REVIEW: Burger King Cheesy Tots

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Burger King Cheesy Tots

There are numerous Facebook pages dedicated to bringing back Crystal Pepsi. These Facebook pages probably outnumber the amount of unopened Crystal Pepsi bottles and cans in existence today. But despite all the Facebook likes and ALL CAPS pleads these pages have accumulated, Crystal Pepsi is still just a memory from the 1990s.

Another product I was surprised to find out has numerous Facebook pages dedicated to its revival was Burger King’s Cheesy Tots. However, unlike Crystal Pepsi fans, Cheesy Tots fans can celebrate with ALL CAPS Facebook posts because the starchy and cheesy menu item is back for a limited time.

To be honest, I didn’t experience the pleasure of stuffing my mouth with Cheesy Tots the first time they were around, so I’m glad my mouth has a second chance.

Burger King’s Cheesy Tots come in three sizes: small, medium, and large. I picked up the medium, which came with ten of them. (A small has eight pieces, while a large has 12.) The side dish looks like school cafeteria chicken nuggets, but within the thick, crispy, and golden brown exterior is an interior that’s basically a tater tot bleeding light orange American cheese.

Burger King Cheesy Tots Innards

Speaking of the cheese, it’s slightly chalky. Although that texture could’ve been caused by potatoes that were broken down while being deep fried. The cheese also lacked flavor. In other words, the Cheesy Tots weren’t very cheesy. They did have a nice potato flavor, similar to tater tots, but with its very mild cheesiness, I can’t say I’m impressed with them.

Burger King’s Cheesy Tots don’t come with a dipping sauce, but I wish they did. I do think they would go well with Burger King’s Zesty sauce and I also believe they would be a neat topping to add to your Whopper. However, by themselves, I don’t think they’re good enough to make me want to create Facebook page dedicated to bringing them back when they go away again.

(Nutrition Facts – Medium size – 350 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 880 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Cheesy Tots
Purchased Price: $3.39*
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Nice potato flavor, perhaps better than their fries. Nice crispy exterior. Burger King’s Zesty sauce. Crystal Pepsi.
Cons: Not very cheesy. Cheese was slightly chalky. They look like school cafeteria chicken nuggets. They don’t make me want to make a “Bring Back Cheesy Tots” Facebook page.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the price I paid might be significantly higher than what you’ll pay.

REVIEW: Burger King Philly Chicken Sandwich

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Burger King Philly Original Chicken Sandwich

When I first heard about Burger King’s new Philly Chicken Sandwich, I thought they were going to top one of their Original Chicken Sandwiches with thin slices of steak, chopped onions and peppers, and cheese, similar to what Carl’s Jr. did when they topped one of their burgers with innards of a Philly Cheesesteak.

But Burger King didn’t and I’m a bit sad about it.

According to the Burger King website, here’s what they did:

A lightly-breaded chicken fillet topped with traditional Philly-Style toppings – a colorful mix of bell peppers and seasoned grilled onions, served with American cheese and smothered with a creamy cheese sauce. All served hot on a toasted sesame bun.

Oppa Philly-style toppings?

If putting bell peppers, onions, and cheese on top of another food allows one to label it “Philly,” then I’d like to see supreme pizzas be called Philly pizzas and fajitas called Phillitas.

When I pulled back the top bun of the Philly Chicken Sandwich, the bright red and green bell peppers made it feel like it’s still the Christmas season. There was a good amount of peppers and onions on the sandwich, but there was even more cheese. The bell peppers and onions had a crunchiness to them and gave the sandwich a nice flavor.

Burger King Philly Original Chicken Sandwich Innards

The orange goo that prevented the veggies from falling out tasted like typical American cheese and actually provided some decent flavor, which is surprising for fast food cheese. But I guess it’s easy to taste the cheese where there aren’t any sauces or mayo to overpower it.

As for the chicken patty, it was dry, but I’m not surprised by that because I believe every Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich I’ve ever had has come with a dry patty. Before taking my first bite, I already knew that the chicken patty in my Philly Chicken Sandwich was going to be devoid of any juiciness because the breaded exterior was darker than the skin of a tanorexic.

The Burger King Philly Chicken Sandwich is a decent fast food menu item, albeit a salty one. The flavor of the toppings almost completely made up for the dry chicken patty. Although, I think it would’ve been better (and more deserving of the Philly name) if Burger King also topped it with thin steak slices.

(Nutrition Facts – 550 calories, 25 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1870 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, and 30 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Philly Chicken Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent sandwich. Crunchy veggies. Cheese had flavor and kept veggies from falling out. Christmas-y innards. Awesome source of protein.
Cons: Bell peppers, onions, and cheese equals Philly? Awesome source of sodium. Not having thin steak slices. Tanorexia.

REVIEW: Burger King Avocado & Swiss Whopper

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Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper

Aioli.

It looks like it could be the Hawaiian word for “maybe,” but ‘a’ole.

However, if you watch Food Network cooking shows or call yourself a “foodie” and have more pictures of food you’ve made/eaten than pictures of your children, you know what aioli is. If not, let me explain what aioli is…after I Google it because I have no idea what it is.

According to the first search result, aioli is a creamy French sauce made using lemon juice, eggs, garlic, and olive oil. Oooh, fancy! Aioli is also an ingredient found in Burger King’s new Avocado & Swiss Whopper. Oooh, fancy! Along with an avocado aioli, the limited time only Whopper features a beef patty, bacon, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and an avocado spread on a sesame seed bun.

Hey! Wait a minute!

That’s sound awfully similar to Burger King’s California Whopper, which also has a beef patty, bacon, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and an avocado spread (guacamole) on a sesame seed bun. However, while many of the ingredients are the same, the Avocado & Swiss Whopper is a much better tasting burger.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Top

The thin beef patty, pale lettuce, tomatoes, and sesame seed bun that make up most of the sandwich didn’t provide any surprises since it’s the same stuff you’d find on a regular Whopper. Also, much like the guacamole in the California Whopper, the avocado spread in the Avocado & Swiss Whopper didn’t have much flavor and it seemed like it was there mostly as glue to keep the lettuce and bacon from falling out.

Speaking of the bacon, it was smoky, thick-ish, and somewhat crisp. It was pretty good fast food bacon, but the amount in the sandwich was less than a slice of bacon fried at home, which wasn’t enough to cover half the burger. As for the Swiss, it surprisingly added some cheesy flavor to the sandwich that doesn’t get lost under all the other ingredients.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Side

But, again, what makes this burger special is the avocado aioli, which sounds like an ingredient you’d find on a sandwich from an upscale burger joint or on a Whopper from a European Burger King. The sauce was pleasantly zesty and its flavor reminded me of hot dog relish. It gives the Avocado & Swiss Whopper a unique flavor that makes the sandwich one of my favorite Whopper varieties of all time.

* ‘a’ole is the Hawaiian word for “no”

(Nutrition Facts – 730 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 1510 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Avocado & Swiss Whopper
Purchased Price: $6.69 (sandwich only)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful limited time only Whopper. Tasty avocado aioli. Unique flavor. Good bacon. Avocado keeps lettuce and bacon from falling out. Getting to use a Hawaiian word in a review, which I hope I spelled correctly. Google.
Cons: Avocado spread didn’t have much flavor. Pricey. Not enough bacon. Putting everything you eat on Instagram. Thin beef patty. Some folks won’t like the avocado aioli.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger

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McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger

If we were to compare fast food burger chains to global powers – and seriously, why would we? – then I’m apt to consider McDonald’s as somewhat akin to the British Empire.

Once the bastion of all fast food burger development, Ray Kroc’s hegemony of franchises long laid claim to influences far and wide, bringing such powerful and lucrative brands like the Big Mac to every corner of the globe. Hamburgers, fries, fountain sodas…they were dreadnaughts in this global proliferation of fast food hardware, and it wasn’t long until others – notably Otto von Burger King – began to challenge the idea that the sun would never set on the Golden Arches.

If you stare at the lights on in a 24-hour Micky D’s long enough in the wee hours of the morning you might argue that sun hasn’t really set. And McDonald’s burgers, much like Imperial Britain, have seen better days. Blame a shared case of pissing off locals due to the use beef byproducts, or just chalk it up to losing its influence thanks to two major Burger Wars, but the general consensus these days is that when it comes to hamburgers, McDonald’s offerings have regressed into a shadow of what they once tasted like and stood for.

Still, like the Falklands conflict or a really cool imported British TV comedy, McDonald’s is able to surprise us when it comes to hamburgers in some of the most unlikely of places.

McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger top

I truly believe the new, dollar menu priced Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger is one of those surprises.

I have to say, it’s about time the dollar menu got a new friend. Ever since a relaunch a few years ago which took the four-piece McNuggets off the menu, I’ve been begrudgingly awaiting the day when the McDouble or McChicken would get bumped up to a 1.29 price tag. Fortunately that hasn’t happened, and if McDonald’s latest addition to the menu proves anything, it’s that they can still be innovative with their burger concepts at cheap skate price points.

McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger Onions

Nobody in their right mind would claim a single McDonald’s kids burger patty is substantial, but somehow, someway, the Grilled Onion Cheddar feels more substantial than a standard cheeseburger. For you military types, consider the cheese and grilled onion mixture your classic force multiplier, if you will. The sweet onions have a slightly crisp texture and deep flavor, as if slowly caramelized in clarified butter of a flattop grill. Taken together with the patty, slightly squishy-sweet bun, and slice of milky, but processed, only-minimally-melted, yet still delectable, pasteurized cheese product, the onions somehow manage to make the burger.

McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger Half

The flavor is not so much in each bite but in each chew, with the – why yes, dare I say ‘meaty’ taste – coalescing into a sweet and chewy mesh of burger matter during the opening salvos of mechanical digestion. I consider the entire experience to be a triumph of McDonald’s burger innovation that we never saw coming. It is, to build on our analogy, the equivalent of the British victory in the Falklands Conflict packaged in one dollar hamburger form.

Like the British military operations carried out in that remote corner of the world in 1982, there are minor flaws to the burger’s strategy. I consider these mostly operational, and something that comes with any fast food hamburger.

Aside from unmelted cheese, McDonald’s only misstep here was choosing not to import the McDouble’s proven and curiously addictive combination of pickles, mustard, and ketchup to the chain’s latest value creation. Forget that the pickles could add major umami impact, but a bit of pungency from the mustard and the additional acidic sweetness of the ketchup would create a truly complete flavor combination that might just go unrivaled at the one dollar price point. How do I know? I added both, of course – on the third one of these I had in as many days.

Look, I get it. I realize it’s still a value sized burger – barely big enough as a snack for some people – and I realize it’s going to have the inherent fast food hamburger flaws. The game has changed though, and for a value burger in today’s market, McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger packs a flavorful punch that Wendy’s and Burger King just can’t match at the one dollar price point.

It might not be Admiral Lord Nelson smashing the French and Spanish fleets at Trafalgar, but in an ever-changing geoburger landscape, the McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger proves that Ray Kroc’s sun is still far from set.

(Nutrition Facts – 310 calories, 220 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 660 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Force multiplying effect of sweet onion mixture add meaty flavors and big taste. Cheese tastes better than the usual insipid yellow stuff. Classic McDonald’s squishy bun. Using my history degree. Might be the best $1 hamburger on the mainstream fast food market.
Cons: Small sized patty. Not the beefiest flavor. Begging for pickles and mustard. Cheese needs to be more melted. The absurdity of comparing a value hamburger to geopolitical entities.

REVIEW: Hardee’s Jalapeño Turkey Burger

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Hardee’s Jalapeno Turkey Burger

I have to say, I’m quite disappointed after having eaten the new Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. Jalapeño Turkey Burger.

I’m not disappointed because it has more calories than a standard Hardee’s quarter-pound cheeseburger, which contradicts its own claims of healthiness.

Hardee’s Jalapeno Turkey Burger Patty Closeup

Nor am I bummed that the obviously pre-formed turkey patties are tenderized with more mazy grooves than a 2D Pac-Man screen. Hell, it doesn’t even boil my blood that the whole damn burger concept is basically a repackaged version of the on again/off again Santa Fe Turkey Burger from Carl’s Jr.

No, what really pisses me off is that Hardee’s finally made a decent tasting turkey burger, and they didn’t even bother to make a provocative commercial about it.

I know what you’re thinking. Turkey + Burger shape = Crap. In the interest of full disclosure, I will point out I don’t always agree with this equation — provided, of course, that I make and grill the burgers themselves.

The way I see it, if a lazy line cook at a fast food place can’t even nail a moderately juicy beef burger (and most can’t) then there’s no way they’re going to get turkey right. I didn’t need more than a 2011 visit to try the “Original” Carl’s Jr. Turkey Burger to confirm this suspicion, and thanks to the memory of that disgustingly dry and insipid excuse for a burger, I held out little hope for the latest variation from sister chain Hardee’s.

At best, I expected the new take to feature glooby mayonnaise, a stale bun, and decrepit produce working in perfect consort with a flavorless hockey-puck of poultry meat.  At worst, I expected to choke and die, but that’s another story completely.

Hardee’s Jalapeno Turkey Burger Bun

I was wrong. Well, for the most part I was wrong, that is. The bun, in perfect little-used wheat bun fast food fashion, was stale and falling apart. It lost any malted flavor it once had thanks to an over-toast, while the burnt tasting wheat base could hardly contain the innards of the burger from slipping out. A real shame because I was still burping up the aftertaste of that piquant and flavorful collaboration of southwesterly flavors hours later.

(Aside — Don’t act like you don’t do it, and don’t pretend like burping up the taste of a morning donut or afternoon burger isn’t on par with some of life’s simplest pleasures.)

Hardee’s Jalapeno Turkey Burger Side

Ironically enough, the burger actually wins on the taste of the turkey, which, despite a crusty and seared-looking exterior, was juicy and slightly sweet, coalescing in the kind of pleasing poultry flavor one might associate with Thanksgiving and all those Thanksgivng-ey herbs and spices.

Hardee’s Jalapeno Turkey Burger Jalapeno

The patty itself is adorned with a slice of Pepper Jack cheese, which, while not of the optimum goo capacity one often looks for with American cheese on a burger, was nevertheless tasty enough to impart more than just salt and fat. It added a mellow milky flavor that actually helped to cut the blow of the otherwise inferno provided by the Sante Fe Sauce and jalapeño coins.

Hardee’s Jalapeno Turkey Burger Top

Speaking of infernos, there’s definitely some heat with the triple threat of jalapeños, sauce, and cheese. I’ll admit my tolerance for spiciness or heat isn’t as high as others, but the good news for fire-eaters and non fire-eaters is that there’s enough flavor in the smoky-spicy sauce to bring either eater back for an additional bite. My only qualm was with the consistency of the soybean-oil based sauce, which was too loose and perhaps too liberally dispersed on only the top side of the burger.

Iceberg, tasteless tomatoes, and a meager portion of red onion didn’t add the kind of freshness that could really help dissipate the heat of a burger like this, but when it comes to a fast food burger, I unfortunately accept as much. At least the burger feels substantial, and outweighs (size-wise) most burgers in its calorie range.

I’ll stop short of calling this a very good burger and just call it a pleasantly surprising, if not reasonably priced, and substantial burger that heat-seekers should enjoy. Its limits and failings – a stale bun, meager produce, unmelted cheese – are nothing new to fast food, and they’re the kinds of shortcomings one takes into account when ordering a $3.49 sandwich as opposed to a $7.49 sandwich. The surprise, however, is the turkey. Whether it’s healthier or not is debatable, but in this case, Hardee’s/Carl Jr. seem to have created a tasty and juicy alternative to beef that someone doesn’t even need a New Year’s Resolution to seek out.

Now, if they could only get on that damn commercial, they might actually sell a few of these things.

(Nutrition Facts – 450 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Item: Hardee’s Jalapeño Turkey Burger
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Hardee’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Hefty – one might say, “hearty” burger. Turkey is surprisingly juicy and flavorful. Triple threat of heat imparts good flavor. Under 500 calories. Affordable.
Cons: Classic case of fast food Wheat Bun fail. Sante Fe Sauce is loose and messy. Cheese would be better if it were fully melted. Produce sucks. Still more calories than a quarter-pound cheeseburger. Lack of provocative advertising campaign.

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