REVIEW: Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars

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I’m so used to seeing Jamba Juice’s frozen smoothie delights in an insulated styrofoam cup…or strategically placed on certain parts of my body when the temperature reaches 90 degrees Fahrenheit or above. So I find it a little strange to be consuming a frozen Jamba product in the form of the Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars.

Since it comes in a yogurt bar form, there aren’t any cups or straws to deal with. There also aren’t any chunks of fruits at the bottom of the cup that I try to suck up with the straw, which end up kind of clogging the straw, so in order to get the piece of fruit dislodged I suck harder, but by doing so it shoots the fruit chunk out of the straw so quickly that it flies to the back of my throat and I choke on it. But for a brief second, I know what it’s like being a porn starlet.

The Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars combine a pomegranate sorbet with small bits of blueberries and vanilla yogurt. The pomegranate and blueberry bring the tart, while the yogurt brings the creamy and tangy. I thought the combination of pomegranate and blueberry would make the bars extremely tart, but it was surprisingly subdued. Actually, I could mostly taste the pomegranate. The only times I could taste the blueberry was when I bit into one of the small bits of blueberries, but there weren’t enough of them so that they were in every bite.

Despite the lack of blueberry flavor, I thought the bars had a pleasant combination of tart and tangy. The flavors weren’t overpowering, and combining that with the subdued tartness, I thought these bars were a great light and creamy snack.

While the bars don’t contain a Jamba Boost, like their energy or immunity boost, the yogurt does contain probiotic cultures and something called prebiotic fiber. Since both help with digestion, I’d recommend not eating all four bars in the box in one sitting, unless you’re one of those people who already change their underwear several times a day. The bars, according to the box they came in, are a “good source of vitamin C.” But if you consider 10 percent as a “good source,” then you are either the Food and Drug Administration or a music executive negotiating the musician’s cut from album sales.

The Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars make me glad I don’t have to deal with cups, straws and small chunks of fruit flying towards the back of my throat if I’m looking for a Jamba fix. It’s definitely better than whatever this was.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 90 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 10% calcium and 10% vitamin C.)

Item: Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars
Price: $4.99
Size: 4 bars
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice creamy treat. Nice combination of tart and tangy. Not extremely tart. 90 calories per bar. Yogurt contains probiotic cultures. Made with real fruit. It seems like no artificial sweeteners were used. No high fructose corn syrup. Contains probiotic cultures and prebiotic fiber.
Cons: Hard to detect blueberry. Long frickin’ name. Despite what the box says, NOT a good source of vitamin C. Not available at Jamba Juice locations. Music executives screwing musicians with pathetic cuts from album sales, unless those musicians suck.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Boneless Wings

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Wendy’s has recently added a new flavor to their line of boneless chicken wings – Spicy Chipotle. Their website describes them as “made from 100% all-white meat chicken breast, delicately breaded and hand-tossed in a sauce made with real chipotle peppers, dark chili powder, and a touch of amber honey.”

Before even trying these “wings,” I have a bone to pick (queue laugh track) with this product. First of all, fast food establishments are notorious for offering “spicy” menu items that are, well…not spicy. I guess they figure the American public can’t handle anything with more kick than a slice of pepper jack cheese. Second, I am soooo over chipotle. Like pomegranate, it’s one of those tired foodie trends that every chef on the Food Network loves to trot out and explain in detail, like you’ve never heard of a dried jalapeño pepper before and it’s going to BLOW YOUR MIND. Thirdly, there’s no such thing as boneless chicken wings. You know what a boneless chicken wing is? It’s a chicken nugget. You can’t fool me, Wendy’s. I was going to make a tasteless zombie Dave Thomas joke here, but he always seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I guess I’ll just leave it at that.

When I first tasted these chicken nugg- chicken boneless wings, my first thought was, hey, at least the chicken’s not bad. I’d rank it above some of the other fast food chicken nuggets I’ve had. My second thought was, I can barely taste the sauce. Half of my “wings” were glopped up with the sticky stuff, and the other half looked practically naked. And not the good kind of naked, like doing an innocent Google image search for Padma Lakshmi and getting more than you expected. Luckily, there was a bunch of it gathered in what I can only describe as a thick sea of slime at the bottom of the tray, so I could smear my naked nuggets around in that, like two ladies wrestling in a tub of half-melted Jell-O. Maybe Padma Lakshmi and Aida Mollenkamp? Only because I’d like to see Padma beat the pretty out of Aida.

My third thought, after I’d gotten a decent amount of sauce and also guaranteed at least one of my laptop keys would now stick forever (from the sauce, pervs), was that I wasn’t actually sure I’d gotten the right flavor of boneless wings. Wendy’s offers two other flavors – Honey BBQ and Sweet & Spicy Asian – and as I sat here, I honestly couldn’t tell what flavor I’d gotten. I’ve never had the two other products, but all three have a distinct “sweet and spicy/smokey/spicy and smokey” vibe, and that’s pretty much all I could tell about the flavor of this sauce. It was a little sweet. It was…maybe a little smokey? Did I detect what passes for spicy somewhere in there?

I figured I’d check the receipt to see if it at least said I’d gotten the right menu item, not that it means anything. I looked in the bag…no receipt. I was on my own. I dredged my finger along the bottom of the tray, pulling up a big glob of the sauce. It was dark orange, with some little speckles in it…could that be the chili powder? I sucked the sauce off my finger, trying to forget my earlier Jell-O wrestling comments. With no chicken in the way, I definitely detected more spice, a little smokiness, and a sweet honey taste. Okay, I’m pretty sure I got the right stuff. And I don’t mean The Right Stuff.

It’s hard to imagine a sauce with chipotle, chili powder and honey in it, that does indeed have elements of spice, smokiness, and sweetness, could be bland, but Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle sauce manages to accomplish this feat. The chicken itself is actually of quite good quality for a chicken nugget (or boneless wing), but I’d rather be dipping it in something like a spicy mustard than have it covered in gooey, uninteresting chipotle sauce. The flavors just aren’t bold enough to pop, and the texture is a little off-putting. Overall, it’s a disappointing addition to Wendy’s menu.

(Nutrition Facts – 10 boneless wings – 500 calories, 180 calories from fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of total fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,640 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugars, 33 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 25% vitamin C, 4% calcium and 8% iron.)

Here are other Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Boneless Wings reviews:
Mishens Fast Food Reviews
An Immovable Feast

Item: Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Boneless Wings
Price: $3.99, or so the Internet tells me. I have no receipt to prove that.
Size: 10 boneless wings
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Chicken was pretty good quality. GISing Padma Lashmi. Quite a few wings for the price. Jell-O wrestling.
Cons: Sauce was too bland. Aida Mollenkamp. Half my chicken was naked. Feeling uncomfortable about sucking goo off my finger. Claims of spiciness that don’t deliver.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box French Fries (2010)

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French fries are undoubtedly the most popular side order at any burger chain in America. I say that having done absolutely zero research, but I’m confident that it’s true. It also seems to be true that everyone has a different opinion about fries, and they love to express these opinions and, ultimately, start arguments about them. French fry arguments are like music preference arguments: nobody’s going to win, but somebody’s going to get a black eye. Okay, maybe not that drastic. But somebody’s getting banned from the ilovefrenchfries.com message board, is all I’m saying.

(PS – ilovefrenchfries.com is not a real website, so put your trolling equipment away.)

I must be bizarre, because I usually don’t order french fries. I don’t hate them, I just don’t really care for them either way. I’m comfortable having a monogamous relationship with my hamburger. Adding fries would just make the burger jealous and cause all sorts of problems. My burger and I are perfectly happy together. We don’t need any french fries coming in to “spice up the relationship.”

This could be either good or bad, in regards to this review, because today I’m taking a look at Jack in the Box’s new and supposedly improved french fries. Unfortunately, I can’t for the life of me remember what their old fries tasted like. Fortunately, that gives me a fresh palate I can then use to rain my judgment down upon these fries.

According to Tammy Bailey, division vice president of menu marketing and promotions for Jack in the Box Inc. and someone who probably has to use a very small font on her business card, “We’ve received a lot of feedback from consumers on what they like most about French fries, with flavor, texture and crispness at the top of the list. So we created our new French fries with a crispier outside texture that enhances the potato flavor and helps them retain their temperature.”

Well, Tammy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree with you on some of those points. My fries were lukewarm at best, so either this magical outside texture is not working or my order had been sitting out for a while. They did have more flavor than other fries I’ve had, which did conjure some vague memories of the old Jack in the Box fries I’ve had. It’s a flavor similar to Burger King’s fries, from when they changed their recipe however many years ago. Instead of just having the flavor of grease, there’s a taste kind of like batter that makes them less bland than most other fast food fries. While the flavor was pretty good, I thought they could have used a little more salt.

The crispness is an interesting topic. Jack in the Box claims that their feedback from customers states that crispness is an important factor. Well, I got a little feedback of my own, from about a half dozen of my friends. I asked them what their favorite fast food fry was, and why. I was surprised at the results – every single one of them said they liked McDonald’s fries, because they’re limp, greasy and overly salty.

Take that with a grain of salt, har har, since these are my friends, and anyone who associates with someone who deliberately attempts to find and consume the most disgusting junk food she can find is probably of questionable taste and character to begin with. That said, the Jack in the Box fried potato sticks do live up to their claim of crispness. While I did get a few of those small, crunchy, hard fries, there wasn’t a limp stick in the bunch. Insert “limp stick” joke here.

Jack in the Box mostly succeeds in what they set out to do. While my fries were lukewarm, raising questions about how well the outer texture actually insulates the pommes frites, and I found them to be lacking in salt, they are indeed perfectly crispy and more flavorful than the average fry. The question is, is this what the people want? Well, I guess that all comes back around to the ageless polarization of people’s opinions on french fries. Some like ’em crispy, some like ’em greasy, some like ’em salty, some like ’em limp. And as long as people have assholes – er, wait, I mean, opinions, there’s going to be someone out there who likes Jack in the Box’s new, crispier fries, and someone who wants to punch that person in the face.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 small order – 333 calories, 138 calories from fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 15 grams of total fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 milligram of cholesterol, 607 milligrams of sodium, 432 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box French Fries (2010)
Price: $1.79
Size: 1 small order
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delivers the promise of crispiness. Monogamous burger relationships. More flavorful than most fries. People getting overly agitated about flavor preferences. PR mostly living up to its own hype. Limp sticks?
Cons: Not enough salt. Getting a black eye over french fries. Magical texture jacket not keeping my fries warm. Limp sticks?

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist

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New Yorkers are passionate people when it comes to food and no matter where you’re from you can agree that New York has some of the best food around, especially pizza and bagels.

Although, if you’re from Chicago, you’ll probably disagree on the pizza thing.

New Yorkers claim it’s the water that makes a NY bagel better. I don’t know if this is true, but as a Phillies fan and New England native, I’m generally skeptical of anything a New Yorker says, even if a tasty bagel with schmear is involved. To compare a mass-produced bagel to a freshly baked one from a family-owned bagel shop is like comparing Ellio’s to anything else that isn’t Ellio’s. The thing is, I like cheap frozen pizza and I like bagels that aren’t made with New York City water, but a twisted bagel from Dunkin’ Donuts? Now that’s getting crazy.

It’s odd, but the shape of things really can change the taste of food. The kids on Jamie Oliver’s new show know that dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets are way better than nugget shaped nuggets. But what about a bagel that’s braided like the Swiss Miss chick’s hair? The bagel, or as I dubbed it, twistle, is a really good size for a substantial snack, but there’s one thing missing — cream cheese. I thought they were going to go the Bagel-fuls route and inseminate it with cream cheese, but no. I wasn’t even offered cream cheese upon purchasing a bagel twist. They’re marketing these things as an “on-the-go” alternative to traditional round bagels, but I don’t see how “on-the-go” it really is when you have to use two hands to eat it and pull it from your mouth like some pit bull with a rubber chew toy, or a shark with a human leg.

What the hell is an on-the-go snack anyway? I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I saw a guy tackling a Five Dollar Foot-Long on the train the other day and not one meatball landed on his Dockers. Good thing I wasn’t on a NYC train, because it would be a different kind of Five Dollar Foot-Long that Mr. Dockers would be tackling on his commute home.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist is pretty greasy; you can just smell the grease and cheddar cheese. Despite needing a few napkins to hold it while gnawing to suck up the grease, it’s actually a good thing that it’s sort of on the slick side, because if it didn’t have some moisture it would’ve been extremely dry, making it hard for me to talk. If I can’t talk, how am I going to strike up a conversation with Mr. Dockers and his Five Dollar Foot-Long?

Also, the calories in this thing are outrageous for a bagel sans cream cheese. 400 calories!?! If I knew it was 400 calories, I would’ve just said fuck it and clogged my arteries with a KFC Double Down.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Bagel Twists come in a variety of flavors (I’ve only seen Cinnamon Raisin and Cheddar Cheese so far), but I’m probably not going to try all of them, because I’m tired of their mediocre products. Dunkin’ Donuts really needs to step up their game. Hey! I have a suggestion. How about Dunkin’ Donuts make their DONUTS better before they start messing with pizza, flatbread sandwiches and reshaping bagels?

Oh, and while they’re at it, how about they bring back the Dunkin’ Donut (if you are unaware of the Dunkin’ Donut, it was a plain donut with a little “handle” to help dunk it in your coffee).

I mean, seriously, how can they get rid of a product that has the same name as the company?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Bagel Twist – 400 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 63 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist
Price: $1.49
Size: 1 Bagel Twist
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Nice cheddar cheese flavor. Larger than a circular bagel. Being amused by what people eat while taking public transportation. The original Dunkin’ Donut with cute little handle. Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.
Cons: High in calories for a quick snack. Pretty boring without cream cheese. Dunkin’ Donuts eliminating the Dunkin’ Donut. What chicken nuggets are really made of.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Salsa Roja Tortada

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Taco Bell likes to keep things fresh. I’m not talking about their food, of course. That would be ridiculous. I’m referring to their constant stream of new menu items that can range from mildly delicious to head-scratchingly bizarre. I’m looking at you, Black Jack Taco.

I appreciate their moxie, though. It takes some creativity to take five core ingredients and find different ways to repackage them as a new product. Their latest attempt has resulted in two new products: Taco Bell Tortadas. One is Salsa Roja flavored, and the other is Bacon Ranch.

I had the exact same thought that Marvo did when he wrote his Week in Reviews post — Taco Bell had made up the word “tortada.” It’s not like it would be the first time. Again, like Marvo, I immediately ran to Google and was surprised to discover that, no, tortada is a real thing. This mildly disappointed me, because I really wanted to say that Taco Bell making up the word tortada is tortarded. Reality is fucking with my puns. You could say I’ve been punished.

There. I feel better now.

“Pie” or “tart,” which are the English translations of the word “tortada,” are not the first words that come to mind, looking at Taco Bell’s Tortada. I’d say they look more like pita pockets. They should have called them Torpitas! No, no, that’s terrible. That’s tortarded.

I decided to try the Salsa Roja variety, since Bacon Ranch has already been covered by other blogs, like Brand Eating and We Rate Stuff. Branching out into the world of bacon and ranch is a fairly new thing for Taco Bell, so I’ll throw them a little props for expanding their ingredient list. I will say, though, that anything “Bacon Ranch” doesn’t exactly scream “Mexican food” to me. Of course, Taco Bell in general doesn’t scream “Mexican food” at all, so hey. Go for it, guys. Don’t let hundreds of years of an entire country’s well-established culinary cultural heritage hold you back.

Salsa Roja sounds decidedly more authentic. Taco Bell describes it as “A warm flour tortilla loaded with fire-grilled marinated all-white meat chicken, crisp shredded lettuce, fiesta salsa, flavorful salsa roja, and a blend of three cheeses – cheddar, pepper jack, and mozzarella, all grilled together hot and toasty.”

Sounds tasty. Fiesta Salsa AND salsa roja? Taco Bell knows the way to my heart is through multiple condiments. For any of you extreme gringos out there, “salsa roja” translates to “red sauce.” Try not to fall out of your chair in shock. With a translation that vague, the flavor could go dozens of different ways. Fiesta Salsa is often used in Taco Bell’s “Fresco” menu, which is a collection of items that supposedly won’t cause your arteries to immediately clog, unlike the rest of their menu. So when you think Fiesta Salsa, think less picante and more pico de gallo.

At $3.29, the Tortadas are one of the more expensive items on Taco Bell’s menu, but when you pick one up you’ll find it has some surprising heft. The smell is enticing; there’s nothing quite like the scent of warm tortillas, and the Tortada adds a hint of cheese and spice to really make it inviting.

There’s the innards, right there. As you can see, there’s no shortage of chicken. I really expected the lettuce to be limp, since it is apparently cooked with the rest of the ingredients, but I found it to be an interesting, crunchy contrast to the meatiness of the chicken, which was indeed plentiful, and surprisingly tender. The cheese was indeed melty, although I didn’t really detect any pepper jack. It just tasted like general cheesy gooeyness. The Fiesta Salsa also added a nice texture contrast and a fresh burst of tomato and onion.

What’s most surprising about this Tortada is that the ingredient that gives it its name, the salsa roja, is almost undetectable. You can detect a little bit of spicy kick that must come from the sauce, but you can’t really distinguish its flavor in the food. I found this most disappointing, because I was really looking forward to getting a good taste of the salsa roja. I thought it might have a nice enchilada sauce flavoring, but instead I got pretty much nothing.

The Taco Bell Salsa Roja Tortada is a decent-sized meal and has decent flavor, but it doesn’t live up to the chain’s ambitious description of their new menu item. The chicken is tasty, the Fiesta Salsa adds a nice, bright flavor, but all the cheeses taste the same and you can’t taste the salsa roja at all, which, if the name is any indication, is supposed to be the star of the show. It’s a tasty, fulfilling meal, and seems like it would be a good choice if you’re eating on the go, but it just doesn’t live up to Taco Bell’s claims. My salsa roja hopes were Tortadashed.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Tortada (268 grams) – 480 calories, 130 calories from fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 14 grams of total fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,860 milligrams of sodium, 60 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugars and 30 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Salsa Roja Tortada
Price: $3.29
Size: 1 Tortada
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tender, plentiful chicken. High portability. Tortada puns. Fiesta Salsa brings bright flavor. Moxious fast food maneuvers. Miraculously crisp lettuce.
Cons: Salsa roja not actually detectable in Salsa Roja Tortada. Finding out tortada is a real word. Cheeses are indistinguishable. People who think Taco Bell is actually Mexican food.

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