Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee

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Like all drugs, caffeine has side effects.

For myself, the only side effects I get from caffeine are temporary high blood pressure, stomach aches, and the urge to run down the street yelling random things about indie bands like, “Listening to Belle & Sebastian does not make me a pussy!”

Caffeine’s side effects are much less harsh than other legal drugs. I don’t think you can get any of the following side effects from caffeine: 4-hour erections, mood swings, irregular periods, dry mouth, diarrhea, sleepiness, nausea, unnatural happiness, premature ejaculation, headaches, weight gain, weight loss, loss of libido, loss of hair, growth of hair in unusual places, erectile dysfunction, insomnia, loss of appetite, dry skin, shortness of breath, and laughing while watching According to Jim.

The majority of my caffeine intake comes in the form of energy drinks and the majority of my sugar intake comes in the form of Slurpees, so I was happy to hear about the new Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee, which takes two of my favorite things I like to stick in my mouth — energy drinks and Slurpees — and puts them together in a slushy form that looks refreshingly fun in the hands of a 12-year-old, but embarrassingly creepy and sad in the hands of a single 31-year-old male.

Of course, with it being a combination of energy drink and Slurpee, its main appeal are the energy ingredients found in it. As common as product shout outs in rap lyrics, the energy ingredients found in the Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee are the same ones in most energy drink, like caffeine, taurine, carnitine, ginseng, guarana, and sugar.

The 40-ounce cup I had contained 99 milligrams of caffeine, 19.7 milligrams of niacinamide, 1,659 milligrams of taurine, 40 milligrams of carnitine, 246 milligrams of ginseng extract, and 1.9 milligrams of guarana extract, which is roughly the same amounts as single servings of most energy drinks. It also contained 307 calories, 79 grams of carbs, and 79 grams of sugar.

Of course, the smaller the Slurpee cup you get, the less energy and chances of diabetes you’ll receive.

The Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee had a sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. It wasn’t the best tasting Slurpee I’ve had, but it’s one the best tasting energy products I’ve had.

Although, it was really disappointing that despite drinking all 40 ounces of the energy-infused Slurpee, it didn’t kick my ass into gear like most energy drinks and Taebo tapes do. I did feel a boost of energy, but nothing like the ones I get from drinking regular energy drinks.

This disappointed me because I really felt like running though my office yelling, “Listening to Dashboard Confessional does not make me bitter or sad!”

Item: Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sweet citrus taste with a hint of tropical fruit flavor. One of the best tasting energy products I’ve had. Full of the same energy ingredients found in most energy drinks. Slight boost of energy. 4-hour erections at home.
Cons: Not enough energy to kick my ass into gear. Not the best Slurpee I’ve had. Only the 40-ounce cup has amounts of energy equal to most energy drinks. Lots of sugar. The caffeine side effect involving me yelling random things about indie bands like, “All Mates of State songs sound exactly like each other!” 4-hour erections at work.

Rehab Energy Drink

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Some people go to rehab for illegal drugs. Some people go to rehab for alcohol addiction. Some people go to rehab for things they’ve done to animals sexually. Finally, some go to rehab for their extreme Sesame Street addiction.

I have an addiction…Um, I mean a friend of mine has an addiction to Sesame Street which some people might say is “unhealthy” and “perverse,” and I have…I mean he has gotten a lot help for it. His addiction began innocently as a young child watching Sesame Street daily on PBS. Little did he know that his love of learning numbers, letters, and basic Spanish words and phrases would turn into a love stronger than anything he’s ever imagined.

A love so wrong, yet so right.

Perhaps his love of learning and the pressure of getting good grades were the catalysts for his Sesame Street obsession. They say repetition is one of the ways to learn something and I spent…Um, I mean my friend spent hours watching repeats of the Emmy-award winning show. In no time, he became proficient at counting up to ten, learning all 26 letters of the alphabet, and used the Spanish phrase muy bien regularly in his conversations with others.

However, that wasn’t enough for him. He didn’t want to just watch Sesame Street, he wanted to sweep the clouds away on his way to where the air is sweet. He wanted someone to tell him how to get, how to get to Sesame Street, but no one could tell him how. Instead, thanks to extensive merchandising, he surrounded himself with everything Sesame Street.

Even at the age of 31, his apartment is a shrine to the world’s greatest educational children’s television series EVER. With all of the Sesame Street merchandise he’s collected over the years, some call his apartment an “eBay goldmine,” while others call it “a total chick repellant.”

During his free time as an adult, he spent it doing something Sesame Street-related. For example, because they don’t make adult-sized male Sesame Street pajamas, he took Sesame Street bed sheets and used it as fabric to sew his own pajamas. He also created his own Sesame Street episodes, using puppets he bought in 1990s, that taught the characters important lessons, like the need for Oscar the Grouch to wear deodorant, teaching Snuffleupagus how to hide his marijuana stash from drug sniffing dogs, and tutoring Ernie on the importance of safe sex.

Eventually, it got to the point when my…I mean his Sesame Street addiction took an unusual turn. Whenever cookies were around, he would loudly say Cookie Monster’s catch phrase, “Me want cookie!” and then sing the C Is For Cookie song. He also began inappropriately using his vibrating Tickle-Me-Elmo for entertaining purposes, but not the entertaining purposes it was intended for.

His gradual psychological deterioration caused by his Sesame Street obsession can be seen in the forms of artwork he’s done over the years, which began as a fingerpainting of Big Bird in kindergarden, then doodles of Bert and Ernie in the margins of his high school physics notes, and recently, his anatomically-correct oil painting of Grover.

Before the intervention, his family and friends tricked him into going to by saying they were taking him to see the ice skating production of Sesame Street on Ice, he personally tried to seek help for his Sesame Street addiction by drinking several cans of Rehab Energy Drink. Its berry flavor was good, the light carbonation made it easy to drink, the 120 milligrams of caffeine and the B Vitamins gave a good boost of energy, and it had polyphenol and catechin antioxidants, which is rare for an energy drink, but all of that didn’t help with his addiction.

He should’ve known it wouldn’t work for him, after all it didn’t work with Lindsay Lohan and her whorish ways. Perhaps she should seek professional help, like I did…I mean my friend did. Today, he’s slowly overcoming his Sesame Street addiction and has been spending more time with the slightly less addictive and slightly less time consuming World of Warcraft.

Item: Rehab Energy Drink
Price: $2.29 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good berry flavor. 120 milligrams of sweet caffeine. Lots of B Vitamins. Easy to drink. Lots of polyphenol and catechin antioxidants. The educational qualities of Sesame Street. Using a Tickle-Me-Elmo to entertain.
Cons: Pricey for a 12-ounce can. My addiction…I mean my friend’s addiction to Sesame Street. Lindsay Lohan drinks it. Repelling women with a Sesame Street shrine. Using a Tickle-Me-Elmo to entertain.

Go Girl Energy Drink

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Wassup, bitch!

I heard from my sister’s hairstylist’s mother’s babysitter’s gynecologist’s grandma that you were talking shit about me, little Ms. Tab Energy.

Oh, don’t be actin’ like you don’t know, cuz I know you know.

She said that you said I look like RuPaul. Well let me tell you that RuPaul is way better looking than you will ever be and he’s a dude. You’re just jealous that I got the body of a tall supermodel and a mind like Clair Huxtable’s, while you’ve got the body of Barbara Walters and a mind like pornstar Blair Fuxtable’s.

Psss…Don’t be tryin’ to play dumb with me, bitch.

I also heard from my girlfriend’s lawyer’s proctologist’s ex-brother-in-law that you also called me a fake plastic Barbie doll. Whatever, bitch!

You should look in the mirror sometime, because back in the day you looked way different, Ms. Tab Energy. You were short, chubby, and looked like a pink makeup Caboodle.

But look at you now at 40 years old, trying to look twenty years younger with pink, caffeine, plastic surgery, and liposuction. I don’t know if you’re in some kind of competition with Michael Jackson, but you’ve had so much plastic surgery that your body is now considered recyclable. Also, you can get all the plastic surgery and liposuction you want, but those stripes on you make you look fat.

Why you gotta hate, bitch? Just because I’m taller than you, taste better than you, and have more caffeine than you doesn’t mean you gotta be talking behind my back.

I got less than three calories, while you have five calories. I have 1,200 milligrams of taurine, while you have 785 milligrams. I have 150 milligrams of caffeine, while you have 95 milligrams. I have 150% of the daily allowance for niacin, while you only have 25%. I have 120% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B12, and you have a measly 15%. I also should mention the fact that I have 375% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B6, and all you got is 25%. I’ve got enough energy to make anyone as perky as Rachael Ray or Pam Anderson’s nipples on a breezy winter day.

I also have a mild herbal appetite suppressant, so howyoulikemenow, bitch?

What? You got nothin’ to say now? Cat got your tab? Well, I ain’t done with your striped ass yet.

I’m taller than you and have more energy than you, but I’m most proud of the fact that my berry tastes better than yours. I have a good berry flavor and that’s without sugar. Once people get a taste my berry, they ain’t going to want yours no more, Ms. Tab Energy.

So I better not hear from my plumber’s daughter’s lesbian lover’s nanny’s former classmate that you were talking shit about me, because I’ll go Jerry Springer Show on you, bitch!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long-time TIB reader Chuck, who informed me about Go Girl Energy Drink. For more Go Girl Energy Drink reviews, visit Screaming Energy and Energy Drink Reviews.)

Item: Go Girl Energy Drink
Price: $2.50 (12-ounce)
Purchased at: A Chevron gas station between Tahoe and Sacramento
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Good berry flavor. Sugar free. 150 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Lots of B vitamins. Very low calorie. Portion of the proceeds donated to breast cancer research.
Cons: Hard to find. Talking shit about Go Girl Energy Drink. Going Jerry Springer Show on someone. Having the body of Barbara Walters and the mind of pornstar Blair Fuxtable.

REVIEW: Rumba Energy Juice

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If there is one thing you should know about me it’s that I’m all about obsessive-compulsive cleanliness, so I was totally stoked about finally getting a Rumba vacuuming robot.

It’s been the number one thing on my wishlist for the past couple of years, ahead of my desire for a new Steven Seagal movie that doesn’t go straight to DVD and more episodes of the supersonic helicopter television series Airwolf.

There were many things that surprised me about the Rumba. The first was its cost. I thought these household wonders were about $199 and not the $1.99 I paid at the convenience store down the street. Another surprise was that it didn’t need to be plugged into an outlet for power. It apparently was solar powered, which I figured out thanks to the picture of the sun on its body.

If you don’t own a Rumba, the best part about having one is the fact that they’re semi-autonomous. Just like the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie and placing children in front of a television, you can “set it and forget it.” I didn’t know how to program mine, since it didn’t come with a manual, so I just touched it and hoped for the best, but unfortunately it didn’t do anything.

I didn’t think it was broken, I thought it was just shy, so I decided to leave it alone and set up a camera to take time-lapse pictures of it in action. Here’s what the camera took and as you will see, it definitely took some hot action:

As you saw in the video, the Rumba gave my iPod some sweet, sweet — possibly a little rough — electronic lovin’. But it wasn’t just my iPod that I caught it with. The Rumba “plugged itself into” any device that had a port/hole in it, like my laptop, the subwoofer that came with my computer speakers, a USB hub, my wireless router, the cable modem, my cell phone, and I don’t know how it did it, but it also got it on with the camera that was taking the time-lapse photos of it.

I guess robots need love too.

I knew I had to stop the Rumba from humping my gadgets to prevent it from breaking them, so I decided to open up the Rumba to see what was wrong with it, despite the fact that it might void my warranty. In doing so, I discovered something surprising.

It turns out that the Rumba I got was not a gadget-humping vacuuming robot, instead it was a gadget-humping can of energy juice.

On the outside, the Rumba Energy Juice looks like any other energy drink out there, but inside the can is one of the best energy drinks I’ve ever had — and also probably the horniest energy drink ever.

It’s non-carbonated which means it’s REALLY easy to drink, like malt liquor is for a homeless alcoholic. What also makes it easy to drink is the fact that it tastes and looks just like orange juice, but not only does it contain orange juice, it’s also got apple, pear, peach, tangerine, pineapple, and white grape juice concentrates.

Despite the fact that it tastes like OJ, drinking it after brushing my teeth didn’t cause it to taste funky like regular OJ does.

If you look closely as the picture above, you’ll see a bunch of tiny white particles floating around in it, which I’m going to assume is some of the energy goodness found in the Rumba Energy Juice. It contains all the usual energy ingredients, like B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, caffeine, guarana, L-carnitine, and inositol, all of which did a good job of giving me a boost of energy.

No wonder the Rumba Energy Juice had a lot of energy to pound every electronic device I own.

Item: Rumba Energy Juice
Price: $1.99 (15.5-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: One of the best energy drinks I’ve had. Looks and tastes like orange juice. 100% juice. Easy to drink. Non-carbonated. Gave me a good energy pick up. Lots of vitamins and minerals. Airwolf.
Cons: Not a Roomba Vacuuming Robot. White particles floating around in it. Likes to hump gadgets.

REVIEW: Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink

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I don’t know about you, but it’s hard for me to eat or drink something with an ingredient I have no idea about or can’t pronounce. That’s how it is for me with jahlapinos.

When I first purchased the Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink, I couldn’t drink it because of its blue agave flavor. I had no idea what an agave was and I didn’t know if it was pronounced a-gave, aga-ve, ag-ave, a-ga-ve, or ag-av-e.

To learn about agave, I looked it up at my source for knowledge and sexual positions, Wikipedia. When I got to the agave page, I attempted to read it and experience everything that is the agave, but their definition of agave was a-dull.

Here’s a sample of what was written about agave on Wikipedia:

Agaves are succulent plants of a large botanical genus of the same name, belonging to the family Agavaceae. Chiefly Mexican, they occur also in the southern and western United States and in central and tropical South America. The plants have a large rosette of thick fleshy leaves generally ending in a sharp point and with a spiny margin; the stout stem is usually short, the leaves apparently springing from the root.

Each rosette is monocarpic and grows slowly to flower only once. During flowering a tall stem or….ZZZZZZZZ.

As you can see, Wikipedia’s definition of the agave is pretty boring and can be used fight insomnia. It definitely doesn’t sound like something I would want in a kick ass energy drink. But I can easily change my perception of agave by changing my definition of it. So here’s my attempt to zazz up the agave and turn it into something worthy of an energy drink.

Agaves were once large flesh-eating plants, but evolved into the big leafy plants they are today. When they were flesh-eating plants, human sacrifices were made to them to help with the upcoming crop season and they were also used for entertainment by pitting two flesh-eating agave plants against each other. Agaves are considered an aphrodisiac and are grown with marijuana and coca plant crops in Mexico to attract insects to them instead of the more profitable illegal drug producing crops. Both of these uses are the reason why it’s been given the nickname, “Spanish Fly.”

Wars have been waged over its succulent fruit which was believed to grant the eater immortality, along with constipation. It is also believed agaves were one of the reasons for the downfalls of the Aztec Empire and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s marriage. Its flowers, which take a long time to bloom, have been the inspiration for many classic rock songs, including Guns ‘N Roses “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and The Beatles “Yellow Submarine.”.

Oh dude, after reading my definition of agave, it totally ROCKS!!!

Now that I know more about agave and its history as a flesh-eating plant and classic rock song inspirer, I can finally try it.

Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink is syrupy and has a nice sweet berry flavor. It’s syrupiness kind of reminds me of the Monster Energy Drink. Actually, if Monster did make blue-colored flavor, it would probably taste like this.

I’m not too sure how much caffeine it has, but it’s got 57 grams of carbs, 1,194 milligrams of taurine, 177 milligrams of ginseng, 28 milligrams of carnitine, 1.3 milligrams guarana extract, and some B vitamins to give you energy. Despite all of that, plus whatever amount of caffeine it has, it didn’t seem to give me much of an energy kick, which disappointed me.

Too bad the agave can’t give me a boost of energy, since it seems to be able to do everything else.

Item: Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink
Price: $1.89 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good sweet berry flavor. Comes in 16-ounce can. It’s blue color. My definition of agave. The agave’s ability to inspire classic rock songs. Wikipedia.
Cons: Doesn’t have much of an energy kick. The boring Wikipedia definition of agave. Don’t know how to pronounce agave. Don’t know how to pronounce jahlapino.

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