REVIEW: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)

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Red Bull Editions
Call me old fashioned but if I need energy, I’ll drink a cup of hot coffee, snort some cocaine, or maybe do some meth like my grandpappy did in those sepia toned garage years.

The point is I’m not a fan of energy drinks because they’re either loaded with way too much sugar or taste like I’m guzzling Keebler elves piss. I also don’t like Red Bull because I once threw up from imbibing too many Red Bull & Vodkas back when they were chic and before frat boys made it their go-to cocktail. The strange “tang-taste” Red Bull has still makes me dry heave.

When I’m too lazy to make an espresso, I’ll head over to a convenience store and pick up one of those Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso drinks which come in tiny cans that make me feel sophisticated as I hold my tattered copy of Sylvia Plath that I never read. I don’t mind heading over to a convenience store because there’s something soothing about the glass doors and dim lighting of the refrigerated beverage shelves. While being comforted by the beverage shelves during a recent visit to 7-Eleven, I noticed new Red Bull flavors.

Red Bull Red (cranberry), Red Bull Silver (lime), and Red Bull Blue (blueberry) all come in the famous Red Bull skinny can, but with new graphics. I was intrigued. The other energy drink companies are introducing new flavors, why not Red Bull? I later found out they’re being sold exclusively at 7-Eleven until their national rollout March 2013.

The cashier gave me a sullen look as she rang up the buffalo chicken roller and Red Bulls. “It’s for a review!” I protested, but she just rolled her eyes and gave me my change. I don’t need to justify my purchases to her but I think I would give me the same look too. Oh well…

I was a bit cautious when I got home to try my new drinks because I knew if that familiar tangy flavor was prevalent, I was done and couldn’t review it. I pulled the tab. Is there no sound satisfying as the “pfffftttssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss” when you open a can? Not even the crackle of frying bacon or the screaming of a lobster when you dunk it into a hot bubbling pot can compare.

Red Bull Red Edition

Red Bull Red Edition
Red Bull Red tasted of cranberry juice with hints of an almost citrus nature. The infamous gag-reflex aftertaste Red Bull has was still present but pleasantly faint. The cranberry flavor was very forward. It had a great sweet and tart balance, like most good cranberry juices. I certainly enjoyed this one.

It won’t replace my cranberry juice in the morning or when I make a Cape Cod as I wear white cotton pants (similar to what Michael McDonald wears in music videos) sauntering on the hot sand. This was a surprise and very approachable for an energy drink that doesn’t taste like one. Plus, the name sounds like a twist on The Shining’s “REDRUM!!! REDRUM!!!”

Red Bull Silver Edition

Red Bull Silver Edition
This is the Red Bull that will probably garner the least amount of regular consumers. It tasted similar to Coca-Cola’s Italian offering, Beverly. I’m a big fan of the drink and before anyone scoffs, I’ll remind you that I also drink a healthy amount of Campari. Bitterness is a flavor, and an emotion, I savor intensely.

Red Bull Silver Edition immediately tasted like tonic water but then takes a sharp left into bitterness. I also enjoyed the faint lime flavor but wished there was a more pronounced citrus punch. You’d get more of a citrusy zing if you drank a citrus Alka-Seltzer or ate a dirty lemon wedge from the waiter’s stand.

I love bitter drinks but like the action movie Mortal Kombat, the public still isn’t jaded enough to appreciate it. It’s the boldest one of the three and I have to applaud Red Bull for it. I will hoard as many as possible before the execs realize they created a drink only 0.0003 percent of consumers will enjoy.

Red Bull Blue Edition

Red Bull Blue Edition
Blueberries are a strange flavor, like grape, because most blueberry and grape products don’t taste like their respective fruit. To be honest, I like the “candy” blueberry flavor better than actual blueberries, and Red Bull Blue Edition delivers it with a punch to the crotch and fisticuffs to your nagging granny as you lie there watching in pain.

The blueberry flavor is rich and not very sweet which is awesome. Also, like the other two, it’s bereft of that strong unpleasant tang. This one is, by far, my favorite of the three.

Red Bull Editions 2
I doubt anyone eats anything while they drink Red Bull but if you do, don’t (and that includes any food that calls itself “rollers”). The flavors are strong in a good way but like your pushy neighbor, it’s going to try to takeover and ruin everyone’s time. Also, I don’t know if I got an energy boost from them, since I didn’t feel any different. In fact, the only arduous thing I wanted to do was play some Borderlands 2 and eat some saltines.

These new Red Bull Edition offerings have changed my mind about Red Bull and I do hope all three survive, and not get discontinued like Red Bull Cola. Do yourself a favor, hunt for them. They’re well worth trying. Kudos to an energy drink that does not rely on its usual bags of tricks like overly syrupy flavors that cave your head in to let you know, “Hey, I’m a damn BLUEBERRY Potsie! RAAAAHHHHGHHHHAHHH!!!”

(Nutrition Facts – 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 100 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)
Purchased Price: $2.99 each
Size: 8.4 ounces each
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Red)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Silver)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Blue)
Pros: No Red Bull energy excruciating tang taste. The scene when Liu Kang meets his brother’s ghost with the song from Orbital playing…still brings me to tears. Cranberry tasted like cranberry juice. Not so sweet. Blueberry is present and plays nice. Michael McDonald.
Cons: The lime could be stronger. When the person at 7-Eleven dismisses you. These are limited right now. Energy levels are questionable. Mortal Kombat’s movie sequel. Chicken Rollers.

VIDEO REVIEW: Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink

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I know what you’re yelling at your computer monitor.

“Hey! Didn’t you already review Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink?”

Yes, you’re absolutely correct, I did post a written review of it. But, while writing the review, I came up with an idea for a video version. So here it is.

I’m still a beginner when it comes to shooting video properly, so the video quality isn’t as good as it should be. But, each video review I do is another learning experience…and hopefully a step towards better looking video reviews.

You can subscribe to these video reviews via either YouTube or iTunes.

REVIEW: Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink

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Red Bull Total Zero

The list of beverages that contain the word “zero” in their name is significantly larger than zero.

Here, I’ll let you count some of them: Coke Zero, Sprite Zero, VitaminWater Zero, Powerade Zero, Propel Zero, Monster Absolutely Zero Energy Drink, Rockstar Zero Carb Energy Drink, Fanta Zero, Dr Pepper Zero, Big Red Zero, Sodastream Zero Cola, Pibb Zero, Virgil’s Zero Root Beer, Diet Rite Pure Zero, Schweppes Zero Cream Soda, Mello Yello Zero, and now Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink.

Wow. That’s a lot of zeroes. I haven’t seen that many zeroes since Chicago White Sox pitcher Philip Humber’s perfect game. Or if you’re reading this in 2013 or beyond, or have no idea what a perfect game is…I haven’t seen that many zeroes since I stood in between two parallel mirrors and looked at an infinite reflection of myself.

Companies attach the word “zero” to their beverages for several reasons. They either contain zero grams of sugar, zero calories, zero grams of carbohydrates, or any combination of the three. Although with some beverages, I’d like to think the word “zero” equates to the zero creativity used to come up with a name, instead taking whatever another company used.

As for Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink, it has no calories, zero grams of sugar, and zero grams of carbohydrates. Although, if I wanted to be a total prick about it, I could say it’s not “total zero” because it has 60 milligrams of sodium and less than one gram of protein. Oh, I should note my head hurt trying to wrap my brain around the fact that for some strange reason the 12-ounce size has ten calories. That there is some crazy ass food math.

Wait, I just thought of something.

If Coca-Cola, who started this “zero” beverage trend, makes Dasani Zero bottled water, I swear I’m going to punch a polar bear in the face.

Red Bull Total Zero has a similar aroma and the same amber color as the other two Red Bull varieties (original and sugar free), and it has the same amounts of taurine and caffeine, both of which are supposed to give Red Bull drinkers wings. I estimate I’ve consumed almost 50 cans of Red Bull, but despite all that liquid and lots of bell ringing, I have yet to get my wings.

Red Bull Comparison Chart

As for Red Bull Total Zero’s flavor, it isn’t as syrupy as regular Red Bull and it’s slightly more artificial sweetener-y than Red Bull Sugar Free, but it has that distinct Red Bull flavor. In order to be calorie, carb, and sugar free, Red Bull Total Zero contains the Three Sweeteneers: Aspartame, Sucralose, and Acesulfame K. Red Bull Sugar Free contains just Aspartame and Acesulfame K.

Overall, I think Red Bull Total Zero is decent, but between it and Red Bull Sugar Free, I prefer the latter because it’s smoother. Sure, the sugar free version has ten calories and three grams of carbohydrates, but that’s an insignificant difference. I think I just burned ten calories and three grams of carbohydrates by typing this paragraph.

(Nutrition Facts – 8.4 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Our video review:

Item: Red Bull Total Zero Energy Drink
Price: $2.29
Size: 8.4 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Has familiar Red Bull flavor. No calories, carbs, and sugar. It’s a Wonderful Life reference. Another option to mix with alcohol. Perfect games in baseball.
Cons: Not great if you hate aspartame and sucralose. Pricey when compared with other energy drinks. Slightly harsher than Red Bull Sugar Free. Excessive use of the word “zero” in the beverage industry. Dasani Zero.

REVIEW: Nestle Jamba All Natural Energy Drink (Blueberry Pomegranate, Crisp Apple & Strawberry Banana)

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Nestle Jamba All Natural Energy Drink

Let me show you the ingredients list for the new Strawberry Banana Nestle Jamba All-Natural Energy Drink:

Apple juice and lemon juice (water, juice concentrates), water, apple puree, strawberry puree, banana puree, natural flavor, caffeine, extract of stevia, carbonation added.

Now let me show you the ingredients list for the Orange Rockstar Recovery Energy Drink:

Purified water, orange juice concentrate, taurine, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium citrate, sucrose, caffeine, benzoic acid, sorbic acid, gum arabic, acesulfame potassium, sucralose, calcium pantothemate, niacinamide, panax ginseng root extract, milk thistle extract, magnesium lactate, ester gum, calcium lactate, prickly pear extract, pyridoxine hydrochloride, monopotassium phosphate, apocarotenal, and cyanocobalamin.

As you can see, there are major differences between the two lists. One is a short list of ingredients I’ve heard of and can pronounce, while the other list is a bit longer because it’s made up of a few ingredients I have to learn about through Wikipedia or by seducing a college chemistry lab teaching assistant during her office hours, using lines like, “How about we do some chemical compounding here on your desk?”

But do these differences prove what Jamba has printed on their All-Natural Energy Drink cans, “For us, it is simple — real food & beverages taste better. That makes people happy & they come back for more.”

With their smoothies, it’s very true, because it’s extremely rare for me to have a month without a Jamba Juice smoothie-induced brain freeze. But with their line of All-Natural Energy Drinks, I don’t see myself coming back for more, unless I REALLY feel the need for a Jamba smoothie chaser.

The Nestle Jamba All-Natural Energy Drinks are available in three fruity flavors: Blueberry Pomegranate, Crisp Apple, and Strawberry Banana. They contain no artificial preservatives, flavors, or colors, and no high fructose corn syrup. And, they contain 70 percent real fruit juice and each can has 90 calories.

Now, all that sounds nice, but when you’re talking about an energy drink, energy junkies care about one thing — caffeine. And I’m happy to say each 8.4-ounce can of Jamba All-Natural Energy Drink contains 80 milligrams of the good stuff, which is the same amount found in a can of Red Bull, or an eight-ounce serving of the Orange Rockstar Recovery Energy Drink I referred to at the beginning of this review.

Although a can of the Jamba All-Natural Energy Drink has 80 milligrams of caffeine, I didn’t feel very caffeinated after drinking one and didn’t seem to get the same energy boost I would from drinking an eight-ounce serving of my energy drinks of choice — any variety of Monster or Rockstar. I believe the reason for this is because of those few ingredients I mentioned earlier that I have to learn about through Wikipedia or by seducing a college chemistry lab teaching assistant during her office hours, using lines like, “How about we swap oxygen and carbon dioxide…with our mouths?”

However, if you’re not a caffeine junkie, I’m sure these will do fine if you’re looking for an all-natural way to get an energy boost.

Besides not giving me a boost like other energy drinks; these Jamba Energy Drinks also don’t taste like other energy drinks, which tend to be a combination of sweet compensating for the bitter. They taste like what one would expect an energy drink with the Jamba Juice logo on it would taste like.

Basically, they’re lightly carbonated, caffeinated juices. The Crisp Apple flavor, which was my favorite of the three, tastes like lightly carbonated, caffeinated apple juice. The Blueberry Pomegranate flavor tastes like lightly carbonated, caffeinated, and slightly tart pomegranate juice with a blueberry finish and a hint of apple. And, the Strawberry Banana flavor tastes like lightly carbonated, caffeinated strawberry juice with a bit of banana and a bit of apple.

Yup, just like at many malls across America, apple is found in all three Jamba Energy Drink flavors.

Overall, the Nestle Jamba All-Natural Energy Drinks are good and made with ingredients I can pronounce, but a can of it doesn’t satisfy my energy needs, so I don’t see myself purchasing any more. Also, because the Jamba Energy Drinks are lightly carbonated and made with fruit juices and purees, they’re extremely easy to drink, which can cause a can of it to be consumed quicker than expected.

They’re so smooth that I don’t think they’d make good energy drink training bras if you’re looking to get into stronger energy drinks, like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pomegranate Blueberry – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein. Crisp Apple – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein. Strawberry Banana – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 190 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Nestle Jamba All Natural Energy Drink (Blueberry Pomegranate, Crisp Apple & Strawberry Banana)
Price: $2.95 each
Size: 8.4 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Blueberry Pomegranate)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Crisp Apple)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Strawberry Banana)
Pros: Easy to drink. Taste like fruit juices. Made using ingredients I can pronounce. 90 calories per can. 80 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. No high fructose corn syrup. My ability to seduce college chemistry lab teaching assistants.
Cons: Too easy to drink. Energy boost might not be noticable for caffeineheads. Small cans. Can’s design looks like it’s meant for kids. Doesn’t make a good energy drink training bra. Brain freezes.

REVIEW: Rockstar PINK and Rockstar 2X Energy Drinks

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Rockstar Pink Rockstar 2X

I’m a big coffee guy, and I can probably pass for an extra in a zombie movie when I don’t get my caffeine throughout the day. Recently, though, I’ve been trying to quit drinking so much coffee, not because I think I’m addicted (I am) or my teeth are getting too stained (they are), but because I now work on the 11th floor and the fresh-brewed coffee is on the 8th floor. I always take the stairs because I hate being that person who ruins someone’s otherwise stop-less elevator ride, but after three flights of stairs I’m always embarrassingly out of breath. I should probably get into better shape or just take the elevator, but instead I’m going to find a suitable coffee replacement.

Luckily, Rockstar has released two new products that could potentially fit the bill. Rockstar PINK is being marketed towards women, and Rockstar 2X is being marketed towards me and any other incredibly over-caffeinated people for whom 250 mg of caffeine seems appealing.

The first thing everyone notices about Rockstar PINK is that it comes with an attached straw. Including a straw with your pink drink for women seems hilariously, over-the-top sexist, but from my research (read: talking to some coworkers), everyone–women, men, children–love drinking from straws. How often do you have a bad straw-drinking experience? Juice boxes, milkshakes, and fruity cocktails, all awesome, all drunk with straws. Rockstar should just include straws with all their products.

Rockstar PINK is supposed to taste like pink lemonade, but I found it to be more like lemon-lime with a hint of strawberry, as though someone had dissolved a strawberry Starburst in a can of Sprite. It was a pretty enjoyable flavor and there was the right amount of sweetness. Unfortunately, the presence of the artificial sweetener became much more pronounced during the aftertaste. I generally don’t drink diet products, so I’m sure someone who is used to Sucralose would find the aftertaste much less bothersome than I did.

Additionally, I was pleasantly surprised when I read the label. PINK only contains 10 calories, and the ingredients list actually includes some items I can pronounce. Granted, “sweet potato juice extract,” “black carrot juice concentrate,” and “elderberry extract concentrate” don’t exactly scream health-consciousness, nor are they in the first half of the ingredients list, but I guess it’s still better than nothing. All things considered, PINK was pretty good, and I think it’s potentially a viable coffee replacement if I can get used to the aftertaste.

Moving on to the next drink, I’m sad to report that the Rockstar 2X does NOT include a straw. And once I became aware that the absence of a straw was somehow an indication of my gendered-ness, I considered drinking the 2X in the manliest way possible: by chugging the whole thing, crushing the can against my skull, and chucking it halfway across a football field, all the while carrying a bale of hay and rocking an awe-inspiring beard. Unfortunately, I couldn’t wait the two years it would take me to grow some half-decent facial hair, so I just drank it as a regular, unencumbered-by-gender-expectations person would.

That turned out to be a good decision, because if I had chugged the whole can I probably would’ve vomited. It tasted like one part regular Rockstar (which I like), one part cough syrup, and fourteen parts artificial sweetener. Again, I usually don’t use artificial sweetener, and I suppose some people could really like the taste of cough syrup. Some of you might end up genuinely enjoying the taste of 2X, but I couldn’t drink more than a couple gulps, even with the promise of 250 mg of caffeine and only 15 calories.

Rockstar Pink Rockstar 2X in glasses

The color was also rather unappetizing. While regular Rockstar is similar in complexion to ginger ale and PINK is just a bit too bright for comfort, 2X is so radioactively yellow that I imagine it’s what Peter Parker’s piss would’ve looked like had he been particularly dehydrated the morning after getting bitten by that irradiated spider.

I should mention that less than half a can managed to keep me properly caffeinated for the entire morning. Rockstar 2X saved me from being out of breath after three flights of stairs today, but given its unpalatable taste and lack of a straw, I think I’ll just take the elevator tomorrow.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – Rockstar PINK – 10 calories, 60 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B5, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B9, 100% vitamin B12, 2% calcium, 100 milligrams of taurine and 120 milligrams of caffeine. Rockstar 2X – 15 calories, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, 15 milligrams of sodium, 200% vitamin B2, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B5, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B9, 100% vitamin B12, 100 milligrams of taurine, 250 milligrams of caffeine, 100 milligrams of panax ginseng extract, 100 milligrams of L-Arginine, 25 milligrams of L-Carnitine, 25 milligrams of inositol and 25 milligrams of guarana seed extract.)

Other Rockstar PINK and Rockstar 2X reviews:
Energy Fiend: Rockstar PINK & Rockstar 2X
Caffeine-A-Holic: Rockstar PINK & Rockstar 2X

Item: Rockstar PINK and Rockstar 2X Energy Drinks
Price: $1.99 each
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at:Shaw’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (PINK)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (2X)
Pros: Low calorie. PINK has a pleasant taste. 2X has tons of caffeine (250 mg), PINK has a decent amount (120 mg), both for a relatively cheap price. PINK has some natural-sounding ingredients. Straws and any drinks that come with straws. Awe-inspiring beards.
Cons: PINK has a disagreeable aftertaste. 2X just tastes bad in general. 2X has a really weird color. Hilarious over-the-top sexism. My intolerance of artificial sweeteners. Being the guy who interrupts a previously stop-less elevator ride. My inability to grow facial hair. Spiderman’s radioactive piss. Being out of breath after climbing three flights of stairs.

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