomachache if you eat the whole thing.

I should note that it comes with what is advertised as a white “secret sauce” that looks and tastes just like Trader Joe’s tahini sauce. That is to say, it pretty much tastes like watered down yogurt. I would tell you what it tastes like with some ranch dipping sauce, but Del Taco doesn’t have that and basically shut me down when I asked. Bastards!

Stick with jalapeno poppers for now. They might not come in festive colors, but at least you’ll have some cream cheese to cheer your up.

Item: Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings
Price: $1.79
Purchased at: Del Taco
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Batter stays extremely crispy for a while. Jalapeno slices are plenty spicy. Comes in two colors.
Cons: Pricey for the amount you get. Special sauce does not taste very special. The feeling inside of your body after consuming deep fried jalapenos.

Jamba Juice White Gummi

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White or clear gummi bears are a rare species, despite being around as long as other species of gummi bears. It seems like every time I find myself among a sloth of gummi bears, there are hardly any white gummi bears around. Perhaps they are endangered or because of their semi-clear bodies they blend into their environment, making them hard to see, or maybe they like to stay hidden because they are embarrassed by their semen-like color.

They say the white gummi bear is the least ferocious among the different varieties. When faced with danger, it prefers to use diplomacy and gifts rather than its claws and teeth in a fight. It chooses this route because it doesn’t like to see the money it spent on manicures and teeth whitening to go to waste, and it doesn’t like blood because it can easily become stained on its clear coat. If diplomacy and gifts don’t work, the white gummi bear will show its teeth and consult with its lawyer to find out what actions it should take. The lack of violence is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of sophistication.

With their clear bodies, white gummi bears are masters of concealment, and if you do catch a glimpse of an adult during the day, it’s generally not doing very much at all, just watching soap operas and talk shows. Adults are generally solitary, much more secretive than red or green gummi bears and are considered the emo members of the group. Because of their stealth, white gummi bears — not surprisingly — are the least known of all gummi bears and are no fun to play hide-and-seek with.

White gummi bears are also the least popular among all other gummi bears, usually because they lack a “fun color” that makes the homies say “ho” and the girlies wanna scream, and because they are snobby assholes. Despite being stuck up, the semen-colored, pineapple-flavored white gummi bear is my favorite and I am notorious for pulling all of them out of a big bag of gummi bears, keeping them for myself.

Over the years, I’ve heard rumors of a white gummi bear flavored Jamba Juice smoothie that’s part of a “secret menu” that you won’t find on the menu board and also involves a secret handshake and password. So I put on my best safari khaki outfit and journeyed out in search of the elusive Jamba Juice White Gummi, which turned out to be not so elusive since I was able to order it at the first Jamba Juice I went to.

The Jamba Juice White Gummi tasted exactly like a white gummi bear and it was damn good…and damn sweet. It was so sweet that I’m surprised my teeth didn’t rot away while sucking it down. After doing some research, it turns out that the smoothie consists of peach juice, raspberry sherbet, lime sherbet, pineapple sherbet, and mango, which sounds healthy, but with all the sherbet included, it probably has enough sugar to power a small home, if that home was powered by a little boy on a treadmill who was fed the Jamba Juice White Gummi.

Item: Jamba Juice White Gummi
Price: $4.95
Size: 30 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a white gummi bear. Really good. Knowing what a group of bears is called. Saving on your energy bill by having a home powered by a little boy on a treadmill.
Cons: Really sweet. It’s probably extremely bad for you. Not on menu board at Jamba Juice. White gummi bears are no fun to play hide-and-seek with. Might not be available at all Jamba Juice locations. White gummi bears being semen colored.

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