Some people go to rehab for illegal drugs. Some people go to rehab for alcohol addiction. Some people go to rehab for things they’ve done to animals sexually. Finally, some go to rehab for their extreme Sesame Street addiction.

I have an addiction…Um, I mean a friend of mine has an addiction to Sesame Street which some people might say is “unhealthy” and “perverse,” and I have…I mean he has gotten a lot help for it. His addiction began innocently as a young child watching Sesame Street daily on PBS. Little did he know that his love of learning numbers, letters, and basic Spanish words and phrases would turn into a love stronger than anything he’s ever imagined.

A love so wrong, yet so right.

Perhaps his love of learning and the pressure of getting good grades were the catalysts for his Sesame Street obsession. They say repetition is one of the ways to learn something and I spent…Um, I mean my friend spent hours watching repeats of the Emmy-award winning show. In no time, he became proficient at counting up to ten, learning all 26 letters of the alphabet, and used the Spanish phrase muy bien regularly in his conversations with others.

However, that wasn’t enough for him. He didn’t want to just watch Sesame Street, he wanted to sweep the clouds away on his way to where the air is sweet. He wanted someone to tell him how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, but no one could tell him how. Instead, thanks to extensive merchandising, he surrounded himself with everything Sesame Street.

Even at the age of 31, his apartment is a shrine to the world’s greatest educational children’s television series EVER. With all of the Sesame Street merchandise he’s collected over the years, some call his apartment an “eBay goldmine,” while others call it “a total chick repellant.”

During his free time as an adult, he spent it doing something Sesame Street-related. For example, because they don’t make adult-sized male Sesame Street pajamas, he took Sesame Street bed sheets and used it as fabric to sew his own pajamas. He also created his own Sesame Street episodes, using puppets he bought in 1990s, that taught the characters important lessons, like the need for Oscar the Grouch to wear deodorant, teaching Snuffleupagus how to hide his marijuana stash from drug sniffing dogs, and tutoring Ernie on the importance of safe sex.

Eventually, it got to the point when my…I mean his Sesame Street addiction took an unusual turn. Whenever cookies were around, he would loudly say Cookie Monster’s catch phrase, “Me want cookie!” and then sing the C Is For Cookie song. He also began inappropriately using his vibrating Tickle-Me-Elmo for entertaining purposes, but not the entertaining purposes it was intended for.

His gradual psychological deterioration caused by his Sesame Street obsession can be seen in the forms of artwork he’s done over the years, which began as a fingerpainting of Big Bird in kindergarden, then doodles of Bert and Ernie in the margins of his high school physics notes, and recently, his anatomically-correct oil painting of Grover.

Before the intervention, his family and friends tricked him into going to by saying they were taking him to see the ice skating production of Sesame Street on Ice, he personally tried to seek help for his Sesame Street addiction by drinking several cans of Rehab Energy Drink. Its berry flavor was good, the light carbonation made it easy to drink, the 120 milligrams of caffeine and the B Vitamins gave a good boost of energy, and it had polyphenol and catechin antioxidants, which is rare for an energy drink, but all of that didn’t help with his addiction.

He should’ve known it wouldn’t work for him, after all it didn’t work with Lindsay Lohan and her whorish ways. Perhaps she should seek professional help, like I did…I mean my friend did. Today, he’s slowly overcoming his Sesame Street addiction and has been spending more time with the slightly less addictive and slightly less time consuming World of Warcraft.

Item: Rehab Energy Drink
Price: $2.29 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good berry flavor. 120 milligrams of sweet caffeine. Lots of B Vitamins. Easy to drink. Lots of polyphenol and catechin antioxidants. The educational qualities of Sesame Street. Using a Tickle-Me-Elmo to entertain.
Cons: Pricey for a 12-ounce can. My addiction…I mean my friend’s addiction to Sesame Street. Lindsay Lohan drinks it. Repelling women with a Sesame Street shrine. Using a Tickle-Me-Elmo to entertain.

Wassup, bitch!

I heard from my sister’s hairstylist’s mother’s babysitter’s gynecologist’s grandma that you were talking shit about me, little Ms. Tab Energy.

Oh, don’t be actin’ like you don’t know, cuz I know you know.

She said that you said I look like RuPaul. Well let me tell you that RuPaul is way better looking than you will ever be and he’s a dude. You’re just jealous that I got the body of a tall supermodel and a mind like Clair Huxtable’s, while you’ve got the body of Barbara Walters and a mind like pornstar Blair Fuxtable’s.

Psss…Don’t be tryin’ to play dumb with me, bitch.

I also heard from my girlfriend’s lawyer’s proctologist’s ex-brother-in-law that you also called me a fake plastic Barbie doll. Whatever, bitch!

You should look in the mirror sometime, because back in the day you looked way different, Ms. Tab Energy. You were short, chubby, and looked like a pink makeup Caboodle.

But look at you now at 40 years old, trying to look twenty years younger with pink, caffeine, plastic surgery, and liposuction. I don’t know if you’re in some kind of competition with Michael Jackson, but you’ve had so much plastic surgery that your body is now considered recyclable. Also, you can get all the plastic surgery and liposuction you want, but those stripes on you make you look fat.

Why you gotta hate, bitch? Just because I’m taller than you, taste better than you, and have more caffeine than you doesn’t mean you gotta be talking behind my back.

I got less than three calories, while you have five calories. I have 1,200 milligrams of taurine, while you have 785 milligrams. I have 150 milligrams of caffeine, while you have 95 milligrams. I have 150% of the daily allowance for niacin, while you only have 25%. I have 120% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B12, and you have a measly 15%. I also should mention the fact that I have 375% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B6, and all you got is 25%. I’ve got enough energy to make anyone as perky as Rachael Ray or Pam Anderson’s nipples on a breezy winter day.

I also have a mild herbal appetite suppressant, so howyoulikemenow, bitch?

What? You got nothin’ to say now? Cat got your tab? Well, I ain’t done with your striped ass yet.

I’m taller than you and have more energy than you, but I’m most proud of the fact that my berry tastes better than yours. I have a good berry flavor and that’s without sugar. Once people get a taste my berry, they ain’t going to want yours no more, Ms. Tab Energy.

So I better not hear from my plumber’s daughter’s lesbian lover’s nanny’s former classmate that you were talking shit about me, because I’ll go Jerry Springer Show on you, bitch!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long-time TIB reader Chuck, who informed me about Go Girl Energy Drink. For more Go Girl Energy Drink reviews, visit Screaming Energy and Energy Drink Reviews.)

Item: Go Girl Energy Drink
Price: $2.50 (12-ounce)
Purchased at: A Chevron gas station between Tahoe and Sacramento
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Good berry flavor. Sugar free. 150 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Lots of B vitamins. Very low calorie. Portion of the proceeds donated to breast cancer research.
Cons: Hard to find. Talking shit about Go Girl Energy Drink. Going Jerry Springer Show on someone. Having the body of Barbara Walters and the mind of pornstar Blair Fuxtable.

If there is one thing you should know about me it’s that I’m all about obsessive-compulsive cleanliness, so I was totally stoked about finally getting a Rumba vacuuming robot.

It’s been the number one thing on my wishlist for the past couple of years, ahead of my desire for a new Steven Seagal movie that doesn’t go straight to DVD and more episodes of the supersonic helicopter television series Airwolf.

There were many things that surprised me about the Rumba. The first was its cost. I thought these household wonders were about $199 and not the $1.99 I paid at the convenience store down the street. Another surprise was that it didn’t need to be plugged into an outlet for power. It apparently was solar powered, which I figured out thanks to the picture of the sun on its body.

If you don’t own a Rumba, the best part about having one is the fact that they’re semi-autonomous. Just like the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie and placing children in front of a television, you can “set it and forget it.” I didn’t know how to program mine, since it didn’t come with a manual, so I just touched it and hoped for the best, but unfortunately it didn’t do anything.

I didn’t think it was broken, I thought it was just shy, so I decided to leave it alone and set up a camera to take time-lapse pictures of it in action. Here’s what the camera took and as you will see, it definitely took some hot action:

As you saw in the video, the Rumba gave my iPod some sweet, sweet — possibly a little rough — electronic lovin’. But it wasn’t just my iPod that I caught it with. The Rumba “plugged itself into” any device that had a port/hole in it, like my laptop, the subwoofer that came with my computer speakers, a USB hub, my wireless router, the cable modem, my cell phone, and I don’t know how it did it, but it also got it on with the camera that was taking the time-lapse photos of it.

I guess robots need love too.

I knew I had to stop the Rumba from humping my gadgets to prevent it from breaking them, so I decided to open up the Rumba to see what was wrong with it, despite the fact that it might void my warranty. In doing so, I discovered something surprising.

It turns out that the Rumba I got was not a gadget-humping vacuuming robot, instead it was a gadget-humping can of energy juice.

On the outside, the Rumba Energy Juice looks like any other energy drink out there, but inside the can is one of the best energy drinks I’ve ever had — and also probably the horniest energy drink ever.

It’s non-carbonated which means it’s REALLY easy to drink, like malt liquor is for a homeless alcoholic. What also makes it easy to drink is the fact that it tastes and looks just like orange juice, but not only does it contain orange juice, it’s also got apple, pear, peach, tangerine, pineapple, and white grape juice concentrates.

Despite the fact that it tastes like OJ, drinking it after brushing my teeth didn’t cause it to taste funky like regular OJ does.

If you look closely as the picture above, you’ll see a bunch of tiny white particles floating around in it, which I’m going to assume is some of the energy goodness found in the Rumba Energy Juice. It contains all the usual energy ingredients, like B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, caffeine, guarana, L-carnitine, and inositol, all of which did a good job of giving me a boost of energy.

No wonder the Rumba Energy Juice had a lot of energy to pound every electronic device I own.

Item: Rumba Energy Juice
Price: $1.99 (15.5-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: One of the best energy drinks I’ve had. Looks and tastes like orange juice. 100% juice. Easy to drink. Non-carbonated. Gave me a good energy pick up. Lots of vitamins and minerals. Airwolf.
Cons: Not a Roomba Vacuuming Robot. White particles floating around in it. Likes to hump gadgets.