REVIEW: Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink

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Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink

I thought the new Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink would be as bad as plastic surgery Axl Rose and Buckethead Guns ‘N Roses, but surprisingly it turned out to be Axl, Slash, Izzy, Duff, and Steven Appetite for Destruction Guns ‘N Roses good.

It’s surprising because most of the zero and low-carb foods I’ve tried over the years have ranged from Clay Aiken nauseating to Scott Stapp solo album atrocious, which, if you’re keeping track at home, is worse than Creed bad.

For example, the low-carb and low-taste Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal was so bad it was like I was chewing on anything made by the Ying Yang Twins, in other words, it was bland and uninspiring. The Skippy Carb Options Peanut Butter was like spreading Paris Hilton’s album on top of…um, well she’ll spread her album or herself on anything.

The Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink is one of the few low-carb products out there I like very much. As a matter of fact, I prefer it over the original Rockstar Energy Drink, just like I prefer the New Monkees over the old Monkees.

It’s currently my favorite energy drink, having bought about a dozen over the past month. Its berry flavor was good, it was pretty easy to drink due to the lack of carbonation, and despite the sucralose, I was surprised that there really wasn’t a strong artificial sweetener taste, like most “low-carb,” “sugar-free,” and “diet” energy drinks have.

As we all learned either in biology class or on Sesame Street, carbohydrates are broken down in the body and release energy for our bodies to use when running a marathon, robbing a bank, or doing the Electric Boogaloo.

At first I thought an energy drink without any carbs would be disappointing like Metallica without the long headbanging hair, No Doubt without Gwen Stefani, Harry Connick Jr. having a song without the word love in it, a 2 Live Crew album without big booty bikini bitches on its cover, or women not throwing their panties on stage at a Barry Manilow or Tom Jones concert.

However, the Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink made up for its lack of carbs with a bunch of the typical energy-creating herbs and vitamins with funny names.

Inside its 16-ounce can there’s 240 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine; 2,000 milligrams of sweet, sweet taurine; 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet green tea extractives; 50 milligrams of sweet, sweet L-Carnitine; 50 milligrams of sweet, sweet yerba mate leaf extract; and a bunch of B vitamins. It’s got enough energy goodness to either keep awake a college student cramming for their biomolecular fission class midterm, keep alert a World of Warcraft junkie spending his or her entire weekend trying to get their character to level sixty, or make Andrew W.K. normal.

Item: Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink
Price: $1.75 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good berry taste. Zero carbs. Low calorie. 240 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. 16-ounce can. Getting a character to level sixty in WoW. No strong artificial sweetener taste. Guns ‘N Roses before Use Your Illusion. Sesame Street.
Cons: Tom Jones and Barry Manilow not having panties thrown at them on stage. Ying Yang Twins. Guns ‘N Roses after Use Your Illusion.

REVIEW: Cocaine Energy Drink

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I NEED A YAK RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN WRESTLE IT!

There’s been a lot of hype surrounding the new Cocaine Energy Drink, which doesn’t contain any illegal cocaine, but supposedly does try to recreate some of the feelings one would receive after doing a few lines of yeyo, which is Kate Moss’ favorite past time. For the past few hours, I’ve been feeling — and yelling — the effects of it.

I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!

The makers of Cocaine Energy Drink claim that it has 350 times more energy than Red Bull, giving drinkers energy that lasts for up to five hours, and doesn’t make you crash after those five hours are up. With 280 milligrams of caffeine per 8.4 ounce can, it almost has three times the amount of caffeine in a can of Red Bull. I’m typing this at 3 o’clock in the morning and I’m frickin’ wired.

ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

Although, I don’t know if the wired feeling I’m having is because of the 280 milligrams of caffeine, 750 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of inositol, B vitamins, 50 milligrams of L-Carnitine, 250 milligrams of D-Ribose, and 25 milligrams of guarana, or because of the slight burning sensation in my mouth, throat, and chest. I didn’t even drink half of the can yet.

I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! AND DON’T IT FEEL GOOD!

After opening the can, there’s a definite cherry scent to it and after the first sip I took it had kind of lame cherry flavor to it, but once the burning/numbing feeling started in my mouth and throat, all sips after that didn’t really have a taste to them. It was like the Cocaine Energy Drink numbed my taste buds. But once the burning/numbing feeling went away, I could taste the cherry flavor again.

I’M A LITTLE TEA POT SHORT AND STOUT! HERE IS MY HANDLE! HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT! TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT!

The burning/numbing feeling is not the only weird effect I’m having with the Cocaine Energy Drink. On several occasion, while sipping from the can, I would cough for some strange reason. Once in awhile my heart feels like it’s going to explode. Also, my nose feels runny.

I AM XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS! AI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI!

Earlier in the day, I decided to drink about a third of a can before I went for my afternoon jog, since there have been studies that show caffeine has an effect on athletic performance. It turned out to be one of best jogging sessions I’ve had in awhile.

I AM A NIPPLE AND I AM TOTALLY PERKY RIGHT NOW!

I just finished the 8.4-ounce can of Cocaine Energy Drink, but I didn’t drink it at a normal pace. I’ve been nursing it for over three hours and I finally finished it by mixing it with some vodka, which turned out all right. I have three cans of Cocaine Energy Drink left, but I don’t think I’ll be drinking them for a while, because I’m tired of yelling.

NICKLEBACK AND CREED ARE THE GREATEST BANDS EVER!

Item: Cocaine Energy Drink
Price: $17.50 (for 4 cans – not including shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Definitely gave me energy. Loaded with caffeine. Doesn’t contain high fructose corn syrup. Decent with vodka. Supposedly there’s no energy crash. Helped with my afternoon jog.
Cons: Overhyped. Doesn’t taste very good. Burning/numbing effect. No yaks around to wrestle. Had to buy them off of eBay. Caused coughing, heart exploding feeling, and a runny nose feeling. Creed and Nickleback. Yelling nonsense.

Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink & Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink

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If I ever harmed Kevin Federline (and believe me I am so frickin’ close to doing so) for either stupidity, releasing another rap album, or spreading his seed, I would hate to be arrested and questioned by the regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink and the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink…if they were cops.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably be the good cop, wanting to be friends with me and offering me things to eat and drink, while the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would be the bad cop, slapping the taste right out of my mouth for no reason and calling me a no good piece of shit.

Each would use their own tactics to get a confession out of me.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably pat me on the back and say, “Hey man, I know you didn’t do it. You seem like a nice guy and you know how I can tell? Because I’m a nice guy and I taste almost like a regular Arizona Green Tea, except a little less sweet. I don’t want you to have to face my partner, diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink. He’s an asshole. He thinks he’s bad ass, because he’s got 44 less grams of sugar, 90 percent less calories, and 46 grams less carbs than I do, but I’ve got 100 milligrams of caffeine compared to his 80 milligrams. That extra caffeine makes me more alert and makes me realize that you’re a nice guy. Just tell me who stuck that broom up Kevin Federline’s ass and you can go home.”

Other the hand the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably slap me across the face and say, “Hey asswipe, I know you shoved the broom up Kevin Federline’s ass, tied his arms and legs together, and left him in a room playing the Chicken Noodle Soup song non-stop. We can do this the easy way. Or we can do this the hard way. I prefer the hard way, which involves shoving a really thick broom up your ass, tying your arms and legs together, and leaving you alone in a room with a naked and oiled-up Yanni playing his greatest hits over and over again. What? You’re not going to say anything? Want me to kick your ass! I’m a bitter son of a bitch thanks to the Splenda in me. And you wouldn’t want to drink me when I’m warm, because I taste metallic and will slap the taste right out of your mouth, you little maggot.”

So who would I confess to?

Well they both have 0 grams of fat, low sodium, 100% RDA of Vitamin C, 100% RDA Vitamin B6, 100% RDA Vitamin B12, 1000 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of panax ginseng, 100 milligrams of inositol, 100 milligrams of guarana, 100 mg of glucuronolactone, and 35 milligrams of milk thistle. However, the diet version tastes horrible, especially when warm, and the regular has a little more caffeine.

But in the end, I would probably confess to both of them, because thanks to every entertainment news show, tabloid, and blog reporting on my deed, I would probably become a hero in the eyes of the millions of Kevin Federline haters out there.

Of course, I would be a hero until someone outdoes me by kidnapping Kevin Federline, strapping him to the back of a remote controlled AMC Gremlin like he’s having sex with it, and driving him across the country with a sign on his back, which says, “I will screw anything that moves.”

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews visit Energy Drink Ratings, Screaming Energy, and Taurine Rules.)

Item: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink & Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink
Price: $1.75 each (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Regular)
Rating: 1 out of 5 (Diet)
Pros: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink is like the good cop and it tastes decent. Regular version has 100 mg of caffeine. Diet version has only 20 calories per can and 6 grams of sugar. Both are full of energy herbs and vitamins.
Cons: Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink is like the bad cop and tastes horrible. Getting the taste slapped out of my mouth by the Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink. Diet version has 80 mg of caffeine.

Soda Club Energy Drink Mix

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Growing up, I loved to make things like planes made out of Lego; dams in the backyard stream; slingshots with sticks and rubber bands; forts made out of pillows, boxes, and blankets; mixtapes with Huey Lewis and the News, Prince and Cyndi Lauper; and provocative poses using stuffed animals.

Over the years, my tastes have changed, but I still love to make things like decadent desserts; custom iTunes playlists with the Barenaked Ladies, Beyonce and the Beatles; paper mache masks of assassinated U.S. Presidents; blogs I occasionally update; hot and passionate whoopie; and Build-A-Bear.

Because of my love for making things, I looked forward to trying and reviewing the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. However, I had some trepidation because I believe that the first rule of Soda Club is…you do not talk about Soda Club. Of course, the second rule of Soda Club is…you DO NOT talk about Soda Club.

Then I realized the third rule of Soda Club…taking famous lines from movies and adding your own twist to them to make you seem witty is just plain lame, especially if you’ve never seen the movie.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to make an energy drink thanks to the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. The instructions to make a liter of it was illiterately simple due to the drawings on the back of the packaging.

1. Get a one liter bottle of seltzer water.
2. Twist off the cap of the seltzer water.
3. Squirt Soda Club Energy Drink Mix into seltzer water bottle.
4. Twist on the cap of the seltzer water.
5. Shake it like you’re a pimp trying to get yo’ money from yo’ hos.
6. Let the bottle sit for a while.
7. Enjoy.

It was definitely easier than a simple sudoku or removing a bra using only my teeth, but not as easy as figuring out Lance Bass was gay. As you can see from the picture on the left, the Soda Club Energy Drink looks like beer. For something that was low sugar and low calorie, I was surprised by how decent it tasted. It’s definitely not the best energy drink I’ve tasted, but it’s definitely not the worst either. It also gave me a good boost of energy, but I guess that should happen after drinking the entire one liter bottle within 30 minutes.

The greatest appeal of the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix is the fact that is can be significantly cheaper to make your own energy drink using this mix rather than spending $1 to $2 for either a 8- or 16-ounce can of energy drinks like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar.

With its decent taste, decent energy boost, and inexpensive price, the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix may come in handy during those nights I’m making either a decadent dessert or wet and sticky whoopie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Emily, an intern at Soda Club, for the free samples of Soda Club Energy Drink. Actually, she sent these to me months ago, so she might not be an intern anymore. It was so long ago that she might’ve graduated from college, moved on in the world, and is right now making her way up the corporate ladder. Or she might’ve moved to the Caribbean to enjoy the warm beaches…and occasional hurricanes. Anyway, thanks again, Emily!

Item: Soda Club Energy Drink Mix
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by Emily, a Soda Club intern.
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Despite being low-sugar and low calorie, it has a decent taste. Decent energy. Inexpensive compared with mainstream energy drinks. Easy to make. Looks like beer. Lots of B Vitamins. Some Vitamin C. Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Missing the good energy stuff, like taurine and guarana, ginseng, and other things I have a hard time pronouncing. Opening bottles of soda after shaking it. Pimps trying to get money from their hos.

Rockstar Juiced

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Rockstar Juiced

“Being juiced” is usually only reserved for some Olympic athletes and baseball players, but thanks to Rockstar Juiced, now everyone can be juiced too.

Although, by drinking Rockstar Juiced we can’t have the increased athletic performance, premature baldness, severe acne, enlargement of the heart, increased body hair, liver damage, elevated blood pressure, abnormal breast development (in men), permanently enlarged clitoris (in women), and shrunken balls (in men) that comes with the other juice.

Instead, what I got from drinking it was an easy to drink energy drink, thanks to the 70 percent juice in it, that tasted much better than the original Rockstar energy drink. The mango, orange, and passion fruit combination in Rockstar Juiced was very good, although I thought the passion fruit taste was a little too strong, which overpowered the other flavors, much like how Beyoncé does with Destiny’s Child.

Oh, if only I had as much passion as this Rockstar Juiced, then maybe my ex-girlfriends wouldn’t have broken up with me and I wouldn’t be single today. Maybe if I had more passion, I would be married, a homeowner, a pet owner, and perhaps, a parent.

I would be working during the day, spending time with my family in the evening, and making sweet, sweet love with the wife late at night. Then eventually that routine would get old and I would hang with my co-workers at the bar, come home late, get into verbal fights with my wife, spend less time with the kids, and buy a convertible sports car.

Anyway, along with the strong passion fruit taste, another thing that bothered me about the Rockstar Juiced is the fact that despite having the word “rockstar” in it, I don’t think any rock star would actually pick it up.

The reason why I say this is because there are many other things available to rock stars which have much more appeal. Here’s a list, in no particular order:

1. Young groupies
2. Cocaine
3. Middle-aged groupies
4. Marijuana
5. Old groupies
6. Heroin
7. Groupie boobs to autograph
8. Acid
9. Lap dances from groupies
10. Magic mushrooms
11. Making a sex tape with groupies, which eventually finds its way onto the internet
12. Ecstasy
13. Sloppy seconds with groupies

Sure the Rockstar Juiced has 160 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can, but cocaine is much more effective for late night partying. Also, Rockstar Juiced may have 130 milligrams of a combination of guarana, ginseng, and ginkgo herbs, but when it’s time to mellow out for rock stars, marijuana is herb of choice.

Well I guess I should be glad that rock stars probably don’t consume Rockstar Juiced, because it just means more for the rest of us.

Item: Rockstar Juiced
Price: $1.69 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really good flavor. Easy to drink. 70 percent juice. 160 mg of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Slightly less sugar than most energy drinks (21 grams per 8-ounce serving). Autographing groupie boobs (Someday I will accomplish this).
Cons: A little too much passion fruit flavor. Not illegal or hedonistic enough for rock stars. My lack of passion.

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