REVIEW: McDonald’s Spicy Buffalo Chicken Poutine (Canada)

/ / Reviews / 5 Comments

McDonald’s Spicy Buffalo Chicken Poutine 1

McDonald’s seems to be going all-in with their poutines — though they only rolled out the regular one outside of Quebec fairly recently, they’re already starting to add variations to the menu.

A poutine can easily be a base for other stuff, and it’s easy enough for them to throw on ingredients that they’ve already got lying around. If this does well, it’s safe to assume that we can look forward to all kinds of poutine varieties (I’m holding out for the Big Mac poutine — I’m dead serious, I want that in my belly immediately). But first: the Spicy Buffalo Chicken Poutine.

The base is the standard McDonald’s poutine: same gravy, same curds, same fries. I basically liked that, so it’s not a horrible base to start with. Added on top are chicken pieces, Buffalo sauce, and green onions.

The woman behind the counter asked whether I wanted the chicken crispy or grilled; of course, I went with crispy. Because, let’s face it, it’s a poutine. I want it all fried. All of it. Can we just mash the whole thing into a ball and fry that too? How about my beverage, can I fry that? Heck, you may as well fry a Happy Meal toy and throw that in too. Because why the hell not, that’s why.

The chicken is the same type of chicken strip they use for their Snack Wrap, which is chopped into pieces. Though it does add some meaty substance to an already fairly substantial dish, the real differentiator is the spicy Buffalo sauce. It’s actually a pretty great addition. It adds a nice vinegary kick that helps to cut some of the richness from the gravy and the cheese; it also adds some of the flavour that the ho-hum gravy is lacking. It’s a surprisingly effective compliment to the overall poutine. But I wish it were a bit hotter; it has enough heat for you to recognize that you’re eating something spicy, but not enough to cause any real discomfort.

The green onions, however, add very little, aside from an aftertaste; between the salty gravy and cheese, and the vinegary Buffalo sauce, they get almost completely lost. All they did was force me to spend the rest of the afternoon with that taste in my mouth.

McDonald’s Spicy Buffalo Chicken Poutine 2

Of course, I can’t get through this review without acknowledging that it’s not the most attractive dish ever. A poutine isn’t particularly presentable to begin with, but somehow this is even uglier than usual. Maybe it’s the way the Buffalo sauce has been globbed onto the chicken as though it were some kind of hot red toothpaste, but the whole thing looks quite unappealing. You’ll just have to take my word for it when I say that it’s better than it looks.

It reminded me a bit of KFC’s Famous Bowls (or as Patton Oswalt calls them, failure piles in a sadness bowl). Maybe it’s the chicken on top, or maybe it’s the fact that the fries get so thoroughly soggy that they barely have more structural integrity than a bowl of mashed potatoes. Still, they do retain a modicum of their French fry-ness, and the overall dish is more appealing than a Famous Bowl.

I liked it; the base poutine is decent enough, and the additions (mostly) improve things. It’s also a pretty decent value at five bucks. The box isn’t particularly huge, but it has heft. Picking it up, I was surprised at how heavy it was. It won’t make you the fullest you’ve ever been, but you will be satisfied.

(Nutrition Facts – 640 calories, 37 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1640 milligrams of sodium, 52 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 25 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Spicy Buffalo Chicken Poutine (Canada)
Purchased Price: $4.99 CAN
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Decent poutine base. Spicy Buffalo sauce compliments the poutine quite well. Fried.
Cons: Fries immediately sog up. Useless green onions. Not particularly spicy. Looks gross. Inability to have them mash it into a ball and fry the whole thing.

REVIEW: Starbucks Spiced Root Beer Fizzio Hand-Crafted Soda

/ / Reviews / 17 Comments

Starbucks Spiced Root Beer Fizzio Hand-Crafted Soda

I am fascinated by transformations. From The Wolf Man to Teen Wolf, I love to watch things slowly take on new forms. Especially if it involves becoming a wolf. I’m highly interested in one steady conversion in particular.

Over the past five years, Starbucks has undergone a metamorphosis from a somewhat upscale coffee bar into your run-of-the-mill fast food chain. Granted, it’s a “high-end” version of a fast food chain, but they cover all the basics. Instead of cheeseburgers, they prepare paninis. Instead of milkshakes, they offer a plethora of creamy iced beverages and Frappuccinos. Instead of Egg McMuffins, they hawk wraps and sandwiches with slow-roasted ham and Fontiago cheese. Instead of donuts, they sell scones and Mallorca sweet bread. I’m waiting for some hoity-toity French fries – maybe fingerling potatoes with rosemary and garlic?

The latest Starbucks item to fulfill their fast food roots initiative is the Fizzio™ Hand-Crafted Soda. Starbucks has introduced three new carbonated drinks — Spiced Root Beer, Golden Ginger Ale, and Lemon Ale.

I suppose the Golden Ginger Ale is for later when you’re puking your guts out after having whatever the hell Lemon Ale is supposed to be. (NOTE: The Starbucks press release says that Lemon Ale is “a refreshing, citrus-forward blend of real lemon juice with hints of apricot and ginger.” That ridiculous phrase “citrus-forward” sounds like a marketing term dreamed up by someone who doesn’t understand words anymore.) Anyway, I decided to go with the Spiced Root Beer. Frankly, to me, that flavor seemed to be the one closest to its origins as a diner staple.

After ordering the new drink, I watched a barista pull a carton labeled “Root Beer” from the mini-fridge and pour a small amount into my 12-ounce cup. Then she added ice. So… about that “hand-crafted” business… I don’t know what constitutes hand-crafting except for the fact that the barista had to pour the root beer base into a pitcher in order to make my drink. I wasn’t expecting much, but the phrase “hand-crafted” creates the image of careful measurements, stirring, and taste-testing. Or at least shaking something. Nah. In this case, hand-crafting just means pouring into a blender.

I have no idea what the barista did next, outside of pulling out a magic wand and hollering “Expecto Bubbletronum,” but my drink arrived appropriately sparkling. Apparently, the bubbles were created using a new Starbucks-trademarked contraption called The Fizzio™ machine. Basically, the machine carbonates any drink, so you can walk in and ask for a cold, fizzy whatever for an extra 50 cents.

Unfortunately, bubbles couldn’t save the Fizzio™ Spiced Root Beer from being a mostly bland and underwhelming beverage experience. According to the Starbucks website, the Spiced Root Beer flavor presents “the nostalgic taste of classic root beer with a deliciously unexpected twist – cinnamon, nutmeg, clove and star anise add a flavorful kick to this soda.”

Besides the fact that Star Anise sounds like the latest discovery in the Andromeda Galaxy, the use of these interesting spices is your proof that it’s the hoity-toity version of a regular old root beer. In reality, instead of a flavorful kick, it tastes more like a feeble nudge with an outstretched toe. The Fizzio™ Spiced Root Beer tastes like a watered-down version of regular old root beer, but that could be because it’s not full of high fructose corn syrup.

It was certainly spicy, but the flavor was more reminiscent of cinnamon gum — Kind of a delicate spiciness with just a hint of sweetness to balance it. It was an okay drink, but nothing I’d run back to Starbucks to get. I suppose that this is part of the transformation process. When you begin to change into something else, part of you dies forever. I would hope that if I began a metamorphosis, I would change into something that might go well with rum.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 fl oz. – 80 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 22 grams of sugar, 2% Calcium.).)

Item: Starbucks Spiced Root Beer Fizzio™ Hand-Crafted Soda
Purchased Price: $2.55
Size: 12 fl oz.
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Spiced with interesting spices. Bubbly. One of three new flavors. Lycanthropy.
Cons: A bland experience™. Hand-crafted = pouring into a blender. Getting nudged with a toe. “Citrus-forward.”

REVIEW: Subway Atlantic Canada Lobster Sandwich (Canada)

/ / Reviews / 16 Comments

Subway Atlantic Canada Lobster Sandwich

I know what you’re thinking: lobster from Subway? That sounds amazing.

Oh, I’m sorry, is today not Opposite Day? Well then, you’re probably thinking that a lobster sandwich from Subway sounds like an iffy proposition, to put it kindly.

Remember this, however: McDonald’s rolled out the McLobster to Ontario last summer, and it wasn’t half bad. It wasn’t great, certainly, but it was okay. So when it comes to potentially sketchy lobster sandwiches from fast food joints, you might be surprised! To quote Quato: open your mind.

The six-inch sandwich costs eight bucks, which puts it about in the price vicinity of a real, authentic lobster roll. But if you’re buying this sandwich, I think it’s safe to assume you’re nowhere near where an actual lobster roll can be procured.

Of course, being Subway, you can get your sandwich topped with any number of veggies and sauces. However, for a “truly Maritime” experience, Subway recommends keeping it simple, with just lettuce on Italian bread, which is obviously what I did. If you’re not going to be true to the Maritimes, what’s the point, right?

Subway Atlantic Canada Lobster Sandwich Innards

The first few bites weren’t great. Consisting entirely of shredded, piddly little bits of lobster, there wasn’t a whole lot of flavour or texture; it was basically just a vaguely seafood-flavoured mush. It was unimpressive, to say the least. But pretty much every mouthful after that had at least one reasonably generous chunk of lobster in it. It’s probably about a 60/40 ratio of shreds to chunks. That’s not great, but let’s be honest — it’s a lobster sandwich from Subway. It could have been a lot worse.

The lobster was a bit overcooked, but the chunks actually had a pretty decent texture — they weren’t too stringy or dry. They also had a pleasant flavour, without any of the fishy undertones you might expect from a budget lobster sandwich like this (then again, eight bucks for a six-inch sandwich probably doesn’t fall into the budget category).

Subway Atlantic Canada Lobster Sandwich Closeup

However, aside from the mild lobster taste, there really isn’t all that much flavour here; the mayonnaise adds very little, other than to bind the lobster together, and aside from that there was no real seasoning that I could taste. It was a bit bland. If I were to get this again, I’d probably get it with a sauce of some sort, or at the very least, salt and pepper. I know, I know — this would go against Subway’s wishes, and would jeopardize the sub’s status as a true Maritime experience. I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said “Those who would give up Maritime authenticity for a little bit of flavour deserve neither.”

That’s the quote, right? What, you weren’t aware that Franklin was a huge lobster roll man? Well, now you know. You’ve learned something today. You’re welcome.

For whatever reason I was under the impression that one of Subway’s suggestions was to toast the bread, though according to their website that isn’t the case. Toasting isn’t a bad idea in theory (and in fact the bread in real lobster rolls is typically buttered and toasted), but Subway uses some kind of microwave/conventional oven hybrid to speed things up. This normally works okay, but when there’s no meat or cheese to even out the heat, you wind up with dried out, microwavey bread.

I actually liked this slightly better than the McLobster (which, I will admit, isn’t saying a whole lot). The chunks of lobster were surprisingly generous and reasonably tasty. It’s on the pricey side — and calling it an authentic Maritime experience is kind of laughable — but for what it is, it’s not bad at all.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on Subway Canada website.)

Item: Subway Atlantic Canada Lobster Sandwich (Canada)
Purchased Price: $8.00 CAN
Size: 6-inch sub
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A decent amount of fairly sizable lobster chunks. Lobster isn’t too overcooked and tastes okay. Following Benjamin Franklin’s advice and seeking Maritime authenticity.
Cons: Textureless lobster shreds. Dried out toasted bread. Expensive. Needs some kind of sauce or seasoning. Maritime authenticity at Subway is a pipe dream.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Hot Sriracha Chicken Pizza (Canada)

/ / Reviews

Pizza Hut Hot Sriracha Chicken Pizza

I like Pizza Hut. It might be my favourite of the big pizza chains. Not that I even think the pizzas are that great, but I appreciate that they know exactly what they are: a purveyor of junky fast food.

They don’t have the delusions of grandeur like some other chains; there’s no “rustic” this or “artisan” that. What they will do, however, is cram cheese, hot dogs, and whatever else they can think of into a crust so oil-laden that it will leave your hands slick with grease if you handle it for even just a second or two. They’ll top the pizza with stuff like poutine or butter chicken.

They know exactly what they are, and they’re not ashamed of it. I like that.

Which is to say that replacing the tomato sauce in a pizza with sriracha is a distinctively Pizza Huttian creation. But is it actually good? The short answer: better than you’d think! The long answer: read on, my friend.

The base of the pizza is the standard Pizza Hut Pan Pizza. It is what it is; you either like it or you don’t, and personally, I like it (and I’m a little bit in awe of how they’re able to cram so much grease into the thing). It’s not something you’d want to eat every day, but when you’re in the mood for that crispy, greasy goodness, it satisfies.

Pizza Hut Hot Sriracha Chicken Pizza Closeup

It’s topped with sriracha, green peppers, banana peppers, grilled chicken strips, and, of course, mozzarella. And they’re definitely not kidding around with the sriracha: when I was driving the pizza home, it so thoroughly filled the car with that very distinctive sriracha aroma that the spice vapours actually tickled my nose a bit.

Sadly, it’s not quite as spicy as I might have hoped. It’s hot, don’t get me wrong, but on the mild-medium-hot scale, it falls squarely in the middle. It’s certainly not as spicy as any variety of sriracha that I’ve tried — and sriracha isn’t even close to the hottest hot sauce out there. Clearly, they’re using a very mild sriracha, or they’re diluting it with something.

Pizza Hut Hot Sriracha Chicken Pizza Slice

The flavour is certainly there, however — it’s got that satisfyingly sweet, slightly garlicky flavour that’s made sriracha so hot over the last couple of years (Get it? Hot?? World Pun Championships, here I come!).

The banana peppers are banana peppers. Personally I’m not a fan, and this pizza did nothing to change my mind. I don’t mind them in theory, but every time I get them on a pizza — without fail — I wind up chomping down on a rock-hard stem. I’m convinced that banana peppers are at least 50 percent borderline-inedible stems. And they’re not even that hot, so what’s the point? Banana peppers are the spicy pizza topping for people who don’t actually like spice.

The other toppings were fine. The green peppers added some crunch and a bit of flavour, which worked well with the other elements of the pizza. The chicken is, I’m pretty sure, of the processed variety rather than actual pieces of chicken. It’s a bit rubbery, but it’s okay. It’s not egregious, and there’s enough else going on here that you can’t really tell either way.

The cheese, like the crust, is standard Pizza Hut. Gooey, slightly salty, and abundant.

All in all, it’s not a bad pizza. Subbing out tomato sauce for sriracha could have been a disaster, but somehow, it works. It certainly earns its name, as that distinctive condiment is very much the dominant flavour here. I wish it were spicier, but if you like Sriracha and don’t mind pizzas of the bastardized variety, I’d give this one a shot.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on Pizza Hut Canada website.)

Item: Pizza Hut Hot Sriracha Chicken Pizza
Purchased Price: $18.00 CAN
Size: Large
Purchased at: Pizza Hut
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Serious sriracha flavour. The toppings (mostly) work pretty well together. Pizza Hut Pan Pizza crust continues to be a junky classic.
Cons: Not as spicy as you’d think. Banana peppers are the worst. Slightly chewy chicken. Realizing that the “hot” pun is not nearly good enough to get me to the World Pun Championships.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco

/ / Reviews / 8 Comments

Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco

I believe I’ve put more thought into deciding which witty t-shirt I’m going to wear, than the amount of effort that went into creating Jack in the Box’s Breakfast Monster Taco (BMT). In fact, describing the breakfast taco can be done with a simple equation:

(Jack in the Box Monster Taco – Lettuce) + Scrambled Eggs = Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco.

Hey! That equation would make a great t-shirt in emoji form!

According to this Businessweek article, Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco went through 80 iterations, which is probably 80 times more than what the Breakfast Monster Taco went through. However, even though it seems not much effort went into developing the Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco, I enjoyed it slightly more than Taco Bell’s offering.

Of course, if you’ve read my Taco Bell Waffle Taco review, you’d know that I didn’t care for it, so being slightly better doesn’t make the Breakfast Monster Taco special. It’s like saying a Purple Nurple is slightly better than a Wet Willy.

At a quick glance, the BMT looks like a regular Monster Taco. It has the same taco sauce, the same American cheese oozing out from under the shell, the same seasoned ground beef, the same crunchy taco shell, and the same grease spot that looks like an armpit sweat stain.

Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco Eggs

However, instead of shredded pale green lettuce that easily falls out of the taco, the BMT has pale yellow scrambled eggs that easily falls out of the taco. According to the signage at the bottom of my Jack in the Box’s drive-thru menu, there is an option to make the taco more breakfasty by adding bacon, but like all the girls I asked to cut a rug with at my 8th grade dance, I declined.

Now that I think about it, perhaps it wasn’t so cool saying, “cut a rug” and then moving my hips side-to-side like a downhill skier when I asked them to dance.

Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco Innards

My BMT came with a decent serving of scrambled eggs, which looked more substantial than the taco meat. However, the fluffy eggs didn’t have a flavor that’s strong enough to cut through the slightly spicy taco sauce and finely ground seasoned beef, making the Breakfast Monster Taco taste pretty much like a regular Monster Taco. Even the American cheese, which had melted into a thick goo, had more flavor than the eggs.

While I do enjoy Jack in the Box’s tacos, I can’t say I was impressed with their Breakfast Monster Taco. I mean, it’s as tasty as Jack in the Box’s regular tacos, but because it tastes like their regular tacos, I’m not sure why I would purchase it over their regular taco, which I can also purchase any time of day. I should’ve gotten it with bacon. Never say no to bacon.

Oooh! “Never Say No To Bacon” would make a great t-shirt.

(Nutrition Facts – 324 calories, 191 calories from fat, 21 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 186 milligrams of cholesterol, 668 milligrams of sodium, 262 milligrams of potassium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Breakfast Monster Taco
Purchased Price: $1.99*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: As tasty as a Jack in the Box Monster Taco. Decent serving of fluffy scrambled eggs. BMT doesn’t mean Bowel Movement Taco. The option to have it with bacon. Coming up with t-shirt that would sell poorly.
Cons: Tastes too similar to a Jack in the Box Monster Taco. It seems not much effort went into developing the BMT. The Jack in the Box taco and its armpit sweat stain. If you think Jack in the Box tacos are disgusting, this will not change your mind.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

Scroll to Top