REVIEW: Kirkland Signature Combo Calzone

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Costco’s food court is arguably the country’s best cost-effective eatery. Where else can you get a two-dollar dog right after spending $450 on items such as an Army’s supply of animal crackers and a year’s worth of pipe-clogging wet wipes?

Just me?

I never skip the Costco Cafeteria. I’ll take one of their obese slices over any national chain’s wimpy pizza. I don’t know where Chicken Bakes came from, but they’re a marvel of modern science. That dirt cheap footlong? GOATed! And how can I forget the… *sigh* we still doing this?

Double. Chocolate. Chunk. Cookie?! Five Booms and whatnot.

Everything is good.

Well, everything WAS good. It is with great sorrow that I must report the new Kirkland Calzone Combo is a DOOM!

I’m baffled. How can this be? On paper, you would think a Costco food court Calzone would just marry the best parts of the pizza and the chicken bake, right? Pure ignorance.

It certainly looks like a decent calzone. I really like the doughy, slightly crispy crust on the pizza slice, so having that as a giant pocket works. It was probably my favorite part of the experience, despite it getting worse as I got towards the center.

The filling is pure slop. A full-on work sloppage. Slopular Science. The King of Slop. A wop slop a loo bop a slop bom bom!

The “turnover” comes packed with pepperoni, sausage, cheese, onions, peppers, sauce, olives, and mushrooms, all of which clash with each other.

I’m not opposed to a supreme pizza, but all of these ingredients don’t work in this pouch; it just makes everything wet with a gross flavor I can only describe as “spiced slimy meat.” That’s all I tasted, but not even in a good pepperoni or sausage style, they blend with the veggies to make an off-putting “spice” that is neither hot nor appetizing. This is the opposite of the spice mélange. One DUNE(!) on the “Boom or Dune” scale.

I could probably get beyond the overall flavor if this thing had more cheese in it. It’s severely lacking. I’ll keep hyping the pizza, because I absolutely love that 700-calorie behemoth cheese slice. It’s excessive, it’s greasy, it’s uniquely chewy, and I love it. This mushy deflated football needed that texture badly.

What you’re looking at here is a giant Hot Pocket that you took out of the microwave fifteen seconds early. I’m shocked at how much I disliked it. What a mess. This thing left a bad taste in my mouth literally and figuratively. The corners of the crust are basically the highlight. This should’ve been a perfect amalgamation of the pizza and chicken bake, but instead it’s a bastardization.

1.66 out of 5 BOOMS, which is appropriately a “boo.”

Purchased Price: $6.99
Size: n/a
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 1,080 calories, 61 grams of fat, 25 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 2000 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of total carbohydrates, 7 grams of total sugars, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 46 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Papa Johns Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza

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Like geologists, Papa Johns has been into crusts recently. More specifically, turning the plain toasted bread-flavored end crust of a pizza into something worthy of consumption. Earlier this year, it dug up the Cheddar Crust Pizza, which I loved. And now that cheesy crust is passing its mantle to the new Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza, which features the chain’s core original crust seasoned with garlic parmesan sauce and a cheese blend of parmesan, romano, asiago, fontina, and provolone.

Much like my attempt to fit geology references into the paragraph above, I wondered if it was necessary to include five cheeses. Would eaters even be able to detect all five? Is this another situation like the number of blades in a disposable razor cartridge? Do we need five cheese crusts and seven blade razors? Well, unlike disposable razor blade cartridges with seven blades, the five cheeses here do make a tasty difference, even though I can’t detect all of them.

My order’s crust looked a tad overcooked. Although I assumed that was because of the catalog of toasted cheeses on it. When I took a bite of the crust, that browned layer gave my teeth delightful tremors with a crisp texture, and the soft dough below it had a pleasant chewiness. Then, the avalanche (oops, slipping back into geology references) of cheesiness came sliding over my taste buds. I can’t say one cheese stood out more than the other. Instead, it was a mingling of them. Also, some crust bites had a stronger flavor than others. But it’s almost as tasty as the Cheddar Crust Pizza.

However, the one flavor that seemed lacking, which I wish there were more of, was the garlic from the sauce. As someone who likes the pungent ingredient, I wanted garlic bread levels of the stuff, but it gets lost a bit among the cheeses. Which is not surprising since the chain’s Garlic Parmesan crust lacked a lot of garlic flavor. However, dipping the crust into Papa Johns’ obligatory Garlic Sauce can easily resolve this.

Much like the previously mentioned cheddar crust pizza, the crust on this menu item kind of reminds me of a cracker I’ve had. But it’s not instantly recognizable as the cheddar one, which I thought tasted like a Cheez-It.

As for the rest of the pizza, it’s what you’d expect from a Papa Johns’ pepperoni pizza. Mild mozzarella cheese, sweet pizza sauce, and salty and meaty pepperoni.

While Papa Johns’ limited time Garlic 5-Cheese Crust Pizza isn’t as earth-shattering as its cheddar predecessor, I think it’s worth a try while it’s still around.

Purchased Price: $15.99*
Size: Large
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 slice) 320 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Dulce de Leche Cinnabon Delights

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Finally, something new from Taco Bell that won’t make a big dent in my contactless payment wallet.

The chain’s new Dulce de Leche Cinnabon Delights are warm donut holes stuffed with Dulce de Leche filling and dusted in salted caramel sugar. At two bucks or so for a two-pack, they’re at a level where it’s easy to add them to an order without the guilt. They’re also available in a 12-pack for sharing, binging, or adding guilt. However, I found them to be mediocre and not worth the 12-pack.

To test these and save money, I picked up a two-pack, and upon inspecting their exterior, they looked good. The salted caramel sugar gives every bite a sugary crispiness that somewhat makes up for the lack of crispiness from the dough’s fried exterior.

While dragging my tongue across the sugar like I’m a horse at a salt lick, I noticed a very weak caramel taste that didn’t have any saltiness. However, I knew that it would be the Dulce de Leche filling that I should be dulce de licking to get most of the flavor. And that filling was…meh. I’m not sure it hits the milky notes of dulce de leche, and instead tasted like a weakened caramel sauce.

Maybe it tasted weak because there wasn’t a lot of sauce stuffed into it. Looking back at my original Taco Bell Cinnabon Delights review, I noticed they were stuffed wall-to-wall with filling. What I saw in these new desserts seemed to be mostly dough, making them significantly less impressive than the original Taco Bell Cinnaballs.

While Taco Bell’s Dulce de Leche Cinnabon Delights are passable, I believe the previous original Cinnabon Delights are superior, much like Taco Bell’s old slogan “Yo quiero, Taco Bell” and the chihuahua that said it is better than any advertisement the chain has produced since.

Purchased Price: $2.59*
Size: 2 pack
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 160 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You might pay the advertised $1.99 price.

REVIEW: McDonald’s McDonaldland Meal feat. Mt. McDonaldland Shake

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“With hints of berry flavor and colorful, cloud-like pink Dairy Whipped Topping made with real cream, the Mt. McDonaldland Shake erupted from one of Grimace Island’s thick shake volcanoes.”

That’s how McDonald’s describes its new and limited time dessert on its website. But it’s hard to imagine thick shake volcanoes, just as it’s difficult to comprehend, despite McDonald’s constantly telling us, that Grimace is a taste bud. If it was a shake volcano, where’s the trail of devastation from the shake lava? Did Mayor McCheese call for evacuations when the eruptions happened? Were there earthquakes? And did those earthquakes cause Coke product tsunami waves? Did the Hamburglar take advantage of the chaos and loot the town? Is this a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs situation here? There’s no description of any of those things, so it just sounds like Grimace Island has a working McDonald’s ice cream machine. Or there is a massive McDonaldland government cover-up.

The Mt. McDonaldland Shake is available as part of the new McDonaldland Meal, which also comes with a side of fries and your choice of 10-piece Chicken McNuggets or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Or you can also get it à la carte. The meal also comes with a collectible souvenir tin that comes with stickers and postcards. I’m not going to review the nuggets or QPC. Instead, I’ll just focus on the new product of the meal.

The light blue shake and pink whipped topping made me think of cotton candy, My Little Pony, what Luke Skywalker might’ve had as a dessert while on Tatooine, the worst baby gender reveal idea, and the colors you’d see if you snort Pixy Stix candy. With its pink color, I thought the dairy whipped topping might have some fruitiness, but it’s all tint and no fruity hint.

As for what’s under the whipped topping, I assumed it would be blue raspberry-flavored due to its color. There are notes of that berry, but it tastes more blackberry-forward to me, and that is not a complaint because the shake was gosh darn tasty. However, after sucking up half of it, my taste buds started to become a tad overwhelmed with sweetness. So I can imagine folks saying that this shake is too saccharine. Not even mixing in the significantly less sugary dairy whipped topping helped dilute the sweetness.

With hints of berry flavor and colorful, cloud-like pink Dairy Whipped Topping made with real cream, the Mt. McDonaldland Shake is a delicious treat, and one that I would slurp up again if it ever came back, even if that means more natural disasters on Grimace Island.

Purchased Price: $15.39 (meal)
Size: Medium Shake
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (medium shake only) 650 calories, 18 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 105 grams of carbohydrates, 84 grams of sugar (including 68 grams of added sugar), and 14 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Blueberry Breeze Refresher

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Over the course of this weekend, I noticed Blueberry Pie Oreos at Target, a Blueberry & Crème Pie at McDonald’s, and a whole menu of blueberry ice cream specials at Häagen-Dazs. After all, the vibrantly colored fruit makes the perfect summer snack—it’s in season, it’s light and lively, and it’s refreshing. That last keyword is why I only had eyes for one cerulean sweet, Dunkin’s new summer star, the Blueberry Breeze Refresher.

The press release for this drink emphasizes its customizability, and there is an array of options for bases that almost overwhelmed even my choice-loving brain. Perhaps you’re feeling simple (you can stick with water), fizzy (go for sparkling water), classic green tea (how about black tea?), or sweet ‘n sour (hello, lemonade). But I must have been swayed by the dessert-y blueberry foods I passed by, because I eschewed all those and even my usual go-to, the perky green tea, in favor of something more indulgent. Sure, it was hot out and I was excited for a drink to quench my thirst, but I also wanted something that would feel like a special treat, and so I opted for the oat milk base.

About three seconds after I’d placed my order, an extremely efficient employee handed it to me, and right away I could spot the differences from my typical Refresher base. The oat milk made my drink opaque and lent it a noticeably thick texture that looked closer to a smoothie than a tea. The first sip stood apart as well; it was creamy and full-bodied, with the oat milk bringing out the blueberry’s sweetness rather than its tartness. I can’t say that this drink didn’t taste like blueberry, but the blueberry was more of an aftertaste that made itself apparent once the initial onslaught of the oatmilk’s nutty sweetness had faded. Said another way: this Refresher didn’t evoke eating a handful of fresh fruit so much as it did eating a blueberry-filled baked good. In that way, it reminded me of 2022’s Blueberry Muffin Kit Kat; I recall some initial confusion about why that flavor had specifically been based on a muffin instead of just the berries themselves, but our reviewer for that product noted a cakey note that gave additional depth, and I noticed that same complexity here. That all being said, I didn’t feel like I was chugging straight sugar—despite its richness, the drink still felt light and zippy enough to allow me to fantasize that I was basking in an ocean breeze alongside my Blueberry Breeze. That worked for me!

I suspect the flavor would have been tangier and juicier with a different base, and I appreciate that flexibility. Whether I want to perk myself up before a day in the office, hydrate on a long walk, or relive the nostalgia of my childhood lemonade stand, there will be a Blueberry Breeze Refresher for any occasion. I’m usually one-and-done when it comes to limited-time seasonal variants, but this drink accommodates my desire for novelty and adaptability so well that I can see myself reaching for another whenever I’m feeling blue this summer.

Purchased Price: $4.56
Size: Medium
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (w/Green Tea) 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 28 grams of sugar (including 28 grams of added sugar), and 1 gram of protein.

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