REVIEW: White Castle A.1. Specialty Slider

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Even though I’m an urban dweller, I love driving. There’s just something about pushing your foot on the gas pedal and revving your engine when you get on the freeway, unless you’re rolling in some “green machine” that has an engine quieter than Helen Keller. I’m a big fan of the road trip; it is the quintessential way to discover yourself, or go on the run to escape the Feds.

Before writing for TIB, I never ate fast food. I didn’t even eat at McDonald’s when I traveled throughout Europe, but times have changed. Although I still refuse to eat meat products from the two scary fast food redheads, the plastic King and other first tier fast food restaurants, I now feel like it’s my duty to partially block my arteries on occasion and seek out what second tier fast food establishments have to offer. However, the problem with some second tier places is that they aren’t located around every corner like hookers in a shady neighborhood and Starbucks.

Yeah, I equated Starbucks with prostitutes. They’re just the hookers of the upper-middle class suburbs and chic urban centers.

I wanted to try White Castle for a while; probably since 2004 when that classic piece of cinema, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle was released. Six years ago, the nearest White Castle was about 300 miles away from me, but since then I moved closer to one of those cute little buildings that look like they were built by children playing on the beach using colorful plastic buckets. However, I never had the time, nor did anyone share my desire to spend more on gas than a fast food meal to get a fast food meal, but finally I did it and hit the road with one of my friends. We were like Harold and Kumar, except not Asian, Indian, stoners, or two guys. Maybe we were like Thelma and Louise, except neither of us killed anyone and we didn’t drive off of a cliff.

After a long drive, which unfortunately didn’t involve a Neil Patrick Harris cameo, we finally saw the little white building that is one of the meccas of all things small (which also includes the Little People of America National Convention and the primetime lineup on TLC). Apparently, 8:30 p.m. on a Saturday night is a down time for the Castle, because we were the only people inside.

The A.1. Specialty Slider was sold as a combo deal. Three sliders, a “saver sized” drink and a “saver sized” order of crinkled cut fries. I thought the saver size was a small, but it’s about half the size of a small. These special sliders are only topped with White Castle’s famous chopped onions and a generous dollop of A.1. Steak Sauce. These simple ingredients continues White Castle’s tradition of using the K.I.S.S Philosophy — Keep it Simple Stupid. This should not be confused with the KISS Philosophy, which is to bang as many women as you can while wearing glam rock makeup and holding a guitar that shoots out flames.

Now if I was drunk, or stoned, these things would have been awesome, and I probably would have ordered two combos, but since I was only under the influence of the lure of White Castle, these burgers were pretty average. Also, cheese would’ve been nice, but maybe I’m asking too much. They tasted better than the ones you can get in the freezer section at Costco, but I’m sure you can recreate the A.1. Slider easily by just putting a glob of A.1. on it. I didn’t think I could get full off of just three sliders and a Barbie-sized order of fries, but it did satisfy me and shockingly I didn’t need to use the W.C. after I ate at WC.

(Nutrition Facts – a regular slider without A.1. Sauce (nutrition facts for A.1. slider not available on website) – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: White Castle A.1. Specialty Slider
Price: $2.99
Size: 3 sliders, a saver sized drink and a saver sized fries.
Purchased at: White Castle
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Road trips. Just enough A.1. Sauce. Enjoying White Castle while sober so I can remember it. Harold and Kumar. Crinkle cut fries were nice and hot. Not needing to use the bathroom after eating White Castle.
Cons: Would have tasted better if I was under the influence. Barbie-sized fries weren’t enough. Limp bun. Limp Gene Simmons. Would have improved with cheese.

REVIEW: Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice

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Last summer, I reviewed Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice (or Water Ice where I’m from) and it certainly deserved a perfect ten rating. I mean, seriously, if this thing was in a figure skating competition, it would have wowed the judges, even the hard as nails Russian judge who gives everyone, probably including his or her mama, extremely low scores.

If the Swedish Fish Italian Ice was on this season of Dancing With The Stars, it could call Kate Gosselin a terrible mother, motorboat Pam Anderson’s wonder titties and tell Buzz Aldrin the moon landing was filmed at a sound stage in West Hollywood and it would still be adored by the judges and the other “celebrities.” Unfortunately, Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice wouldn’t be able to get away with any of this, despite Peeps being oddly adorable and resembling a yellow-colored piece of Tamagotchi poop.

Or maybe it could, because it turns out Peeps have a massive following. Heck, there’s even an entire store that only has Peeps paraphernalia. I know a lot of people are part of some fandom, but Peeps? Come on, even the Trekkies think these single, middle-aged women with seven cats fans are nerds. If you can’t get enough of Peeps after buying a year’s supply, a “Hanging With My Peeps” t-shirt and a Swarovski crystal pin from the Peeps store, you always can check out a website called Peeps Show and bask in good ol’ fashioned, sticky and sweet marshmallow-flavored food porn.

Like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, there’s more than one way to eat a Peep. Some people create Peepsicles (why does typing that give me the willies?) by freezing them, others eat them au natural, some people deep-fry them, and a few single, middle-aged women who have waaaaay too many pictures of their cats in their work cubicle hardcore fans prefer them stale and hard. For those of you who have never had the sugary pleasure of eating a Peep, it’s just marshmallow (sugar) coated with colored sugar (more sugar). So basically, it tastes like sugar, and so does the Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice, except in frozen form. This proves once again that Rita’s is wonderful at developing flavors that taste exactly like its non-frozen counterpart.

I haven’t had Peeps in years, but this frozen version brought back memories of why I never liked them. It’s sickening sweet, and this is coming from a person who sometimes adds Splenda to her Frosted Flakes. It’s so sugary that a regular-sized Peeps Ice will provide enough sugar to fuel an evening of fist pumping at a club, while wearing a dress that shows one’s lady bits, like a true guidette.

Rita’s has dozens of Italian ice flavors that are far superior, and which are also much more Italian and colorful than Snookie, so I won’t be purchasing another Peeps Italian Ice. If the taste of pure sugar doesn’t turn you off, maybe its radioactive yellow color will. Or maybe the line of single, middle-aged women who smell like cat litter hardcore fans who want to try this frozen variation of their favorite treat will.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 regular cup – 320 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% vitamin C.)

Item: Rita’s Peeps Italian Ice
Price: $2.39
Size: Regular
Purchased at: Rita’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like Peeps. Playing with Peeps. Deep-fried anything. Smaller quantity is enough. Peepsicles. Rita’s Swedish Fish Ice. Peeps bling bling.
Cons: Way too sweet. Fist-pumping. Creepy Peeps fangirls. Even creepier Peeps fanboys. 80-year-old Buzz Aldrin punching you in the face. Cleaning up Tamagatchi dookie. Rotten teeth.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad

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The Jack in the Box Grilled…Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

W-w-what…

Oh, I’m sorry I fell asleep and started sleep drooling mid-sentence. But I couldn’t help it because the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad is one boring salad.

It’s so snooze-inducing that if you have an infant who has trouble falling asleep, I recommend you click the photo above to go The Impulsive Buy’s Flickr page, download the high quality version of the photo, print it out several copies of it on your inkjet printer (or nearest photo center), then attach those photos to the mobile hanging above your child’s crib and then watch your child instantly enter a deep slumber, allowing you to find out what that Chatroulette is all about.

The salad contains a list of vegetables that bores me, but would give the Easter Bunny a hard-on. It has a blend of romaine, iceberg and spring mix lettuce, along with shredded cheddar cheese, grape tomatoes, cucumber slices, red onion and shredded carrots. Seasoned croutons and low-fat balsamic dressing are served on the side, and the salad is topped with strips of grilled chicken. As you can see in the boring salad photo above, it’s a rainbow coalition of ingredients, if the rainbow contains mostly orange and green.

As with most fast food salads, the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad contained mostly the nutritious-empty and flavorless iceberg lettuce. But thankfully, all of the vegetables looked fresh — no wilting or bruises. The only vegetable I disliked more than the iceberg lettuce was the red onion because of its strong flavor that dominated the rest of the salad like it was paid $500 an hour to make the salad its bitch via gagging and restraining it in chains.

The grilled chicken seemed like it was just there for protein and sodium because it didn’t provide much of anything else. As for the low-fat balsamic vinaigrette dressing, it gave the salad enough flavor so that it can legally be called a salad, and not just something to cushion my head if it were to fall into the salad because it’s so sleep-inducing.

Despite being a boring salad, I’d probably hit the Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad again. Its nutritional values don’t make me feel guilty, unlike most of Jack in the Box’s menu and paying some woman $500 an hour to gag me, chain me to a wall and call me a filthy pig who should be punished.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 salad with low-fat balsamic vinaigrette – 275 calories, 9.5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 1130 milligrams of sodium, 965 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 28 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Grilled Chicken Salad
Price: $5.99
Size: 1 salad
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Filling salad. One of the healthier items to eat from the JITB menu. Low calorie compared with other JITB salads. Great if you like the colors green and orange. Paying $500 an hour to be some woman’s submissive slave.
Cons: Boring salad. High in sodium. Too much iceberg lettuce. Dominating flavor of the red onions. Paying $500 an hour to be some woman’s submissive slave. Chatroulette. Pictures of it may help babies fall asleep faster.

REVIEW: KFC Original Boneless Filet

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The new KFC Original Boneless Filet makes me wonder if the company has choked their creative chicken too many times. After coming out with noteworthy products, like their Kentucky Grilled Chicken and Fiery Grilled Wings, they came out with a product that’s basically the stuff they stick in between buns to make some of their sandwiches.

It’s like KFC came up with the idea during their refractory period after choking their creative chicken, because as every man knows, it’s difficult to get anything to come up during a refractory period. That includes good ideas.

To give you an idea of how big a KFC Original Boneless Filet is, just imagine four McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets fused together into something that would make McNuggets even more unnatural. It’s lightly breaded and seasoned with the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices and then dumped into a sleeve usually reserved for KFC’s potato wedges.

If you’re familiar with KFC’s chicken, then you know what their Original Boneless Filet tastes like. It’s the same flavor you’ve learned to love, although beyond that there’s nothing exciting about its flavor and, even though it looks like a giant chicken nugget, it doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. The chicken was tender and somewhat juicy, but the exterior coating wasn’t crispy and seemed like it was just there to provide some friction to make sure the deep-fried chicken doesn’t slide out of its sleeve. Overall, the KFC Original Boneless Filet wasn’t original, nor does it get me excited.

Personally, I like bones in my chicken because they remind me I’m eating an animal and that I’m higher on the food chain than them. Yeah! Suck on that chickens! While I suck on my fingers, because you’re finger lickin’ good. I also like having bones around in case I have to defend myself against a rancor.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 filet – 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: KFC Original Boneless Filet
Price: $5.99 (meal)
Size: 96 grams each
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No bones. KFC herbs and spices. Chicken was tender. Being higher on the food chain than a chicken.
Cons: Same stuff found in their sandwiches. Coating wasn’t crispy. Doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. Refractory periods. Choking one’s creative chicken too many times. Having to defend yourself against rancors.

REVIEW: Burger King Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish

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The combination of cilantro and lime sounds like one that we would find either on the menu at a fine dining establishment or in the recipe book that comes with a Magic Bullet blender. But it’s not something I would expect to see on a fast food menu board that also contains Crown-Shaped Chicken Tenders and funnel cake sticks.

Actually, let me take back that last sentence because if there’s any fast food company who has the balls to introduce the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish, it would be Burger King, or BK if you’re lazy, or McDonalds’ Bitch if you’re nasty. Only a company that could invent chicken fries could create this fish sandwich.

For those of you who have never had a BK Big Fish, it takes everything a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish has, except the cheese and annoying singing fish commercials that make you want to punch your computer monitor, and makes it bigger. But if you’ve seen the minuscule Filet-O-Fish, you know making a larger variation of it is an extremely easy task. Between the buns of the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish, the usual tartar sauce is replaced with a cilantro lime sauce that looks equally as disturbing as the tartar sauce. While the sauce is made with two green colored ingredients, the sauce isn’t green at all, just like most of the lettuce in the sandwich.

The flavor of the sauce in the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish almost goes beyond my threshold of what I consider tasty. The cilantro is noticeable, but thankfully isn’t too heavy. However, if the cilantro was kicked up a slight notch, it would probably be more than what I can tolerate. As for the lime flavor, it’s as subdued as the cilantro and does for this sauce what it has done for Corona Beer, which is make something shitty taste a little bit better.

Yes, I did enjoy this sandwich. The fish filet had a crunchy exterior and a soft interior; its bun was of higher quality than the Filet-O-Fish’s; and the sauce had the right balance of cilantro and citrus. I’d probably eat it again if I’m in the mood for something that doesn’t come from a cow or chicken, and if I want to consume trans fats and enough sodium to make my blood pressure as high as the final score of any past NBA All-Star Game.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 630 calories, 31 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1570 milligrams of sodium, 65 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish
Price: $5.49 (small combo)
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Interesting, tasty sauce. High in protein. High quality bun, when compared to other fast food fish sandwiches. Fish filet had a crunchy exterior with a soft interior. Sauce doesn’t come in a disturbing green color. The Magic Bullet.
Cons: It’s a regional item so it’s not available everywhere. If you hate cilantro, you will curse this sandwich. Contains trans fat and over 1500 milligrams of sodium. Most of the lettuce in the sandwich isn’t green. McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish commercials.

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