Fast Food – Page 239 – The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: McDonald’s Cheddar Bacon Onion Angus Third Pounder & Crispy Premium Chicken Sandwich

Marvo / October 23, 2012 / Reviews / 12 Comments

CBO…

COB…

BOC…

BCO…

OBC…

OCB…

Oh, hello there. I’m just trying to figure out why McDonald’s decided to promote their new Cheddar Bacon Onion sandwiches with the acronym CBO, and not some other letter combination.

Perhaps COB would’ve confused people into thinking there was only corn in the sandwiches; BOC might’ve made consumers think these sandwiches are all about chicken because if you say it out loud as a word and not an acronym, it makes you sound like a chicken; BCO looks like text speak for bacon; with so much drama in the O-B-C, it’s kinda hard bein’ Snoop D-O-double-G; and OCB sounds like something I need to a psychiatrist for.

Hmm…I guess CBO was the right choice. Oh wait, it ends with BO. That can’t be good.

The Cheddar Bacon Onion Sandwiches are available with either an Angus Third Pounder beef patty, a Crispy Premium Chicken filet, or a Grilled Premium Chicken filet. Along with your choice of beef or BOC, the sandwiches are topped with white cheddar cheese, grilled caramelized onions, hickory-smoked bacon, and a creamy mustard sauce.

Don’t all those ingredients make these sandwiches sound awesome? Sure, pigs that become McDonald’s bacon should be ashamed that they end up as mediocre bacon and white cheddar cheese tastes just like orange cheddar cheese, but I thought perhaps putting them together with onions and a mustard sauce would create a tasty sandwich.

However, both the McDonald’s Cheddar Bacon Onion Angus Third Pounder and Cheddar Bacon Onion Crispy Premium Chicken Sandwich don’t excite my palate.

If you’re staring at the new calorie-fied menu at McDonald’s and can’t decide whether to get the CBO Angus Third Pounder or the CBO Crispy Premium Chicken Sandwich, go with the beef. It’s the better tasting of the two, because the chicken has very little flavor. It has a slightly crispy outside and the filet has a pleasant thickness, but those are the only positive things I can say about it. The chicken version is also noticeably smaller than the Angus Third Pounder, but costs the same.

As for the CBO Angus Third Pounder, again, it’s better, but not much better. The patty was dry, but had a good meaty flavor. Both sandwiches had a lot of bacon and each bite I took had enough bacon to make me squeal like a pig that just realized it ate pork, but it provided a little smokiness and a lot of saltiness.

(Side note about McDonald’s bacon: If McDonald’s thinks so highly of their bacon, why isn’t it an option when ordering their Big Breakfast? It’s only available in sandwiches.)

The onions were plentiful and buttery, but they didn’t have an oniony punch. I could taste the white cheddar whenever I took a bite that didn’t have much sauce, but the melted cheese did a better job at making sure the bacon didn’t fall out than providing a cheesiness. Overall, the bacon, onions, and cheese trio added very little flavor and just the made the sandwiches taste super salty.

However, the most disappointing ingredient in the two sandwiches was the creamy mustard sauce. I thought McDonald’s could make a good mustard sauce, after all, they did come up with the greatest chicken nugget dipping sauce ever — Hot Mustard. But the sauce, which is made up of ingredients like Dijon mustard and horseradish, didn’t have a strong mustard seed spiciness or any kind of bite. It’s a weak sauce, which makes it, as the kids say, weak sauce.

I read somewhere on the internets that test versions of this Angus Third Pounder also included a steak sauce. That might’ve helped, but it wasn’t included.

Weak sauce, man. Weak sauce.

(Nutrition Facts – CBO Angus – 790 calories, 370 calories from fat, 41 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of cholesterol, 1830 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 45 grams of protein. CBO Crispy Chicken – 630 calories, 260 calories from fat, 29 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1630 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Cheddar Bacon Onion Angus Third Pounder & Crispy Premium Chicken Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.99 each
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Angus Third Pounder)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Crispy Premium Chicken)
Pros: Lots of bacon. Lots of onions. CBO Angus was better tasting. Buns did a good job of not falling apart. 90s hip-hop. Awesome source of protein.
Cons: CBO Crispy Chicken was boring. Creamy mustard sauce didn’t have a lot of flavor. McDonald’s bacon. Cheese didn’t do a good job of preventing onions from falling out. The bacon, onions, and cheese trio just the made the sandwiches taste super salty

REVIEW: Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito

Jeff / October 16, 2012 / Reviews / 4 Comments

I’m guessing there was a conversation between two junior execs at Burger King Headquarters that went down like this.

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Hey, would you rather do an Italian chick or a Latina?”

Junior Executive Douche #2: “What kind of Spanish chick? That’s important.”

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Good point yo, hmmm….Mexican. Mexicans are hot, Selma Hayek is hot. Those broads on Univision are friggin’ balls hot.”

Junior Executive Douche #2: “Bro, so true, so true. Italian chicks are cute too, like that bangin’ one with the nice rack (gestures with two hands by his chest as if he were holding oranges) on that witch show.”

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Witch show? Buffy?”

Junior Executive Douche #2: “No, that’s vampires or something. You know that girl who was a kid actress with Pesci or Danza, I think.”

And after twelve offensive minutes with numerous references to “Sabado Gigante” and Xuxa”, the sordid origins of Burger King’s Italian Breakfast Burrito went from spank bank ammunition to reality.

I imagine this because the burrito tastes exactly like what douchbags would make, rave about, and chow down on before drinking a Red Bull and vodkatini. The name is funny too…Italian…Breakfast…Burrito. Seriously. I can already see popped collars and smell the Axe body sprays.

I have to give Burger King credit for adding a little Italian flavor to make their stale menu a little more eccitare. They had to do something to help them get back the title of Number Two Burger Chain from Wendy’s.

What else can Burger King do?

Well, maybe bring back the subversive King to the forefront in their ad campaign. I love that guy. Also, take this burrito off the menu.

There are several reasons why, including one that is not the corporation’s fault but the individual franchisees. Now before I wake up with a horse’s head next to me wearing a frosted mane and a sombrero, let me plead my case.

Junior Executive Douche #2: “Ya gotta make it the size of my cock!”

Junior Executive Douche #1: “Yeah, Broski. Not mine because the amount of sausage would bankrupt BK if it were the size of mine! (high five slap)”

Yes, Junior Executive Douche #1, the burrito was the size of a porno boner. I was impressed it was similar in size to one of those Taco Bell seven layer behemoths. I incorrectly assumed it was going to be one of those rinky dink skinny breakfast burritos from McDonald’s. The burrito had an alarming heft and I was left stunned because I wasn’t expecting this. Of course, the old adage is quantity does not mean quality and this crappy burrito proves it with an exclamation point.

Forget about the projected bacon shortage, Burger King must be aware of a tomato shortage we know nothing about because I’ve had their chicken parmesan sandwich and there was very little marinara. That was also the case with this lousy burrito.

Both times I purchased it, there was only a smidge (smudge?) of marinara. I actually got angry about it and wanted to place it on the floor so I could stomp on it.

Potatoes are awesome in a burrito and the hash browns in this heavy package were a welcomed surprise. This was a smart move by Burger King. We love fried potatoes and we love them in burritos dammit! They were still crispy despite the moisture that collected inside, but it also may have been due to the minute, non-existent ghost of tomato sauce.

The sausage was too peppery and a bit salty. The flavors were intense on its own, but the hash browns really tempered the pork. The scrambled eggs were just sad puffy yellow blobs but they too assisted in keeping the overpowering sausage at bay. It was, at best, on par with airline scrambled eggs where they look like an obligation rather than something edible.

Along with the marinara sauce, I’m assuming the diced red and green peppers with onions make this Italian. The watery vegetable slurry did give the burrito a nice bitter edge, but something didn’t taste right. I felt there were too many flavors beating each other “Goodfellas”-style trying to grab your taste buds’ attention.

You know “A Tale of Two Cities”? Well, let me give you a tale of two cheeses.

In casseroles, the cheese is important because it binds things together. The melted mozzarella in this burrito was creamy and it blended very well with the multiple ingredients. The mozzarella did its job.

However, the mozzarella couldn’t do its job in the second Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito I purchased because instead of mozzarella, I was given a burrito with slices of American cheese (which I suppose made it an Italian Americano Breakfast Burrito).

What’s with that, Burger King? You’re as consistent as the writing of How I Met Your Mother this year. Oh, and Ted, you’re a fucking loser…

A Vespa scooter, which I proudly own but can no longer ride, is an iconic Italian image. This burrito is not a Vespa, it’s a clunky Buddy scooter from China with scuff marks and questionable stains on the seat. Avoid.

(Nutrition Facts – 490 calories, 28 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 1220 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Fried potato in a burrito. Big for a fast food breakfast burrito. Vespa! Potato was still crispy. Red and green peppers lend well to the flavor. Placing things on the floor and stomping on them. Sabado Gigante and Xuxa.
Cons: American or Mozzarella cheese couldn’t save it. Hardly any marinara sauce. Sad eggs. Axe products. That guy who screams, “Gooooooaaaaaaaal!!!” (drives me nuts). Over-seasoned sausage. This season of How I Met Your Mother. Porno boners.

Burger King Fast Food

REVIEW: Jamba Juice Eggnog Jubilee Smoothie

Marvo / October 9, 2012 / Reviews

Egg nog, or as I like to call it, The Nectar of Fall, is one of the top three things I look forward to during every holiday season.

What are the other two?

Opening presents on Christmas Day? Nope.

Spending time with family and friends? No.

Watching videos on YouTube of Black Friday bargain hunters throwing courtesy and decency out the window as they trample each other to buy cheap crap? Close, but no.

The two other things I look forward to are bragging to people about how I got my Christmas shopping done in November and sitting on the lap of a mall Santa and whispering into his ear, “I’m being naughty right now.”

Jamba Juice has taken The Nectar of Fall and turned it into a smoothie called Eggnog Jubilee. It’s made with a frozen egg nog base, frozen yogurt, and soy milk.

Eggnog Jubilee also comes in a light version with 1/3 less calories, carbs, and sugar. But as all real egg nog lovers know, light ain’t right…and rum makes it fun. Of course, like most commercially produced egg nog, there isn’t any alcohol in Jamba’s Eggnog Jubilee.

Boooo!

The egg nog-ed smoothie is one of two limited time only holiday smoothies Jamba Juice is offering. It joins Pumpkin Smash, which I tried last year and (SPOILER ALERT) I thought was very, very good.

So what about Pumpkin Smash’s creamy companion?

Eggnog Jubilee is very good, but I’m not sure I can consider its flavor to be egg nog. If I were to ask random people on a crowded sidewalk with a crazed look on my face to sample the Eggnog Jubilee and tell me what it tastes like, almost all of them would decline my offer. But I believe many of those who would be foolish enough to do so would say it tastes like a chai smoothie.

It has the right spices, but it doesn’t taste like Jamba Juice put in the right amounts. At best, I might consider it to be light egg nog-ish, but I really don’t immediately think egg nog while sucking it through a straw. Eggnog Jubilee’s flavor could also be mistaken for a generic holiday spice flavor. My guess is that the use of soy milk could be one of the reasons why its flavor ended up the way it did.

Despite its eggnoglessness, Jamba Juice’s Eggnog Jubilee is a creamy, delicious smoothie that I don’t mind sucking on, even though its flavor isn’t exactly like egg nog and the nearly 100 grams of sugar it contains won’t help me maintain my girlish figure so that I’m light enough to sit on Santa’s lap and whisper into his ear how naughty I’ve been.

(Nutrition Facts – Original – 550 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 109 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 96 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 35% calcium, 4% vitamin C, and 8% iron.)

Item: Jamba Juice Eggnog Jubilee Smoothie
Purchased Price: $5.39
Size: Original
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Creamy. Jamba Juice’s Pumpkin Smash. Finishing Christmas shopping early. Messing with mall Santas. Egg nog.
Cons: It’s light egg nog-ish. Tastes more like chai than egg nog. Available for a limited time. People not being civil on Black Friday.

Fast Food Jamba Juice

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt

Marvo / October 1, 2012 / Reviews / 4 Comments

Look at the photo above of Jack in the Box’s new Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt. It looks like I had someone sit on the sandwich before taking a picture of it, but I assure you I didn’t.

Nor did I throw it into a zoo’s elephant exhibit, nonchalantly toss it on the Talladega Superspeedway’s track during a NASCAR race, or place it in front of an Apple Store’s doors right before the launch of a new iPhone. But it sure looks like I did.

Jack’s sourdough sandwiches, like the Sourdough Jack, aren’t large, but at least they have some height to them, which the Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt obviously lacks. But with its height deficiency one doesn’t have to open their mouth very wide to stuff it in.

What the Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt doesn’t have are the typical lettuce and tomatoes, which could’ve propped up the top bun and make it appear taller, like stiletto heels on strippers. All that’s between the toasted sourdough are thinly sliced steak, grilled onions, fire-roasted red and green pepper, melted cheese, and a mayo onion sauce.

My stomach wants to let you know it wished Jack in the Box went the Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s route and placed the cheesesteak innards on top of a beef patty, or went a few steps more and added bacon, lettuce, and tomato to make it the BLT Sourdough Cheesesteak Jumbo Jack Melt.

The thin steak slices were chopped up into small bite-size pieces. Most of them glistened with grease, like the chests at an all-male revue, while some looked dry like beef jerky or the elderly chests of lifelong sunbathers, but all of it was, for the most part, tender. There was a good amount of onions and peppers, which were chopped into slices that made it difficult for them to fall out of the sandwich.

The Swiss-style cheese was melted to the point that it could be mistaken for the mayo onion sauce. It was also a wonderful adhesive that prevented ingredients from falling out of the sandwich. As for the Jack’s toasted sourdough bun, it was its usual greasy self.

The Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt is an homage to the Philly cheesesteak, but I’m not sure it does a great job representing the iconic sandwich. With some bites, the vegetables made the sandwich taste like a supreme pizza. The Swiss-style cheese didn’t taste like Swiss cheese, instead it had more of a nondescript cheese flavor. The sourdough bun was more greasy than sourdough-y, which has been the case with many of Jack’s sourdough sandwiches I’ve had recently. But when the sandwich didn’t taste like a supreme pizza, the meat, cheese, and vegetables created a pleasant fast food sandwich.

However, while Jack in the Box’s Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt was a decent sandwich, I’m pretty sure I won’t buy another because its flatness makes it hard to justify its price.

(Nutrition Facts – 456 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 53 milligrams of cholesterol, 1385 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt
Purchased Price: $4.89 (sandwich only)*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent fast food sandwich. Cheese keep the sandwich intact. Tender pieces of steak. Melted cheese. Good amount of vegetables. Flatness makes it easier to stuff into mouth.
Cons: Flat sandwich. Size of sandwich makes it hard to justify the price. Sourdough bun is more greasy and buttery than sourdough-y. At times, it tasted like a supreme pizza.

*price might be slightly higher than what you’ll pay because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Fast Food Jack in the Box

REVIEW: Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap (Bacon & Sausage)

Stephanie / September 26, 2012 / Reviews / 12 Comments

There are many terrible things I am more likely to do before I ever again eat the latest addition to Taco Bell’s signature FirstMeal menu:

Walk barefoot in an Irish bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

Get some fillings when I don’t really have cavities, “just for the heck of it.”

Watch Paranormal Activity by myself in an empty house and then leave the bedroom door open when I go to bed.

Steal my boss’s corporate card to buy myself an expensive lunch and defiantly say it’s because “they owe me.”

Accidentally swallow a goldfish.

That is how little I enjoyed these pudgy little artery-cloggers they call the Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwraps. Speaking of which, let’s break down the title of this new breakfast item: “Taco Bell” – OK, so we know where we can buy this. “A.M.” – Only available in the morning. Check. “Crunchwrap” – Woah, now… slow your roll. There wasn’t anything crunchy inside these wraps. Just chewy, oily, and rubbery things.

The A.M. Crunchwrap comes in two inexpensive, standard breakfast varieties, Bacon or Sausage. I tried both, and let me tell you that while the grilled flour tortilla is warm, toasty and crisp around the edges, the insides do not crunch. Both A.M. Crunchwraps come with the meat on top of a layer of scrambled eggs and cheese paired with a once-crispy hash brown. Unfortunately the hash brown patties inside of the two A.M. Crunchwraps I got were soggy with grease and excess moisture from being trapped in between a jacket of melted cheese and a flour tortilla, so what had probably been a nice, hot golden exterior was now golden mush. They get some points for even thinking of including hash browns though. It’s the idea of hash browns that counts.

That still isn’t the worst of it. Let’s talk specifically about the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap. Contrary to my preconceived notions, there were no crisp, savory strips of bacon in this breakfast contraption, just bacon bits — the kind you’d probably find in a pre-packaged Cobb salad sold for $10.95 at the airport sandwich express counter right next to the case of SoBe and Evian. If Taco Bell were being really honest, they would’ve named this thing the “Bacon Bits A.M. Crunchwrap.” And if Taco Bell were being really, really honest, they would call it the “Chunks of Rubber A.M. Gushwrap.”

The hash brown made everything excessively oily. The bacon bits were tough. I imagine ground-up eraser tips from #2 pencils would taste like those bacon bits. Furthermore, they were stuffed inside one corner of the wrap instead of sprinkled throughout, so when I sliced it in half, all the bacon bits spilled out onto the plate. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I had been eating this straight out of the wrapper. Best case scenario, I would’ve ended up with a final bite filled with nothing but bacon bits. Worst case, a shower of bacon bits on my lap. The decent flavor of the scrambled egg and cheese was the only factor that kept the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap from being 100 percent garbage.

The good news is that the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is better. Not excellent, but better. The Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is sufficiently savory. Ironically, it wasn’t dripping with grease like the Bacon one. I’d think that a thick sausage patty would be oozing with the slick stuff, but alas, no. The sausage patty inside the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap was of a decent diameter, too, and it was thick — a nice meaty counterpart to the egg, cheese and fried potato inside the tortilla. It also had some heft and felt like more of a substantial meal than the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap.

The Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap seems like the final draft while the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap was the shitty rough draft Taco Bell churned out in 30 minutes because they were working under deadline and hadn’t slept a wink after watching Paranormal Activity by themselves the night before.

If you’re in the mood for something relatively cheap and quick that’s not the worst fast food breakfast you’ll ever eat, then the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is for you. But if you’re interested in flavor, texture and experiencing complete satisfaction with your breakfast, then why are you eating at Taco Bell?

(Nutrition Facts – Bacon – 680 calories. Sausage – 720 calories.)

Item: Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap (Bacon & Sausage)
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 2 out of 10 (Bacon)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Sausage)
Pros: Tortilla is warm and crisp around the edges. Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap has nice heft to it. Sausage patty is savory and thick. The idea of hash browns.
Cons: Greasy. Bacon tastes like #2 pencil erasers. Something totally slamming that bedroom door shut in the middle of the night. Soggy hash browns.

Fast Food Taco Bell

REVIEW: McDonald’s Cheddar Bacon Onion Angus Third Pounder & Crispy Premium Chicken Sandwich

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REVIEW: Burger King Italian Breakfast Burrito

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REVIEW: Jamba Juice Eggnog Jubilee Smoothie

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REVIEW: Jack in the Box Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt

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REVIEW: Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap (Bacon & Sausage)

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